


Sounds of Freedom

by five_foot_a_b1tch



Series: Sounds of Freedom [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Other, POV First Person, This story's intended to be a possible occurrence behind the scenes, and is subject to constant revision, and therefore follows canon as closely as possible, builds painstakingly slowly, has a fuckton of science, ~ ♡
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-06-09 14:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 131,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6910750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/five_foot_a_b1tch/pseuds/five_foot_a_b1tch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of how a young woman rose from the Underground, as well as above the circumstances meant to stifle a free spirit. {started summer 2015}</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

I must have been eight or nine when I saw that boy. I was walking next to Mama on the way to the doctor's clinic. She was going to drop me off before heading to work that day. Beau had been working since long before we woke up that morning, and even so, wouldn't have been home in time to watch over me.

I gave a slight tug to her jacket, "Mama, why is that girl allowed to wear a dress?"

Her eyes darted to the small child tagging along the heels of an unusually tall man. "Because... she's accompanied by a strong looking man, Bailey." Whenever we went out, my name was Bailey, a boy's name.

"Can we go live with him?"

"No."

"Can I make friends?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"He won't make a good friend, Bailey."

I pouted, not fully understanding the gravity of her words. Without warning, I escaped from her hand and darted towards the young child.

"Bailey!" she cried out frantically, but was blocked by the crowd, "Come back! Right now!" I was blissfully unaware of the danger I had put us in as I maneuvered my way towards the little girl. I was too excited to meet someone my age.

"Hi!" I squealed excitedly. Taken aback from my sudden appearance, the child hid behind the man's leg.

"Hey, brat." The man growled. I nearly fell backwards as I arched my head back as far as it could go in order to look up at him. He was the tallest man I had ever seen. I suddenly grew fearful, and frozen. The man crouched down, and he towered over me still, "I'm talking to you, brat. Where's your mother?"

"Bel!" My mother pushed through the crowd and threw herself upon her knees to wrap her arms around me. "Oh Bel! Don't do that ever again!" I turned my head in shame, and caught the eyes of the child, whom was observing me curiously. "I'm sorry, sir." My mother apologized on my behalf.

The tall man courteously tipped the brim of his hat, "No problem, Ma'am," he got up and my mother did as well, "Just keep a closer hold on your little wild one."

She placed her hands on my shoulders and held me in front of her, "Of course."

"Can I escort you home, Ma'am?" The man offered.

"That's alright. Thank you." My mother replied, "We'll be going now, come on."

"Take care." The man said as we walked away.

"Why were you so nice to that man, Mama?"

"He's an old friend."

"Will we see him again?"

"Hopefully not."

 

* * *

 

When my mother was out working, I stayed with the doctor. Sometimes, when he needed to focus, I would go to the next room and read his books. When he was especially busy and I had nothing else to do, I liked to crawl through the floorboards and explore the old tower adjacent to the medical lot. One day, I heard some noises from outside. I ran to the doctor's study and pulled on his arm.

"Dr. Kar, Dr. Kar!" I called out to the occupied man, "There are noises outside..."

"Don't worry about it, Amoebel, it's safe here. Just ignore it and it should pass soon."

"Ok..." I accepted as I trudged back to the room.

The sporadic thuds went on for a really long time. When I finally crawled through the floorboards to see what the noise was, I found the child that was with the tall man a few days earlier, practicing knife throws with an old barrel.

My eyes alit with excitement. I pushed out from the small crevice and shouted out to the child, "Hi there!" The child was startled, and the knife flew backwards and over the wall, which neighbored the old bell tower.

I was thrown a small glare as I ran up to where the kid was, "Do you like to play with knives?"

Silence.

"My Mama told me that boys like to play with knives. Are you really a boy?" His expression fell somber, but he gave a faint nod. "You're lucky you get to wear a dress. I wish I could wear a dress..." He gave me a weird look. I thought it was funny, so I giggled.

"What's your name?" I asked cheerfully. I wasn't answered, but met with a shy averting glance. "What's wrong, can't you talk?" I cocked my head in effort to see beneath the thick mass of hair that fell over a pair of large sullen eyes. I frowned and kneeled sympathetically, angling my head to see under his fringe, "Hey... I don't bite," I held out my hand to him, "You and me, we're friends now!" He kept his hands to himself. Maybe I hurt his feelings because I made him lose his knife. Maybe it was his favorite knife.

I perked back up, "I saw where your knife went. C'mon! Let's go get it!" I said gleefully, running to the corner towards a loose board in the wall, "My name's Bel!" I announced as I took his hand and led him up the scaffolding. After trailing a few beams, I stopped and pointed with my free hand, "There it is!" I said, signaling towards a broken beam where the silvery glint could faintly be seen in thin crack of torchlight from outside. "Well, go ahead!" I stepped behind him and gave him a gentle push, "Go on!" He looked back at me, then expertly navigated the beams.

"Wow... you're good!" I gasped and gave him a little applause as he gracefully landed in front of me. He wiped the edge with the hem of his dress and inspected it before wrapping it up and tucking it into his pocket. "That's a big knife," I commented, "I only ever get to use tiny little knives." He cocked his head. I pulled a small scalpel from my pocket, "Like this!" I said as I showed it to him, "It's used for helping people, and sometimes animals."

Footsteps were heard outside. He looked at me for a moment, then turned back towards the sound.

"Is that your dad?" I asked. He shook his head. "Brother?" No. "Uncle?" No. "Cousin?" No. I thought a bit. "Friend?" He hesitated a moment, then nodded yes. "Oh... I wish I had a friend like that. He looks macho!" His expression loosened, then he made his way to a hole in the wall. "You have to go now?" I said sadly. He looked at the door, then back to me. He took my hand and was about to lead me outside. "Oh, no, I can't go outside!" I said, pulling myself back. He frowned, then gave me a small wave. "So I'll see you later?" A nod. I smiled brightly, then waved him off.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, a man I recognized as a friend of my brother's came to the door. He was red and out of breath.

"Ms. Vanteon!" he cried out.

"Bel, go upstairs." my mother ordered as she rested her hand on the doorknob and peeked through a narrow slot in the door. She held a small switchblade in her hand. She always did that when she opened the door, but I could feel that this time was different. I went upstairs, where the frantic exchange was subtly audible. I crawled into the nook of my bed and waited patiently.

Her footsteps were then heard and she entered the room. "Bel Baby, please listen closely, " she said firmly as she kneeled before me. "Mama has to leave for a while. Stay here and wait for my special knock, ok?" I nodded. "Do you remember our special knock?" I smiled and tapped the pattern against the bedframe. Her anxiety softened and she placed a kiss upon my head before disappearing down the ladder.

I opened the door a short while later. My mother, the tall man from the other day, and the little boy trailed into the shack. I closed the door behind them and gave a gentle smile to the boy in the dress.

"Smart girl you have here, Ms. Vanteon." the man commented as he ruffled my hair. His hand was bigger than my head.

"I appreciate you doing this for me, Captain," my mother addressed as she grabbed her special knife from a hidden compartment. It was pretty, and shaped like a fan.

"It's my pleasure, Ma'am," the man, now introduced as a Captain replied. He turned to the boy, "You know what to do." The boy nodded.

My mother was skeptical, "With all due respect, Captain, can your little boy really protect my princess?"

"Like a knight." The Captain boasted proudly.

Activity could be heard outside.

"We'd better go quick." The Captain said, opening the door.

My mother turned to me one last time and kneeled, "Mama's gonna save your brother from some bad guys. Be safe and be nice."

"Ok, Mama." She kissed my crown and left with the Captain. A heavy silence filled the shabby residence. The boy walked over to the kitchen counter, climbed up, and sat down, lightly kicking his legs. He then procured his knife and laid it beside him.

"So I'm the princess and you're my knight!" I said. He adhered to his tendency to be mute and merely nodded.

"Chevalier!" I blurted, throwing my hands up in his direction. He looked confused.

"Chevalier means 'knight' in an ancient language. Sounds cool, huh?" He gave a slight smirk, as if proud of his status. The small smile made me happy. "Wait here!" I said, then ran up the ladder to retrieve a certain storybook. He had followed me to the ladder, as I almost landed upon him on the way down. "Oops, sorry!" I apologized.

"Look at this!" I said, untucking the book from my arm. His eyes widened in wonder as their suddenly bright blue irises coasted the cover illustration, which was of a princess on a balcony reaching towards a knight below. "It's about a knight and a princess." I explained. "Do you wanna see?" He nodded enthused and accepted the book from my hands and took a seat on the ladder. I sat on the floor beside him and peered over his knees as he flipped through the book, pausing at the pictures. "Do you know how to read?" I asked him.

"Mon... a..." he began as he traced the letters that captioned a picture with his finger,"Moo..." My eyes widened with excitement and my face lit up like a struck match as I heard his voice. It was the cutest thing I'd ever heard! He pronounced the last part of the word totally wrong, but I was so happy to hear him speak...!

I actually squealed, causing him to jump back a little. "You're good!" I congratulated. He gave a small smile. "But one thing, though," I said, reaching over him and pointing to the letters, "Right here, is the letter r. Do you know that sound?" He shook his head and looked down, a little dejectedly. "It's ok if you forgot!" I ensured. "It sounds like this." I made a little growl, to which he released a chuckle. Another wonderful sound. I smiled in awe.

"So it goes, mon amour." I said.

"Mon amour." He repeated, with a tiny emphasis on the growl.

I giggled, "I like monamoo better."

He smiled and resumed turning the pages. He stopped upon an illustration of the knight and his mother. He stopped and stared.

He then sniffed.

"What's the matter, Monamoo?" I asked him, testing the effect of his new nickname. He didn't respond, but ran his fingers over the drawing of the woman.

"That's the knight's mama. Her dress is plain, but it's pretty, like yours, huh?" I said, trying to lighten the mood. His expression returned to somber. His eyes wouldn't move from the page.

I took the book from and climbed over him to retrieve another treasure.

The door opened while I was digging through the bookshelf.

"Where's the princess, kid?" The Captain's voice nearly shook the house. I dropped the book and jumped down the ladder to find my brother hanging limply in his arms

"Beau!" I shouted as I ran to my brother and fervently shook his arm.

"Oww... Bel..." he mumbled weakly.

"Don't you know to be more gentle with a patient pre-triage?" My mother scolded. She had a streak of blood smeared across her face. It didn't seem to be hers.

"I'll put the boy here." The Captain announced as he placed Beau atop the kitchen table. A large and seeping blood clot made itself visible.

I shook where I stood and ran to him. "Beau!" I tripped upon a loose floorboard. The boy caught me before I could hit my head on the tabletop.

"Have Amoebel sit out of this one." I heard the doctor's voice of static reverberate. "Take her upstairs, Risa."

"C'mon, Baby." My mother cooed as she took me from the boy's arms, "Thank you, Chevalier." His deep eyes watched me as I disappeared above the second floor.

"Bye, Bel." He said.

 

* * *

 

My brother was making a safe recovery. I was told that he got into a fight with a coworker who took things too seriously. I was also told that the Captain and my mother together saved him.

A few weeks past. Ever since I met the boy, I felt much more lonely than usual.

I missed him.

"You're feeling puppy love, Bella Mia." My mother explained to me. "It'll pass."

I didn't want it to. I wanted to see him again.

One day, I overheard the Doctor talking about a disease that broke out of the surface. As a result, I wasn't able to see him for a long time. When he did come back, it was because the disease had spread into the Underground.

"This is very important, Bel." He explained to me the first day he returned, "Now, study it like you've never studied before, so you can join me in creating a vaccine."

We worked for a long time, and the metabolism of the strain was very hard to figure out. I was busy with doing tests over and over while he made changes, to which I did them again.

Lots of people started getting sick. People needed his attention, and that gave him less time to do research. To keep the pace going, he gave all the information he had come up with so far to another doctor named Dr. Jaeger. He lived on the surface.

Afraid I would catch the disease, my mother confined me to the upstairs portion of the house and assigned me the responsibility of taking care of my brother. We only saw her once a day when she brought us food, but other than that, I was even more isolated than before. Beau spent most of the day asleep.

One day, I heard the Captain's voice downstairs. I put my ear to the floor to try and listen for why he was there, but he left too quickly.

Why was he there?

I gave my brother some extra pain medication the next day to keep him asleep longer and snuck out to the doctor's clinic.

"My mama gave me the ok to help with charts." I lied.

"Alright Little Amoebel. You know where they are." As I turned, he said, "Ah, just a moment. Dr. Jaeger, the miracle man, came up with something that should keep you from getting sick." I sat quietly for the vaccine and went to organizing.

I sifted through his house call notes as he left to dispose the needle. It turned out that the little boy had gotten sick. His real name was Levi. The Captain probably stopped by to ask my mama to check on him while he was gone.

Being sick must have made him really sad. He couldn't play with his knives very well if he was sick.

I wrote his address on my hand and made a trip back home and to Levi's house.

I climbed up the roof and peeked through a boarded window. A small lump was sleeping on a bed more than twice his size.

I knocked on the brittle wood. Dust formed clouds as I did so. I pulled my collar over my nose and called out to him, "Monamoo! Monamoo! It's Bel!"

He shot up in bed and grabbed his knife.

He looked so different.

His hair was cut short.

A hooded sweatshirt draped his shoulders.

He looked older.

... Was that really him...?

"Levi...?" I asked timidly. He covered his mouth and made his way to the window. I recognized his dress and breathed a sigh of relief, although it had become a shirt. He must have had a growth spurt.

He did have a growth spurt. He towered over my small form.

His eyes were different, too. Not because he was sick, but for some other reason I couldn't understand...

And he just stood there, staring at me with them. They were more entrapping than the boarded window.

I suddenly felt feverish. My chest kicked into tachycardia.

Was this the puppy love my mama was talking about...?

"Umm..." I finally said, "C-can you let me in?"

He frowned, and pointed to the bottle of medicine on his nightstand.

"Oh, no, it's ok, you won't get me sick! Look!" I rolled up my sleeve and revealed the bandage on my arm, "I'm protected!" He didn't seem to understand.

"I have medicine in my blood!" I explained. He averted his face, and coughed into a handkerchief he pulled out of his pocket. When he turned back, his face reverted to concern. "How about if I do this?" I pulled a surgical mask from my coat and put it on.

He seemed impressed, as if he hadn't seen one before and the bright blue color had magical properties.

He washed his hands in a nearby basin, loosened the wooden beams, and helped me into the room. He then immediately retreated into the blankets, wrapping himself up like a giant laundry pile.

I dropped my backpack and pulled my treasured notebook from the fraying burlap.

"I thought you might need a little cheering up, so I've brought something to show ya!" I announced. He peeked timidly from the sheets. "You can't see from in there..." I pouted. "Here!" I flipped up the sheets and draped them over the wooden canopy, creating a small tented hideaway, warmly illuminated by the nearby lantern. He gave a small yelp as the fabric flew from his body and shivered slightly, causing him to slip his arms into his sweatshirt and zip it up. "I'm sorry...! Monamoo!" I cried. He flashed his teeth and nodded quickly, asserting his forgiveness.

I climbed up onto the bed before him and hid my notebook behind my back. "I'm about to let you see something I have never shown to another human being, ever! In my life!" He sat there cross-legged with his arms folded before his chest. His body language screamed disinterest, but his eyes were ever so slightly alight.

"You have to swear! You will not! Tell! Anyone!" I insisted. He stared blankly at me.

"Cross your heart." I demanded, reaching out to poke his chest. "Do it!" He fell back on his hands and did so. I nodded brightly and procured my most prized possession.

"My dream book!" I flipped to the front.

"You know him, right? Dr. Grisha Jaeger, the man who's saved humanity from a horrible disease! On the surface! And here!" He wrinkled his face in disbelief and gestured towards the large basin of crumpled up tissues beside his bed. "... Soon!" I announced. He smirked and we turned back to the notebook.

"When I get big, I'm going to go up there and save people from disease, too! And you know what else?" I turned to another page. "I'm gonna save humanity from the titans!" His eyes widened from his casually laid back position. "They're like humans, but titanic!" He leaned in to get a closer look at my drawings.

"And where I'm gonna live? The Jotunheim! 'A land lost to titans.'" The page was unlike the others and quite ripped, which he took notice. "I ripped this right out of a textbook!" I declared proudly. He maintained a blank face as I continued babbling on. "I'm gonna build my clinic far out past the walls, where there are huge bodies of water filled with salt that reach farther than the eye can see! Who knows what kind of things we'll find out there! Burning water! Fields of sand!" I threw my hands up, imagining the adventures that awaited beyond the confines of humanity. "And when I get there," I said as I flipped the remaining blank pages, "I'm saving all these papers to catalogue all the animals I meet out there, and all the people I’m gonna save." He shrugged and nodded.

"Only, I just don't know how to get up there." He turned towards the window, where a sudden noise of whooshing shook the house. I threw my arms around him and squealed into his back, afraid of the sudden noise. He jumped excitedly and pat my arm, motioning for me to look outside. He held my hand as we watched a group of Military Police officers fly through the air. We both gazed up in awe at the soldiers, who flew through the air like birds.

"That's it!" I jumped excitedly. "You can take us there with one of those machines! Swear you'll take us!" I stopped and poked at his chest again repeatedly. "Cross your heart! Cross it! Cross your heart!" He made a face and obeyed, presumably so I would leave him alone, but I was proud of the oath I forced him to take.

"Good. You promised. No backing out!" He rolled his eyes and eyed the floor, raising a hand to the back of his neck. He peeked at me from beneath his fringe, his eyes glistening softly with a circular spark as they met mine. I shyly looked away.

"Well, I should go now." I said as I hastily packed my things and climbed the window. "Bye, Monamoo! I mean, Levi!" He blinked a little surprisedly, then gave me a warm smile as he waved me off.

I stopped in the middle of my lunge out the window, frozen by his serene expression. "You know... you don't talk very much..." I gathered my courage and prepared to blurt my childish confession, "I like you!"

Before he could react, I jumped down the roof and ran home.

 

* * *

 

Soon after that came the fire, and I never saw Levi again. My memories of him were forced into the deepest corners of my consciousness by the pain of losing my first love. He didn't cross my mind at all as I grew, until that day he pulled my handkerchief down from my face as I saluted his presence above the wall we dreamed of crossing as children. Months later, he would keep his promise, and lead me outside the wall as a soldier.

 

* * *

 

 

> _"In that moment, I received a grim reminder that we were at the mercy of the animals humankind called man. I saw it in how my mother bowed her head, how my brother was able to go outside while I wasn't, and how every woman who spent too much time in the public eye was targeted._  
>  _I saw it in the eyes of my father, blinded with fury while my mother's burned with greater passion to protect her children._  
>  _Run._  
>  _His image burned into my memory and conditioned itself into my greatest fear._  
>  _Man._  
>  _I came to learn that above, women were just as capable to be strong, merciless, and wield power. Initially, I fought the Captain, not wanting to bow to the tyrant nature of the male psyche I knew. I learned to tolerate him by seeing him solely as my superior. That is, until something forced me to view him… as a man._  
>  _This man proudly displayed the brashness and barbaric savagery I knew too well, but something about him was different._  
>  _There was so much more to him that destroyed my experiences completely in a way no other man could have done._  
>  _I felt a pull greater than gravity itself, and the desire to be seen as a woman through the eyes of Humanity's Strongest Soldier."_
> 
> _~ Original Intro ~_
> 
> _\- Author's Note: I hope you enjoy the rest of Sounds of Freedom~!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> This prologue was inspired by the Pixar movie, "Up".  
> Please feel free to comment. All thoughts are welcome!  
> 


	2. A Complaisant Cadet

I didn't want to kill titans. In the cadet corps, I wasn't even very good in combat. What did motivate me was the opportunity to see and study titans up close and rescue wounded soldiers who would otherwise not live to fight another day. For this dream, I combined my studies with possible titan restraining maneuvers using nothing but my imaginative speculation and the little we knew about the titans themselves. The medical units of the military branches, especially of the Survey Corps, were minuscule. I assumed that there were not enough funds or no one thought they would be of any real use in a real titan attack. Beneath their groaning shadows, there wouldn't be enough time nor chance of surviving to make having a medical team on standby a worthwhile option. Realistically, there would be no safe place to stand by from in the first place. So there I was, creating my own study plans to do less than what I was being taught to do. That was why I more or less kept the idea to myself. I had to eventually demonstrate it in practice before proving its merit to anyone. Ideally, this dream of mine would take place in the jotunheim outside the walls of civilization. To go there, you had to become a Scout soldier.

Long before enlisting, I studied medicine from the town doctor, whom once assisted Dr. Jaeger, the famed man who once saved humanity from an epidemic. Because food was so scarce in the small poverty-run town we came from, there were very few secondary professions and more laborers. Upon noticing my enthusiasm for medical practice, my mother implored that I do not work, but dedicate that time to studying. As a result, she worked double-time while my work-calloused hands gradually lost their roughness. I felt otherwise. I should be doing my part to contribute to our living. She shouldn't have to work so hard. Yet, she insisted that I was doing more by studying to contribute to the better of humanity. Perhaps we could even move further into the walls, where she didn't have to work so hard and we could live comfortably. Even more so, we could live further away from the past life we spent in the underground city.

At least, that was how she felt before the fall of Wall Maria. We narrowly escaped our run down shack in Shiganshina and survived only from the sacrifice of the doctor. Having already lost his wife and children to civil violence, he offered himself up to the titans and left us with his modest home in Trost. In that regard, we were extremely lucky, but to my mother, we were starting from ground zero. We lost everything my brother's preceding sacrifice had left us. I was a first year cadet at the time, starting a few years later than usual and in the middle of a visit back home. I was among the few in my regiment to see titans up close.

 

* * *

 

The sky was painted with beautiful asperatus. I was so captivated by them that I barely noticed the procession of the Survey Corps returning from an excursion that proceeded in a storm, which was an equally rare sight. I propped my elbows up upon the windowsill and gazed upon my inspirations. There were so few of them that their numbers may have been a little under the size of a typical neighborhood daycare and... they were all wounded. Each and every one of them had some part of their body wrapped in a haphazard bandage. Others had limbs missing altogether. They were lucky they were able to stop the bleeding. I scoured their forms, studying the extent of their injuries from what I could see and visualizing ways to correct them until, hidden amongst the ivory canvas-wrapped bodies of the dead, I spotted a slight man with sable colored hair. He didn't appear to be wounded. In fact, he was preoccupied with scrubbing away the dirt and blood from his skin and uniform with an already soiled handkerchief. His face was hidden from view, but I could read his frustrations from the quick and jerky movements of his arms, lithe but ravenous. That wouldn't do. I ran to my desk and retrieved an antiseptic cloth from my medical bag. Skittering to a stop before the window as not to miss the passing carriage, I rolled up the light fabric and took aim.

The bleached cloth parachuted gingerly upon his head, similar to how occasional feathers fell upon our doorstep from a nest above, one summer. He gave a small twitch and pulled the cloth from his eyes. After giving it a small whiff, he scanned up and around the buildings in attempt to discern where it came from. The crowds were uproarious, in both slurs and cheers, so calling out to him wasn't an option. I heard my mother call from downstairs, so I mimicked the soldier salute the best I could in his direction, hoping he would catch a glimpse of me, but I couldn't attract his eyes. Maybe the window box planter obstructed his view. She called for me again, and I rather reluctantly turned away from the window, but happily skipped down the stairs, gleeful that I helped a soldier for the first time that day.

 

* * *

 

That was a couple weeks before my first day of training. My mother would have been vehemently opposed if she remained her usual self, but allowed me to decide for myself, for the first time. Her approval was unsettling, but I happily accepted our deviation from our past life ruled by fear. With a glimmer of hope for freedom from our ivory tower, I ironically spent nearly all my extra time studying the few books I was allowed to bring. There were strict guidelines concerning the number and size of personal items we were allowed to bring to camp, so I didn't have all the material I would have preferred. Thankfully, my mother visited periodically with an exchange of books loaned to us by the family of old man Arlert, who was close to the doctor. I didn't mind the distance my habits put between the other cadets and I. I was driven to save lives and happiest when learning. My eccentricity earned a few visits from my minorly concerned superiors, but my training performance wasn't so bad to require intervention. My 3DMG use was far above average, but my reflexes were slow. I loved nothing more than ODM drills whenever we left the barracks to train. I felt like a bird and often found myself lost in my daydreams, which was to blame for my late reactions and rather painful wake up calls, as I often slammed into tree branches, titan models, and even other cadets. We can't be the best at everything.

As graduation day crept further into the present, every visit from my mother had the topic of me joining the Military Police. Enthused by my exam scores, she had even higher hopes for us. Compared to the meager chump change we earned now, I had the potential to earn a fortune working directly for the king due to both my medical and military training. I've never seen her so hopeful. Joining the MP would deter me from a little more than half of my dream, but I could still treat wounded soldiers returning from civil duties. Humans can still cause substantial harm to other humans. Not nearly as much as titans, but I could still put my skills to good use. After all, I owed it to my mother. She had worked so hard keeping me safe and healthy. I wanted to give her rest as much as I wanted to contribute to the future of humanity. I was all she had left.

For the remainder of my training, I diverted my attention from books and focused on my physical and combat strength. I was considered average compared to the most physically adept recruits of my class, and I couldn't waste any more time neglecting my athletics if I wanted to make the top ten and have a chance of joining the Military Police.

 

* * *

 

The night finally came, and the beautiful stratus streaks of the day still remained in the sky, only painted with the aphotic hues of the night. Earlier that day, we had supplemental sparring matches, which was unusual. What was also unusual was that we weren't told of our ranks beforehand. I heard along the grapevine that prior graduation traditions consisted of ample time off in order to give the recruits a little more time to decide on their branches. This time in particular, they held the last-minute sparring sessions because there was a tie in the rankings, regardless of the usual eschewing of hand-to-hand combat performance. I grabbed my shoulder and exhaled my hopes, the breath attracting the frigid evening air before disappearing like a distant dream as I recalled the conversation during the superiors' deliberation of the matches.

 

* * *

 

Since the matches were a rare phenomenon, a small audience of family members came to watch. Among them, of course, was my mother, whom I could tell had difficulty following the "no cheering" rule. The rest of the families quickly succumbed to the brashness of our drill instructor, but she was too focused on me. _Damn it. Stop looking at me like that! You're making me nervous! Check out my competition instead!_ My head was rampant with anxiety as I assumed my starting position and was floored again and again. I was among thirteen recruits, suggesting some really close calls, but I fell so far behind them that I wondered how on earth I was counted amongst them. The last victor, a boy whom was kind to me in all circumstances aside from combat, lent me his hand as the others lined up to be judged. We all held our salute as the names were called in order. It took every ounce of pride I had to keep my head from dropping as I glanced towards my mother... counting the names on her fingers... beaming with hope after each digit folded into her rugged palms.

While the rest of the camp rejoiced, I remained standing there in my salute. My neck had surrendered to the resultant statistics. They were real, and so clear. As the shadow of my mother's characteristic and excessively frilly "special occasion" skirt descended from the peak of my vision, I bolted with no discretion until I found myself in the farthest corner of the camp where the extra combat supplies were stored. Whilst making my way towards the back of the shed, I sliced my shoulder along a misplaced blade and tripped over a 3DMG that was left opened on the ground. I wiped my face with my dust-covered sleeve and staggered onto my elbows to look behind me. The gear was placed atop a once neatly spread sheet with a few tools and spare parts surrounding it. Near the corner of the sheet was a small cup of tea with steam still curling up into the low vaulted roof of the wooden shed, suggesting that someone was in the middle of repairing it. Oh no. I wasn't supposed to be there under any circumstances. Whomever was working on it could be returning at any moment and if I was found I could be severely punished. I don't know how the branches disciplined their ranks, but I guessed they would be far worse than our drill instructor's "run 'till the sun sets" regime. It would be even worse if I was found in this state right before joining a branch, with my snot-dripping nose, tear-ridden face, dusty uniform, and minced shoulder.

That's right.

My shoulder.

Suddenly aware of the pain, I grimaced through clenched teeth and shakily rose to my feet. Beneath a dimly active candle, I scoured the shed for a cloth long enough to wrap my shoulder before returning to the ceremony and facing my fate. I quickly came across  what appeared to be a small hunter green rag hanging near the doorway. I quickly wrapped my shoulder and was about to step off the doorway when I recalled the mess I had made. Leaving it in its panic ridden state would definitely alert the person who had been there. Deliberating the precious time I was wasting in my escape, I began straightening up the makeshift workstation.

As I quickly smoothed out the edge of the sheet, footsteps resounded near the door. I jerked around, ready to salute and beg for forgiveness when my eyes opened to my mother's fatigued and heaving form.

"Bel!" she called out and threw her arms around me, "I'm so sorry! You fought so hard and came so close! Don't feel bad! So what you didn't make the MPs! You can join the Garrison troops and work your way up! I'm proud of you! No matter what!"

Her thin shoulders jammed into my throat as held me tight and stroked my back. She loosened enough to see my shoulder and pulled away, "Ah, look what you did... we'd better get you back to town before it gets infected. Come on, let's go," she pulled one of the doctor's cloths from her purse and handed it to me.

She pulled my other hand and I stopped in my tracks.

"Bel? Come on, we have to go treat you quickly so you can make the Garrison sign ups."

The tears reemerged from my eyes. I was about to disappoint her again. If not, break her heart.

"Mom... I want to join the Survey Corps."

She released my hand and her purse fell from her shoulders with a hollow thud against the weathered wooden entrance. Her eyes widened and her pupils shrunk despite being illuminated by the rays of the midday sun that made its way through the splintering boards.

"What?" she finally spoke.

"I want to join the Survey Corps, Ma."

Frantically clasping my shoulders in her hands, perhaps unintentionally including the injured one, she shouted, "What on earth are you thinking?! You're better than that! Use your brain for your work! You can't just go out to die!" The tears started forming in her eyes, too, “We already lost your brother! I can't lose you too!"

My older brother. He offered himself up to the Survey Corps for what was to us at the time a hugely substantial amount of money. A small group of sponsoring nobles had descended to the underground that day, searching for able men to enlist. Overflowing with his pride of being the man of the family, he left us to fight for our world, and never returned. Instead of using the money solely for food, my mother and I continued our small cleaning business and eventually bought citizenship into a small bubbled community outside Wall Maria. We made the most of his sacrifice, but our hearts remained heavy with his warmly profound memory.

She grabbed the arm that I injured and marched me out the door. This time for sure, it was intentional.

"You didn't make the MPs, so you're joining the Garrison, is that clear?" She showed no sign of turning her head to face my answer.

"Ok." I choked, pressing the fresh cloth over my eyes with my uninjured hand and stifling my sobs.

"Wait," she stopped and turned around, "I forgot my purse."

 

* * *

 

Wrapped up and slightly drowsy from the pain medicine, I leaned my head back and stared up into the sky as our instructor droned on about the century-long or so history between humanity and the titans. I had been ranked last amongst the deciding trainee group. Although I was sad I disappointed my mother, I wanted to join the Survey Corps from the start. With such a high mortality rate, there'd be far more opportunities to save lives and... study titans. Every day in the mess hall was filled with passionate chatter consisting of the deep universal hatred of titans. I didn't understand how people could speak so vindictively about a thing. I can understand the anger of being horribly wronged, the pestering annoyance of a cabinmate who could never sleep without leaving a candle lit, and even the disgust of a certain food you can't stand to smell or swallow. But I never really felt like I despised those things nearly as much as all the people around me despised titans. I can't really say that I hate my father; I just feel a profound mutual indifference to him. I can't say that I hate that strawberry blonde cabinmate who has a fear of the dark; everyone has their insecurities. I can't even say that I hate cheese; people have different tastes.

I don't hate titans. Despite their instinctive nature to prey upon humans, they're just predators, just living beings. We didn't choose to be humans, so maybe titans didn't choose to be titans. Cats most likely didn't choose to be cats. Dogs probably didn't choose to be dogs. Birds may not have been given the choice to be either, but how wonderful it must be to have been born a bird...

I was awoken from my daydream by the applause of my fellow cadets and quickly joined them as our instructor concluded his speech and was replaced by the representative of the Scout Regiment, his stark blonde hair illuminated by the flickering torches surrounding the climax of the ceremony. It was time to weed out the cowards unwilling to join their ranks.

And I forced myself to become one of them. Forced to give up my dream of donning the wings of freedom in exchange for twin roses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> All thoughts are welcome ~ <3


	3. Reluctant Heroes Die Too Fast

Serving the Garrison was even more uneventful than I imagined. With no incidents of titan attack, the days consisted of increasingly leisure patrols, cannon repairs, evacuation drills, and 3DMG combat and maneuver practice. The only thing that really set me apart from the others was my medical experience. I stopped to help a cadet whom broke his ankle one time, and my skills spread like nasopharyngitis.

Amidst the 104th cadets' temporary return from the grounds, word had spread that our Commander instigated a cook-off between two groups of bantering cadets. His eccentricity wasn't news, but the seriousness of the kids who rose up to his whimsical challenge rid a rural town of a rampaging boar. In the midst of it all, I was called to tend to a cadet who claimed to break his leg on the way down some stairs. He turned out to be lying, but I sympathized with him and casted both his legs to protect him from his peer pressure. He was s a sweet boy from Shiganshina named Armin. He had this innocence that made me want to tuck him under my wing like a mama bird and fly him away, but he had an eye for the Scouts. Before I could acquaint with him any further, I left him to his devices.

He was too sweet for this world. I couldn't stand the thought of such a precious cinnamon roll eaten by a titan. If he cracked so severely under peer pressure, he was sure to be one of the first to wet his pants before a titan, at least.

 

* * *

 

 Although not taken very seriously by most of the other troops, I found the more laid-back Garrison atmosphere more effective in building my strength. I guess I performed better without the extreme pressure of a condescending drill sergeant, whom had a new insult for me nearly every day. Aside from that, the mess hall banter was much like the days of being in the cadet corps, but with the addition of the deep contrast between Garrison living and MP living. I was used to hearing patients complain of how much they hated their job, but spending every day in the company of soldiers with weapons, equipment, and privilege in combination with that mindset made it all the more worse, myself included. Every chance I got, I rappelled onto the wall of my station and sat near the edge to gaze upon the world of beyond. Occasionally, a flock of birds would pass by and leave my field of vision as quickly as they came. I had discovered a way to hang comfortably between the architectural protrusions of the wall with my gear, and enjoyed watching the clouds merge into the dangerous frontier that spanned the horizon. It was my favorite place to be.

 

* * *

 

A few weeks into my service, a few squads were deployed to a rather neglected portion of the southern wall. There was a forest near the area and a few of the nearby trees had grown too tall. To prevent the chances of any titans, most likely abnormal, climbing those trees and jumping the wall, we were dispatched to protect the workers while the lumberjacks chain-sawed away. This operation was to be performed jointly with a few members of the Survey Corps, which sent my heart aflutter. There was a chance to see them in action. My heroes. I could finally demonstrate my techniques! I could save soldiers from titans...!

Most likely not... but maybe!

My squad had just arrived upon the designated section of the wall and we could see the lush canopy the overgrown foliage had created along its base. It was indeed dangerous. Why was this forest allowed to reach such heights? We affirmed the commanding officer's briefing and began deploying the cannons.

"Hey Bel!" a familiar voice laced with felicity sounded behind me.

I straightened up from my bent over position and turned toward the voice. It was the boy I last fought before the graduation ceremony. Perhaps the term "boy" was long outgrown by him. He towered over me and although it was still morning, his bristly chin casted tiny shadows onto his sun-kissed skin.

"Hi there! It's good to see you." I tilted my head sincerely. He clearly felt better about his work than most of the other soldiers here. It was refreshing.

"I heard Captain Levi was gonna be joining us today." He casually placed his boot upon a nearby crate and leaned his elbow upon his knee as I continued scrubbing.

"That's great. Hopefully that means we won't suffer any casualties on our first real job in a while."

Every soldier's heard the name. I remembered first hearing of him a few years ago in Shiganshina. He had joined the Corps rather recently and rapidly built his reputation as Humanity's Strongest Soldier. He survived many more deployments than the average soldier was expected to survive, and a staggering titan nape count on top of that. However, I'd never seen him. All the information I knew about him came from light conversations I've had with or heard from patients and now other soldiers. Those of us in the Garrison rarely had contact with the Survey branch. We mostly ran into Military Police soldiers. Confrontations weren't usually friendly, and I was often asked to tend to the aftermath. Most were repeat offenders.

Belligerent idiots... why fight?

The passing thoughts were echoed by the rampant excitement that began to spread across my face. I was going to work with humanity's finest today.

"Whoa, that's a weird quirky grin you got there. Were you raised by a titan?" He snickered.

"Uh," I sheepishly changed my expression and raised my cleaning bandana over my nose," 'Scuse me..."

"Haha, it's ok. We've been sitting on our asses for the past couple months and the first real job we get, we're doing something pretty exciting!" He tilted his head to face my level and beamed brightly, "I'm pretty excited too!"

He was right. Today we finally get to be real soldiers, doing real soldier work.

"Yeah."

"Hey look! Here they come!"

He jumped eagerly into his salute as did I. I couldn't believe my eyes. There they were. Their hunter green clad shoulders held highly and proudly matched the high stepping gait of their horses as they marched their way along the wall. A few heads bobbed in a respectful nod as they passed us by. I couldn't help but smile as we were acknowledged by the bravest soldiers humanity had to offer.

"Hey, you."

I blinked in disbelief as one of the soldiers broke from the formation and pulled his horse alongside us. "I appreciate your dedication to keeping our equipment spotless, but never salute with a masked face." The deep, sonorous tone of his voice reverberated aside from the trots of the horses. He reached out and gingerly pulled down my handkerchief in a swift adept motion. A small glint circled his deep irises of ashen slate, like a fuse igniting in a curl. "Hm. That's a nice look you've got in your eye there, Soldier." He complimented lowly.

I blinked and cocked my head. "Excuse me, Sir?"

"Captain Levi! Let's lead a successful operation today!" My companion boomed as he proudly struck his chest.

The Captain turned to him with a nod. "Let's." He gave each of us a nod of acknowledgement before rejoining the formation, "Try to retain your limbs today." Then he was gone.

Rude...

"Wow-w-w...!" He stammered as he raised his hands to his auburn hair and ruffled it around into a disheveled heap, "You got attention from Captain Levi!"

"That was him?"

"No, it was his evil twin Striker- of course it was him! The one and only!"

I've never heard a little girl squeal with as much excitement as he had just now, but I was equally starstruck. That man was the famed Captain. I had pictured him huge and burly, possibly with a buzz cut and multiple scars all over his body, but the man who was just before me... could have passed as a Sina resident. He was elegantly dressed, rather young, and beneath his stern visage and eyes ravaged by stress was a surprisingly youthful face...

Alluringly... and delicately handsome...

"Hey! Hey Bel! Earth to Bel! The lumberjacks are here and we're taking our positions!" The floppy haired man waved his polishing cloth vigorously in front of my face. My cheeks flamed.

"Ah-sorry!" I yanked off my handkerchief and shoved it into my jacket pocket.

"Hehe, better pop those floating hearts and deploy, Bel! I'll be seeing you on the other side." He laughed and tightly squeezed my shoulder as he was about to run off.

"Wait!" I called out to him. He stopped short and glanced over his shoulder, a sudden gust of wind picking up and blowing his sleek bangs across his chiseled brow. "I'm sorry, I'm not very good with names and although I remember your face and voice, I forgot-"

"Leo!" He shouted brightly, a warm smile forming his lips as he jumped over the ledge and launched his gear.

"Leo, Leo, Leo..." I stayed there for a while and closed my eyes so I could raise my face towards the becoming midday sun, absorbing the sounds of 3DMG rappelling, enthusiastic footsteps, and authoritative shouting of the officers.

Life starts now.

I ran over to my ranks and rappelled to my assigned station, assuming my usual hammock lounging position. I whipped out my idea book from my inner breast pocket and scanned its contents until a hollow thud signaled the lowering of the tree trimmers. As the workers descended past my level, I looked above to infer the rest of them. Instead stood the Commander of the southern wall, Dot Pixes, and Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps, whom was readying a flare to initiate the operation. Are they serious? I glanced down at the wooden shaft elevator and counted a shabby group of men. They can't be serious! Lots of trees have to go down! I turned towards the soldier on my left, a rather stout man with a pronounced beard.

"Hey!"

"Yeah?"

"Are we really working with just these lumberjacks here?"

"Yeah, if you got the memo, kid, you'd be well aware that a majority of the company lost their balls and abandoned the job this morning!"

"Keh!" I straightened my position and closed my notebook. This could take more than a few days to complete. Wait, maybe this is better after all. Titans are more attracted to large groups of people. I guess a drawn out, low key plan is safer than a huge and quick deployment. I sighed and relaxed my shoulders as the Survey soldiers launched their ranks from the wall towards the trees. I caught a view of the Captain, his raven hair surrendering to the winds, graceful and precise as a descending hawk. He appeared to peek over his shoulder and I felt as if his steel grey eyes had glanced upon me before he disappeared into the foliage. My usually tightly clenched jaw softened and the flare went off.

Jerking back towards my duty, I unsheathed my blades and assumed the ready position we were ordered. The green starting flare was immediately followed by a black one: an ominous but exciting omen.

The first titan I got to see in person was going to be an abnormal.

"Vanteon! Look alive!"

I readied my gear triggers at the mention of my name but before I could take any other action, a huge crash occurred towards my left, crumbling the wall that held the claws of my rappel and sending me downwards. I retracted my gear and aimed its trajectory into a nearby tree trunk as I fell. Relieved from the close call of not hitting the ground, I swung myself to safety, but not without being struck in the face with a piece of rubble ejected from the crash. My body unceremoniously wrapped around the tree branch I had aimed for and deflated my lungs in a hoarsely profound gasp. I recollected myself the best I could and ran my hand over my forehead.

Blood.

But it wasn't mine.

I bored my eyes into the scene before me. A little above the center of the crater was the remnants of an inverted human scalp followed by a wide trail of blood that streaked down the length of the wall, where a seven or eight meter class titan was kneeled, hands clawed into the crumbling concrete, mouth agape from scraping its victim off the concrete.

Carnage.

Absolute carnage.

I'd never seen anything like it.

I've seen gaping wounds, broken bones, raging infections, and even live births but this...

Was the epitome of terrifying.

The titan gulped down the remnants of its victim and turned its delirious and empty gaze towards me.

I could clearly hear my mother's words in the back of my mind.

"Run."

"Run."

"Run."

"... Run!"

No.

Not today.

Not anymore.

A surge of electricity reverberated through my body and exploded into my brain as I screamed at the top of my lungs and charged forward to meet death incarnate, planning to swing around its neck and bore my blades into the Achilles’ Heel that was the nape of its neck. However, I didn't see the shadow of Scout Commander Erwin running down the wall and making the cut long before I had the time to launch my grapple. The titan fell forward, its gaping mouth closing over my trajectory.

"Fuck!"

I instinctively threw my legs in front of my in attempt to slow myself down, but I had no time to aim. I shot my grapple, but had no luck.

I landed feet first into the mouth of a titan.

 

* * *

 

The dark and damp surroundings erupted in steam as the immense carcass began to deteriorate. The smell was unbearable and putrid. I was covered in slimy phlegm mixed with human entrails. I slipped and slid around, trying to get to my feet, when what was the titan's tongue crashed down on and precipitated over my body. I could no longer breathe. The titan wasn't evaporating fast enough. I was going to suffocate.

The nape. I could cut through! The flesh should be thin!

I reached out and swung my blades in the direction of a faintly glowing portion on the peak of the titan's throat. I successfully cut through, but lost my balance and fell.  My blade was lost to the crevasse of the gaping wound.

Almost there!

I grasped for the torn skin, wiggling my fingers in the thread-like streams of light that filtered into the titan's decaying oral cavity. I couldn't go any further. The titan had clamped its teeth over the wire of my gear. I frantically fumbled along the straps of the gear, desperately endeavoring to release myself. My chest heaved its last breath, and I fell into the pool of searing saliva that formed into the titan's fallen cheek.

I failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :)


	4. Social Caterpillar

When I awoke, I was in an infirmary. My body had been wiped clean and I was wearing a hospital gown. I scanned my surroundings for my belongings to no avail.

My notebook.

If anyone saw it without me proving its effectiveness I could be dishonorably discharged without question! I slid out of bed, pulled the curtain, and made my way towards the nearest door when I collided into a broad chest.

"Bel! You're up!" It was Leo, holding a hospital bag with my uniform, clean and folded. Did he launder my clothes...?

"L-Leo." I stammered. "Why are you here? You didn't have to do all that!"

"It's alright. After they pulled you out of the titan, someone had to volunteer to run you back up the wall. No one else seemed to know you very well, so I-" He stopped midsentence when he saw my dejected face. "Anyways! A lot of the newbies panicked and suffered secondary injuries after the attack, so the nurses are pretty busy, and I wanted you to have clean clothes to change into by the time you woke up, so I washed your clothes for you!" He held out the bag and stretched his lips into the biggest grin I'd ever seen.

"Thank you, really, thank you." I managed, shyly accepting my clothes. He wasn't done yammering.

"A-a-and I was really careful with your-uh-delicates! I've done my mother's laundry quite a few times, s-so they weren't damaged!"

This guy was something else. No one's ever elected to do so much for me, aside from my mother. The doctor didn't even take care of me much. I learned everything just by watching and studying his journals. I felt the corner of my mouth twitch and my sinuses pinched.

"Thank you Leo... I don't-" I sniffed, "-know what to say.

"You said thank you! That's all I need! Don't worry about it!" He scratched the back of his head with one hand and lightly patted mine with the other. I wiped my eyes and reddened nose. What a nice guy...

Right. My notebook! My mother! I ripped open the shoddy hospital bag and checked the pockets for my belongings. "Leo! Do you know where the stuff in my pockets went? Does my mother know I'm ok?"

"Right, that little book and handkerchief are still in the laundry room." He stuck out his thumb in the corresponding direction. "I wanted to bring you your clothes ASAP, so I left those things for last, and I don't think the messenger was dispatched to your house just yet, bu- wait!"

I dropped the bag and charged towards the doorway in the direction he motioned. Absolutely no one could see that notebook! I could be charged with treason!

"Gack!" I collided into yet another passerby, but this time rebounded onto the bleach-stained floor, my legs flailing up into the air. I clumsily stood up, about to apologize to whoever it was I ran into and continue my beeline towards the laundry room. As I raised my head, my throat constricted in mortification.

"Captain!" I rigidly assumed a salute and clenched my eyes shut. “I am so sorry, Captain! Sir!"

"Tch! Watch where the fuck you're going, you goddamn titan toothpick!" He grabbed a couple antiseptic cloths from the reception desk and stuffed them into his jacket pocket. "Shit, I've seen people get flattened by a titan, but never witnessed anyone jump directly into one's fucking disgusting mouth!" He straightened his cravat and spun on his heel to exit the room. "Don't ever do that again unless you wanna fucking die, you suicidal idiot!" He continued down the hall, mumbling unintelligibly along the lines of how disgusting titan sputum was.

I remained there wide eyed. He chewed me out so thoroughly all I could do was stare blankly aside of him. I didn't observe any emotions of anger or disgust that may have formed upon his face. I couldn't tell how serious he was. I didn't even notice the stares his vulgar rant attracted from the other nurses, patients, doctors, and visitors in the room.

"Wo-o-ow! I never would've thought the Captain was such a straight savage!" Leo howled from behind me, echoing his boisterous laughter throughout the infirmary.

"Shh!" The receptionist hissed fruitlessly as the seemingly grown man turned adolescent boy fumbled to support his caving body onto a nearby chair. He misjudged the angle and slid to the floor, causing his hilarity to skyrocket.

It reminded me of how uncontrollably my brother laughed one day when he came home from work. He lost control of his gut so badly that he couldn't even tell us the story. Later that evening, he explained how one of the bosses tripped and fell, then fell a second time whilst trying to get up. No one told him of the thick layer of mud that coated his rear, which remained for the rest of the day. My brother practically sprinted the entire way home so he could laugh safely. Laughter attracted quite a lot of attention down there, and we couldn't afford any company. Laughing usually meant booze was nearby.

Do you know how desperately people sought out booze in the underground?

"Sir." The receptionist snapped as she pushed herself from the desk and stood up. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave!"

As she motioned to a couple of MP officers lounging in the opposite corner, Leo began to rise onto his knee. "Ok ok ok, I'm sorry, I'm done! Ha... haha..." He wiped the tears of laughter from his eyes with the hem of his shirt as he stood up. As he did so, he revealed a plethora of moles that dotted his midsection like breadcrumbs scattered into a duck pond. My brother had those all over his face and back. I recalled how much I used to enjoy poking them as he played his worn out guitar, causing cacophonous noise to emerge rather than the rhythmic uplifting strums he usually played for tips outside our run down shack. Leo let out a huge sigh, gathered up the bag I dropped, and came over to me. "Come on, I'll supervise your walk to the laundry room so you don't crash into anymore commanding officers." He jammed his hands into his pockets and strut out of the room, stifling his chuckles. I meandered over the way his shoulder blades caved and contracted each time he felt the urge to laugh.

He reminded me so much of my brother... how wonderfully lighthearted and caring he was. A tight heaviness filled my heart as the bittersweet memories accompanied our mirrored gaits.

"Oh god." I clamped my hand over my nose as we approached the doorway. I knew that reek. I could never forget the smell of death and titan breath.

"Yeah... I wore one of these when I washed your clothes." He clattered his fingers across an overhead shelf and procured a clothespin.

"Oww!" I exclaimed nasally, as he clamped the wooden spokes over my nose.

"Sorry, that was a little harder than I intended." He bent over and picked up an aluminum tray containing my pocket possessions and clanged it atop a lidded basin. "Here they are but... I don't think there's any saving we can do now that I'm looking at them... They're mostly wood and paper... they've started to dry out..." He exhaled dejectedly.

"I admit... but I need this..." I said, picking up a clean cloth and folding it over my idea book, which was seeped in a thick, crusting mucous.

"But it reeks! You can't seriously be thinking of carrying that around with you!"

"I won't keep it for long. I'll burn it after I'm done with it."

"Why?"

"Because... It's important to me..."

"Oh... ok." He respectfully accepted my ambiguity and returned to the doorway. "Well, I did everything I came out to do. Squad leader Gustav's excused you from the operation and we already turned in for the day, so take your time, eh? See ya." He chimed, closing the door behind him.

"Thank you..." I murmured, untying the hospital gown and trading it for my fresh uniform. I picked out my soiled items, dropped them into the canvas bag, and tossed my gown into the basket before leaving. I returned to inquire a nurse about my discharge and promptly signed out of the cold, sanitizer fumed building. The receptionist waved a candle around as I left the front desk.

 

* * *

 

It was well into the evening, judging by the position of the luminous ivory moon. As I neared the town's Garrison barracks, the unmistakable sound of dinnerware, chatter, and laughter signified our suppertime. Since a majority of us would be in the hall, ladled with the savory aromas of stew, I thought it the best time to copy my data and burn the rest of my stuff. I quickly jogged to my cabin, retrieved a clean notebook and pencil, then back outside to start working.

A couple hours flew by and my stomach increased its magnitude of protest.

"Just a little longer..." I mumbled scoldingly to the neglected organ. I picked up the pace and scribbled a few more diagrams before finally feeling satisfied with my replication. I pushed myself up from my prone position, dusted off my front, and tossed the now crumbling notebook into the flames, its graphite companions already crisping alongside the sticks I gathered.

"Requiescat in paci." I wiped my hands on a clean handkerchief and sat down on a wayward vegetable crate.

"You accidentally kill a squirrel or something?" Leo suddenly inquired from behind me, causing me to flinch pronouncedly. "Buonasera~" He sang as he picked up a nearby stick and crouched down before my tiny pyre to poke the burning bark.

How did he...?

I pretended not to notice his ancient tongue.

"I was just saying goodbye to my favorite book." I leaned forward upon my knees and cradled my jaw in my hands. "Taken so young, before even a page turning yellow or a fiber of its spine losing its place." I recited in a somber, monotone manner.

"Haha wow, my sympathies Bel, I am so sorry for your loss." He tossed his stick into the quietly flickering flames and plopped down in his rear, leaning back on his hands. "So, what was in it?" He inquired, tilting his head in my direction and upturning his brows into the best puppy dog expression he could muster.

"My notes." I replied, hoping he would again accept the vagueness of my answer.

"What for? We don't have to study for exams anymore. Keeping it fresh in your head?"

"Yeah."

"You liar. They didn't teach acupuncture."

I jumped up and forcefully grabbed his hair, curling my right hand into a fist. "You invasive fuck! What else did you see?!"

"Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm sorry! Your stuff was so slimy and it just fell out! Your drawings were really cool so I flipped through it and it! Got! Interesting!" He asserted.

Now what? I have a loose end here who could sell me out if he as much as didn't like the way I looked at him. He could use any excuse to have me discharged if he felt like it. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he really was harmlessly interested in my ideas. I guess all I could do was try to trust him.

"Alright." I let go of his hair and he vigorously fluffed it back into place.

"Heh, did you really think you could properly threaten me with a hold like that?"

"Men tend to have sensitive scalps. If you yank it right, you can create any kind of opening you want."

"Nuh uh, who told you that?"

"I figured it out."

"What, are you an ex-con or something?"

"Who knows."

"Well, it didn't hurt that much."

"You're tearing up."

"I have serious hay fever!"

I choked on my saliva and laughed. "You were just fine this morning on top of the wall, where the wind hits more than anywhere else!"

"I'm allergic to a ridiculously specific flower that only blooms under the steps up to the supply shed during this particular time of year! And this particular time of day!" He started laughing too.

"La-la-la-lee-oh!" An airy and high pitched voice sang from behind us.

"Hey, CJ!" Leo waved towards the group of soldiers approaching. I recognized a couple of them from this morning. He turned to me as he waved, "These are my buddies."

"What's this?" A very tall man vexed sarcastically as he kicked a pebble into the flames, shifting it a bit, "We told you to stop stalking chicks and messing with their fires, Bro, they don't like that!" I recognized his voice as one of the handful of people who picked fights with the MPs way too often.

Leo threw a small fistful of dirt at him. "Fuck you, Rolo."

The man he called Rolo sat across from me and was followed by another guy and two girls.

"Guys, this is Bel. She was eaten by an abnormal titan this morning. Be nice." Leo announced.

"Holy shit that was you?!" The taller girl exclaimed.

"Uh... yeah. It sucked." I replied a little shakily from the attention of the five pairs of eyes that were suddenly on me. "It was better than dying, for sure, but I imagine it smelled just like it."

"Wow that's pretty badass." The shorter guy acknowledged dryly, pulling a biscuit wrapped in a napkin from his jacket. Leo swiftly relieved it from his hands and tossed it to me. "He-"

"She skipped dinner to start this awesome bonfire for us."

"What the fuck is that smell?"

"The bonfire."

The short guy raised an eyebrow at him for a moment then shrugged. He didn't seemed to mind that Leo stole his food for me.

"Thank you!" I beamed at the theft victim.

"S'ok." He stated, pulling out another one.

"You goddamn klepto!" The taller guy punched his arm. He tilted a bit, but was mostly unphased as he righted himself and nibbled his biscuit like a hamster. I giggled.

"Anyways," Leo began, "This klepto here is Gabe."

"Gabriel."

"Why? We always call you Gabe."

"I want her to call me Gabriel. No one else uses my full name." Gabriel pouted.

"Fine then," Leo continued, "The floppy-headed giraffe over there is Rolondo. We call him Rolo," He blocked Rolo's face to keep him from joining Gabriel's protest, "You call him whatever you want." Rolo flipped him the bird.

I giggled at their exchange. Rolo was indeed tall.

"Next to him is his little sister, Cinnie."

Cinnie perked up. "It's like skinny but without the k!"

"That's the classic explanation," Rolo groaned.

"And I'm CJ!" she took the initiative.

"Yeah, CJ," I tilted my head, "Do the letters stand for something?"

"The letters C... and J..." She said, perhaps not expecting me to wonder.

"It stands for Cathy Jean." Rolo blurted.

CJ threw a rock at him, "Fuck you Rolo!"

"Tell her the story!" Leo requested, instigating quiet chuckles among the others.

"Fine then," She began, standing abruptly, "My baby brother had just been born! All throughout the pregnancy, I, just a little girl, kept pestering and pestering Mom to name the baby after me. She said she'd work something out if it turned out to be a sister, but he turned out to be a boy instead. I didn't know shit about names. I just wanted to share something important with my baby brother. But my mom was all like, 'Uh-uh honey, we can't be naming your little brother Cathy!' so she gave him my middle name, spelled the same, but pronounced like J-o-h-n, Jean! To exaggerate the difference even more, my mom started calling him Jean-bo, which he hates, but we call him that anyways because he proceeded to be the most adorable little shit brother from the moment he came home!" She exclaimed in what appeared to be a single breath, then took a bow and sat down cross-legged. Everyone else began to laugh, applaud, and keel over at the same time.

"I think it's really cute!" I blurted out.

"Aww thanks!" She held up her hand, insisting I do the same, and slammed it a little too hard for my comfort, "I like her! She's not an asshole like you insensitive yahoos!" I grimaced and shook out my hand to relieve the stinging from the impact.

Leo grinned and ran a hand through his hair. "I wouldn't look through her stuff though."

Cinnie giggled. "Yeah! What was that about?" I had glared at him, but he didn't get the memo. I decided to take the hugest risk.

"He looked through my slimy diary because he liked my titan drawings."

"Wow! You draw!? Can I see? Please?" Her richly pigmented eyes sparkled.

"Sure..." I picked up the new copy beside me and flipped to the front, where my sketches weren't nearly as rough, and held it up.

"Awwww!" She squealed, surprisingly taking the book from my hands. Shit. I'll have to follow even further through with my gamble than I had originally intended. "They're so cute! Look Rolo!" She passed it around.

"Hey, these are pretty cool," Gabe said and brushed off a few crumbs he had dropped onto the page.

"I know, right?" Leo affirmed enthusiastically.

"Looks like you research stuff too... physics, anatomy..." CJ flipped through the pages, "Acupuncture... Wow, there's so much more in here than titan drawings!" Her eyes widened and before I knew it everyone had gathered around our side of the fire. "This is some detailed stuff Bel! What is all this? These procedures aren't even allowed to be performed on people anymore!"

Gabriel snapped his fingers. "Oh right! Isn't acupuncture some ancient Oriental practice, something invented by the people that used to live far out east?"

I gathered all my courage and reclaimed my book, flipped to a specific page, and held it at arm's length so everyone could see. "I used to shadow a doctor, and learned a lot of things. Thinking about the current titan fighting situation, I found it to be real dangerous. Then I thought, titans are like big people, right? So I started drawing them out. People can react to certain things because our muscles are arranged in a certain way. Maybe titans can too." I passed by the anatomy portion and came upon the trapping portion. "Likewise, we hardly stand a chance against them. We're trained to go straight for the nape of the neck, maybe with a little teamwork, but regardless, that's our main focus. I thought, 'What if we could incapacitate a titan?' Maybe we could capture and study it, collecting enough information to fight them more effectively and save more lives. Soldiers could be safer if they learned how to effectively restrain a titan, then kill it, rather than going for the kill while it's at its full strength."

I lowered the book to my lap and twitched my head toward each of their faces, but was met with a blank stare from each of them.

"If you had all these ideas, why didn't you join the Survey Corps?" Gabriel questioned.

"Err..." I tried to begin.

"Because we're all chicken shits! You think any of us would be here if we really wanted to fight titans? Fuck that!" Rolo threw up his hands and started to walk away.

"Hold up." Leo grabbed his arm, "She's no chicken shit. She charged right into a titan's mouth. You had your reason, right?" He glanced towards Cinnie, who was still engrossed in my drawings. Her innocent eyes glittered excitedly in the firelight. The way he looked at her reminded me of how my brother would look at me.

He must have joined the Garrison so his little sister wouldn't follow him into the Survey Corps. I started remembering them now. Rolo's suppertime titan rants would resound louder than anyone else’s'. He often got into fights with people who bragged about the Military Police and kissed up to officials. He also got into the most hilarious exchange with the drill sergeant:

'What is your name Soldier?!'

'Rolando Cunningham! Sir!'

'Cutting ham? What?! Did you come from a long ass line of fucking butchers, Soldier?! Titan hide is nothing compared to the fluffy chickens your little boy hands are used to cutting! Are you ready to become titan chow, Soldier?!'

'It's Cunningham, Sir! Like a smart and quick thinking slice of pork! Sir! And yes I am! Sir!'

I couldn't help but smile upon the memory. I was jerked back to the present by a gentle tug on my sleeve.

"Well?" Gabriel persisted, "What was it?"

I passed my book to Cinnie's lap and sighed. I leaned forward and swept my hair back from my forehead, lingering there with my eyes closed for a moment before answering. The small flame warmed my face, reminding me of the sensation before jumping over the wall that very morning.

"I wanted to join the Survey Corps, but with my father's... abandonment and my older brother... going missing... I'm all my mother has left. I owe it to her to live a long, successful life so I can gift her all the comforts I can earn. I missed the cutoff for the MP, so here I am."

"Why are there so many diagrams of their feet?" Cinnie perked up to ask.

"The bottom of the foot has more nerve endings per square inch than anywhere else on the body. Being humanoid creatures, titans might be the same." I repositioned a lock of my hair with a flip of my head. "Ideally, you could hit a specific point and even cause a titan to throw up a victim prematurely and they'd survive, assuming they weren't bitten too severely."

All eyes widened.

They all jumped up and towered over me, unconsciously kicking some dirt over the fire, which was already dimming out.

They all shouted out over each other.

"That's some seriously progressive shit!"

"Do you know how many lives we can save like that?!"

"Damn Bel! You're a genius!"

"Imagine the things we could do with this!"

"Humanity can finally gain the upper hand!"

"Everyone please quiet down!" I yelled, raising to my feet. They all flinched ever so slightly, so I lowered my voice. "The monarchy outlawed the practice and study of all ancient eastern medicine. I was only able to learn about these things because the doctor I learned from kept an extremely low profile." I looked each one of them severely in the eye. "Please. Not a single one of you can say a word of this..." I pleaded, desperately hoping I wouldn't have to start preparing a return to life underground, only as a fleeing fugitive.

"Of course," Leo stated, a visage of profound honesty filling his deep viridian eyes. He placed his arm gently around my shoulders and gave the opposite one a gentle squeeze, "and we're all going to support you."

"Wha? Leo, you can't speak for the-" I stammered.

"Yes he can." Rolo admitted, mirroring Leo's motion on my other side.

"If Leo's behind you, we're all behind you." Gabriel affirmed, crossing his arms.

"That's right! We're fam like that!" Cinnie squealed, excitedly shaking Gabriel.

CJ raised her elbow and comfortably rested atop his shoulder. "Yeah, we all go back so far our actual relatives are jealous of us."

Gabriel choked a laugh and playfully brushed the two girls off him. "True that, so don't worry about it. They're your ideas. They'll travel as far as you want them to, and it won't start with us. You don't even have to teach us anything if you don't want to."

"Pft, whatever Gabe, I'm reading that thing." CJ snickered, swiping the book from Cinnie's hand.

"Wait! I wanna see the baby titan drawing again!" Cinnie whined, stretching to grasp for it as CJ held it out of reach.

"Nuh-uh, it's not yours." chastised Rolo as he effortlessly bopped it from her hand and handed it to me.

Tears began to fill my eyes. I never knew this feeling. I've felt support from my mother, brother, and even the doctor, but this was the first time complete strangers chose to stand beside me, with no blood tied obligation at all.

No.

I was wrong.

These people were no longer strangers.

They were now my friends.

"Holy crap! Are you crying?" Rolo screeched a little too highly, "Aww man," He released me and pushed me into Leo's chest, "There you go, Homes, crying women are your thing, not mine! Later fam!" He waved as he turned back towards the barracks. The other three followed after him.

"Bye bye Bel!"

"Feel better tomorrow!"

"Nice meeting you, Bel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :)


	5. Romp and Circumstance

The next morning, I suited up to rejoin the operation. I begged my squad leader to readmit me into the team to which he eagerly obliged. A few of the other newbies couldn't make it back, and the senior soldier next to me yesterday had... died. I grimaced at the image and shuddered it out of my head.

I decided to leave my valuables behind that time and tucked them away beneath my cot, making sure there was no trace of their existence. After speedwalking past the breakfast bar and dodging the latecomers, I set out early for the wall.

"Hey Stranger." A terse voice scolded as I felt a tug on my collar. It was Gabriel. "How are you feeling this morning?"

I beamed, bubbly that he reached out to me. "I feel great! I actually asked my squad leader if I could work and he let me back in!"

"Really? You sure about that? I could take your place for the day if you want me to."

"No, it's fine! I'm looking forward to going back out today."

"Well aren't you a suicidal dumbass!" CJ chimed into the conversation, the Cunningham siblings following closely behind. "Gabe think fast!" She tossed a muffin towards Gabriel, who caught it in one hand and swiftly began peeling back the wrapper. "Leave that attitude to the Survey Corps try-hards!" She winked, signaling me not to take her remarks personally.

"Well, I've got to make my techniques known somehow!" I replied.

"To Captain Levi." A familiar voice teased above me. I looked straight up to see Leo's playful grin looking down upon me. My cheeks ignited, recalling the encounters with Captain Levi the day prior.

"Leo!" I shouted shyly. "That's not true!"

"What?!" The rest of them shouted in unison.

"Bel had a thing with the Scout Captain?!" Cinnie chirped.

"Bel has a thing for the Captain?!" CJ said energetically. They both looked eager for some gossip.

"CJ! Why didn't you bring me a muffin?" Leo whined, leaning over my head and drooping his arms over my shoulders. That was too close for comfort...

"Here crybaby shut up." She shoved a muffin into his open complaining mouth and shoved him away from me in the same motion. Both girls then excitedly jumped into my personal space.

"So, what happened?!"

"He flirted with you?!"

"Hey! It wasn't really any of those things! I just caught his attention a couple times and-"

"A couple times!" CJ announced. "Damn! I can't even get my cat to notice me that much, and you've got that short-stack man-hunk to-!"

"He's not cute!" Cinnie argued.

"I didn't say he was cute! I'm saying he must be shredded!"

"Bel!" They both turned to me and shouted in unison.

"You'd better tell them, Bel. You won't make it in time unless you're quick." Rolo jeered, giving Gabriel another muffin. He had already finished the first one.

"Alright, well, the Scouts marched up past Leo and I while I was polishing a cannon and he scolded me for saluting with my bandana on." I could almost feel his index finger brushing against my cheek as I recalled the memory. "And when I woke up after the titan attack-" I was cut off by Leo nearly choking on his muffin because he started laughing on cue.

There was my chance.

"Well, Leo can tell you the rest later!" I pat Leo on the back and took off before I could be stopped again.

The matter of fact was,

I did kind of wanted to see Captain Levi.

 

* * *

 

When I scaled the wall, I accidentally landed into a conversation between the two commanders and a small mixture of Garrison and Scout troopers.

"Aaa! Pardon me!" I said, making a stiff salute and turning to excuse myself.

"Well! If it isn't the Garrison daredevil!" A Scout exclaimed, tugging my gear to keep me from leaving.

"I'm sorry?" I questioned, wondering why she, a soldier from another branch, would stop me. She was a rather tall woman, with her burgundy hair tied up into a playful ponytail and rectangular goggles secured to her head with a strap.

She released me and, to my surprise, saluted to me. "Oh right, my apologies, my name is Hange Zoe, and I have to say that you are very brave!" She grabbed my hand and shook it up and down vigorously.

A little taken aback by her respect and enthusiasm, I managed a stiff smile. "Bel Vanteon...  please don't feel the need to salute a greenhorn like me..." I averted my eyes shyly.

"Aren't you just the cutest, buh-buh-Bel!" She squealed, pulling me into a quick but equally tight and suffocating hug. I gasped and she released me. "You've earned my respect! Take it!"

"Thank you, um..." I searched for the proper title to address her with.

"Please, just Hange!" I was surprised by her strange histrionic behavior. I didn't expect such felicity from a Scout soldier.

"Really? Alright," I composed myself and brushed my hair from my face, "Thank you, Hange."

"Let's go for a walk!" She suddenly announced, taking me by the shoulder. "See you later, Erwin!" She said as she waved off the tall blonde man. She called her Commander by his first name alone...?

"Oh? Just a moment, Hange!" The Scout Commander dismissed the other soldiers he was speaking to and made his way towards us. His powerful presence communicated much more than the charisma and dignity he carried himself with during my graduating class' Night of the Disbanding Ceremony. The sunlight, as opposed to torchlight, seemed to make his authoritative composure all the more official in a strange way I couldn't really explain. He held out his hand. "Erwin Smith. I must apologize for not seeing you yesterday. I didn't expect such a courageous reaction from your ranks. I am terribly sorry my actions caused that accident, and am delighted to see you well, Ms. ..." He trailed off as an asking for my name.

I hastily reached out and shook his hand. "Private Bel Vanteon, Commander." His handshake wasn't harsh, as I expected it to be. People were surprising me left and right. "You don't have to apologize. We were both acting as soldiers, and it was an honest mistake." I smiled gently, hoping I didn't appear too stiff.

"It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Vanteon. You are a very respectable soldier."

"The pleasure is all mine, Commander."

"Well, I'm gonna steal Bel for good now!" Hange announced, waving him off and leading me with an arm around my shoulder. I was a tad uncomfortable with the contact, but decided to stay put.

 

* * *

 

Once we had walked a substantial distance from any other soldiers, she plopped down on a crate and motioned towards a stationary cannon. "Have a seat, Bel! Let's have a nice chat!"

"Sure," I agreed, wiping down the edge of the cannon before sitting comfortably cross-legged, "What's it like in the Survey Corps, Hange?"

"Let's talk about Levi!"

"Hah?!" I noticeably flinched at her unexpected turn.

"I want to apologize for him. He's not very savoir-fair, but he usually doesn't lash out so harshly, unless you get on his personal nerve. You see," She glanced around to ensure our privacy and leaned in towards me, "He doesn't think too highly of the other branches and hates nothing more than losing soldiers for preventable reasons. He holds them in low regard because he deems their lack of training and seriousness to blame, but don't take it personally!"

"I don't think I understand, I didn't contribute to anyone's inconvenience. I got eaten before doing much else..."

"I mean you, Bel, you unstrategically risked your life. You're very lucky to have survived."

"Oh..." I averted my gaze, contemplating her words alongside the encounters I had with Captain Levi. "I'm sorry for causing trouble for my comrades... Was... anyone else hurt?"

"Aside from the veteran on your left flank, there were no other casualties, only a few sprained ankles and broken bones that happened during the aftermath, mostly from your Garrison buddies."

"Forgive me, but are you insulting my comrades, Hange?"

"No! Not at all! I'm sorry for being rude. I guess I'm doing a terrible job apologizing, aren't I?" She stretched her arms above her and released a tense breath. "Well, the bottom line is, Levi seems to have taken a liking to you. He saw you jump into that titan and said something to me along the lines of 'Is one of ours wearing roses today?' and jumped in to save you after Erwin did in the titan. He even reached through that cut and pulled you out. Now that really threw me for a loop!" She laughed loudly at the sky.

"I'm sure he was only doing what he thought was right..." I said.

"That could be true, " She said as she pushed off her knees and stood up, "But I know him pretty well, and he wouldn't have done that for just anybody, especially a soldier that wasn't one of our own." She gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder and turned to return to the Commander. "Take it easy today!"

"Thank you. You too, Hange!"

The wings of freedom fluttered from her shoulders as she walked away, as if they were calling me.

 

* * *

 

Despite such a rocky start, the remainder of the operation seemed to be going very smoothly. A few soldiers were even retracted early. Quite a few more workers even showed up to speed up the job. Whether they were offered a raise or found their courage, I didn't know, but I felt a certain sense of pride since my first real mission was coming to an end. My mother, however,  felt otherwise. I visited her the other day and the story of my first time doing real military work made her hysterical. We reversed our roles and I spent the rest of the night comforting her. By the time I could get her to sleep, it was just before dusk. Instead of turning in as well, I climbed onto the rooftop and watched the sunrise. The clouds in the distant skies appeared very dark regardless of the blades of sunlight that pierced and engilded their vaporous surfaces. Thank goodness. The operation should be long over before those clouds roll in. I descended to our doorstep and went inside to help myself to a cup of tea before departing again, passing by a seasons-old birdnest.

All that remained of the operation was to collect the lumber and hull it through the gates. As the remainder of the logs were being loaded, I sat up from my perch over the edge of the wall, crossed my wrists together, and stretched them above my head. I hadn't seen Captain Levi since the first day. I figured he was assigned somewhere else, busy preparing for the next expedition, or suffering from constipation. It could happen to anyone, really, especially with the virus that'd been going around. Not even he could evade the banes of humanity, but.frankly, I was let down. I needed to thank him.

Once the head scout gave the signal, I joined my comrades and we marched parallel to the Scouts below. It was a long day. As chatter was verboten for the remainder of the mission, I passed the time watching the sky change color. Some might think it may create more ennui than watching paint dry, but I always found it fascinating. If you look closely enough, you can even see them move,  a lackadaisical journey to the ends of the earth.

That's what I dreamed of. I chuckled quietly to myself upon noticing my envy of clouds.

 

* * *

 

Before I knew it, my team and I were packing up to leave our temporary barracks. From the lack of an announcement of any upcoming missions, I concluded that the humdrum days of typical Stationary Guard soldiers were going to make a comeback. A crippled dehydrated flower fell out of my small stack of blouses and I remembered my friends. Leo often brought me pieces of various plants and asked me what they were. At first it was just a joke. They were teasing me for knowing too much about obscure things, such as how orchids evolved to resemble female bee genitalia to attract pollinators. I couldn't even begin to explain evolution to them. The monarchy's strict control of education had subliminally brainwashed the minds of my peers, particularly with regard to ancient biological sciences such as that. Anything that could trigger questions of life over a century ago or the land outside the walls was oppressively withheld from the general public. As far as I knew, you could only be enlightened through illegal means. As I thought about it, I had forgotten quite a bit of the basics from my underground studies. The only things I could recall were from my current smuggled library, which were pretty specialized. I guess they were right. I did only seem to remember the weirdest things. Were my thoughts even making sense? No wonder they decided to tease me.

My heart stopped. My notebook wasn't where I left it. I scrambled my sheets and frantically flipped over the thin mattress. Hidden behind the wooden supports was a hole in the wall.

No.

I ran out the door to meet my squad leader.

"Squad Leader Gustav!" I shouted, bursting into his office. He was in the middle of putting what seemed to be the last of his paperwork into a box.

"Care to address me properly, Soldier?" He replied coolly, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm sorry, Sir!" I said, shifting my limbs into a proper salute.

"Now step out, close my door, and knock." He droned.

"Leader Gustav! I nee-"

"I'm not joking. You made me lose my train of thought."

"Keh." I did as he told.

"Respect, Soldier!" I heard him shout from within his quarters. I loudly scratched the door with my nails and meowed repeatedly. He hates cats. Although all the ranks beneath his authority respected him, we never took his power trips seriously. He was always a good sport, which made him all the more likable.

"Goddamn it Vanteon!" He flung the door open, fist on hip, and let me in. "What is it?"

"Can you please tell me who left the quarters next to mine last?"

"Hah? Why don't you pay more attention?" He whined as he fumbled through the papers he had just finished putting away. "If you weren't such a space cadet I wouldn't have to personally notify you of things everyone else knows!" He stopped on a page, frowned at it, and kept going, "Which reminds me. You never got the debriefing report at the beginning of the operation, did you?"

"No sir."

"Of course..." He sighed as he pulled out the roster. He kept his left hand in the box to hold its place. "Everyone's gone except you. The last person to leave that cabin was Ethan Allende." Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. He graduated with my class.

"Thank you Gustav!" I said and made a break for it

"Squad Leader Gustav!" He stressed.

I was about to round the corner when I saw Captain Levi leaning casually against the wall.

"Captain Levi!" I beamed at him and affirmed the most respectful salute I could muster.

"Enough, Soldier. No one else is here. Your formality's making me uncomfortable."

"I'm sorry, Sir." He ever so slightly raised an eyebrow at me. Oops. I shifted my weight and loosely folded my arms, trying to act more casual without completely disrespecting him. "I want to thank you for pulling me from the titan. I'm honored."

He averted my gaze by looking to the side. "I didn't do much. Your gargantuan brunette buddy was the one who carried you up the wall."

"Still, I'm grateful. If I was conscious, I would have offered to wash your uniform after the mission."

"I don't trust anyone with my laundry."

"Oh, I didn't know that."

"You're welcome." He eyed me from the corner of his periphery, keeping his head locked. His brow remained furrowed and his lips kept a neutral, horizontal shape. I wondered if he played poker. He held my gaze for a few seconds until I remembered what I was doing.

"I'm glad I finally got the chance to thank you, Captain, but I really have to go now." I gave him an awkward wave goodbye and began making my way down the hall.

"Isn't it weird that I'm hanging out in a now inactive Garrison bunker when it would make more sense to be around my own branch?"

"That's not of my concern, Captain."

"It is now."

I spun around to see him hold up a notebook he procured from his jacket.

My notebook.

I immediately lunged for it. He effortlessly swiped it from my reach. I lunged again. He evaded me again.

"Captain! Please! That's mine!" I implored as I jumped around him like a graceless show pony.

"Obviously." He stated flatly.

I continued to hastily jump around him as he not as much as broke a sweat keeping my book from my grasp by fractions of a second.

"Hehe." He let out a small playful chuckle and held my notebook as high as he could on his toes. Too tired to jump, I stretched as far as I could but to no avail.

"Captain." I panted. "Please... return... my book..."

"Tch.  Too close." He grunted as he leaned back and pushed me away with his foot. The tip of his toe tapped a bone in my bustier. I shrieked and fell backwards. Deja vu, only this time my elbows split the shock. His foot remained firmly planted on my stomach, but weightless with the sole intention of keeping me down.

"You don't have to throw yourself on your ass every time we meet, Kitten. I'm not that intimidating, am I?" He questioned albeit rhetorically and began flipping through my book. He heard me messing with Gustav. I embarrassedly averted him as he continued inspecting my theories. "You have some progressive ideas, Bel Vanteon. The fuck are you doing in the Stationary Guard?"

I struggled to keep my breaths shallow, as every inhale brought his boot closer. "My j-job, Sir..." I stuttered.

"Bad choice of words. Let me rephrase." He replied, keeping his eyes glued upon the handwritten pages. "Why aren't you putting your talents to better use in the Scouting Legion? I know you're no chicken shit."

First he toyed with me, and now he's a step away from threatening me. I was naive. My luck had ran out. I let myself flat on the ground and fixed my eyes upon the dimly lit wooden ceiling as I answered him. "My original goal was to join the Military Police, Sir, but I graduated unqualified."

"Tch, seriously?" His face wrinkled into a disgusted grimace. "You wanted to join those filthy pigs and spend the rest of your days guarding the king as he shits?"

I bit the inside of my lower lip to stifle my laughter. My torso betrayed me and heaved a couple times. "No Sir. I wished to grant my mother citizenship in the capitol with my position, Sir."

"Ah." He epiphanized as he simultaneously clapped the book the book shut and leaned forward upon his knee. His weight transferred and caused me catch my breath. His hair succumbed to gravity and their shadows draped upon his face like low stratus clouds dragging across the softly rolling plains that were his cheeks, chin, temple, nose, and lips. His cravat dangled centimeters from my chest. The light behind his head illuminated his features magnificently. His expression softened as he studied my face. His breath felt oddly pleasant, and contained traces of rich black tea. I also detected a faint characteristic scent. Was he recovering from a cold? I pressed my lips into a thin line as I endeavored to keep my composure as his eyes dared me to break the tireless contact.

"You're older than the other trainees, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?!"

"It's hard to tell, though." He leaned a little closer, making me feel even more uncomfortable than before.  I faltered. "You have this look, like a baby or something..." I furrowed my brows as a warning that I was nearing the edges of my tolerance. "I want you to transfer to the Survey Corps as an honorary member of my team, Private Vanteon."

Honorary?  What did that mean? Wait…

My eyes widened. He wanted me, specifically? My thoughts returned to my mother, who spent the whole night prior crying in my arms. Her once unbreakable strength was fading. As much as I wanted follow my dreams, to leave the walls and dedicate myself to lowering Scout fatalities at the forefront of Humanity’s fight against the titans, my mother needed me. I couldn't leave her.

"I'm very sorry, Captain Levi, but I can't join you." I gently tapped the toe of his boot for permission to get up. He frowned, but complied. I dusted myself off.

"Very well." He retorted, crossing his arms. "I'll be visiting you for dinner tomorrow night."

"Pardon?"

"Fine then, just tea, tomorrow afternoon." He uncrossed his arms and walked down the hall, leaving me in a daze. "Until then, I'll be keeping this." He stated, waving my notebook before tucking it back into his jacket.

"Wait, Captain! I'm not ok with that!"

"Calm down. I'm not going to report you." He reassured as he opened the door. "I could care less about the government's idiotic conformities. If it means keeping my soldiers safe and bringing us closer to freeing humanity from those fucking titans, I won't think twice about committing a little treason. I'm sure Erwin agrees. You should also realize it…" He gave me one last look before shutting the door "… and change your shirt."

He left. I massaged my elbows as I returned to my room and stepped around the door to examine the extent of damage he did to my blouse.

"Tch, fucking brute." I cursed, and scrubbed away at the persistent footprint that spanned the length of my navel. For a short man, he had a big fucking boot. I felt I couldn't even begin to explain Captain Levi. He was too eccentric. First of all, he worked up a reputation faster than a government sex scandal and went out of his way to right trivial things, recalling the way he personally rode up to Leo and I just to pull down my cleaning bandana. He then went and dirtied his hands to rescue a lowly soldier that wasn't even affiliated with him. There were plenty of other soldiers around me. I understand why he would double back from the forest, but what was the point of such a high ranking officer taking the initiative to retrieve a body? Subsequently, the first thing he does after seeing the soldier he rescued awake is administer a ruthless scolding! On second thought, perhaps I deserved that. But regardless, he had no right! He didn't know me well enough to speak so cruelly to me! Hange did talk to me about it, though, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that matter. However, that doesn't redeem him for what he just finished doing to me!

Damn that man! Damn him to the dank crevasses of hell his short ass came from-!

The material of my shirt became warm with the friction I was angrily imposing on it. The mark wasn't coming off, so I'd have to try soap. I unclicked the upper portion of my harness and untucked my shirt.

"Hey Bel! Are you there?!" A voice shouted at me from the other side of the wall to the outside. I pulled my shirt back down and opened the shutters. It was Leo. He was holding up a small white flower about the size of a coin. Its sweet, exotic fragrance drifted into the musky room.

"What's taking you so long? We've been waiting to celebrate our first job!" He happily announced, leaning upon the windowsill. I sat on the opposite side. The sun was close to disappearing over the horizon for the day.

"Where are we going?"

"Into town. The rest of it's a surprise! But wear something nice! Leave the uniform!"

"It's a little cold though. Can I at least wear my jacket?"

He brought his hand to his chin in an obnoxiously deliberate pose. "I'll allow it."

I playfully smacked the back of his head. "Fine then, let me go home first. I'll meet you guys in front of the Trost Garrison Headquarters."

"Hehe oh no. No one's gonna wanna go back to that place off duty. I'll come with you."

"Fine." I said, closing the shutter on his face.

"Ow! Wait!"

I opened it again. "What?"

"What's this?" He held up the tiny, white flower. I was surprised he carried it all this way without crushing it.

"It's called Jasmine."

"That's it? No fun facts?"

"It's my favorite."

"I'll take it!" He laughed, leaving it on the wooden beam. "For you," his eyes moved towards the dried flower that had fallen on the ground earlier and pouted childishly, "Unless you're gonna treat it the same way as that one!"

"Oh don't be a baby." I said as I scooped up both specimens and placed them within an envelope. "I was in a panic earlier. I'll tell you guys later."

"Does it have to do with that huge smudge?"

"Yes."

He slammed his hands upon the sill and pushed himself up. "Alright! Who's ass am I gonna kick?!"

"Easy there! If you break something I'm gonna have to blackmail Gustav to keep from getting busted!" I said with a proud smile as I pushed him out. "Besides, there's no way you could get away with laying a finger on this guy." I smirked.

"Wha-what? No way! I can handle him! Who is he? What is his name? I'll challenge him to a duel amongst gentlemen and reclaim your honor!"

"I dare you to try!" I laughed as I pushed him back out the window.

"I will fight him!" He declared as he regained his balance.

"Fine fine! Now let me change or _I'm_ gonna be the one kicking _your_ ass!"

I slammed the shutter and slid the lock across. I quickly changed my shirt and swung my bag over my shoulder, deciding to let the unfastened portion of my harness dangle. As I walked down the hall, I peeked into Gustav's office to see that he had already left. He must have left through the other door. I returned my cabin key and rounded the building to the window where Leo was throwing fake punches and kicks.

"That is the complete opposite of nice."

"What makes you think I would pack fancy clothes for a job?"

"People who have a life and do things other than read, write, and stare into space during their free time."

"Fuck you." I spat nonchalantly as I gave him a light kick to the shin. We started walking home.

"So who gave you the boot. I shall fight him."

"Captain Levi."

"What? Again?" He thought to himself for a few seconds. "I... will fight him." He finally replied in his deepest possible voice. I laughed out loud.

"Seriously?! He's gonna flatten you so quick!"

"Hey if I can stand up for you and get kicked in the face by Captain Levi in the same day, it's a good day!"

"Fucking shit Leo, you're crazy." I laughed between my words and gave him a playful shove. "Make sure to wear a clean white shirt so if you're lucky, you can keep his footprint! Hell, maybe he'll even sign it for you if you ask nicely!"

We both burst into laughter and almost ran into the passing guards. We were a few blocks away from my home.

"So, why did Captain Levi give you the boot?"

I shyly fingered my hair as I explained the incident. "Well, he found my notebook somehow and teased me a bit. He seemed impressed by my stuff, so he asked me to transfer and join his squad..."

"Wait! Up! Was he serious?!" he exclaimed. "You're not gonna leave us, are you Bel?!" He comedically dropped to his knees and wrapped himself around my legs. "Please don't leave, Bel! I can change! I'll start showering every day! I'll stop picking my nose! I'll tell the squad to stop calling you Pint-Sized Dweeb!" He whined through hysterical fake sobs.

"When the fuck was that ever a thing?!" I yelled, trying to free myself from his playful grasp. "Get off! People are staring at you wondering what the hell you're on!"

I jumped out of his hold and left him there laughing on the pavement. Not that many people seemed to notice, actually.

"Alright alright I'm done!" He said as he stood up and dusted himself off. The sun had just dipped beneath Wall Maria’s enclave.

"My mother's been out of sorts lately, so wait out here and don't make a ruckus." I said as I reached into the old birdnest for the spare key. The worn wooden floors creaked welcomely as I shut the door behind me and peaked over the small cross-patched sofa. There she was fast asleep, with a wine bottle within her arm's reach. It was a cheap brand from the town brewery and not very potent. Still, I told her not to drink unless I was in the house. I narrowed my brow and covered her with the quilt she seemed to be working on. A certain red patch caught my attention. On closer inspection, I recognized it as the old cloth my brother used maintain his guitar. I positioned its section closer to her face and climbed the ladder to my room. I should hire someone to make stairs. I hoisted myself up into our old loft and emptied my belongings into my bed. On the other side of the space was my brother's old bed, which my mother took over. We used to share a bunk, my brother and I, but we had it deconstructed so we could sell the extra pine. I cleaned up my things, throwing my boot-printed blouse over an old wooden chair for later washing, and walked over to the closet. We had a few long skirts and bodices, one of which was the statement skirt she wore for my graduation. I made my decision and began to dress.

"Hellow my little lion cub!" I heard my mother's voice suddenly screech, causing me to hit my head on the dresser. Oh no. She's hammered. I slipped on my last boot and slid down the ladder. When I turned around, she was hanging out the window, Leo's neck in her steel, tipsy embrace. He seemed to hear my footsteps.

"Bel-he-lp-me-ack!"

I pulled her back into the house by her arm and she clumsily stumbled against me. When she looked up, her tired eyes alit. "Bel Baby! You're home!" She shoved her bony shoulder into my throat as she squeezed me. When she finally let me go, she began playing with my lace.

"What are you doing, looking so pretty?"

"My first operation ended today, so my friends are taking me out to celebrate."

"Oh, was that today? I'm sorry Bel, I could have had dinner waiting for you!"

"It's ok Ma, I'll bring you something."

She put her hands on her hips. "Well not with your hair looking like that!" she said as she led me to the kitchen table. She returned to the sofa to procure a hairbrush from a basket in the corner, "Just a few minutes, Leo!" She said, closing the window.

"Wait, I can't come in?"

"Not yet!" She yelled with her usual playful grin. I wasn't worried about leaving her alone now that she was awake. She's most vulnerable right before she falls asleep. When she wakes up, she can go from crippled street beggar to professional hitwoman very quick. She pulled back my hair and began sorting my unkempt locks. "How's it going, Bel?"

"There are no more big jobs, so everything's going to be pretty calm for a while."

"That's good. You take care so you can buy me my hacienda, ok? And be careful! Remember, sometimes you have to kick someone's butt to get them to listen to you. Don't let anyone push you around, ok?"

"Ok Ma." I affirmed, remembering the Captain's abrasive behavior. Technically, I didn't completely allow him to dominate me. I fought back. A little. As much as I could. "That reminds me, Captain Levi is coming over for tea tomorrow afternoon."

"Captain Levi? Isn't he a Scout?"

"Yeah, but our last mission was a joint effort, so I got the chance to know him, a little."

"Ooh how exciting!” She clapped her hands excitedly and slapped my shoulders. “But remember Bel, men are animals, even your dopey friend out there. It's good to have strong boys on your side, but don't let them inside, you hear?" She leaned next to my ear, "Even though there's some nice eye candy out there, remember, in the end, they all have two heads and only one brain."

"Mother!"

She giggled and expertly pulled my hair into a low ponytail over my shoulder. "There you go! Now be safe and have fun. And don't stay out too late! You're bringing me dinner! You already promised!" She turned up the oil in the table lantern and opened the front door. Leo was leaning against the other side playing with a stray thread on his tee shirt. “Leo!" She called to him authoritatively.

"Yes Ma'am."

"Take care of Bel!" She commanded as I gathered a fistful of my skirt and traversed the steps down the small porch, "Where are y'all going?"

Not wanting to upset her, he bent over and whispered to her.

"How nice!" She beamed, slapping her hands dramatically to her face. "Bring me..." She whispered her request into his ear. Come on now. I started getting really curious.

"Yes Ma'am!" Leo proudly beat his chest and joined me at the stoop.

"Bel." She tapped her toe to her calf.

"Yeah." I recognized the gesture. I always carry a knife in my boot. She had sewn in a low profile pocket just for that. She waved to us as Leo led me down the street.


	6. A Slice of Life

We ended up in a cozy cafe in the nicer part of Trost. Upbeat guitar strumming resounded from its interior.

"Bella Bel!" CJ ran up and swung me around. "Welcome to Luciano's!" The rest of them were holding packages.

"Presents? You guys are going overboard!" I said with my feet still off the floor.

"It's a big deal! You jumped into a titan's mouth and survived!" Cinnie sang and held out a small and meticulously wrapped package, which I humbly accepted. “Happy Almost Death Day!” I smiled tensely.

"We waited a long time to finally take you out! Come on!" Leo said as he vaulted over a lounge chair and plopped down. I joined him, not yet comfortable with my surroundings, and half sat on the arm of his chair. The others sorted themselves out and placed their gifts on the small table next to me.

"Thanks guys..."

"So," Gabriel started as he pulled up a wooden chair, spun it around, and sat down, "What do you think of my folk's place?"

"It's really nice," I said as I took a closer look of the atmosphere around me. It was a moderately lit venue with nicely maintained walls and floors. A few modest lanterns hung from the elegantly beamed ceilings. The shelves upon the countertop brimmed with various pastries. Their delicious fragrance permeated the room. A turn away from the counter was an elevated stage where a man was strumming a guitar uniquely nicked with age. A various array of seating arrangements occupied the majority of the room. There were small tables strewn about with various numbers of complementary chairs, suggesting that customers were free to rearrange them to their liking. The section we were sitting in had a couple sofas, loveseats, and individual armchairs. Some had built in wooden trays for drinks or a snack. Along the other window was a long bar-level table with stools. The word 'nice' may have been a little rude.

"On second thought, this place is gorgeous, Gabriel!" I complimented.

"Thanks. This place used to be a bar exclusively until my parents married. My mom wasn't happy with the scene, so they turned it into a pub slash cafe slash restaurant slash music lounge. The best part is over there," he motioned to a plaque mounted against the giant menu board behind the counter, "Soldiers are offered discounts that get bigger and bigger based on community rankings," he pointed to a wooden box with a slot cut into it, "People vote for their favorite soldier over there. The real enthusiastic fans include donations with their ballot, which really helps the place!"

"Wow," I replied in wonder, "Who's the current favorite?"

"Scout Captain Levi, of course!" Cinnie cheered. I looked over to the scoreboard. That's how you spell his name...? If I didn't know any better, I would have pronounced it like an imposed tax... or a dam... it rolls off the tongue better than the double stressed vowels...

"Not for long!" Rolondo jumped up and clenched his fists, "I'm gonna beat that Pint-Sized Pipsqueak!"

I kicked him in the rear, "So it was _you_ who started Pint-Sized Dweeb!"

"You goddamn snitch, Leo!" he yelled as he twisted his long limbs around to keep from falling onto the coffee table.

"Bel's gonna leave us!" Leo accused before Rolo could divert his attention, causing a unanimous gasp to erupt in our corner of the cafe.

"No! I'm not! I declined the offer!"

"What offer?" Cinnie questioned as she stared at me with her huge, elliptical eyes.

I slid off the armrest and sat in another chair, making sure to keep some distance between me and their imminent screams. I took a deep breath.

"The Captain got his hands on my work and offered me a position on his squad. When I turned him down, he invited himself to my house and kept my book. End of story." I plugged my ears as they all began shouting at once. I could make nothing out of those babbling idiots. I remained there until they calmed down. CJ was the first to speak up.

"So when's he gonna show up?"

"Sometime tomorrow afternoon. His ambiguity's convenient, huh?"

"Guess it was only a matter of time before the Scouts found out about you, " Rolando said and took a sip of his beverage, "Not that it's any of my business, but what are you gonna do once they start making threats? You think you can get away with that?"

I chuckled, "Threats?"

"I will fight him!" Leo declared.

"Enough with that! For the last time, you can't pick a fight with the Scout Captain!" I yelled at him.

"YOLO." He replied. I clasped my hands to my face.

"Hey hey hey, enough of that. We're not here to judge her life choices!" Gabriel said before anyone else could attack me. He reached for the top present and underhanded it onto my lap, "Open."

"That one's mine!" Cinnie squealed. I carefully peeled back the wrapper. The handpainted floral pattern was too beautiful to rip. I planned to cover our old jewelry box with it.

"Cinnie, this is so beautiful! It must have taken you forever!"

"Aww it was just a half hour or so! I like helping Gabe's parents design cakes!"

"I love it! This counts as two presents!" After unfolding the paper a few times, the gift turned out to be a red hair ribbon. "Aww Cinnie!" I reached over to give her a big hug. "It's beautiful! But when can I ever wear this?"

"Right now!" She giggled as she tied the wide satin string around my ponytail.

"Wait! That's not what I meant! I mean it's too cute! I'm too scared to wear it to work!"

"It depends on how you wear it. You can figure out a way to tuck it away so it won't get ruined." CJ offered coolly as she stirred her iced tea. "You really don't stand out much, aside from your huge-" Leo elbowed her sharply before she could finish. She countered with an upwards smack to his nape. "Made me splash my booze, Asshole."

My face flushed. I didn't mean to sound rude. "I'm s-so sorry!" I stammered as I tried to redeem myself, "I'm just not used to having things like this!" Cinnie smiled in a way that reassured me.

"Then you're really gonna hate this!" Rolo said as he tossed me a rather large box. Its contents shifted inside, making hollow jingle-like sounds. I untied the rustic string and opened the lid. I gasped loudly at its contents.

"Are these... gourmet chocolates?!"

"You bet your ass they are!" He affirmed proudly as he folded his arms behind his head and propped his long crossed legs onto the table.

"Holy shit Rolo! These must have cost a fortune!"

"If you feel that bad about it, share!" Leo offered as he reached into the box and picked up a small square chocolate with white drizzle. A sugar flower decorated a corner.

"Ok!" I passed the box around.

"Hey! Leave most of them ya moochers!" Rolo commanded.

"Next is mine." CJ flipped me a narrow object wrapped in a knotted dinner napkin. It was obvious. A knife, specifically a switchblade.

"Thanks, CJ!" I said as I reached over and patted her back. I ran my thumbs along the smooth curvature of the handle. "It's lovely!"

"I want a notch in that every time it saves your life." she ordered.

"But it's so nice!"

"Then give it back!"

"Ok! I'll keep score!"

"Atta girl!" She replied with a smug but proud smirk and raised her glass.

"Here comes my present!" Gabriel announced. "Everybody up! This is on the house!"

"About time!" Leo pushed himself up by his knees and held his hand out to me. A couple employees were pulling empty tables together and rearranging chairs. A couple more came from the kitchen holding large, steamy trays. We all filed into the seats and my eyes glazed over all the succulent dishes consisting of an array of different pastas, bread rolls, and vegetables.

"Man, it's been awhile since I've seen the specialties!" said CJ. She took a handful of plates and started passing them out. Rolo placed the utensils.

"Yeah, it's been tough. You know how hard it is to tell usuals that we ran out of their favorite thing? Damn." Gabriel explained. Cinnie reached for a slice of garlic bread.

"Oi! BB's going first!" Rolo scolded as he whisked the basket away. She scrunched up her face as if she was going to cry.

"No big deal!" I contested as I served myself a taste of everything. Everything was delicious.

"How's everything going, my little roses?" A bright but boisterous voice called out. I turned to see a rather heavyset woman making her way towards her table. She was wiping her hands on a sauce splattered towel tucked into her waistband. Gabriel got up to greet her.

"Bel, this is my mom." He explained.

"Mrs. Luciano!" I stood up and ran to her to shake her hand, "Thank you so much for the-aaa!" I unintentionally squealed as she picked me up in a huge hug.

"Anything for my favorite little soldiers!" She spouted gleefully and put me down. "Felix! Start up the thing!"

Gabriel immediately protested. "No! Dad! Not the thing!" The guitarist, now identified as Gabriel's father, sat up from his comfortable slouch and began playing a brisk and upbeat tune. He was joined by his wife, who started to sing. Her big voice signaled our group and the rest of the patrons to clap a beat. I joined in.

"C'mon Gabe go!" Rolo yelled as he gave him a forceful nudge.

"Yeah Gabby please!" CJ and Cinnie whined in unison.

"Ugh! I told you guys not to call me that!" He protested.

"C'mon Little G! You know you're the best! Bel hasn't seen it yet!" Leo added as a second.

"Ah fine! But stop twisting my name!" He abruptly got up and joined his parents on the stage. He stopped before a large object covered by a yellowed table cloth and pulled it off, revealing an old, but seemingly maintained upright piano. He bobbed his head a couple times to count himself in, and began playing.

"Wow…" I mouthed, not making the effort to raise my voice in the now uproarious cafe.

"I know, right?!" Leo shouted next to me.

"C'mon c'mon let's jump in!" Cinnie vigorously shook both CJ's and Rolo's arms.

"Nuh uh!" Rolo shook her off.

"Ok!" CJ took another swig of her drink and they both jumped onto the stage to sing competing harmonies.

I laughed through my excitement as they continued the song. Leo and Rolo winked at each other, then jumped up to sing the last verse and steal the show.

"Booo!" Cinnie yelled as she threw a tambourine that flew straight to his head. The whole place applauded and erupted in laughter and cheers. My chest and stomach heaved. I had never had so much fun in my entire life. I wiped the tears from my eyes and fell back into my chair, exhausted. The venue calmed down as the performers took their bows.

"You're amazing, Gabriel!" I clapped for him again as everyone reclaimed their seats.

"Eh, I'm not all that good," he replied humbly, yet snickered, "Except I am!" He beat his chest proudly and opened his arms wide, satisfied with his delivery.

"Shaddap tiny troubadour!" Rolo said and pushed him out of his chair. He quickly got up and they both exchanged a couple punches before slapping each other on the back, their laughter complementing each other like the most beautiful of duets. Something in the air sparked between them.

"Eeew!" Leo howled teasingly. "Get a room, you two!" Rolo shoved Gabriel's face aside with one hand and flipped off Leo with the other.

"Shut up! I'm straighter than the pole your mother dances on!" He insulted. I choked on my drink.

"Who are you two kidding?" CJ said as she stood behind Leo. "You two lovebirds are straight as a pig's tail!"

Gabriel sat up, "Well! You two are-!"

"Can it Gabe. Can't you see they're trolling?" They nodded to each other flipped them off while Cinnie and I burst into giggles.

"Oh right!" Cinnie picked up the tambourine and held it out to me. "How about you, Bel? Do you wanna sing?" She asked.

"Oh, no, I'm not very good at all! I'll spare your guy's ears. You're all great, though!"

"Aww, please?" She begged.

"Hey, no need to overwhelm her!" CJ said, pulling Cinnie pack.

"Heh, thanks..." I said, relieved that I wouldn't have to sing.

"Oh, that reminds me. Didn't you have news, CJ?" Rolo asked.

She gasped excitedly and rummaged through her pocket, "That's right!" She pulled out a photograph and presented it to us. "My baby brother made the top ten!" She screeched.

"Oh snap!" Leo shouted as he reached over to give her a high five.

"Whoo hoo Jean-ny boy!" Cinnie cheered.

"Wow! So that's your brother?" I asked and she passed me the photo. "Oh wow, he's quite a handsome young man."

"Whoa, who are you, my mom?" She joked and pulled out another piece of paper. "And look what I found under his bed!" She held up a smudged drawing of a girl with short black hair.

"Ooo!" Rolo said and took the picture. "Guy's got it bad! Do you know who she is?"

"Naw, he mouths off and runs away every time I ask! Mom and I can't get near him anymore!"

"I see..." Said Leo, pressing a finger to his temple. "I say we go find out."

CJ's eyes gleamed and a mischievous grin pushed her cheeks to the max. "Hell yeah, let's go!"

We all grabbed our jackets and ran out the door. "Thank you again, Mrs. Luciano!" I shouted behind me.

 

* * *

 

We soon made it to the back of the men's cadet cabin. Garrison friends of ours eagerly let us through. We huddled behind a group of tall bushes.

"There he goes! He's all alone!" CJ whispered.

"What should we do?" Cinnie asked.

"Scare the crap out of him." Rolo replied lowly.

"You still mad at him for breaking your arm?" Gabriel snickered.

"Fuck yeah! That damn runt put me away for weeks!"

"How?" I asked.

Leo leaned over to me. "It was his own fault. Rolo thought it'd be a good idea to mess with a gear Leader Hannes left lying around."

"Nuh uh! He knew very well that was the trigger! That spunky asshole had it in for me!" Rolo argued.

"Oh come on, that wasn't the first time you put your gear on upside down and flew ass first into the ground... and a wall... and my mom..." Gabriel said. The rest of us began to giggle.

"Fuck off, Gabby!"

"What kinda beef did he have with you?" I questioned further.

"He thought he was CJ's boyfriend." Gabriel answered. Rolo punched him hard in the arm and I had to cover my mouth to stifle my giggles.

"Ok! Here's what we'll do!" Cinnie took the initiative. "We'll have to be quick and quiet though!"

"Crap! He's heading back!" Leo warned.

Cinnie quickly ordered us and we ran to our positions. I threw a pebble into the water basin. The sound caught his attention. Jean stopped, looked over his shoulder, and walked back towards the basin.

"Ugh." He grunted and rolled up his sleeve to fish it out. Leo then, from a nearby tree, shook some branches. Jean froze, tilted his head, and slowly withdrew his arm.

"Go back to sleep, Jaeger! I know it's you!" He yelled. His eyes scanned the windows and his expression suddenly changed. I stifled a giggle. He definitely saw the person he was accusing inside. Upon noticing this, his eyes darted around the area. Inside a nearby shed, Gabriel and Cinnie pounded on the walls and rattled some equipment.

"Who's there?!" Jean yelled and grabbed a broom for protection. After taking a couple steps towards the shed, I quickly ran over to the basin, turned on the water, and jumped to hide behind it. Jean whipped his head to the mysteriously running faucet and his face lost color. The shed door slowly opened and Cinnie emerged blindfolded. She had one hand with a cranberry-soaked cloth pressed to her neck and the other reaching out for him.

"Help... me..." She stammered and fell forward. Rolo, with the neck of his shirt pulled over his head, slowly emerged from the doorway with a knife in hand. Jean turned stark white and screamed. He threw down the broom and made a break for the cabin.  CJ was sadistically on the money to suggest Rolo pretend to be the popular horror character.

"Marco!" He shrieked. CJ jumped from the bushes we were hiding in and tackled him to the ground. He kept screaming for Marco until CJ finally turned him over.

"That's what you get for being a bitch, Jean-bo!" She yelled.

"Goddamn it, Cathy! What the fuck are you doing here?!" He shouted angrily.

"We came to congratulate you, Jean!" Cinnie chirped as she skipped over to their tousled bodies.

"Who the hell does that?! Congradulate like a normal person! Or better yet, go home!" He barked as the rest of us joined up laughing. "All you assholes!" He got up and raised an eyebrow when he noticed me. "Oh, you're new."

I waved sporadically, still jittery from excitement. "Hi Jean! I'm Bel! Congratulations on your ranking!"

"Jean!" A boy with freckles ran out to us.

"You're too late, Marco!" Rolo cackled as he hooked his arm around Jean's neck in a playful choke hold." Who's the girl, Jean-ny boy?! Who's the girl?!" He interrogated as he shoved his other elbow into his head.

"Oh! Hey guys!" Marco said, a little too happily for Jean's taste, as he grunted an unintelligible complaint.

"Do you know who this is, Marco?" Cinnie asked, showing Marco the drawing.

"That's Mikasa!" He answered gleefully.

Jean's ears reddened and his arms went limp. "Please... all of you... just go away... or bother someone else... I don't care...!" He whined as he dangled in Rolo's grasp.

"Bel can draw her for you if you show us where she is!" Leo offered.

"What." I said.

"What? Really?!" Jean snapped as he lifted his hanging head. His face was adorably red and I couldn't say no to his innocent and bright-eyed expression.

"I'm not going with this!" Marco stated sheepishly and turned back towards the cabin.

"Aww Marco!" Jean protested.

"Somebody's gotta keep the rest of the bunk from coming out after the commotion you all made!"

"Oh, thanks!" Jean took my arm and quickly dragged me away. "Hurry! She could still be in the mess hall!" I tagged along and made my best effort to produce a quality replication of the girl he admired. I sighed and hoped Jean could convey his feelings someday. He had a temper, but the look on his face as he looked at Mikasa was adorable. He was a good kid, and even accepted my ruffling his hair.

 

* * *

 

By the time we left the training camp and started walking home, I was exhausted. Everyone parted ways, but Leo, having made the promise to my mother, walked me home and helped me carry the dinner she requested. The moon was mostly obscured by heavy clouds. It might rain tomorrow. Maybe the Captain will cancel...

"You're probably wondering what my present is, huh?" Leo suddenly broke the silence.

"Hm?" I asked, as I wasn't paying attention.

"Everyone else got you a present, but I still have to give you mine."

"It's alright, Leo, I'm already glad-" Before I could finish, he snatched my hand and pulled me aside. His breath was suddenly short and his eyes were frightened. "Leo... what's the matter?"

"This can't wait another day..." He said, nervously running his hands through his hair.

"What can't wait?" I said, glancing towards the brick wall where he placed the food.

"Well, we're soldiers... and I don't know how much time we may have, but, would you... please..." He dropped his arms as he gathered his courage. "...be my girlfriend?"

"What?" I stood there wide eyed. "Leo, I don't think..."

"I know we've only known each other a short time, but if our lives aren't going to be much longer, I feel like I should-"

"We're not Scouts, Leo."

"I know! But I know you want to become one, and I don't want to stop you, so, if you're going to join, " He exhaled sharply before continuing and placed both his hands squarely on my shoulders, "I'm gonna join too!"

"Leo..." That was all I could say. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. "Don't worry, I'm going to stay in the Garrison, no matter what the Captain has to say tomorrow."

"Still... " He said, returning my embrace before pulling away, "Can we..."

"We're not going to die anytime soon, Leo." I said as I looked up into his eyes. I already had a full agenda. It was wonderful having a group of friends, but I couldn't bring it upon myself to indulge in anything more. Additionally, he had no idea who I really was, or where I really came from. It would be best if he never did.

"Ok, I get it..." He said sadly, "… but I just wanted to give you this." He leaned forward and lightly kissed the apple of my left cheek. He lingered for a moment, then slowly backed away. "That's all." He cleared his throat and picked up the bag. "C'mon, let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :)
> 
> P. S. : I'm wondering what kind of music tastes y'all have! What song was "the thing?"


	7. Skin

"Mom, I don't think you should wear that..." I groaned as she modeled the outfit she planned to wear that day.

"Why not?" She whined, "It's cute! And I made it myself!"

"My thoughts exactly. You look like a courtesan. The Captain's gonna think that's how we get our money!"

"Maybe he'll give us a generous tip!" She winked.

"Change! Now!"

"Alright!"

"Keh." I sipped the remainder of my breakfast tea as she reluctantly climbed back up the stairs. The sun had barely peeked over the wall, still obstructed by a fleet of angry looking clouds. I stood up, washed my teacup, and wiped it with a towel before placing it back in the rusty hinged cabinet.

"Don't forget to put out the water buckets, ok?" I shouted up into the loft before leaving.

"Ok!" She shouted back.

We were to report to duty first thing in the morning to prepare for the upcoming storm. Everyone was in raingear and securing tarps over the cannons. The rain came and went in timely pours, and the winds had been making their debut since we started. Together, it made the top of the wall extremely cold. I regretted not wearing an extra layer or two, and shivered beneath my raingear.

"Vanteon! You done?" Squad Leader Gustav called above the atmospheric howls.

"Almost! Private Vicente and Luciano are still a few cannons down!"

"Ok! You're all done after this! Make sure you tell them!"

"Aye! Take care, Gustav!"

"Don't stay out too long, Vanteon!"

I kicked the mallet I was using beneath the tightly secured tarp. The winds didn't even cause as much as a wave through the waterproof covering. Satisfied with my work, I tightened the hood of my cloak and ran to meet Leo and Gabriel.

"Guys! That's the last of the cannons!"

"Thank Sina!" Gabriel yelled, throwing up his hands and shaking the sweat from his hair. A light sprinkle made its return.

"Leo? You done?" I asked, walking over to his crouched over form.

"Yeah I'm good!" He bolted up before I could get any closer. I glanced over my shoulder and looked out over the vacant abandoned buildings beyond the wall. Guess even titans took shelter in storms. Gabriel walked over to us.

"Let's go! Rolo and the girls are gonna help run the shop! We get real busy when it rains!" He said.

I looked over at Leo, who's usually bright expression was uncharacteristically troubled. It was my fault. I could have handled things better.

Heavier drops of water began to fall.

"You guys go on ahead. I have to help my mom lock up." I said monotonously. Leo blinked at me with a tinge of regret.

"Alright, let us know how it goes tomorrow!" Gabriel replied as he patted Leo on the shoulder and walked away. Leo stayed staring at me.

'It's ok,' I mouthed to him. He gave me a weak smile and a half hug before jumping off the wall with Gabriel.

My sinuses contracted as the rain quickly turned into a heavy downpour. I broke his heart. Why didn't I just humor him? If I wasn't so selfish, maybe I could have let him down easier. Wait. What was I thinking? I made the right choice! It would have been worse if I was anything but honest...

A bright bolt of lightning parted the foggy late morning sky like a blade of hope tearing through an endless night. A sharp flap in the corner of my vision caught my attention. Gabriel's work had come undone. I knelt over and retied the knot.

A large flock of birds flew over my head. I rose my sights to trace their haphazard formation as they disappeared into a large tree over the wall. That was odd. Those birds weren't native. Did they migrate...? Even so, they wouldn't be out... Subtle vibrations shook the wall. A few cats down below began to scatter. I readied my blades. Thick steam rose from behind a crumbling bell tower.

"Hey!" I called out behind me, "Titan!"

There was no one around. Only covered cannons were my company. I ran towards the nearest alarm bell. A large crash sounded below and I lost my footing. I fell over the wall and pulled my 3DMG trigger as quickly as I could. I looked down to see a rather small five meter titan clawing up in my direction. Should I call for help? Should I engage? As I began to retract myself up, the titan took a few steps back and began charging into the wall.

An aberrant. The decision wasn't mine anymore.

I dropped down and sliced at the titan by the wrists. It didn't make a sound as it fell backwards into a building. Really? This titan was going to be mute? I needed it to scream! I stared down at the titan. It didn't seem very menacing at all. This could be my chance. I reached into my pocket for my notebook.

Duh, the Captain still had it. Can I do this without it? I ran a plan through my head. I should stick to a weakness I was most sure of. The titan's arms were coming back. There were no other titans in the vicinity.

I had to be quick!

I ran down the wall and jumped towards the titan. It turned its head towards me and I slashed across its eyes. It stumbled around clumsily and I landed on the ground. There was my opening! I anchored my left grapple and flew across the titan's shoulder. I rebounded from the wall and twisted myself back around, taking care to retain my footing along the slippery bricks and mud. I continued weaving my cable web until the titan fell, it's arms securely glued to its sides. Great! Now I could test another theory! I jumped atop the titan and made my way towards its feet.

Let's see if you've eaten anybody.

I rose my blade and was about to jam it into its foot when the titan sat up and clamped its jaws over the anchored cable.

Shit!

I lost my balance and flipped over as the cable snapped. The titan rose to its feet and started stumbling around to reach me as I dangled from its back. Goddamn it! This was so stupid! I took a signal flare from my holster. Heavy raindrops struck my face and rolled into my nose. I felt like I was drowning. I pulled the neck of my soaked cloak over my chin, hoping it could provide me some relief and loaded an acoustic round into my flare gun. The smoke wouldn't be seen with all the moisture in the air. Covering my ears, I shot at the sky. The titan screeched and began to flail more violently. If he fell backwards by any off chance, he would crush me! I raised my blades and pierced into the titan's back to right myself. I could reach the nape, but then this capture would be labeled a failure. A sudden crack of lightning illuminated the forms of a group of small titans coming my way.

My heart sank. It didn't matter after all.

I had already failed.

I reached up and dragged my dagger across the nape of its neck. The excised portion of flesh released a thick layer of searing steam. The titan fortunately fell forward. My gear, with the broken cable, was now useless. I had no means to get back over the wall. I cut through the harness and yanked the triggers from the contraption. The titans were less than a block away. I drew fresh blades and faced them. It looked like I wasn't going to get any help, but I could take one, two... four of them if I didn't waste my cuts, assuming I was physically capable of actually fighting them. I took a deep breath, ripped off my cloak, and charged.

Blood suddenly spouted into the air as all four titans fell forward, done in by a dazzling flash of rapidly rotating steel, like lightning. The deadly spark halted atop a stable rooftop and revealed itself to be a man. The wings of freedom rose from his back. He stood and turned his head in my direction.

"Bad call, Kitten. That's what cannons are for."

I fell to my knees in awe and stared up at him as he wiped the blood from his blades.

"You're lucky I came to pick you up after your assigned duty. Poor coincidence you were released early." He jumped down and unfastened his cloak. "Come on, you're gonna get pneumonia or some shit." The supple material whisked gracefully from his shoulders. "You must be the second stupidest woman I've ever met. What were you planning on doing after you succeeded in trapping the titan, and yourself? Jeeze..." He mumbled as he reached behind and draped the shroud around me.

I stared blankly ahead.

"Hey! I'm talking to you, brat!" He yelled, trying to get my attention. My head got cloudy, and I fell forward into his arms. He jumped with a start. "Tch... you're fucking cold!" He reached for my knife, which had fallen not too far away, leaned me back slightly, and sliced open the lacing of my bodice with a single quick motion. Heat erupted from beneath my clammy, shivering skin. I knew very well what he was doing.

"Don't you overreact!" He commanded as he quickly unbuttoned his own shirt, tucked my head into his shoulder, and pulled me against his bare chest. There was a vast contrast between the sturdiness of his torso and the softness of my own body in comparison. "Are you awake?" he asked after a few seconds of steady contact. I nodded. "Ok then, hold on tight. We're going to my place." I did as I was told and wrapped my arms and legs around him, making carrying my weight as easy as possible.

"Wait! What about the alarm? We have to warn the guard!"

"It's titan territory, idiot! You already killed the aberrant. Another one isn't gonna show up so soon."

He pulled the trigger of his gear and effortlessly carried us up the wall. My eyes felt heavy, so I dismissed the sight of a lightning flash and another titan in the distance. Instead, I enjoyed the hindsight of his adept traveling coupled with his comforting scent, a perfect mixture of high quality soap and an underlying hint of pheromonic sweat.

 

* * *

 

We made it to the Scouting Legion HQ rather quickly, to my regret. We landed in the stables near the main building. The rain had stopped and thin rays of sunlight began piercing through the thick clouds of prior. He let me down and opened a nearby cabinet.

"Here," he said as he handed me a clean towel, "Dry your hair and wring out your clothes as much as you can. Preferably, enough so you're not dripping."

I nodded and shakily took the towel. He took another one for himself and flipped his hair before exuberantly rubbing it against his head. The swift, thorough motions seemed familiar. The way he crouched down to wipe the mud from his boots felt familiar still.

"What are you waiting for? The sooner we get you warm and dry, the better." He chastised when he noticed my staring.

"Sorry, Sir!" I replied, and quickly began drying my hair. When he finished, he threw me a clean saddle blanket, which I eagerly wrapped around my shoulders. Instead of letting me walk through the headquarters myself, he swiped me across his body and slipped his arm beneath my knees.

"Umm, Captain? I'm feeling better now. I can walk."

"Less footprints. You barely even touched your filthy shoes." He replied curtly.

"I'm sorry..."

"Tch."

He carried me through the labyrinth of halls, staying surprisingly light on his feet despite my weight. Light and airy persiflage drifted from every doorway with occasional laughter. He stopped before an elaborate oak door and wiped his feet a couple times. I tightened my grip on him with his sudden shift of weight.

"Get the door." He commanded.

"Huh?" I wasn't listening.

"The goddamn doorknob, you dummkopf! I thought you were stupid, not deaf!"

"Excuse me, Sir, but I still have water in my e-ah" I lightly pushed away from him to put as much distance between us as I could, buried my face into my free elbow, and sneezed.

"Ugh, disgusting." He retorted as he gave up on my assistance and reached beneath my back for the doorknob. "That's staying out here. Now, up." He commanded with a directional jerk of his head. I obeyed and lifted my back from his arms, steadying myself about his neck and shoulders. He pulled the saddle blanket from me and draped it upon the doorknob. My eyes brightened. He must be knowledgeable about disease. I wondered how educated he was. I couldn't help but release a slight giggle through my pondering as he maneuvered us around the door and closed it with his foot.

"What the hell was that?"

"I think you're funny, Captain."

"Do you." He stated flatly as he dropped me onto an elegantly armed couch covered by a white bedsheet. He noticeably cringed as the caked on mud from my boots began to crumble. "The bathroom's over there." He motioned with his head as he opened his drawer, struck a match, and threw it into the fireplace behind his desk. "Wash off your stuff... " He pulled an iron screen and pushed his desk forward a bit."... and hang them here." He demonstrated by laying down his jacket. "And if you have to sneeze, grab a cloth and toss it into the bin."

"Umm..." I hummed lowly, pulling.the folds of my clothing tightly across my chest.

"I'll get you something to wear in the meantime, calm down." He exasperated as he walked towards a third door, which I assumed to be his bedroom. He untied his cravat, letting it loosely dangle from his neck and opened his bedroom door. He flipped his shirt down and over his chiseled shoulders before closing the door behind him. I was sure my eyes deceived me, but a pair of wings could have folded from those lissome shoulder blades.

I took the moment of his absence to look around me. I laughed and rubbed my upper arms as a small and barely audible sneeze resounded from behind the closed door, followed by him irritatedly cursing.

The office must have been as large as the bottom floor of our house. High arched windows arose from both sides of the chimney, simply decorated with a large Scouting Legion banner and a couple of silver candlesticks. I assumed they were new, because they lacked drips. The couple bookshelves against the walls had less than a single speck of dust on them, which I found odd. Was he an avid reader? Even more odd was the state of the entire room. No spiderwebs rounded the corners, no dust could be seen, even among the streams of light that made their way past the velvet, rope-tied curtains. There were no traces of dirt at all aside from what I just tracked in. I suddenly felt real guilty. This place must have been completely spotless before he brought me here! I hastily took off my boots and placed them on the sheet beside me, assuming it was there to protect the couch from dirt anyways. I then got down on my hands and knees and began swiping up the mess into my hands when the door opened.

He stood there staring at me. His expression remained stern, but something else was alight in his eyes. All I could do was stare back until he spoke.

"If you go on like that, you're just going to make a bigger mess."

"Sorry, I picked up all the big pieces, though."

He sighed and held out a fistful of neatly folded clothing to me. "Take these and go."

"Alright..." I dumped the crumbs into the trashcan near the door, stood up, took the clothes, and turned back towards the door.

"What are you...? No, that's not what I meant!" He grabbed my collar, redirected me to the bathroom, and gave me a harsh push. "And try not to make a mess in there! Make full use of the tub and sink! There are towels if you need them!"

"Y-yes Sir!" I stuttered as I half hopped over to the bathroom and hastily shut myself in. The room was illuminated by the natural light of high noon. I began by removing my broken 3DMG harness. It had torn when I ripped off the gas and metal sheaths. Since it was leather, it could be easily wiped down. I grabbed a towel and threw it over the tub after I was done. After wringing out my clothes as best I could, I got to work drying out my hair. It was full of terrible knots and I was getting nowhere. I looked into the mirror to get a better look at what I was dealing with. I was not prepared. Forgetting that I weaved Cinnie's ribbon into my braid this morning, I had unknowingly created a matted mass of terror atop my head. I began dementedly pulling at the ribbon from various loops and angles, trying my damnest to find the magical spot where it would give and release the morass that became of my hair. It was no use. There I was, subject to the utter generosity of the Captain, the most respected soldier of all humanity, and stuck with this mortifying embarrassment. Should I ask him for a brush? A comb? A knife to slice it all off and end this misery? My head clouded again and I began to cough. There was a rap at the door.

"Vanteon! You dying in there?"

"No, Captain!" I muffled through coughs. "I'm fine!"

"Well, hurry up! And don't make a fucking mess in there!" His footsteps walked away.

I didn't want to risk overstaying my welcome. I fingered my hair as neatly as it would allow, completed drying off my body, and went to putting on the clothes he lent me. I slipped on the casual slacks rather easily, then slid on the grey button shirt.

Oh no.

Dear God no.

The chest wasn't wide enough.

I wished I could scream. I wished I could just jump out the window and escape the walls forever via the pure terror of ever having to be put in such a situation again.

The cloudiness returned.

Wait, that was my tears.

I had to pull myself together. I had to think. The worst thing I could do in this situation is try to force the buttons shut. I could just walk out nonchalantly. No. He was courteous enough to turn his head. The survival graces were over and done with. The modesty was now socially necessary. I could wear it backwards. Not likely.

What should I do...?

Be honest. I had to be honest.

I wrapped my upper body in a towel, gathered my things, my confidence, and strut out the door. Without pausing, I arranged my clothing neatly along the wire frame. He was seated in his armchair in front of the fire, scrubbing his... maybe they were my... boots. I folded the shirt into its original state and abruptly held it out to him, ducking my head under my arms.

"What, you're gonna be picky, you imbecile?" he asked harshly. I wasn't about to bend beneath his brashness. It's common talk among all the military ranks. He was just a little more... precise. I had nothing to be ashamed of. I was going to proudly request another shirt.

"It's too nice, Captain. I'd be more comfortable in something else." Did you hear that sound in my voice? It was pain and denial.

"Ah, seriously?" He sighed and took the shirt surprisingly gently. Perhaps if it wasn't his, he would have yanked it from my hands. "Fine. I'll grab you a tee shirt or something." He got up and left the room without questioning me any further.

I successfully lied!

"Think fast." He paused. "If you can."

He had returned in the same instant and threw a plain tee shirt at me. It fluttered through the air and I caught it in both hands. His back came into view as it landed.

"Go ahead. I'm not looking."

"Thank you for your courtesy, Captain."

Taking the click of his tongue as a 'you're welcome', I quickly dropped the towel and pulled the garment over my head. As I raised my arms, I was subsequently bathed in the delectable fragrance that was his scent. My very existence was being tested. He must have slept in this shirt. Why did he have to swing between such extremes?! This was too casual! This wasn’t the morning after a one-night stand...!

"How long does it take to put on a fucking tee shirt?" He complained. I was so entranced that I was still sitting there with his shirt over my face. I popped my head through the neckline and gave him the ok to turn around. There was a slight stretch in the material, but it fit comfortably. He sauntered back to his chair and resumed his articulate simonizing.

We sat there in silence for a while. More suitably, I stared at him while he worked. The firelight looked good against his concentrating expression. The long and flickering shadows exaggerated the soft contours of his face. Even his eyelashes stood out, for they fluttered magnificently with every bat that traced the brown leather. The eyes beneath them trailed studiously. The soft glow made his features look more delicate than usual. I bet he'd look wonderful in every light.

'All men are animals.'

Now of all times, my mother's speech from the other night ran through my head. Looking at the man before me, her words appeared to be an unfair juxtaposition. He was slight and gentle in the way he carefully worked, bent over in a chair that was arguably too big for him. Although verbally blunt, he was caring and considerate. He maintained a flawless living space. He came to my aid when no one else did. He offered me the use of his personal quarters and clothes.

“Umm… Captain?”

“What.”

“Do you…” I began as I scanned the titles tucked amongst the shelves, “Like to read?”

“Not enough time.”

“Oh…” I twiddled my thumbs nervously, then got up and reached for my boots. “In that case, you don’t have to do that.  We could just head out, have some tea, and I’ll return your things tomo-“

“Sit the fuck down.”

“Huh?” I froze in my kneel as his eyes caught me without the aid of his neck.

He really meant what he said.

“S-sorry…” I sighed timidly as I retreated a safe distance from him, tucking my knees into my arms.

He let out an audibly tense sigh, then began to speak:

 

Tyger! Tyger!

In the forests of the night

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

 

In what distant deeps or skies

Burnt the fire of thine eyes?

On what wings dare he aspire?

What the hand dare seize the fire?

 

I sat there in awe as he spoke.  His lips formed every deliberate word with purpose.  From where I was sitting, I was able to see every nuanced flick of his tongue stress the syllables and every subtle twitch of his larynx as his breaths pushed them out of his mouth.

Humanity’s Strongest was one to recite poetry…?

“I had time for something like that.” He said nonchalantly as he stuck his arm into my boot to give his scrubbing better leverage

“Wow…” I whispered.

He rose an eyebrow. “Wow?  I humor your stupid question and I get a ‘wow’?”

I widened my eyes and cleared my throat, “I-I didn’t mean anything weird! It’s just-“

“What?”

Was he taking offense…?

Oh shit.

My clumsy ass…

Recover.

“D-did you know…” I attempted, “There’s more to that poem…?”

He merely looked at me from beneath his hooded lids. I couldn't tell if it was meant to be a blank stare, a 'no shit' mockery, or even a dare.

As nervous as I was, I took the dare:

 

And what shoulder, & what art,

Could twist the sinews of thy heart?

And when thy heart began to beat,

What dread hand? & what dread feet?

 

What the hammer? what the chain,

In what furnace was thy brain?

What the anvil? what dread grasp

Dare its deadly terrors clasp!

 

When the stars threw down their spears

And water'd heaven with their tears:

Did he smile his work to see?

Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

 

Tyger Tyger burning bright,

In the forests of the night:

What immortal hand or eye,

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

 

He merely gave a small nod, then continued scrubbing. Looks like I passed.

'All men are animals.'

I don't think so...

What reason did I have to imaginatively argue on his behalf? I never persistently contested my mother's beliefs before. Why? Other people have treated me with kindness before. Leo even confessed his romantic feelings for me, but I felt nothing stirring aside from the guilt that I couldn't reciprocate.

“Alright, all done! Your boots are shit free!" He picked them both up from the drawstrings and plopped them beside me with a twin thud. "If you're gonna be grateful keep them that way."

"Thank you, Captain."

He dropped the handkerchief he was using upon his crossed knees and leaned back into his chair. His posture made me want to shake off my own stiffness and do the same. As I uncrossed my legs, I noticed a faint pattern on one of the corners of his handkerchief. It looked like a familiar cursive initial. I leaned closer to get a better look.

"What? Is there a bug on me or something?" He sat up from stretching out his arms and neck, "Don't you dare smash it against my pants."

"No Sir, but that cloth, can I see it?"

"It's covered in filth."

I took it anyways and looked at the corner. It was the doctor's trademark H, slightly faded in color, but nonetheless unmistakable.

"Where did you get this?" I asked him.

"Shit just fucking fell from the sky. I'm not kidding."

I stood up and walked behind his chair.

"What the hell are you doing?" I held the cloth over his head and let it drop. He quickly snatched it before it could make contact. "What the fuck Vanteon?!" He tilted his head up at me and scowled.

"I gave this to you when you came back from your stormy excursion, a year or so ago, Captain."

"That was you?" He stared at the cloth in his hands. "Well I'm keeping this. The material's a lot better than the asswipes I can usually get." I returned to my spot before him. He leaned towards me, "Where'd you get these?"

"These?"

"I have another one. The letter's a lot shittier than this one, but it's the same high thread count material."

I leaned towards him abruptly, almost headbutting him in the face, "Please show me!"

He jumped back, aghast from my sudden closeness, “Fine, jeez, needy brat."

He dropped the dirtied handkerchief upon his desk and fished through one of his the drawers. "Here." He said and dropped it upon my head. My eyes widened as I gazed upon the white cloth. I remembered the days I spent with a needle and thread, carefully tracing over the original H to make it into an elegant B, the first initial my brother and I shared. It was much less worn than the other. I shuddered.

"What is it." He questioned flatly, leaning his hip against his desk.

I resisted wiping my tears on the sleeve of his shirt and instead used my fist, "Did you know a soldier... named Beau Vanteon?"

"I did." He replied shortly.

"This was his... and he was my older brother..."

"Is that so... Sorry for your loss."

"Can you... tell me about him?"

"You never knew him?"

"I did, but..." I trailed off, not wanting to remember the day he left.

"He was about a year my senior, " he began, "The idiot was so happy-go-lucky it made me sick. That was my first impression of him. But his comrades respected him, myself included. He never left anyone behind until they were long dead, and made sure the fallen had a peaceful passage. That was his downfall. He died in place of another soldier."

My hands couldn't handle the tears. That sounded just like Beau. He had a remarkable bedside manner. He wasn't into medicine, but I strove to be like him nonetheless. I gave in and buried my face into my brother's last memory. The Captain remained where he was.

"I payed it forward and stayed by his side as he passed. He wasn't afraid. He didn't bargain. He didn't even ask anything of me. He just told me about a certain little sister he was honored to die for."

I keeled over and wept. Years of repression, restraint, and agony rushed forth from my eyes and lungs in that single moment. I didn't know how long it lasted.

 

* * *

 

Once I finally calmed down, I wiped my face and sat up. The Captain, having merely shifted his weight met me with a sympathetically nuanced expression, "Never had the chance to mourn him, huh?"

"No..."

"Well, he was a good soldier. I promised to carry on his will, and the others I accompanied as they passed."

"How does it feel... to be right there beside them as they... Captain?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he firmly pressed his hands along various places along the clothes on the iron rack, "They're more or less ready. Let's get ready to go. Your mother should be expecting us." He swiftly folded his items into one arm and turned away. As I picked up my own things, I recalled the broken string.

"Um, Captain Levi?"

"What."

"Do you... happen to have... a spare..." Oh no.

"Fuck to give? No I'm fresh out."

I snorted. "No, Captain, I meant corset string!"

He wrinkled his nose and his eye slightly twitched. "Do I look like some pervert who would have shit like that?!"

I couldn't help but laugh again, "I don't know, Captain. You do look like someone who likes to keep a slim figure."

His expression darkened.

Oh crap.

He started walking towards me with his fists clenched.

Holy fucking crap! Did I go too far?

"You know what?" He grabbed a fistful of my hair and brought my face to his. "You'd better watch your fucking mouth, Kitten."

I smiled widely. I wasn't sure why. His face was terrifying. "Yes Sir!"

"Tch." He looked at my head, "Why don't you use this?" He pulled out the horrendously tangled ribbon in one fell swipe and held it out to me, the bright red fabric hanging from his slender fingers. I felt my face light up.

"You're amazing, Captain! I couldn't even come close to getting this out!"

"I'm not a fucking miracle worker. Now hurry your ass up!" He stood back up and flung open his bedroom door, "And keep that snot rag!" The door slammed.

"Thank you, Captain!"

"That's not the sound of you dressing!"

 

* * *

 

The ribbon was a little short, but I was able to make it look inconspicuous enough. Afterwards, the Captain walked us back to the stables.

"We're taking my horse. " He stated as he flipped a padlock and led out a beautiful raven Arabian breed. I've read that those horses were most prized for their endurance and level head for use in combat. The beautiful horse encompassed the Captain's relatively small form and made me giggle.

"What's with the face?"

"His head's... nearly half yo-" I caught myself, "... my size..." He merely wrinkled a brow. I brought my hands to my face excitedly, "Can I pet him? Please?"

"It's a her. And yeah, you're gonna have to before you get on. But don't spook her or else we're gonna lose our ride."

"Ok!" I cautiously walked up to the mare and held out my hand.

"What's her name?"

"Anneliese "

"Anneliese, Anneliese, Anneliese. That's pretty..." She snorted and stared at me. I flinched as the tiny shower of vapor sprinkled upon my hand.

"What is it now?" He grunted. "Let's move this along." He led the horse into my hand. The soft muzzle collided into my sweaty palm, making me jump a little.

"What? Never touched a horse before?"

"No, Sir."

"Well, isn't today full of learning experiences for you." He handed me the reins. "Hold this."

"Huh? Wait! What if she-"

"Just a goddamn minute!" He scolded as he disappeared back into the shed.

"... Hi, Anneliese..." I said to his horse, "Does he ever yell at you?"

"Stop talking to my fucking horse." He remerged with a saddle tucked under one arm and a step beneath the other. After skillfully saddling up his horse, he put one foot on the step and laced his fingers together. "Up you go." I flinched.

"Me first?"

"You're the one who's never touched a horse before. Now step up, grab the pommel, and I'll lift you over."

I gulped and stiffly walked over to him.

"Relax."

"Yes, Sir!" I lightly stepped into his hands and swung my leg over with the help of his lift.

"Now help me up." He ordered, holding out his hand.

"Ok..." I tightened my grip on the pommel and took his hand. It seemed to fit perfectly into mine as he weightlessly lifted himself up and landed lightly behind me.

"Not bad," he commented as he took the reins, his muscular arms brushing ever so slightly against my shoulders. His lush voice adjacent to my ear caused goosebumps to erupt and traverse my skin. "Now hang on and keep your legs taut. You're not gonna fall."

I just might.

"Wait, I don't know how to get home from out here!" I realized.

"I know the address. It won't take long." He replied as he led the horse around the stable.

"Err... how do you know where I live?" I questioned in surprise.

"People get talkative when you kick them around once or twice. Once for your squad leader."

Oh no. Poor Gustav.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :)
> 
> This chapter was inspired in part by one of the visual novels, which you can find here: http://www.bilibili.com/video/av889543/  
> At about the 30 minute mark, Levi's VA recites the first two stanzas of the poem, "The Tyger", by William Blake.


	8. A Concrete Crib

I felt dizzy for the entire ride, not from the earlier rain, but from being so close to him. I could feel his biceps loosen and contract again with every gait.

'All men are animals.'

We stopped before my house and he slid off first.

"Here," He commanded, holding his hands out to catch me, "You get off the same way you got on."

I nodded and did as he instructed. His hands clasped around my waist as I slid down, causing me to jump and hang on to the saddle.

"You can let go now, idiot!"

"Aye-aye!" I cringed and slid down into his arms, keeping my face towards the horse. He paid no mind to me and tied the reins to the fence.

"Fuck, Vanteon, what are you scared to meet your mom? C'mon already! I want tea."

"S-sorry!" I reclaimed my neutral complexion as best I could and ran up the steps without looking at him. I knocked our secret pattern and my mother opened the door wearing the biggest smile I've ever seen on her.

"Bel-baby!" She squealed as she suffocated my head. She had altered her favorite skirt by removing all the top ruffles and leaving the bottom one. She also let the gathers loose, making the skirt elegant and beautiful.

"Oh hello! This young man must be the Captain!" She reached behind me to shake his hand.

"Levi." He said bluntly.

"Ooo you don't waste words!" She gushed. I could imagine his face from the sharp click of his tongue. I slapped her roughly on the back, hoping she had better get the hint. As she stepped aside to let him through, she wildly shook her hand behind his back and mouthed me an exaggerated 'wow'. I rolled my eyes.

"Well! The tea's gonna be extra rich, so come on in! And please watch the buckets!" She said gleefully. She stepped around a bucket near the entrance and the Captain and I followed suit. When she entered the kitchen, I mouthed 'I'm sorry' to him, but he didn't react.

"You can sit wherever you want, Captain, I'll help her out." I told him as I motioned towards our living room.

I stomped into the kitchen and took our nicer tea set from the cabinet. "What the hell was that?!" I scolded. She was unaffected by my glare.

"I couldn't help it! He's so cute! And he's got that sexy smolder going on! I could carry him around in my pocket!"

"Shh! He has the hearing of a wildcat, Mother!"

"I don't know about his hair, though. Is that what boys do nowadays? I remember when your brother wanted to go for that military undercut, but when he saw that razor he went running! That boy!"

I withheld my scolding. She was going to do whatever she wanted. All I could do was hope for this visit to go as short as possible, reclaim my notebook, and have us go our separate ways, in our separate branches, and that would be the end of it.

I picked up the tray and my mother followed behind with another full of scones, courtesy of Luciano's. When we entered the room, he was sitting cross-legged in the armchair and his mouth was full. On the table next to him were my truffles. That fucking bastard. I glared as menacingly as I could as I placed the tray on the table and poured his tea without breaking eye contact.

"Captain." I said monotonously as I handed him his cup. He swallowed.

"Private." He replied without as much as wrinkling a brow or twitching an eye.

"I see you found the goods, Captain Levi!" My mother chirped. She'd better not. "Please help yourself!" She did. "They were a gift from Bel's boyfriend!" I fell defeatedly into the opposing armchair.

"Really." He stated unamusedly as he reached for another truffle, "So you're one to date a filthy capital swine?"

My mother blinked at his sudden change of manner. I decided to play along with him.

"Well, if I can't manage to move up the ranks, I can marry into the Capitol."

He made a face of disgust, placed his fingers around the rim, and took a sip of tea. As he swallowed, though, his eyes seemed to brighten. My mother stared and raised her eyebrow, to which I gave her a gentle nudge.

"You have good taste in leaves, Mrs. Vanteon, unlike your daughter's taste in people." He complimented before taking a larger gulp.

"My my, is that an inside joke between you two?" She asked.

"Not at all, Mrs. Vanteon." He retorted. I flipped him off behind my crossed knee, but he left no sign of noticing.

"It's just Ms." I explained.

"Oh." He said and gulped down the rest of his tea, "Apologies, Ms. Vanteon."

"It's fine, Captain." She said as she got up to refill his cup. We sat in silence for a while, listening to the hollow sound of water drops into the wooden buckets. He noticed a small pool forming in the corner of the windowsill and kindly shoved a handkerchief into it. I'll accept that as payment for one truffle.

One truffle only.

"Oh," I remembered, pulling my brother's handkerchief from my pocket, "Mom, he knew Beau."

She put the kettle down and looked towards me. "Yeah," she said as she took it from me, "That's his, alright."

"Careful, I cried in it." I warned.

"And blew her snot on it." He added.

"No I didn't!"

"May as well have."

"Thank you, Captain..." she said, "I'm glad my little boy had the honor of serving alongside a soldier like you..."

There was a sound of a carriage and multiple horses outside. He sighed, finished his tea, and stood up, "Come outside, both of you."

"Sir?" My mother asked with a tilt of her head.

"I organized a sightseeing trip through Wall Rose."

I stared at him aghast, "Seriously?"

My mother was already up and putting everything away. "You heard the man! Let's go!" She squealed excitedly and ran back and forth across the house, getting ready for her trip.

I peeked out the window. There was indeed a carriage outside. It was being driven by a girl with pale ginger hair in the Scouting uniform.

"You know, Ms. Vanteon, the city's easier to see in daylight." He complained sarcastically.

"Ok! I'm ready!" She practically ran out the door, wearing what she considered to be her classiest outfil.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked him.

"Who knows." He replied vaguely. He reached for another chocolate and relentlessly ate it. I grunted and left him behind. When he finally emerged, he was holding a handful of the truffles in a handkerchief. Never before in my life have I ever wanted to murder a human being in cold blood. I slammed and locked the door.

"Thanks, Petra." Levi said as he handed the makeshift goody bag to the girl.

Oh.

OH.

"Whoa, thanks Levi!" She beamed and graciously took what must have been the last of my chocolates. I must have had only one or two. Damn that man! I'll at least give him credit for sharing, but he was still nonetheless a big bag of dicks...

Wait.

She had addressed the Captain solely by his first name. My throat tightened.

"Take your time, Ms. Vanteon." He said as he opened the carriage door for her, to which she threw herself into. The carriage shook with her forcefulness. He stared at me. "Well?"

I pulled myself in without his help.

 

* * *

 

My mother had her head out the window throughout the entire ride and paid no attention to my warnings or efforts to pull her back in. You could see just as well from the windows, in my opinion. I sat near the opposite window across from the Captain.

"You don't seem impressed." He commented, "It's obvious your mother's never been out here. Have you?"

"Neither do you." I argued, "And no, we've never made it this far. I have looked over the wall, though."

"Like the view?"

"I like looking over the frontier better."

"Well..." I felt his eyes contemplating me as I looked out the window with my jaw in my hand. "Not bad..."

"Oh my goodness! Look Bel! Those arches are magnificent!"

"Bel-baby! When I grow up, I want you to buy me a house like that!"

"Did you see that clothing store? I want one of everything!"

She went on and on. Not once did she sit down inside the carriage. The Captain finally spoke.

"She's obviously excited by everything she sees." He uncrossed his legs and leaned forward. The regular bumping of the carriage played with his bangs. "What do you see?" He asked.

"I see spoiled people living in an infantile world bordered by a concrete crib."

"I didn't ask for a shitty poem." He retorted.

"Keh."

"So you understand now."

"Pardon?"

"What I told you when I confiscated this." I saw from the corner of my eye that he pulled my notebook from his jacket. My eyes remained fixed upon the world before me.

"I always understood. But as you can see, I love my mother. Humanity can wait."

"Is that so." He replied. There may have been a tinge of disappointment in his flat tones.

I sighed, watching the warm watercolor pigments of the day morph behind the upscale rooftops. The clouds themselves seemed to want to retreat behind the Capitol walls of Sina.

The carriage came to an abrupt stop.

"We're here! Suit up, Levi!" The girl named Petra suddenly poked her head beside the window and caused me to yelp.

"What are we doing?" I asked him.

"Climbing the wall." He replied as he opened the door and jumped out.

"Ooh! I've always wanted to see how you soldiers do that flying thingy!" My mother ran out the door and almost tripped.

We were parked right alongside Wall Sina, which had casted an immense shadow across the town. Petra was already wearing her 3D Maneuver Gear and the Captain had disappeared behind the carriage to assumingly pull his out of the storage trunk.

"I'm sorry for not introducing myself earlier! Levi wanted to get here before sunset!" Again with his first name. "I'm Petra Ral! I'm part of Levi's Special Operations Squad!" If my heart could move, it would have dropped to the floor and writhed in debilitating jealousy.

"Oh, congratulations! I'm Bel Vanteon, a Private Garrison soldier, and that's..." I looked over to my mother, who was pestering the Captain to tell her about the maneuver gear. "... my mother, Risa Vanteon."

She shook my hand vigorously. "Congratulations to you, too! You survived being eaten by a titan!"

"That's gone out to other branches already?"

"Yup! Levi couldn't help but-!"

"Vanteon!" He called out to me. I ran to him and Petra followed close behind. "I didn't count on you trashing your gear, so you'll ride with Petra."

"Oh no, it's ok, reall-"

"Whoohoo!" My polite decline was interrupted by my mother's excited screams as the Captain scooped her up over his shoulder and rappelled up the wall. I had to run halfway across the lot to catch her hat.

"Are you sure you don't want to see your mother's face when she looks over the wall?" Petra asked. I surrendered and let her carry me up the wall.

 

* * *

 

As we arrived, a refreshing wind kicked up and the sun dipped behind the wall, illuminating the vast lands majestically. My mother screamed and jumped for joy.

"Ms. Vanteon! Please be careful!" Petra warned as she ran after her wildly dancing form. A few soldiers could be seen, but they paid no heed to us. I walked over to Levi.

"She reminds me of that idiot Hange." He groaned with the slightest tinge of affection as he watched my mother gambol about the wall. I giggled and looked over the interior of Wall Sina.

My smile gradually vanished.

"It's so unfair... these vast lands and huge houses. More people could live safely here." I remarked.

He crossed his arms and sighed, "I know, but some people dream of this. Even I used to."

I glanced over at his face, which was warmly lit by the setting sun, and looked back at my mother, "I don't blame you."

 

* * *

 

My mother fell asleep upon my lap a few blocks away from Wall Sina. Her quiet snoring harmonized with the bumping sounds of the wooden spoked wheels over the polished cobblestone pavement.

"Captain." I started.

"What, brat?"

"May I have my journal back?"

He clicked his tongue and reluctantly handed it to me. I roughly scanned the contents to ensure no pages were missing.

"Thank you, Captain."

 

* * *

 

We finally passed Wall Maria. The twilight hues of the descending sun cast a fading light across the rugged streets of Trost. Garrison soldiers began lighting the curb torches. My mother was still fast asleep, so the Captain helped me carry her up into the loft. When we got back down, I placed the tea back on the stove to heat it up.

"More tea, Captain? I can walk some out to Petra too-" I asked softly as not to wake my energetically exhausted mother.

"The Scout issued cloak in the bedroom," I tensed up as he spoke, "Stealing military property is treason."

"I'm sorry!" I whispered in a panic, "There was an incident on my graduation day! I got a huge gash across my shoulder in the supply room and that was the only thing not covered in crap! I didn't notice until long after! Not even the doctor who treated me noticed!"

"Shut up!" He growled. I clamped my mouth shut and stared at him with pleading eyes. "You're a full blown fucking criminal, aren't you?" I stayed silent. Aside from mumbling under his breath he gave no sign of persecuting me. I poured him a new cup of tea.

"Petra and I are heading back." He announced as he reached for the door.

"Oh," I said, retracting the cup and putting it back on the counter. He opened the door to leave. "Wait, Captain!" I called out.

"What now, you goddamn felon?"

I stood at attention and saluted him, "Thank you so much for everything, Captain L... Levi."

He turned his head away, "It was nothing," and left. As the door shut, I fumbled up the ladder and grabbed the cloak I left hanging over our vanity chair. Hidden beneath the seam where the neck met the hood were the initials, skillfully embroidered, L.A.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :)


	9. Bittersweet Tradition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one's pretty much a crack chapter, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

My duties went back to normal. There were no more titan attacks, no unrest aside from the occasional banter from the refugees, and no sign of severe activity. Leo slowly reverted back to his usual self, and the group treated me no different. I decided against telling them about the day of the storm and gave Gabriel the excuse that my mother caught a cold to explain why I never showed up at the cafe.

I had excessive time to think about the Captain. I hadn't seen or heard of him anywhere since his last visit. I didn't even understand why I was deliberating the matter. After reclaiming my notebook and parting ways, I was back on track with my goals with no rude, brash, foul-mouthed, chocolate stealing, raven haired, cravat-wearing, side spinning, cross-legged, Scout Captain in my way, though I respected him in the places it was due and was grateful he saved my life. Arguably twice.

My heart felt as if it couldn't sigh quite loudly enough..

 

* * *

 

It hadn't yet occurred to me that being part of a group of friends for the first time in my life was going to make things much more interesting.

"Bel! You should totally do this!" Leo said excitedly as he held up a flier of some sort to my face, which I immediately swatted away.

"Don't shove things in my face." I stated curtly. It was a peeve of mine. Thankfully, he took notice and gently underhanded me the flier. "I'm flattered, but absolutely not," I stated and immediately handed it back to him, "And if you show this to my mother, I'll drag you across town by your hair, climb the wall, and feed you to a titan."

It was for an informal Garrison tradition. I have heard some of the soldiers in my unit talking about it, but I found it revolting.

It was the Miss Garrison Beauty Pageant. Some argued military promotion and others argued funding opportunity, but all I saw was the objectification of women. Where I came from, women dressed down to avoid potentially dangerous attention. Rape was so common that many women dressed as men and refrained from speaking as much as possible in attempts to protect themselves from the subterranean predators. The only women who broadcasted themselves were prostitutes, who were arguably the upper class of the hell hole. They made an awful lot of money, and the most sucessful had the nicest clothes by far. Since my mother did so much business with them, as their go-to laundry service, we kind of scored in that regard. Nonetheless, I was never allowed to leave the house because of that unless I was covered up from head to toe in boy's clothing, an overcoat, and accompanied by the doctor and his burly assistant.

"But you'd be so good at it! I bet you'd win!" he persisted.

"And I bet you're not gonna wake up in the morning after I castrate you in your sleep." I threatened.

"Yikes." He joked, taking a seat beside me as I drank from my flask. "Can I have some?"

"You're too young." I said.

"And you're not?"

Crap. "It's water, I swear." I replied as my recovery.

"Say it ain't so!" said Rolo, whom had creeped up behind us and easily reached over my head to claim the flask. He poured some into his mouth and frowned.

"What did I say." I stated with a chuckle and held out my hand to him.

"Buzzkill..." he said as he sat next to me. Cinnie and CJ followed after him.

"Did Leo get you to do it?" CJ asked, gently nudging me with the outside of her knee.

"No. I failed." Leo replied with an exaggerated pout.

"Why are you all trying to put me up to this? What's the big deal?" I complained to the group.

"Because you're beautiful!" Cinnie blurted.

"Yeah, you have a nice ra-" Rolo was cut off by a swift kick from Leo. I lurched backwards to avoid it.

"Thanks for the awkward praise, you two, but no, and that's my final answer." I looked around our group, "Where's Gabriel?"

"Read the fine print, Bel."

I swiped the flier back from Leo and scanned the bottom of the page, where the peripeteia awaited me.

"Take over our posts today and don't even think about coming over afterwards." I ordered as I got up and placed the flier atop Leo's head. Cinnie and CJ exchanged victorious glances.

"Wait, don't you need this?" He said as the flier drifted before his face.

"I can't be bringing that type of evidence home!" I remarked.

"Wait, our?" Rolo questioned with an emphasis on the last word.

"Yup." I said as I hooked arms with my two best girlfriends. Leo blinked.

"Thanks for covering for us, guys!" Cinnie chirped as the three of us started to walk away.

"Have fun taking up triple duty!" CJ teased.

Rolo's head snapped back at Leo with a glare, who shrugged sheepishly and chuckled nervously. I couldn't hear their following exchange, as Cinnie and CJ immediately began talking my ear off with dress, speech, and talent ideas as we turned the corner into the nearest town square.

"You should talk about science! Ooh! And draw your baby titans!" Cinnie squealed as we browsed rows upon rows of various rolls of fabric.

"That's a surefire way to get me assassinated." I joked softly. "I'll definitely take you up on those baby titan drawings, though."

"Ooh yay!" She exclaimed jumping up and down, rippling waves through the bolt of fabric she was holding.

"Hey you know what would be real cool?" CJ began as she inspected some ribbons, "If you picked someone from the audience or a judge or something and based your drawing off of them."

"Ah... I don't know if I can handle doing something like that." I answered dejectedly as I calculated the amount of fabric I would have to buy in my notebook.

"Of course you can!" CJ encouraged, measuring out an elegant ribbon against my waist, "If you start feeling too embarrassed, just imagine them in their underwear!"

"But what if one of them's hot?!" Cinnie blurted out frantically. We all cringed in laughter and I had to pick up my pencil.

"Yeah, that would fuck me up so bad!" I accidentally snorted.

"Who knows? Maybe it'll turn out in your favor!" CJ giggled.

"How on earth would freaking out help me win?" I asked between giggles.

"Oh no, you'd definitely lose." CJ affirmed with a chuckle, "But you might get yourself a rich Sina noble!"

"Are the judges always nobles?"

"Who else would have the time and energy to sponsor something as fun as this?" Cinnie contributed gleefully.

"Right, then I'll get y'all secret passes into the hoity-toity Wall Sina cafes and we'll make it a tradition to go and act rich and obnoxious once a month." I joked.

"Only you won't be acting." CJ countered, "You'll be a legit rich bitch."

"You can call me Queen Bee!" I said snobbily as I playfully elbowed her.

"Will we be able to borrow your fancy dresses?!" Cinnie requested through her huge doe-like eyes.

"You'll be able to keep my fancy dresses." I stated humbly.

 

* * *

 

The day of the show finally came, and I had never seen so much excitement, or booze, in a single place. The rich and lively atmosphere of our usually quiet headquarters made the occasionally busy Luciano's Cafe seem like a retirement home.

"You're up!" Cinnie said excitedly as she pushed me forward.

"Yeah! Knock 'em dead, Bel!" Encouraged CJ as she gave me an equally off putting shove.

The things I'd do for the grand prize...

"B-bel Vanteon." I said to the receptionist, suddenly sweaty and clammy hands clenching tightly onto my cloak.

"You ain't goin' nowhere with that half assed attitude, girl." The man replied as he wrote down my name and flipped the paper around for me to sign. "This your first time?"

"Umm, yeah..." I answered nervously as I scribbled my initials.

"Well don't worry, Doll, ya gorgeous." He complimented as he handed me my number.

"Th-thank you!" I answered abruptly as I took the number and skittered to the corresponding spot behind the stage like a frightened rabbit.

I gently fanned myself with my number as I stood in line. The nervous sweat I was breaking must have gotten to the make-up job Cinnie had so painstakingly done for me earlier that morning. Since the contestants around me were preoccupied with practicing their lines, I decided against making some reassuring small talk to calm myself and instead hummed softly as we slowly moved along.

"And next, we have the charming Bel Vanteon!" The announcer's voice boomed above the roaring crowd.

I gulped, checked my reflection, took a deep breath, then confidently walked up the curtained stairs.

The magnitude of exposure hit me with its full strength when the audience finally came into view. It was a good thing that my legs were initially covered by the length of my cloak as I walked down the first length of the catwalk, because they must have wobbled horribly. My shoulders slightly hunched as I reached the end, removed my cloak, then pivoted into a pose before walking back and turning to the moderating Master of Ceremony. I caught a glimpse of my mother, whom was sitting in the front row with an even bigger smile than the one she wore when I fought for my graduate ranking.

I felt relieved by her presence. Although withheld my entering as a surprise, I could count on her to be there. She loved these things. As much as I loved the idea of free food for a month, I did it for her, too.

"Bel Vanteon, everybody!" The man announced as he reached out his hand and helped me up the platform. "Where are you from and what branch do you serve, Sweetheart?"

I faced the audience with a proud salute. "I'm from Shiganshina District, and am currently serving as a Private within the Southern Trost Brigade!" A hush fell over the audience as I revealed my refugee status.

"Shiganshina District." The man repeated respectfully, "What a beautiful flower to have bloomed from such tragedy!" He held my hand straight up into the air, something he hadn't done for the other contestants, "A hand for the Belle of Shiganshina!" The crowd cheered in a motivational uproar and I was dismissed from the stage.

 

* * *

 

The day flew by in an adrenaline-fused blur as I surprisingly qualified each passing round. I quickly sketched a judge as a titan for the talent round, and based my speech on the importance of medical factions within the military branches. My efforts landed me in the top three, and I was reunited with my team to plan themes for the modeling round. My mother had snuck backstage and squeezed the life out of me as she bawled her eyes out. The three of them decided on a Mother Earth theme, characterizing the give and take attitudes of being both a healer and soldier. The painting took hours, but I was aghast as I was shown the final product. I didn't recognize myself. It was hard to believe that the beautiful woman represented in oil on canvas was inspired by me.

The winner was to be decided by an auction, and the proceeds of the bidding was to go to funding the military. I felt too tired to even try following the speed at which the Master of Ceremony called out bids, but couldn't help but lean forward from my seat in the audience when my painting far outbid the contestant prior to me.

"Holy shit! You're making bank!" CJ exclaimed as the bids began to top what would be the cost of a few month's decent rent.

"That's pretty fucking cool!" My mother squealed as she threatened the blood flow into my arm. She was beginning to require extra attention, because she had helped herself to the riesling samples one of the mobile businesses offered. Leo was supporting her on her other side.

"You did awesome, Bel! I knew you would!" He complimented. I mouthed him a 'Thank you,' having already exhausted most of my voice for the day.

My painting had set an alarmingly high bar, and the people around us were already designating me as the winner as the last painting was being carried up the stage.

They has spoken too soon, as a series of gasps erupted from the crows as the last painting was revealed.

The bids passed so quickly, Cinnie, CJ, and I didn't notice the huge grins forming on Leo's and Rolo's faces.

"And the winner of Year 850's Miss Garrison Pageant is, Miss Gabriella Luciano! Private of the Southern Trost Brigade, hailing from Trost District!" The crowd was uproarious with a plethora of both cheers and confusion as the winner took the stage to receive a sash and oversized bouquet of roses.

I had lost to Gabriel in drag, and Rolo and Leo thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world. I prepared myself to never live it down for the rest of my life.

"What? You thought you were the only team from the Southern Brigade pitching into this freakshow?!" Rolo boasted proudly. Gabriel stood beside him, rocking his dress and heeled boots even more proudly. The four of them argued back and forth about the true winner of the contest as Gabriel and I shook hands on a competition well played.

"Wait," I paused the feud for a moment, "So the six of us skipped out on work with no replacements and got away with it?" I questioned, still on a high of the stress and anticipation from the day.

"Yup!" Leo replied proudly, still pumping his fist into the air as if he were a high tech automatic piece of sophisticated military equipment.

"Wow. The South's lucky to have us!" I replied sarcastically with a laugh as we all walked off together to the cafe we called our second home for a victory dinner on the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :) You can also find some art/extras there!


	10. The Epitaph of Dog Days

"Get wrecked, Noob!" Rolo taunted as his junior received a puff of blackened gunpowder to the face. With the excitement of the pageant long over, the busiest time of year was quickly upon us.

"Rolo! Go easy on them!" Cinnie whined from behind him.

We were teaching the fresh graduates how to care for the wall. CJ was fawning over Jean, Rolo was giving his group a hard time as Cinnie endeavored to convince him to do otherwise, Gabriel was eating, and Leo and I were showing a few cadets how to move the cannons, and covered for a cadet who rushed out of the Officer's quarters with a cut of meat tucked into her jacket. The cadets deserved it just as much as they, we decided. They had completed their disbanding ceremony just yesterday and were faced with the choice of choosing a branch. My thoughts turned to the little blonde boy who had his heart set on the Scouts. I hoped he had changed his mind by now, as well as those of his friends...

 

* * *

 

I absorbed the atmosphere around me. I could live like this: doing small maintenance tasks, instructing those that come after me, patrol, serve the citizens, spend my free time between studying and my friends, and pass the time looking over the town when things are going too slowly.

I could be content like this...

The winds suddenly died down, as if turned off by a simple pull of a lever. I glanced towards the group of graduates working over the gate. The air was too still. Something caused the hairs behind my neck to stiffen.

"Leo." I said gravely. He got up and followed my line of sight.

"That's weird... I feel it too-"

There was a green flash. It couldn't have been the dusk or twilight phenomena, because it was almost noon. Rather, it was a colossal flash of lightning with a base erupting in steam. My eyes widened in shock. I could almost feel their corners disappear at the sight.

"Cadets! Run!" I ordered as I shooed the newbies away, drew my blades, and ran towards the aid of the cadets closest to the blast. They'd all flown off the edge...! Who was watching them?!

"Bel! Wait!" Leo screamed after me. An explosion sounded. Wall debris flew. A beacon of light streamed parallel to the ground at the base of the gate.

No...

I kept running.

What should I do...?

The front should be my first priority! There are children there!

I launched my gear towards a nearby station to go faster. Not enough! I jumped over the wall and caught a glimpse of the massive titan. Steam shot from nearly every crevice between its skinless muscle fibers. I examined the rest of him. He was anatomically identical to a human! I could put him down! As I accelerated my gas input, I could barely make out a boy running along its arm.

A cadet?!

I had to help him!

Then the titan vanished.

What?

I remounted the wall and to my relief, another soldier had already sent the cadets away. It looked like no one fell. Thank goodness.

"Vanteon!" He shouted to me as I ran towards the damage. There was a distinct handprint embedded in the structure where the titan's hand was resting.

"Sir!" I answered.

"Where's your squad?!"

"Behind me, Sir! What of the 4th Cannon Maintenance Squad?!"

"Sent back to HQ!" Thank goodness. "Take the wall cannons! We're launching a counterattack! Don't let a single titan through!"

"Aye! Sir!" I affirmed as he jumped the ledge. My comrades landed behind me.

"Fucking shit!" Gabriel yelled as he looked over the ledge.

"They're coming!" shrieked Cinnie.

"We have orders!" I commanded, "Roll the nearest cannons back into position! We are not to let them pass!" The four of them stared at me blankly.

"You heard her!" Leo yelled at them as a second. Their eyes hollowed, took a second take at the forsaking scene below, and scrambled to work. We were shortly joined by others as we frantically lowered nets and shielded our ears from the consecutive explosions of cannonfire. My eyes kept flickering towards my comrades, as fireteam after fireteam were being deployed, effectless as the masses of gunpowder-propelled alloys themselves.

My team was next. I was glad Gustav was off with Commander Pixes in Mithras at the moment.

"It's no use! They've already breached!" CJ curdled no more than seconds later as the massive ropes fell by our flanks.

"Fall back and regroup!" an officer commanded.

"I'm going after Jean!" CJ yelled as she took another direction. We nodded and the rest of us followed our officers, some running along the wall and others taking the beeline through the city. Cowards. We have no time! I took to the city and glanced behind my shoulder to see a mix of titans and my friends behind me.

"Gabriel! Look out!" I looped around a bell tower and slammed him out of the trajectory of a leaping titan. We landed hard on a rooftop. Shingles flew off the roof like a dealing deck of cards.

"An abnormal! Don't engage! We need a plan!" Leo commanded.

"Ugh..." I moaned, flipping myself off his stomach. There was something mathematically sabotaged somewhere in my immediate world. I was encountering abnormal titans way too often.

I opened my eyes to the scene before me. Buildings everywhere were splattered with blood, reminding me how privileged children would round the block and defile buildings with raw eggs. I hoped even those runts were safe.

"Shit Bel! I owe you!" Gabriel said thankfully. He got up and offered me his hand.

"Ngh..." I grunted. My knee felt out of place.

"Bel! You ok?" Leo yelled as he joined us on the rooftop. Rolo and Cinnie followed suit.

"I'm fine!" Indeed luckily I was. I shifted my knee back into place with a jolt and stood up, "Go!"

"Are you serious?!"

"I'll feel it tomorrow if I'm lucky! Now go! Hurry!"

We made it to headquarters and were quickly turned around to join the advanced guard.

"Wait! Vanteon! Vicente!" The officer commanded before we could take off, "Rear guard!"

"But Officer! The front's been-!"

"Yes Sir!" Leo affirmed before I could protest.

"What are you-"

"Go!" Leo shouted angrily and shoved me forward. That was unlike him. We gave Rolo and Cinnie a solemn nod before they departed.

 

* * *

 

We took to the rooftops and passed by another officer ordering the cadets to the middle guard. Even from our elevation, their terror was clear as peaceful morning dew, long lost to the terror that was upon us.

"What are they thinking?! They're just babies! They should retreat and let the senior soldiers handle this!" I contested. Leo raised his hand to his forehead to salute to CJ below. She saw us and returned the gesture.

"They're soldiers now! We'll need everybody!" Leo shouted. He sounded nothing like himself. "You should know how bad this is gonna get!"

He was right.

I diverted my eyes from them as they deployed. Clouds began to make their return to the city of Trost, now being run by titans and crushing futilely fighting lives.

 

* * *

 

Citizens rushed the streets as the rear guard directed them towards the gate. Leo and I assisted the families through the panic. I scanned every passing face, but saw no sign of my mother. I trusted myself to the idea that she was ok. She knew survival in the streets better than any Military Police Soldier, I fiercely believed. The screams of citizens running for their lives and searching for their loved ones saturated the rapidly cooling air. Another storm was coming. Steam arose in the distance as the rain began to fall again. How impeccable. At least the signs of steam could mean the deaths of titans. The gates could close soon.

"Let's check for stragglers!" I said to Leo, who nodded and followed me to the rooftop, "Take the west side!"

"No! We can't split up!" He argued.

"There are plenty of us still around! We need to wrap this up as soon as possible!"

"Then don't do anything stupid!" He shot me an angry expression before turning his back on me.

 

* * *

 

I sailed through the streets, only finding the mutilated bodies of both civilians and soldiers alike. Most were cadets. My heart started breaking.

A body moved in the corner of my eye. I whipped around a bell tower and landed in a desolate street, where the figure of a familiar blonde cadet came into view.

What was he doing there? He had to escape! The ground was dangerous!

"Cadet!" I called out to him as I ran, "Join the retreat! I'll cover fo-"

My stomach turned when the horrid sight he was frozen upon finally came into view. A young girl was delusively trying to breathe life into a half-eaten corpse.

"She..." The boy said shakily, "Won't leave him... Hannah... they're..." He was sullen and terrified. His body shook, adding tremor to the words that barely came from his mouth. His eyes were wide and red with agony, like blood staining the peace of a translucent pond...

I laid a gentle hand upon his shoulder. "I'll take care of this. You find your friends and make sure you get out of here, ok? What's your name, Cadet?"

"A... Armin."

"Armin," I repeated, "I'm gonna check on you first thing this is over, ok? You'd better be around." He nodded faintly.

A crash rumbled the pavement. It must have come from the parallel street.

"Quickly now, go on!" I urged, giving him a soft push towards the gate, "Stay safe!"

I made sure he was out of sight before kneeling before the girl.

"Please! Help me!" She pleaded through tear-ridden eyes as she pumped her arms up and down upon the young man's chest, "Franz! Franz...! Wake up!"

I gently rested a hand upon her bloodied fingers, "Hannah... He won't be able to come back. We need to get you to safety no-"

"I'm not leaving without him!"

"Hannah, please! Open your eyes! Half of his body is gone and he's not breathing!"

"I... can't...!" She wailed through crusty tears as she bent down to give him another fruitless kiss of life upon his dead lips.

"Yes, you can!" I shouted back as I rose her hands from the body, "He gave his life for you! It's the ultimate expression of love! Don’t deny him his final wish for you to live on!"

I discerned they were a couple. I could see it in her eyes. The dead eyes of a dead soul about to lose its light, the kind that windowed a broken heart.

But I couldn't let that happen to her. She was too young. There was so much more beauty for her to experience.

Her eyes glazed through me. Empty and suffering, but not bottomless.

With a solemn nod and a small bowed head of thanks, she followed my direction towards the gates.

One more life saved.

 

* * *

 

The bell tolled, signaling the retreat. I was already far past the middle guard. I could linger awhile. I passed the giant boulder in the corner of the city and heard a scream. There were no titans around. There was another. Around here? Something ripped through my system.

 

* * *

 

My home.

 

* * *

 

I jerked myself in its direction and flew like the wind. Nobody should be here! The retreat's been terminated! I crashed through our living room window and stood petrified at what I saw. Corpses littered the room. The two men standing were hunched over my mother's mutilated body.

'All men are animals.'

The man on the right had a rifle. The man on the left pulled a knife from her chest. Her dead eyes pleaded for me to run.

'Men are animals.'

I clenched my teeth together with all my strength.

"You're all animals!" I screamed with all the air that occupied my lungs and charged for the two men in a thoughtless rage.

The rifle lifted.

I rose my blade.

The blade came down.

The trigger pulled.

The gunpowder exploded in his blood-gushed face. The halved man and gun soundlessly fell to the floor.

I turned to the man with the knife. He raised it shakily at me and it dropped with a flick of my sword.

"I was wrong," I growled darkly, "Animals follow their senses..." I slashed his arms. He screamed.

"Please don't kill me!"

Blood drained from my cheeks as I clamped my viciously trembling jaw, "Fine. I won't do the killing."

I shoved my hand around his bristled neck and dragged him outside. He wildly struggled as I relentlessly smeared him against the passing buildings. He left trails of blood with every bump I purposely subjected him too. I intended to paint the whole city with his blood before sending him to his end in the most painful way possible. His screams rang out for mercy. I ignored them, and continued on with no discretion until I found a titan.

"Die, you. Fucking. Filth."

I relentlessly ordered into his fear-ridden eyes before throwing him into the carnivorous jaws. I relished the agony of his face as the titan chewed on his disappearing body.

 

* * *

 

The following hours were a blur. I lashed out at every titan that came within my flagrant reach. Before I knew it, I was covered head to toe in searing blood, much of which was my own.

Yet I didn't feel anything. I kept going.

The rain evaporated upon contact with my face. Shreds of my clothing flapped in the corners of my vision like a beggar's schmatte.

I crashed rooftop to rooftop, titan neck to titan neck, occasional tree to occasional tree, leaving completely severed titan necks and my own bloodstains in my wake.

I lost my senses.

Suddenly I stopped. Blood from the cables had jammed my equipment. I was out of replacement blades…

 

* * *

 

How long was I running without gas?

 

* * *

 

I didn't even notice the sun peeking its way through the dissolving clouds during my rampage.

It was so beautiful.

I fell to my knees,

Grabbed fistfuls of my hair,

And screamed,

For God knows how long.

 

* * *

 

"... Bel...!"

Someone's screaming.

"... Bel!"

It sounded like my name.

"Bel!"

Someone's taking me.

I closed my eyes and surrendered to my carrier.

I dangled limply without putting up a fight.

He couldn't do anything to me.

Nothing more could be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :) You can also find some art/extras there!


	11. La Guillotina

I later awoke to the sound of cannonfire. The smell of infected flesh permeated the air around me. I groggily pried the crusted sand and dried mucous from my eyes with my knuckles. When the world finally appeared before me, I saw soldiers running back and forth, carrying various supplies and wounded comrades. A throng of people started making a commotion in response to a single cannonfire. I was too hazy to wonder. A good handful of soldiers ignored the sound as well. Must be the medics. I was near the edge of a dark stable with other wounded and, the fallen piled next to me.

I jumped away from them, dragging the sheet I was on top of with me. There was a groan to my left. I had bumped into another soldier with a bandaged head and right arm in a sling.

"I'm sorry." I said, barely. My voice was like gravel, and my throat felt like I spent the entirety of the past day gargling rocks.

"This one's awake!" A medic ran over to me and started preforming a triage, all the while asking me a myriad of questions I couldn't really answer. She stuck her fingers in my mouth and tilted my head up.

"Get this one some saline!" She yelled over her shoulder and left. A man replaced her and began to feed me the solution. His hands were gentle and the salty liquid soothed my raw throat.

"I was scared they were gonna roll you over into that pile over there, Soldier! I'm glad you came to!" The man said. His voice was uplifting and soothing. He took back the canteen and frowned, "Sorry, we have to ration this. I wish I could give you more, I really do." He dipped a gauze in a nearby tray of water and gently patted away the organic filth from my face. "Can you move?"

I wiggled my toes within my soiled boots. Although sore, I could move my legs. My knee throbbed. My arms were fine more or less, but various places on my body stung awfully.

"Y-yeah..." I replied. I still sounded horrible, but my throat didn't hurt so much.

"Thank goodness, it seems to have worked." He looked around, then poured the marked saline contents into an unmarked bottle. "Here, " he whispered softly and handed me the canteen with a wink.

"O-oh no, you c-can't, it's ok, really-" I began to complain.

"Drink your 'water' and get better. You did a good job today, La Guillotina."

"Wha-" I began to cough. He reached forward and patted my back as I recollected myself.

"I've gotta go, " he said as he pressed the canteen into my hands, "Someone's been asking about you nonstop. I'll go get him." He kindly patted my head and left.

La Guillotina?

 

* * *

 

I stumbled to my feet and crashed upon a stoop outside the stable. The skies were tinged with breathtaking hues of tangerine and heliotrope, signifying the nearing end of the day. I stretched my legs before me. My knee was killing me. Huge pieces of my uniform were missing. The tattered remnants were held down by the straps of my maneuver gear, which itself was missing. I reached into a pocket to find out it had a hole. Great. No handkerchief. I checked the other pocket. Thank goodness. My notebook was miraculously still there.

I cupped some saline into my hand and rubbed it gently around my cuts. It stung horribly, but it had to get clean. The soreness became too hard to bear, so I drank the rest of the saline. As I did so, people passing by kept saluting and referring to me as La Guillotina. Not knowing what else to do, I kept saluting them back, albeit with confusion plastered on my face.

'What now...?' I thought as I leaned back and gazed up at the sky.

"Bel!" I knew that voice. I dropped my chin to see Leo running towards me. "Oh God, I'm so glad you made it back! Viva La Guillotina!" He hugged me tightly and an immense pain shot through my back.

"Aaaguh...!" So much for the soothing I just gave my throat.

"Oh shit! I'm so sorry!" He frantically apologized and jumped the railing to look at my back. "Fuck, that looks bad!"

"What?" I said in a panic and tried to turn around. He held my shoulders back.

"Don't move! I'll get that out!"

"What out?!"

With a swift yank, something thin and rigid was pulled from beneath my skin. I clamped my hand over my mouth and whimpered.

"You ok?" He poked his head over my shoulder and I shook my head. "It was this." He held out a broken bone of my bustier. Oh goddamn it. I slipped off what remained of my jacket and tied it tightly around my torso. "We need to get you to emergency or something. You have blood all over." He stood in front of me and held out his hand, "Can you walk? I don't know if I should be putting pressure on your back to carry you... just in case..." I nodded and took his hand to stand up. It was painful, but I could walk.

"What happened... to the others...?" I asked as he helped me walk. His expression darkened.

"I don't know... I haven't seen them..."

 

* * *

 

We walked in silence for a bit until I slowed down. He immediately carried me on his back and I let most of my weight rest atop his maneuver gear. I allowed my tired arms to droop in front of his chest rather than hang on. I trusted him.

"... Leo." I started with a yawn. Breathing deeply hurt. I may have broken a rib or something.

"Yeah?" He answered meekly.

"Do you know what the... cannonfire was about?"'

"Not exactly, but I heard people screaming about a titan in the inner walls." I tensed, but he gave me a reassuring tap on my foot. "Don't worry about it. It went down as fast as it went up."

"Went up? How?"

We were suddenly stopped by the overwhelming call to attention by Commander Dot Pixes. Leo stopped for us both to listen.

"That's how." He answered.

"No way..." I gasped. "Leo! We have to go!"

"Are you fucking crazy?! You can't even walk and you have no gear!"

"But you do! This operation is the first of its kind in history!"

"I don't give a damn! Someone has to take care of you!"

"But-"

"Nu-uh! You're gonna get patched up! Then I'm gonna get your mother, and you're gonna retire from this whole damn thing until you can-!" He stopped when he heard my sniffling, and gently shook me. My tears ran from my cheek onto his cheek. "Hey! You ok?! It's opening again?!" He broke into a run. I grabbed onto his shirt with my bloodied fists.

"Nuh... no..."

"What? Stay awake Bel! We're almost there!"

"She died, Leo..."

I passed out when he let me down to the table.

 

* * *

 

"Hey Guillotina!" It was the voice of the man who treated me earlier. "Sorry for overlooking that wound on your back!" He apologized as he changed out my IV drip.

"Excuse me," I asked, "Why did people keep calling me that?"

"You don't remember? Ah, you hit your head. It's ok." He gently turned my head towards the window to check my eyes' dilation in the vanishing rays of sunlight. He then massaged different places along my head and neck. It felt good. "Nothing looks bad. Guess you're just hazy." He picked up a clipboard and started writing. "Rumor has it you killed a dozen or so titans by slicing out their necks. Not the usual way. I mean you carved up their whole necks: head, weak spot, and all."

I widened my eyes and scanned the ceiling as he triggered the memories. All of them.

"Take it easy," he said as he handed me a handkerchief to wipe my eyes with, "You're a hero."

I glanced up at him as he tended the neighboring patients, "What else happened? What was the cannonfire? The titan behind Wall Rose? Please fill me in!"

"Ah, that. Mankind made history today! We took Trost back from the titans! They're clearing out all the titans now, so the cannons have been going off all day. We actually had to move all the patients further inland."

"Please tell Garrison Leader Gustav where I am! And request orders from him! Please!"

"Sorry, we have our hands full here. You're free to go after we change your sutures in a few hours. In the meantime, rest some. There's gonna be a lot of hype among the branches real soon." He left. I reluctantly laid down.

 

* * *

 

I was awakened by a sudden commotion that broke out down the hall.

"Ms. Vanteon! Please! Calm down!" Yelled a nurse.

Mom...?!

I ripped out my IV and other instruments that would have held me back and broke into the maddest sprint my body could handle.

"My baby! Where's my baby!?"

It was her.

I pushed aside an intern and there she was.

Alive.

Kicking and screaming.

"Mom!" I screamed as I ran into her arms, paying no heed to the immense pain I was feeling.

"My Bella Mia!" She shrieked through the tears, "I'm so happy to see you! My baby!"

I couldn't speak. I could only linger there. She was alive. Thank heavens she was alive...!

"Mom! You're in horrible shape!" I finally said when she pushed back to look at my face. She was wearing the same tattered clothes I found her in the day before. She had some hasty first aid done on her, but was clearly in serious need of more attention.

"I know, baby, I know..." She cooed, "I just needed to make sure you were... ok."

She then fell limp.

I pressed my ear to her chest in a panic.

Thank goodness.

I glazed over all the faces that surrounded us. Some were tearfully joyful while others were thoroughly shocked.

"Well?" I said firmly, brows knit into an urgent scowl, "Someone continue the triage!"

 

* * *

 

I was forced to return to my own room as she underwent her treatment. She was severely injured all over. She fought off the medics and tore through the hospital looking for me through sheer willpower alone. I was pissed that I wasn't allowed to be in the room, but took the opportunity to try and process everything that had happened. Just the other day, I was counting my blessings. I was content with my job... I was surrounded by friends...

I was living the life... a simple, lackluster life... but now...

I rolled over and pulled my curtain as the tears fell. I don't remember when I fell asleep. I just remembered my decision to withdraw from the military so I would never have to leave my mother's side again.

 

* * *

 

"Ms. Vanteon... Ms. Vanteon..." Dr. Boyle's voice called out.

"Yeah...?" I moaned as I rubbed my eyes.

"Your mother's recovering now. She should be waking soon."

"Oh, great, thank you." I said as I prepared my frail body to walk.

"Now I usually wouldn't wake a patient for any reason, but since you were so... adamant about being notified of your mother's condition, I made sure to follow through on the promise you so civilly asked me to make."

"I appreciate that very much, Dr. Boyle." I grinned as I began my long trek to the recovery wing, rolling my IV along with me.

"Ms. Vanteon, please let me take you there in a wheelchair." He offered.

"Thank you, Doctor,  but if I'm able to walk, I want to-"

"You barely took half a step in the last minute. She'll be discharged by the time you get there."

"A wheelchair sounds nice." I surrendered.

 

* * *

 

She stirred ten minutes within my arrival. I jumped up to her bedside.

"Hi, Mom," I said softly as I reached for her hand. Her eyes began to flutter open. "How are you feeling?"

She had a hard time waking up, as she flit in and out of consciousness for a few minutes. When she finally found my face, she smiled gently.

"Dmitri... oh I thought I'd never see you again..."

I blinked.

Dmitri?

"No, Mama," I corrected, "I'm Bel, your daughter. You were attacked in our home during the last titan breach. So was I, but we both survived and are in the hospital. Do you remember any of that?"

She stared at me quizzically, as if I was speaking in an unintelligible language. The small tilt of her head made her seem more like a child than usual, as if she were taken back in time.

"What do you mean ''attacked'?" She asked.

Not wanting to rile her with any unnecessary details of the violence, I thought it best to avoid the violent details. I wasn't even there to see her part of the fight anyways.

"That's not important, Ma, but we're ok now. We're safe here." I reassured.

"Is Beau ok?"

My heart sank.

"Mom... don't you remember? Beau is..."

Suddenly, she jolted up and began shaking me with the full force of her post-operation strength. "Dmitri! Where's Beau?! Where's my baby boy?! We have to find him! Quick! Before-!"

"Mom! It's me! Bel! Who's Dmitri?!"

I couldn't hold my vicious sobbing as I fought to calm her down. Before I knew it, a team of nurses and interns stormed into the room, armed with sedatives and other medical tools. I watched in agony as her traumatized face came in and out of view behind the number of white coated bodies it took to hold her down. I was eventually shooed from the room and into the hallway, where I collapsed and cried off my face for the umpteenth time within the last couple days.

What happened to my friends?

What was happening to my mother...?

... What was happening to me...?

 

* * *

 

After I finally calmed down and the nurses succeeded in sedating my mother, I just sat there beside her, staring blankly at the wall. It turned out she suffered some sort of brain trauma, but there was no way to tell how severe it was. She had healthy physical responses to stimuli, so the injury wasn't threatening her life, but her mind. One moment, she was happy to see me, and the next, she mistook me for someone else and fell into a fit of hysteria lamenting over my late brother, whom she thought was still alive and needed saving...

It was my fault.

It was all my fault.

Instead of taking charge of the situation and handling it in the best possible way...

... I became a monster...

I committed murder...

I left the building and ran into the courtyard, so I wouldn't disturb anyone with my muffled screaming and rue.

 

* * *

 

"Hey... hey Bel!"

I was shaken awake by a gentle, familiar hand. The air was freezing. Guess I passed out past sundown.

"Bel! The staff's been looking all over for you... C'mon. Let's get you inside."

"No."

"No?"

"I don't... want to go inside..."

"Why not?"

I remained silent, and simply burrowed into my knees. I didn't know why. I just... didn't want to move...

"Alright," he said, "If you want to stay here, we'll stay here" He scooted next to me on the grassy floor and opened his jacket, inviting me into his warmth, "This is my only condition, c'mere."

I followed the sound of his voice and cuddled up to him, enveloped by the twin roses that donned his coat. His arms immediately wrapped around me and soothed my trembling. Once I regained control over my breathing, all that remained were the melodious symphonies of crickets reverberating through the otherwise quiet night.

I didn't once look up at the sky.

"Bel," he finally spoke, "I heard what happened... I'm sorry."

"It's my fault..." I stuttered, "I should have made sure she was ok..."

"It is not your fault, Bel!" he countered, "Do you have any idea how many lives you saved by killing all those titans? Veterans and cadets alike? You're a hero, Bel! What you did was amazing! The fact that you survived in itself is amazing!"

I started crying again. I couldn't stand to tell him that I murdered two people in cold blood. Three.  As if it was nothing.

I didn't even deserve to be comforted by him. I pushed off him and attempted to stand up.

"N-o no no! Don't you leave me! Listen!" He said as he pulled me back into his jacket.

"I'm resigning from the Garrison!" I blurted. He was visibly hurt.

"Ok, that's worse than joining the Scouts."

"No it's not!" I spit back.

"Haha, got you back!"

"Leo..." I groaned, pushing myself off him and segregating myself to the bench I was leaning against earlier. He immediately placed his jacket around my shoulders and sat beside me.

“Why the drastic measure?"

"I... thought it best... so I could take care of Mom twenty-four/seven..."

"Who's gonna work?"

"I will. From home."

"Will that be enough?"

"Hopefully."'

"Do you really think an in-home laundry business is gonna support a single adult and another with medical expenses?"

"Maybe I'll get retirement benefits from the Garrison."

"Psh, after one year? You won't even get disability, given how good you bounce back from your injuries."

"Who knows? Maybe this time my fractured rib and swollen kneecap won't heal properly."

"Bitch, please. You once twisted your ankle and showed up for 3DMG drills the next morning. Plus, your rib wasn't broken. It was bruised, and you treated that dislocated kneecap so fast it probably didn't even have enough time to realize it was shifted. Aside from the cuts, bruises, and sutures you have now, you're in pretty good shape."

"Wow, Private Vicente, you just full on invaded my privacy. I should report you."

"See? You're even making threats." He smiled. I couldn't help but frown. His expression turned to being serious. "Don't quit, Bel. Your mother wouldn't want that."

"But..." I stared at an acacia blossom. The warm colored bundle of fibrous blossoms called to me like the sun in the sky, "She needs me..."

"Do you not know your own mother?" He questioned as he leaned over the bench and foraged through some shrubbery, "She wouldn't want you going out of your way to take care of her. Ever. She'd hate to hold you back."

"But she's become mentally unstable! No one else can-"

"There are professionals for that," he reassured, "We will get her the best care in Mitras. I promise."

"Leo..."

"Aha!" He jumped up and offered me an iris, "Wisdom and valor. Stop looking at the retirement flowers and look at this." He held it up so I could see it in the moonlight. "This is who you are, Bel, and the Bel I know would be miserable washing clothes for the rest of her life. You need your freedom. You need to be you."

"You remembered..." I started crying again. His words... were exactly what I needed.

"Of course. Even though Gabe and Rolo usually tuned you out during your science spiels and stared at each other instead, Cinnie and CJ listened. Not as much as me, though."

I threw my arms around him and sobbed, "I miss them... though..."

He sniffed as his own eyes began to water, "'Yeah... me too..."

 

* * *

 

"Why don't you stay?" I asked as Leo escorted me back to me room.

"As one of the few able-bodied soldiers left, I've got to report for clean-up and tagging tomorrow."

"Are you sure you're gonna be ok?"

"Yeah. You just worry about getting better and making sure your mother's being treated well while you're here." He smiled warmly as he gently patted my head. I smiled back.

"At least take this bread roll I swiped from the cafeteria on the way over here "

"Sweet. I'll put it in the pocket opposite the one I already took."

We shared a laugh, and then he was on his way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :) You can also find some art/extras there!


	12. Swan Song

"Please let me join you! I'm Garrison Private Vanteon! I can help identify soldiers!" I asked, running after a group of morticians. A couple days had passed since the breach.

"Absolutely not." commanded Dr. Boyle.

"Dr. Boyle, please! Those are my comrades out there! They need me!" I needed to get out of there.

He motioned to a nearby nurse. "Trost is currently a biohazard. It's cancer to open wounds, so if you're gonna go…" My face lit up as he trailed off. He sighed. "You're going to have to follow all regulatory procedures in the strictest manner and double up your bandages! Wear a mask! And wear two coats!"

"Yessir!" I saluted him happily and grabbed the materials the nurse returned with.

 

* * *

 

I prepared myself as best as I could to see the aftermath. Not a single building appeared bloodstainless. It would take days to recover all the bodies. To my dismay, the cadets weren't given coats. All they had were masks and gloves. I ended up giving my top coat to a cadet. It was outrageous.

"Hey." A tall man clad in anticontagion apparel from head to toe walked over to me.

"How can you recognize me when I'm so covered up?"

"It's in your eyes. You have the look of a lunatic, La Guillotina." Leo joked.

I punched his shoulder with the outside of my fist. "Stop calling me that. I don't know how I feel about it yet."

He let out a small laugh "Too bad. You're becoming famous now." The mask muffled his voice, making him sound deeper than usual.

"Then keep my secret identity a secret!" I joked.

He laughed, then waved his clipboard, "We were assigned to the square."

My heart dropped. That was where Luciano's was located.

 

* * *

 

Together we identified at least thirty soldiers. We saved the cafe for last. The roof had caved in and the entire front entrance wall was smashed.

"Ready?" He asked as he held open a tattered curtain, dotted with a new scarlet-tinged accent upon its formerly elegant appearance. I nodded, keeping my hands up.

The rest of the volunteers had regrouped in the square. There were no traces of any of them: Gabriel, CJ, the Cunninghams. After comparing the data, we were left to conclude the worst. I thought I was ready for it, but I wasn't. After counting the bodies in a nearby nucleus of titan vomit, I ripped off my gloves and mask, then plopped down on a slab of rubble before the decimated cafe, where we were all laughing, eating, and having a wonderful time together just the other night. Leo comforted me as I wept.

"We couldn't be there with them..." I sobbed.

Leo sniffled and wrote their names under the "unidentified and missing" section of his clipboard. The letters were messier than the rest. "I know..." he said as he wiped his eyes into his elbow, "But at least they were all together..."

"I never tried singing for them..." I gazed over the canvas covered bodies. Leo stood up and rummaged through some bricks. "Leo, there aren't anymore. We already checked."

"I know," he replied as he dug, "But I saw something... ah." He pulled out a damaged guitar, the one that belonged to Gabriel's father. He gave the three strings a strum, then fiddled with the tuners.

"Leo, what the hell..." I grumbled.

"There." He strummed it again a few times. "It's not so loud because it's cracked, but it's still ok."

"Again," I groaned, "What the hell."

"It's not too late. You can sing for them now."

I lost my frown. I could. I cleared my throat to check the ruggedness. It still sounded bad to me, but the pain had dwindled down.

"Ok." I said, standing up. He grinned.

"What kind of rhythm should I play, m'lady?"

"A waltz."

"Got it."

He played a few chords until he found one he liked. The strings reverberated the musky air, as if their spirits had turned to watch.

"Go on." He said excitedly as he maintained the rhythm. I swayed to the waltz, closed my eyes, opened my mouth, and began singing as best I could.

 

* * *

 

When I opened my eyes, I saw that we attracted a small audience, which broke into applause as Leo rose his hand on the last strum.

"Viva La Guillotina!" One of the cadets called out. I hid my face in embarrassment and bent down to retrieve my gloves and mask.

"Bel Vanteon!" A commanding voice called out from the crowd, much too harsh to be gifting congratulations.

"Aye!" I saluted the officer as he pushed through the crowd. He was followed by two Military Police Officers, who suddenly grabbed and restrained my wrists.

Leo jumped up angrily, "Hey! Let her go! She's wounded!" The officer waved him down.

"Bel Vanteon! First year Private of the Garrison Regiment! You are under arrest for civil manslaughter!" The crowd erupted in cacophonous gasps and whispers as the officers roughly shoved me away.

"Hey! You're wrong!" Leo yelled. He stomped towards the officer.

"Stand down, Soldier! I could put you away too if you raise a hand to authority!"

"But Bel would never do that! She only killed titans!" He ran in front of me, "Right, Bel?! Tell them!" I averted my eyes from him and shook my head. His jaw dropped and I was carried away as the sounds of angry voices arguing on my behalf faded into the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :) You can also find some art/extras there!
> 
> P. S. : I'm gonna shamelessly ask about your music tastes again... What song did Bel sing for her friends?


	13. A Red String

I lost track of how much time I spent in the cell. Only the halls were lit, leaving the interior of my cage completely dark. There weren't any windows, and the air remained putrid. It reminded me of being in the titan's mouth. After vomiting a couple times, I finally got used to it. What I couldn't get used to was having my wrists shackled above my head for the majority of the time. I was only ever cut loose to eat and, thankfully, the guards complained about my smell so my filth earned me a change of clothes, although prison clothes, a borderline waterboarding of a bathing, and my cell a cleaning. There was a microscopically thin silver lining to being in prison and developing an odor so disgusting it could no longer be taken by the wardens who you'd expect to be used to that... kinda grossness.

"Hold up. I'm taking a detour." A familiar voice could be heard.

"You sure you want to take on that responsibility as well, Levi?" Another voice answered. "I don't doubt you in the least bit, but you're still just one man."

"That's the same as doubting me." It was him, and if I wasn't mistaken, the other voice was the Commander. What were they doing here...? "Don't worry your coiffed blonde head about it. The other brat might be a titan, but this one's one hundred percent human. I've dealt with both."

"And you're certain this will be worth it." The Commander stated rather than questioned.

"If only you spared a whopping two seconds to look at the kind of shit she's written, you'd agree she's just as valuable to our cause as the other brat."

"Alright. I need to return to headquarters, so you'll have to catch up later then."

The footsteps departed. One pair grew fainter as the other came closer.

"You look like hammered shit, Kitten." I looked up from my confinement to see the Captain leaning against the bars. A red ribbon dangled from his fingers.

"C-Captain Levi..." I shifted my weight off my sore rump. The chains on my wrists clanged.

"And you sound even shittier." I looked away from him. I was in a horrible state. I had been there for days and was starving. He kneeled down to my level to get a better look at me.

"Please don't, Captain..." I pleaded. I did not want him to see me at all.

"Want to tell me what you did to finally get caught?" I swept my legs in the opposite direction and turned as far away as I could. As grateful as I was to his being there, some things didn't add up.

"Why... are you here...? Don't you have more... pressing matters to attend to... more imperative than helping a fugitive Garrison soldier...?"

"That's not important. Now talk." He abruptly pounded a fist to the wall, bringing me back to the situation at hand.

It wasn't all about me.

"When the colossal titan reappeared in Trost, I was assigned to the rear guard..."

"Oh?" He said with sincere amusement. He then stood up and took a seat on the bench on the opposite wall. I relaxed as he elegantly crossed his legs and folded his hands. My ribbon intertwined into his fingers.

"Yes," I continued, "When the retreat bells rang, I scoured the east side of town for lingering survivors. It was then I-" my voice shook.

"Keep going," he commanded, "I don't have all fucking day. You sound like shit, but I need to know what happened." His demanding tone made me clear my head.

"I heard screaming coming from my house. When I got there, there were two men next to my mother's body and corpses everywhere else. I killed two, then fed the last one to a titan."

He raised his eyebrows. "That's a pretty ballsy thing to do. I'm surprised you survived." He got up and returned to the bars. I flinched. "I'm sorry about what happened to your mother, but it sounds like she didn't go down without a hell of a fight."

"Yeah..." Tears fell onto the cold stone floor as I thought of her. He was right. She went down fighting. She killed most of them. I only finished the job.

"Hey." He reached through the bars and tied the ribbon onto a stray lock of my hair. "Sit tight. Won't be long until you're out of this shit-hole, Guillotina." He affirmed as he stood up and walked away, leaving me with the awkward bow and agape expression. I hope he didn't smell my however many day's old stench.

 

* * *

 

It was to be an ordinary civil hearing. My handcuffs were shackled to a post before the judge. I looked around me. There was a civilian jury and a lone Garrison soldier to my left. I recognized him as Ethan. To my right were other soldiers I recognized from my battalion, including Leo, and a couple scout soldiers, Hange and the Captain.

"Do you swear by the prosperity of humanity that the evidence you will give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Repeat. Loud so the whole room can hear you." The officer instructed as he secured my cuffs.

I took a deep breath. "I promise before the prosperity of humanity that the evidence which I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!"

"Bel Vanteon, correct?" asked the judge.

"Yes, Your Honor." I answered.

"You're here on behalf of an eyewitness' claim that you threw a civilian into the mouth of a titan after the retreat bell during the battle of Trost. Will Ethan Allende please step forward?"

"Yes, your honor." He sounded like a coward as he swore his oath and read his report aloud.

"Are his allegations true, Ms. Vanteon?" I clenched my jaw as the judge turned to me.

"... Yes Your Honor, but if I may add, the said civilians attempted the murder of Risa Vanteon, whom was left with severe injuries and even more severe psychological damage. Evidence of self-defense is strongly apparent at the scene."

"And were you, also, acting in self-defense by taking hold of the man, fleeing the scene, and taking justice into your own hands, Ms. Vanteon?" Ethan jeered at me.

Levi slammed his hands onto the wooden railing. The impact resounded the room. "The asshole's provoking her!" He snarled. Hange grabbed his arm.

"Overruled, Ackerman." The judge continued, "Answer the question, Ms. Vanteon."

Oh, I had an answer alright. "When I entered the scene, there were two men still alive! One had an MP issue rifle and had the intention of shooting me, Your Honor! I used my equipment to protect myself!"

The judge folded his hands. "And what threat did the other man pose to you?"

I thought hard about the scene. I could lie. No one else was there. "He had a knife, Your Honor, and had the intention to harm me as well."

"What kept you from protecting yourself in the same manner as when the other man attacked you, Ms. Vanteon?"

Aww crap. I couldn't lie about that. "My anger, Your Honor. I was under the impression that my mother had just been murdered by a group of con-men, and if I hadn't done away with the man, he would have escaped and brought harm to who knows how many others."

"That's a crime of passion, Your Honor!" A civilian man shouted out. He looked oddly familiar. I've heard his shouting voice before. "She should have arrested him instead of passing unjust judgement herself!" Murmurs erupted from the crowd.

"Order!" The judge shouted. "Next witness, please. Will Scout Captain Levi Ackerman step forward."

Without acknowledgement, he walked over to the podium, raised his right hand, and recited the secular variant of the oath. I focused my attention on him. Was he on his toes...?

"Levi Ackerman," the judge began, "Is it true you identified the corpses found within the Vanteon residence as established criminals in the underground city?"

"Yeah." He affirmed, too casually for the circumstances. I blinked. How could he have known them? "In place of any capital punishment, solitary confinement, or any other shit you guys put felons through, let her join the Recon Corps. Think of it as community service or something like that..."

"You want to let off the psychopath easy by just letting her transfer ranks?! Bullshit!" Ethan argued.

"Silence!" The judge withheld. Levi raised a malicious eyebrow to Ethan.

"Oh...?" He clenched a fish and was about to hoist himself up and over the podium.

"Think of it this way!" Hange ran to the stage before Levi could act. "Let her work instead if locking her up!" He took her hint and calmed down.

"She's right. Let her do the dirty jobs you cowards don't have the balls to do. And who knows... she may just end up dying, just like you want. May as well make use of her second life, even if you do consider her scum..." His voice faded from my head.

I suddenly remembered the man very clearly. I made a double take. He scratched his goatee.

 

* * *

 

It was my father.

 

* * *

 

The very man who attacked my mother and brought an early end to my childhood...

A cold sweat broke down my back. I began to hyperventilate. My eyes fell to my knees. Why was he here?! How did he get here?! Was he behind it?! Did he hire hitmen to kill my mom?! Am I next?! I have to run! I need to get out! He was going to kill me!

Shit! Now he knows he failed! And it's my fault! Why didn't I shut my fucking mouth?!

I started fighting the chains and kicking out with my legs in a panic.

"Ms. Vanteon! Stop immediately!" The judge ordered above the debating audiences. The MP's on my flanks fought to hold me down. "Order! Order or you'll be shot, Vanteon!" The clicking of unlatching rifle safetys echoed in the courtroom.

"Stop!" It was Leo. He had jumped before the judge with his arms spread wide, "She's in shock! It's not her fault! She's been in the dungeon for weeks! Give her a break!" Levi had jumped the podium and Hange had jumped over the railing to pull the officers away from me.

"Everyone stand down!" Gustav. I reclaimed my senses.

"And who are you?" The judge demanded. I peeked over my shoulder. He saluted the judge in the corner if my periphery.

"Garrison Squad Leader Gustav, Your Honor!" He announced, "Private Vanteon is under my jurisdiction in the Garrison regiment!"

"Well then..." The judge folded his hands and leaned back in the chair. "Is there anything you want to say on behalf of Ms. Vanteon?"

"Yes, Your Honor!" He ran to the podium and pulled a rough stack of papers from his jacket. "Regarding Private Vanteon's background!" I shook my head wildly at him, but he continued.

It could save my life, but there went my history, out to be ravaged by the public and military branches alike. Citizens of the underground were widely frowned upon, so much so, that my mother and I had taken the measures to keep that part of our backgrounds a secret. I dropped my head to curtain my face with my hair. My ribbon draped the corner of my eye.

"So therefore," Gustav concluded, "Private Vanteon is a victim. Her outstanding performance while serving my team clearly exemplifies her will to rise above her circumstances and dedicate her strongest abilities to the benefit of humanity. I implore you all," he stated firmly as he glared amongst the jury, "to grant her the pardon she deserves."

"Is that all?" The judge asked, leaning his cheek into his palm.

"Yes, Your Honor. Nothing further." He put the papers away and joined the military section. Hange and Levi followed him, but not before the latter roughly released the MP's jeweled necktie and grunted. I was a little confused by his behavior...

What was with him...?

"Very well. I'm sure the jury has more than enough to work with." The judge raised his palm, "Adjourned!"

 

* * *

 

Leo was the first to burst into my holding room. He spun me around in a huge hug that cracked my entire rigid spine.

"Thank God..." He sniffed. "You at least escaped the solitary confinement penalty for sure!" He put me down and shoved his face into my hair.

"No, Leo, I stink!" I mumbled as I tried to push him away from me. He remained silent, so I gave up.

"Will you... go to the Survey Corps?" He sobbed.

"I'll take it over death or solitary confinement..." I thought back to the courtroom, the incident, and the conditions. He pushed his hands to my shoulders and opened his mouth to protest. "No, Leo!" I cut him off. "You have to stay!"

"What do you mean?! I promised you! Wherever you go, I'll go!"

"You also promised me we'd get my mother to Mithras! At least one of us needs to be alive for that to happen!" The door clicked, but no one came in. I listened for footsteps leaving, then turned back to him. "There were no titans around my block that day, and at least half a dozen people were alive in the house at one time. It's safe to stipulate that they had help from a handful of Garrison soldiers to keep the area clear. I need you to remain on the inside, Leo."

He stared at me blankly. "No way... Bel, I heard everything Gustav said, but would they really go that far?"

I nodded solemnly. "Yeah, Leo... they would..."

"Then you're in danger!"

I collected my thoughts. "I'll be safe from them outside the walls."

"Not from the titans!"

"I'd rather die in the Corps than in here!" He looked hurt. I had raised my voice. He looked away.

"I'll find the traitors," he began, "Then when it's safe, you can come back."

"No... I can't. I'm a criminal, remember?"

"Argh!" He twisted his hands in his hair in frustration as he paced the room. "Then when it's over, I'll transfer too!"

"Goddamn it, Leo! You now know who I am! Where I came from! How I grew up! I committed murder! Our friends are dead! Gabriel! Cinnie! Rolo! CJ! When you think about it, you're really the only one left!" My eyes began to tear. I lowered my voice. "Start again, Leo... save yourself... and my mother... that's all I want..."

He turned away from me and rested both hands over a bookshelf. He quietly contemplated himself before speaking. "I don't care what you did." He brought one hand to his face. "I don't care where you came from." His muscular shoulders heaved as they eclipsed the back of his head. He was also sweating. "I'll remember the others... and ensure your mother's safety..." He walked over to me and looked into my eyes with what seemed to be all his strength. "But I can't forget about you...! I!" He cupped my face in his hands and brought me close. "I love you, Bel. I felt it every time we sparred as cadets. I felt it when you would take your plate to the far corner of the mess hall and eat with one hand while reading or writing with the other!" His thumbs traced tender circles upon my cheeks and wiped my tears as he went on. "I felt it when we joined the same branch, and when you jumped into that titan, you really scared me. I felt like I had to grow a pair and just get to know you, before you disappeared before my eyes again!" I placed my hands over his wrists.

"Leo..."

"Let me finish!" He dropped his head into my shoulder. "When you disappeared in Trost, I spent hours looking for you, and when I heard you, screaming... I felt like I could die..." He picked up his head and met my eyes again. "Do you understand what I'm saying, Bel? Even if you don't feel the same way about me, you still have me! I'm yours...!"

I couldn't say anything. I just kept staring at him with eyes as blank as my mind. His eyes softened.

"I'm sorry, Bel... " He angled my chin towards his lips. "I'm just gonna do it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, five-foot-a-b1tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :) You can also find some art/extras there!


	14. Peon to the Grind

"I want the entire barracks scrubbed again from top to bottom..." commanded Captain Levi as we neared the temporary headquarters. It turned out that the Captain's recognition of the thugs as part of an illegal underground crime ring was verified.by other witnesses and empirical documents. They were also listed as known offenders in government records, so I was off the hook.

I burned their names into my memory before leaving the courthouse.

After a few hours of waiting for the jury to decide, I was officially transferred to the Recon branch after fifteen months of service in the Garrison. It seemed as though any opposers just took my transfer as a death sentence anyways. Some of the senior Scouts looked down upon me while others were glad to have La Guillotina on their side. I didn't remember exactly how I fought the titans in Trost, so I was sure to disappoint them during the next expedition… my first expedition…

"... And the showers spotless." continued the Captain. We stopped before the enormous castle engulfed in torchlight. I clutched my pack of few belongings to my chest. After the crime scene was cleaned up, I was able to procure some of my clothes. The second floor was mostly decimated, but our large wooden chest tolerated the damage surprisingly well. I slid off the cart and other soldiers began hauling supplies and dispersed. It seemed that the Captain had made a second roundtrip to pick me up, as well as other supplies.

"Vanteon." The Captain slid off Anneliese.

"Yes Sir!"

"You're getting in right after. You smell disgusting."

I glared at him. "I'm well aware of that. Captain. They took their sweet time getting to my case."

"And you would still be there if I hadn't testified." He clicked his tongue and led his horse into the stable. I ran after him.

"Thank you! Captain!"

"Fuck, stay at least five meters away from me until you get rid of that stench!" He growled angrily. He sounded almost like a little boy who was afraid of girl cooties.

"I can't be that bad!"

"You're right. You're a thousand fucking times worse!"

"Now you're just being rude!" I plopped down upon a hay bale against the stable door. He remerged from the stable and dusted off his hands.

"You can't stay there. You'll kill the fucking horses."

"Captain..."

"Roll in their shit while you wait and maybe they'll tolerate you. I'm gonna speed up the process." He stated in the same tone as he walked up the castle steps. "I'll send Hange out for you, because you're both pigs." I dropped my things and sprawled over the bale. I had no idea to what degree he was joking.

"Ok Bel! You're getting the first spa treatment!" Hange suddenly hovered over my face and I jumped up and screamed. "Ah ha ha! You jump just like Bean!"

"What?"

"My latest subjects! Sonny and Bean! I'll tell you all about it!" My face lit up. "Now come on come on! We're gonna have to scrub you to Levi standards!" She grabbed my bag and wrist and pulled me inside.

 

* * *

 

"Why didn't you tell them you had stitches? They look horrible!" She exclaimed as she meticulously washed my back.

"I was too tired to complain. They wouldn't have cared anyways..." I mumbled. Even though we were both women, I still felt minorly uncomfortable being nude in someone else's presence.

"Ugh, why do I believe you? Poor thing..." I bent over and she gently scrubbed the rest of my back.

I couldn't help but think about how the Captain acted up in court. He seemed especially agitated, and I couldn't really pinpoint a reason.

"Umm, Hange?"

"Yes?"

"Why was the Captain... so aggressive during the trial?" I asked. "Was he having a bad day?"

"Well..." she began, "It's really not my place to say."

"I... understand..." I muttered. Guess it wasn't something I was yet privileged enough to know.

"But you're right, though! He was antsier than usual." She acknowledged, attempting to credit my worries. I simply nodded

"Umm... thank you, Hange, I think I can do the rest myself..."

"Ok, no problem!" She dumped a bucket of cold water over my back. I would have shivered, but it felt good against my inflamed wound. "But don't be shy! Call out if you need me!" she sang as she handed me the sponge, "I'll be right outside!"

I couldn't help but smile. "Ok, thank you so much, Hange!" She winked and closed the door.

I dumped my face into the soapy water, which had a light tinge of pink from my crusted wounds. I would have dunked my whole head, but she was nice enough to wash my hair and wrap it up so I didn't want to ruin it. As she did so, she told me all about her research. It was extraordinarily exciting to hear about, and refreshing to talk to someone with such an eccentric view on titans. Her excitement got the best of her, though, when I hypothesized that larger titans may be able to absorb more sunlight and last longer when deprived of it than smaller titans. She almost fell into the tub when she hugged me. Her enthusiasm surprised me a little, but I had the feeling that we could be really good friends. We complemented each other well.

I drained the dirty water and turned on the shower, making sure not to resoak my hair. When I finished scrubbing, I dried myself off as best I could and secured a towel around my torso.

"Ok Hange!" I lightly rapped the door, "I'm ready to go to my room now."

"Oh, good!" She opened the door and led me around the hall. My bare feet pattered against the floor. It was suddenly too cold. I rubbed my arms to warm up some friction.

"You'll be staying here! You're the odd woman out, so luckily you get this quarters to yourself!" She explained happily. We both entered the room to see the Captain sitting cross-legged and cross-armed upon one of the beds. He wore an intense scowl. All my garments were laid out next to him, including the intimates I saved.

"Took you two long as fuck to get out. Did you have fun bonding over titans and shit?" He joked.

"Sure did!" Hange declared proudly.

"Captain! What are you doing with my things?!" I clutched my towel closer, having not expected to find the man in my room.

On my bed.

With my personal undergarments.

As I stood there in my towel.

"More like, 'What are you doing with a harlot’s closet?!' Vanteon?!" He held up a fistful of lace and delicate boning. "What are these?! You can't possibly be able to move in this!"

I snatched them from his hand. "That's none of your business, Captain! I need these, and can move just fine!"

"And this?!" He procured the upper strap of my 3DMG harness and shook it at me. "Why was this altered?! It could be dangerous to move the chest strap that far up! Do you wanna fucking die and become titan shit, Vanteon?!"

"That was completely necessary! Captain! Adjustments had to be made! And! For the record! They've already been cleared!" I clenched my fists agitatedly. "And titan's don't shit!"

"Tch!" He threw the harness back onto the bed. "Hange! Help this stupid woman before she gets herself killed over something as stupid as underwear, will you?!" he commanded as he yanked my brassiere back from my hands, "You'd better have washed your clothes before carrying them all the fucking way here, brat!" He yelled and slammed the door behind him.

"Whoa, I haven't seen anyone talk back him like that! Damn! You sure took him for a spin!" She remarked and began to laugh. I scoured the bed for a pair of underwear and slipped them on beneath my towel.

"He's right, though," I admitted, "That's how I messed up my back. One of the bones snapped and jammed in pretty deep. I got lucky it didn't go any deeper and puncture an organ." I found a pair of pants and slipped them on as well.

"Oh, I see, " she agreed, "I can imagine how that could go bad."

"What should I do...?" I whined as I contemplated the banes of my physique.

"Do what I do!" Hange said cheerfully, "Wrap them up with wide bandage! Even with your size, it should be secure enough if you do it right!" She came up to me and lightly patted my shoulder, "I'll show you after we fix up your sutures!"

"Thanks a lot." I said as I turned and slipped on a comfortable tee shirt. Her giggles started up again as I went to putting my things away. "What's so funny, now?"

"Heeheehee...! You have no idea what you just did by fighting back...!"

"What...?"

"You just became his bitch!"

"What...?"

"You'll see...!"

Oh great…

 

* * *

 

She turned out to be right... about both.  With the right combination of techniques, I could effectively and supportively wrap myself up without feeling too suffocated. I spent the next few weeks doing all sorts of things: cleaning, training, reading, studying, and other odd jobs and tasks. I'll never forget the day my uniform arrived. I could have spent hours admiring the emblem I dreamed of wearing ever since we left the underground. I tried to use the Captain's old cloak, which he albeit regretfully let me keep as a blanket of some sort, as he put it, but blatantly forbid I wear it. Perhaps he wouldn't notice if I just happened to accidentally switch them.

Whenever he wasn't with the Jaeger boy, he shifted to my case like a strict Capitol mother from hell. He scolded me so many times throughout the days, all I could think of whilst trying to fall asleep were among the following:

"Rise and shine... the fucking windows, Private!"

"If I can't see my face in it, you're polishing it again!"

"Is that a window? I can't fucking see through it!"

"That better as hell not be a dirty dish you're placing in the sink, Kitten! Fucking wash it!"

"Pigs rolling in shit clean up better than you do, Vanteon!"

"Why the fuck did you sheath broken blades? Take that shit apart and clean it out!"

"I swear to the fucking wall Vanteon if you sneak insoles into my boots one more time you'll be polishing them for the rest of your shitty life!"

The last one was courtesy of Hange, who dared me to commit the atrocity multiple times after referring to him as "Captain Shorty". I was able to decline many times, but she tricked me into losing a bet, so I had little choice. I miraculously survived, but swore to myself to never do such a thing again. There was no worse way to harm a man's ego. I would never bet with Hange again. It was dangerous.

As the newest (but nonetheless honorary) member of Captain Levi’s Special Operations Squad, I had a lot to cram before the next expedition.  Not only was I pressured to prove my expertise in order to earn my keep, but I had to be made into a Scout soldier within the tiny span of a couple months or so.  Since my ideas required live titan testing, the Captain and I worked closely together and took numerous trips to Wall Maria’s no-man’s land.

But the grind came first.

 

* * *

 

"If you want to save people, preferably without ending up in a titan's mouth, you'll have to be able to carry the weight of the wounded, as well as your own.” He instructed the day after I arrived. He quickly destroyed any chance of awkward tension from the previous day with his straightforwardness. “You'll need more than twice the skill of a typical soldier. A Scout soldier. Any less and you're not only going to get yourself pointlessly killed, but we'll lose your valuable insight. Since your stubborn ass can't decide on a single goal, you're gonna be strong enough to handle it all once I'm through with you."

"Thank you, Captain." I said, saluting graciously.

"Don't thank me, yet.” He ordered, then swiftly pointed to a pile of equipment not too far away, “Attach those training weights to your harness and run thirty laps around the grounds."

“Thirty?! So soon?”

“Did I fucking stutter?” He scowled. “As long as your stitches stay intact, I have no reason to hold back on you.”

“Is that why you made me wear this?”

“No shit. Now go before you make me regret showing up in that filthy prison cell.”

With no other option, I took a deep breath and did as I was told. The next day, he had me doing laps inside the castle, the routes being up and down every staircase. A few minutes before lunch, I collapsed before my last climb and dropped one of my weights. Falsely assuming I could rest there for a while, he descended from above.

“What are you doing?” He asked no-nonsensically.

“I feel like I’m gonna die…” I moaned.

He knelt down and lifted my shirt, probably to check my sutures. The exposure to the cool, stone-walled castle air felt nice…

“Would you rather die here or fighting titans?” He snapped.

“Neither!” I responded.

“Then pick it up!” I struggled to my knees and reached for the weight.  In the middle of my prepatory breath, I received a swift kick to the rear. “C’mon! You’re almost there!”

Rather than give in to the urge to roundhouse him in the crotch, I used the burst of energy to shoot up the flight of stairs that took me to the top of the watchtower.  After clearing the last step, I tossed my carried weights aside and leaned upon my knees for a few seconds to catch my breath, then looked up.

The sky was a bright and cloudless vibrant blue. A single bird taunted me from above and flew away, but I couldn’t stop the huge grin that was forming upon my face.

I’d done it.

I completed the routine!

I thought it impossible, but I did it.

“Whoo-hoo!” I screamed aloud, not caring if I was heard.  Reaching my arms above my head, I bended from the sun and released them in a full-body stretch.  I could hardly believe I did it.

“You’re loud.” I whipped around to see the Captain suddenly appear from the stairs.

“S-sorry!” I said, suddenly embarrassed, and promptly went to removing the weights from my harness.  He leaned against the doorway and just froze there, staring at me.  Aside from his hair, cravat, and collar billowing slightly in the high breeze that picked up, he could have been made of the finest marble...

Now thoroughly self-conscious, I eyed him in my periphery as I took off the remainder of my equipment. “Umm… did you need something from me… Captain?”

He remained stoic as I turned to face him.  A bead of sweat ran down my temple.  It could have been either the exercise or nervousness I was suddenly subject to by his iron glare.

“Do everyone a favor and don’t show up to lunch without showering first.” He finally said as he lobbed me a towel he had hidden beneath his tucked arm.

“Ok, thank you…” I replied as I pulled the towel from my face.

“We’ll be sparring afterwards, so come in uniform.” He ordered before turning and stepping back into the castle.  His undercut lifted ever so slightly as he descended, revealing a perfectly shaven line.  I shuddered from the wind and brought the towel to my cheek.

I suddenly stopped and recalled the fresh scent of soap, followed by floral and cedar notes from our storm escapade.

This was one of his personal towels…

Why would he give me this...?  Was it a mistake...?

I contemplated chasing after him, but decided to accept his kind gesture instead.  I made sure to wash it before returning it to him.

“Thanks Kitten.” He said before taking it back and draping it over his shoulder.

“No problem.” I answered as I glanced about the room.  The buffet had already been cleared, and everyone was already finishing their meals.  “Umm…” I scratched my head. “Where’s… my lunch, Captain?”

He took a moment to finish his drink of tea. “Hidden in one of the titan training models outside.”

My jaw dropped. “Seriously?  Is this some sort of prank?”

“No.  It’s an exercise.”  He replied nonchalantly.

“It’s totally a prank!” I contested. “That’s something the cadets would do to each other! Why?! Why would you do that?”  I was tired, hungry, and losing my cool.  A headache was also beginning to make its appearance…

“Instead of complaining, why don’t you get to finding your food?” He said nonchalantly.

I grit my teeth, then balled my fists and left the building

I was beginning to hate that man. His sparse bouts of kindness weren't enough to levy his tireless rebounds of assholery.

 

* * *

 

“What the…?” Eld gasped as the Captain and company walked out to me, where I was sitting atop a completely severed titan head and finishing off the rest of my tea, which had gotten cold.

“Don’t tell me all the models ended up like this…” Gunther winced.

“All but one.” I replied confidently. “The odds were against me.” I fearlessly met the Captain’s angry stare.

“You weren’t supposed to defile the equipment.” He scolded.

“These are for titan-killing practice, right?” I asked as I pat the wooden slab. “This is how I kill titans.”

“Tch!  Look here, you little brat!  This is no way to treat our-” Oluo scolded just as the Captain held his arm out to invoke his silence.

“Get up, Vanteon.  You’re fighting Gunther first.” He ordered sternly.

 

* * *

 

I was then promptly flattened by every single squad member.  I tried using my anger to fuel my strength, but hand-to-hand combat remained my weakness.

“Ugh!” I cried out as Petra flipped me over her shoulder and onto the ground.

“Sorry, Bel!” she apologized, “Levi told us we’d better not hold back!”

‘First. Fucking. Name!’ I grunted silently to myself as I climbed back to my feet, pridefully declining her outstretched hand.

“You’re up, Gunther.” The Captain dared order.  Even Oluo seemed surprised.

“R-ready?" said Gunther as he rose his fists.

Why was he doing this to me…?

“Oh yeah!” I cried out and charged towards him, to which he easily flipped and subdued me.  That time, I just stayed down.  I didn’t even care if the Captain decided to out-asshole himself and kick me.  I was too tired…

… and in too much pain…?

“Umm…” Petra said timidly.

“Yeah yeah, I see it.” The Captain replied with a sigh.  He then bent down, enveloped me in one arm, and started carrying me back to headquarters. “You lucked out, Kitten.  Your sutures are dotted.”  I awkwardly hung there and bobbed along as he shifted my waist onto his hip.

“Is that what it’s gonna take from now on to get you to give me a break?”  I mumbled half under my breath.

He dropped me.

I got a mouthful of dirt mixed with the blood from my swelling cheek.

“Don’t even think about it.” He scolded.  I stood up and brushed myself off. “Fortunately for you, I’m going to be busy for the next couple weeks.  That doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.  I’ll be giving you assignments every morning and I’m gonna expect you to complete them by the end of the day.  You also have to complete your experimental designs ASAP so we can get on them. Understand?”

I perked up at his mention of my designs. “Yes, Sir!”

“Good.  Now go get yourself cleaned up.”


	15. Housewarming

Although I was looking forward to testing my theories in action, I dreaded the next couple weeks.  Every time I saw the Captain, I expected an exercise increase, new drills, new cleaning duties, or even shortened rations. He even went as far as to barge in just as I got in the shower and demand I shorten my routine.

"Vanteon!" He shouted and pulled back the curtain enough for me to shriek but not enough for water to splash out. He was wearing a blindfold, but knew exactly where the nozzle was. He must have cleaned this place way too often...

"You take way too fucking long in here! You're gonna take up my routine from now on "

"You're routine?! Does that mean I have to wash an imaginary dong?!" I snapped.

I don't know why I said it. Snappy remarks just seemed to come out whenever he startled me, regardless of the consequences it could potentially have on my life.

"... You're gonna pay for that later, Kitten." He said threateningly with an expression sufficiently livid enough to make me immediately regret my reflex, even with his eyes covered. "Now listen the fuck up!" He drilled with one hand on the nozzle and the other emphasizing his figures, "You're gonna take a ten-second rinse, another minute and a half to lather your shit up, and the last two minutes to rinse off your filth!" Although he was yelling, the curved ceilings revealed the enhanced fullness of his rugged voice. He sounded amazing. I couldn't avert my eyes from his lips as they moved pronouncedly to saturate his words with authority and purpose...

"You got that?! Ten!" He turned on the water's coldest setting and counted down the rest of my shower. After I stepped out and wrapped myself in a towel he threw at me, he whipped off the blindfold and crouched down to examine my legs. I clutched the towel and was about to jump away when he securely held onto the hem. I exploded in embarrassment.

"C-Captain?! What are you-?!" He held up a hand to silence me, then got up, opened a cabinet, and threw me a special blade.

"Keep a close shave everywhere it counts. It'll improve your crappy ODM performance. You have five minutes." He ordered before leaving the room. I slid down the wall and slumped over in front of the tub. I laid there mumbling for a while before wrapping up my hair, taking the blade, and doing as I was told. I began to miss my cadet days where you were brutally insulted every day, instead of being so intimately taken care of. Nothing prepared me for this kerfluckery...

"Pants off, Vanteon." I squealed and jumped at least a meter into the air as I passed the corner where he was waiting for me.

"W-what?!" I screeched in horror, preparing to strangle him with my towel.

"Don't flatter yourself, brat, I need to make sure you didn't cut yourself or just let the water run to make me think you were obeying me."

"I promise I did a good job! Damn!"

"Says the woman who impaled herself with her own corset bone!" He retorted as he began to kneel and reached for my pantleg.

I jumped out of his reach and tripped, dropping all my supplies from my arms. "Leave me alone!" I yelled before leaving my toiletries on the floor and making a mad sprint down the hall. I fortunately lost him, and returned to my room later that day after chores to find my things washed and neatly arranged on my vanity.

I guess that was his way of saying sorry.

 

* * *

 

I wasn't entirely sure why he was so harsh on my case. At first, he started with, "My gut feeling's telling me you'll die stupidly unless I do something about it." Unsatisfied with what seemed to be an insulting excuse, I asked him many times after that. Yet, he never told me anything further than, "I hate nothing more than senseless waste of life. If I don't watch your dumb ass, your recklessness will finish you off and you'll end up dead." Which was pretty much what Hange told me when we first met.

"What about the cadets?" I would ask him.

"You're worse than the cadets. You suffer from false Garrison experience," he retorted once, "Your rage is more dangerous than anything the other greenhorns have to deal with. Even when it comes to Eren." At first, he seemed really sincere with his reasons, claiming that Beau made him promise he’d look after me, and, even more insulting, in his manner, went as far to say he had to take my mother’s place. After that, he started getting really ridiculous. Annoyed by my pestering, he started throwing out a different reason every time I asked. Eventually, I started asking him just for fun:

“You’re a stronger magnet for disaster than Hange.”

“If I left you to your own devices, you’d manage to walk straight off the wall and non-coincidentally fall straight into the mouth of a titan.”

“You seem to be a titan’s favorite snack.”

“Aberrant people attract aberrant titans.  You know how much trouble I run into when I’m assigned an expedition position anywhere near Hange’s squad?  Too fucking much!”

“Your chronic daydreaming makes you an easy target for anything.  Even Armin could knock you out.”

“You’re the type of person that gets stepped on.”

“I hate pointless deaths, and you’re the most likely candidate.  I mean all the offense.”

“Your behavior’s worse than the brats.  You’re a baby in an adult’s body.”

“My sick dying mother was stronger than you.”

“I can’t believe you survived training, not to mention a year of Garrison service.”

“You suck more than the northern soldiers.”

“Your skill’s so pathetic, I almost sincerely want to cry.”

“Wall fucking Sina! Look alive, Kitten! Tch!”

“If I have to sweep in and save your ass one more time, it’s back in the can!”

Back in the can this, back in the can that; he never followed through, though.

I immediately stopped when he started imposing punishments every time I asked any more personal questions, though. One time, he had me scrub down the entire mess hall after dinner and supervised me the whole time. He was one shrewd man.

"Back straight, Vanteon!" he ordered an hour or so into my cleaning.

"Captain... I'm getting pretty tired...!" I complained. I was thankful for the knee support offered by my boots, but the heels of my palms were beginning to numb. He got up from his chair and loomed over me.

"Back. Straight." He hissed. His cravat waved before my face, wafting his fragrance into my nostrils.

"Ugh..." I pulled my core back in and strengthened my torso...

To which he sat down. Right on top of my back. I gasped and pushed up against the sudden weight.

"Hey..." I grumbled, momentarily stopping my scrubbing. He crossed his legs and lifted his feet off the floor.

"Keep going," he ordered as he audibly took a slurp of tea, "And don't rock me so much that I spill, or else more stable duty for you."

The senior officers took care of that!

Why me?!

“Why are you doing this to me?!” I exclaimed. I was about to complain about how even the cadets weren't being trained so harshly, but stopped myself after I realized they needed extra time to learn the long distance scouting formation. I also anticipated he would scold me for complaining, because I'd still try to save the wounded even if instructed otherwise. Thus, he had no choice but to kill the brakes and ensure his prison detour was worth the effort.

"For the last fucking time, use your scientific logistical reasoning to decode this,” he growled, most irritated by my complaining, “I hate nothing more than pointless deaths. The weak are always first to die. You are weak. Therefore, I hate you. Capisce?"

Ouch.

Even I wasn't ready to declare the mutual feeling yet.

I tensed up, ready to buck him off my back and make a break for it any minute. "Sheesh. Don't fucking spoil me with flattering words, Captain."

"It's in your best interest to make me not hate you. Got it?"

"I don't give a damn if you hate me or not."

"You will give a damn when people die because you're too fucking weak to rush and provide them the aid I know you're fully capable of giving! Am I wrong?"

"No, Sir." I said meekly.

"Am I fucking wrong?!" He instigated aggressively.

"No! Sir!" I shouted, creating a pronounced echo throughout the empty hall.

"See? I knew you had that fighting voice in you. You've got the bravery down. Now back it with real strength and keep scrubbing."

"Did you know that if you throw your L to the end of your name you get evil?"

"It's not a fucking coincidence, Kitten."

The next few hours were a cravat-wearing, tea-drinking, Captain-mounted hell.

 

* * *

 

"Maybe he just wanted to check out your ass, and got turned off when you got sloppy!" Hange joked when I complained to her late one night. I merely rolled my eyes. The Captain seemed the asexual type to me, if such a thing possibly existed amongst the spectrum of human nature.

An asexual, morbidly sadistic type.

 

* * *

 

When my mind was off my bettering exhaustion, I enjoyed getting to know the other soldiers. Everyone was lovably quirky, even Mike Zacharius, whom I reflexively flipped over when he sniffed me for the first time. Hange told me it was a strange habit of his, though I didn't give him enough time to react to my scent. She should have told me sooner, because the man ended up avoiding me whenever he could. I tried apologizing, but that didn't change him despite his acceptance. Perhaps I should learn his favorite smell and give him a gift of some sort to levy the discomfort.

Another person I ran into without a formal introduction was Hange's assistant, Moblit. I was returning from some chores when, like the Captain on my first day, I surprisingly found him in my room, unannounced.

"Um, excuse me, Sir, but-"

"A-ah! I'm so sorry!" He shrieked, as I ironically seemed to be the one who startled him, "I didn't mean to intrude! Your sketches just caught my eye and-"

I held up my hands, "No-no! It's ok! It was careless of me to leave my door open." I reassured, "Besides, the last time I found a man in my room, he had raided my intimates, so you’re good." Suddenly realizing what I had said, I abruptly held my hand out to him, "Private Bel Vanteon! It's nice to meet you!"

Catching onto my oversharing, he gave a shy smile and shook my hand. "M-moblit Berner... I'm the Fourth Squad's Second in Command..."

"Fourth Squad? That's Hange's regiment, right?"

"Yes! I'm her assistant."

"Ah, Sir!" I stammered as I gave him a stiff salute.

He gave a bashful smile, "Thank you, but please, just call me Moblit."

"Ok, Moblit." I said as I walked around him to retrieve my canteen. "So, you have an interest in sketching?"

"I do! It's a hobby of mine." He said as he procured a notebook quite similar to my own. "Lately, I've been just documenting Squad Leader Hange's test subjects, but if I can spare some time, I like to draw other things."

"May I?" I asked politely, extending both my hands.

"Ah, yes! Of course!" He agreed delightfully as he delicately handed me his research. Aside from Sonny and Bean, there were quite a few renditions of sceneries, soldiers, and animals.

"You're very talented, Moblit." I complemented as I gently flipped the pages.

"I wouldn't say that..." He replied shyly. "It's just a hobby that I can apply to work."

"All the more so! You get to incorporate something you enjoy into your work. It must make things much less stressful for you."

"Less... stressful...?" He questioned, suddenly clammy.

"A-are you ok?"

"I-I'm sorry! But I have to go!" He reclaimed his notebook and clumsily shoved it into his jacket. "Squad Leader Hange will be returning to the subjects any moment now!" Shaking my hand vigorously, he gave his last remark and was immediately gone. "The pleasure is all mine, Private Vanteon!"

His hands were sweaty and unnaturally warm.

"Aww..." I sighed to myself, "I wanna see the subjects..."

"Kitten!"

"Eeep!"

Moblit's afterimage was suddenly replaced by the Captain.

He needed a bell.

"Yes, Sir?!" I affirmed shakily, as I had emptied the last of my water down my face.

"What was that spazzy ass boozer doing here?" He asked with the tone of a scrutinizing father.

"Moblit? He was looking at my sketches."

"Oh really?"

"Yes..."

"Well, don't stick around him too long. Now that Hange's got test subjects, he's bound to get so fucking hammered, you could get drunk off his breath."

I tilted my head. "He's that heavy a drinker?" That could explain his exothermic aura.

"You would be too if you had to babysit Shitty Glasses twenty-four-fucking-seven." He stated, then jerked his head, "Now C'mon. You have shit to do."

"Yes, Sir." I affirmed as I followed him down the hall. Although it was a brief meeting, I took a a particular liking to Moblit. I looked forward to getting to know him better and paying my respects to the man with the hardest job in the Legion, perhaps even more challenging than being the Commander himself.

 

* * *

 

I also befriended Petra, who enlightened me as to how it was possible for Captain Levi to have known the thugs who killed my mother. From this I was able to discern why he was so angry during my trial: we're both survivors and thrivers from the underground. It must have struck a personal chord in him. Maybe I should try to be more understanding from then on.

Although I found myself extremely jealous of the beautiful comradeship and trust all the Scouts seemed to share, especially amongst the Levi squad, I remained optimistic that I would be included in their camaraderie someday. For the meantime, their interactions were completely foreign to me, as if everything was an inside joke I didn't understand. Such an incident occurred during a meeting when I was demonstrating some of my theories to a handful of soldiers.

"And so, in collaboration with Hange's observance that the body mass of a titan is surprisingly light, that may also mean that the bone structure is also not very dense..." I did my best to keep a convincing appearance as I walked around the room and drew diagrams on the board, "In humans, I have deduced through experience, that, even adults have a sort of 'pseudo fontanelle', otherwise known as a baby's soft spot," I stopped behind the Captain and gently placed my hand over his head, "What I mean is, this is a possible titan weak spot..." I trailed off as some of the Captain's squad members began whispering amongst themselves, and quickly carried on, "... this is a special area for humans... the hair here can tend to have a different feel than the rest... and amongst certain individuals, experience a pleasant, or sometimes drowsy-instilling sensation..." Petra giggled something to Oluo and Mike, Eld, and even Gunther couldn't seem to keep a straight face. I lifted my hand, "Ummm... any questions before I go on...?"

"No no no, Bel! Go on!" Hange nodded excitedly. The squad members were suddenly hushed.

"Ok! Well, in theory, titans may become vulnerable if we manipulate this spot. Individual titans will react differently to different types of stimuli. Possible stimuli can be stomping, rubbing, stabbing, perhaps shocking, etcetera, and possible responses can be increased delirium, drowsiness, agitation, or, preferably for our main purpose, death... but if we can test and confirm this theory, we can more effectively capture subjects with minimal casualties..."

I may never know what happened as I rubbed the Captain's head during that meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On tonight's episode of Wall Rose Roast, Bel's our roastee. Feel free to throw your 3rd degree burns into the comment section!


	16. It's Just a Spark

Before I knew it, I was explaining my experimental plans to the Captain, whom nodded along and even offered suggestions, although all more intuitive from experience rather than technical scientific design.

“Alright then, now that the headless titan dummies have been replaced, let’s do a quick run-through of the course.” He said dryly as he pulled me along by my harness.

That was new.

But I didn’t really care, because I was about to do something I was really good at, and he would have nothing to complain about. He might even praise me.

 

* * *

 

"I don't like your technique. It's a waste of energy." My pride shattered before I even recovered from my last swing.

"Says the man who twirls about the air like a ballerina on steroids." I retorted bitterly

"Who saved your ass by taking down four fucking titans with a single graceful fucking pirouette again?" He said with an extremely straight face that dared me to laugh.

"... You." I admitted.  The simple word took all my concentration to say without breaking out into a laugh. Graceful fucking pirouette... Heh heh...

"That's what I thought. Now let's work on this and maximize your efficiency. When you go in for the slice, make sure you torque your hips in the initial direction of spin. After you get going, it won't take much effort to maintain it because you'll have the gas to push you the rest of the way along. Also..."

Torque...

He said torque...

He brushed off Hange's scientific expositions all the time, appearing to be extremely annoyed by them...

But he knew the technicalities of physical laws, even if just by experience and applying names to sensations as he was exposed to them... and considering the Captain's disposition to only take seriously the things he was interested in or necessitated seriousness...

He must have a sincere interest in the technical...

We may be able to work well together after all, even if we don't get along very well...

He might even like me after all...

I covered my face in my hand to hide my smile and appear to look submerged in calculative thought as he continued his riveting explanations.

 

* * *

 

After applying his suggestions to my gear operation, I met him once again atop the starting branch, beaming with a confidence enough for praise.

"So.” He began, teasing my anticipation, “You can't fight people for shit, but you can more or less sweep a medium sized titan pretty well."

"Yeah... The little ones are hard to loop around." I said modestly despite the tireless smile I couldn’t shake.

"Yet, you were prepared to take on a family band of four with a fucked up blade too short to even help you wipe your ass and no gear." I frowned, expecting him to spoil my mood. His shit comment only put me more on edge. "You're brave, stupid, and weak."

And there it went.

I began to protest. "He-"

"I'm gonna make it my impossible mission to keep you brave and make you level-headed and strong, however impossible that may be.” He interrupted. “You're gonna have to trust me one hundred fucking percent if we're gonna make any progress, alright?”

I nodded my head eagerly. "Alright. I trust you completely."

"Good. Now jump off this cliff."

“What?”

“See that cliff over there?”

“Yeah.”

“Walk up to it, and jump off.”

I blinked. “Are you serious?”

“So serious.” He stated as he grabbed my harness, shot his grapple, and swung us towards the said cliff.

“Are you crazy?” I said as I moved to look over the edge to see nothing but a dense fog.

“Not so fast.” He yanked me back and tied a blindfold around my head. “Now, you’re crazy for not wanting to trust me.” I stood stiff as a board as he removed my equipment and guided me forward.

“W-wait!” I said in a fluster, grabbing at whatever article of his clothing I could reach, “Why are you making me do this? This the crazy Scout version of the lifeline-cutting drill?!”

"Never done that myself, but yeah, sure." Lucky bastard. "Now, when we’re out in titan territory,” he began to explain as he untangled my hand from what I assumed to be his hip guard, “Anything could happen, and the worst thing we could possibly do is panic and endanger the lives of our comrades.” He took me by the wrists and led me forward, to which I stepped cautiously. “The most important thing about being a Scout in such situations is to trust your superiors to make the right decisions.” He then spun me around, causing me to lose track of my original orientation. “When given the liberty to make your own decisions, your comrades will be at the mercy of it and will have to trust you’ll make the best one, as you will do for them.” He stopped me and I nodded along, understanding the significance of the exercise. “Now, make the choice you think you’ll regret the least.” He ordered firmly.

“What do I do now?” I asked.

“We’re out on an expedition and you’ve injured your eyes with titan steam. You're blind.  Titans are closing from behind us, and I’m telling you our safest exit is to your left.  Do you believe me?”

“Yes.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Now go! Haul ass!”

I turned towards my left and took off in a full sprint.  The ground came to an end and I was falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling?!

Why was I still falling?! What the hell-

Just as I was about to panic, I was enveloped by a pair of arms and lowered safely to the ground.

“Congratulations. You’ve completed the right of passage.” My blindfold was removed, and we were standing before a lake. From beneath its hazy canopy, it looked like a crystal-clear paradise.

It was breathtaking.

“Wow…” I gasped as I gazed in awe at the perfectly reflective surface. "This is beautiful! How come I've never seen it before?"

"Because..." he began as he folded away the blindfold, "You've been too busy-"

"Oh, right."

"-taking your shits."

I choked a laugh as I swept over the lake a second time. "How did the others do with this, 'rite of passage'?"

"They've never done it."

"What?"

"That was just for you."

"What!?" I caught a glimpse of a smirk as he launched his gear towards the cliff and lifted himself up. I tried to grab onto him to catch a ride up, but fell short and nearly tripped. "Hey! Almighty Prince of Douchery! What's good?!" I screamed up at his disappearing form from beneath the rock.  The fog was cleared by his trajectory.

"Well, I'm heading back to headquarters," he shouted nonchalantly as he waved my gear over the cliff to taunt me with, "Enjoy the lake, Kitten!"

"Captain! You can't leave me down here! Hey!" I yelled urgently. A rope was thrown down, but other than that, there was no other response. "Asshole..." I hissed as I pulled the rope through my harness and went to climbing out of the ravine.

 

* * *

 

"Where is he?!" I hollered as I slammed open the door into the commons. A group of cadets near the door tensed. "Jean!" I growled as I put a hand on his shoulder, "Have you seen the Captain?"

"No." He immediately responded, as if by script.

"How about you, Birdy?" I asked sweetly, despite the creepy grin I wore that certainly scared the tall but timid Bertholdt.

"N-no..." He replied timidly.

"Eren?" I asked.

"Nuh-uh."

"He's in his office." Mikasa blurted.

"Mikasa!" Eren whined. "We weren't supposed to tell!"

"He deserves whatever's gonna come to him." She stated bluntly.

"Thank you, Mikasa." I said as I turned and stomped up the stairs.

"If she dies, it's all your fault, Mikasa! Who else is gonna keep treating me after training?" I heard Eren yell from below.

"I will. Besides, he won't kill her." She replied.

"Captain!" I shouted as I flung open his door, "I'm here to return your rope! By throwing it around your fucking cravat-wearing neck!" I threatened.

"In here." He announced from the bathroom, "And I'd prefer you leave it outside."

I wrinkled a brow and draped the rope across his desk, deciding to piss him off with the dirt crumbs. "You... want me to wait until you're done in there?" I asked awkwardly.

"No, just come in." he said. I attempted to mentally prepare myself, but when I walked in, I found him  bent over the tub, testing the water with his elbow as if he were preparing it for a baby.

"Get in." He said as he flicked the droplets from his arm and started towards the door.

"Umm... what?"

"You've earned it. Now get your ass in there before I kick you out and use it myself." He placed a hand upon the doorknob. "... Take your time... I'll make sure no one bugs you."

And with that, he was gone.

Left me there, dumbfounded.

What the hell was wrong with that man?!

 

* * *

 

The following morning, I woke up earlier than the usual time the Captain came in to swipe my blankets and yell at me. Eager to go to the wall that day, I suited up and disembarked early, hauling along a satchel full of my drafts. The sky was just beginning to brighten with sunrise when I arrived at the station the Captain and I were to meet much later. I found a nice place to eat my breakfast, sat down, and watched the titans nearby mill around.

Not much happened... until I dropped my pencil down the edge of the wall. Not wanting to walk all the way back to get another one, I decided to go after it. I waited for the titans to clear, then jumped down the wall and lowered myself down to the grassy lawn below. Thankfully, the red color made it stand out against the grass and it didn't break on impact. As I wiped off the dirt, a fifteen meter titan appeared from around the building, followed by a much smaller one that was around three meters.

Guess it was time to go.

I was about to casually launch my grapple back up the wall when the fifteen meter suddenly decided to lunge in my direction. I made a narrow escape and retreated about thirty meters up the wall. The titan clumsily rose to its feet and began clawing up the wall in attempt to reach me.

"Feisty one, aren't you?" I said to it.

Instead of immediately going back up, something about the titan made me stay. As I observed its face, I noticed it looked a lot like Gabriel. I must have been losing my mind, because I took out my notepad and began drawing it. Halfway through the sketch, I noticed that the smaller titan had joined him. I closed my sketchbook and observed them some more. They were clearly aware of the other's presence, as they occasionally snarled and bumped into each other. I lowered myself a bit, so I was just barely out of the taller titan's reach. He stretched and stretched, but just couldn't seem to get to me. Occasionally, I teasingly nudged its fingertip with my boot.

"Why don't you get some help from your little friend?" I said to the titan, "You could let him have the first bite, then pass my ass and legs down to you..." I smiled to myself, thinking how foolish others may think of me, to be teasing and talking to a titan like that, but the question remained:

Why didn't the titans work together to reach me?

"Hey! Kitten! What the hell are you doing?!" yelled the Captain from above.

"Testing a theory!" I shouted back.

"Tch! You weren't supposed to start without me!" he scolded, then was immediately beside me, "Wall fucking Sina, Kitten!" He scolded as he grabbed my harness, "Release. Now." I frowned and released my grapples, allowing him to hoist me back up the wall. When we landed, he shoved me harshly inland. "Now, what the hell was that, Shitty Glasses: The Sequel?!"

"Have there been any reports of altruistic behavior amongst titans?"

"What? No."

"But there is eyewitness evidence of titans being able to learn, right?"

"Yes."

"Interesting..." I said to myself, "I wonder if they possess self-awareness..."

"So that was what the fuck you were doing hanging within titans' reach like the biggest dumbfuck to walk the surface since Nile fucking Dok? Shit. Now I know why Moblit drinks his ass off all the time."

I choked a laugh before explaining. "I was just barely out of reach! If the titans possessed some sort of self-awareness and the cognitive ability to problem-solve, the taller titan would have lifted the smaller titan to reach and eat me."

He just stared at me with a comedically dumbstruck face. I couldn't tell if he was confused by my explanation or still in awe of the reality I was stupid enough to even try it. I didn't know what else to do, so I just smiled.

He roughly whacked me upside the head. "Under no circumstances are you to go down the wall without my supervision. Alright? Don't ever fucking disobey me again, or I’ll personally hand-deliver you to the MPs. Got it?"

"Yes, Sir." I replied as I rubbed the spot.

"Good. Glad we have an understanding." He walked over to the watch station and motioned me in, "You can tell Hange about that later, but now it's down to business. I'm all yours the next couple hours, so don't waste my time."'

I almost skipped over to him.


	17. Nice Try, Kitten

Working with the Captain on my terms turned out to be amazing, however short our meetings went. His ODM skills were unreal, and he was able to expertly perform the maneuvers I outlined. When something didn't work, he made adjustments to my plan to make the end results I had in mind possible. The time I spent with the Captain became the highlight of my days, even though he always left me with a plethora of chores and drills.

I was nonetheless ecstatic, because I was following my dreams. I could revolutionize how future generations would handle titans, and I was studying them up close.

However... the Captain remained the Captain…

 

* * *

 

"Hey. Kitten," he said as he entered my study one afternoon, "I have to go out to town to take care of a few things, so I'll need you to take care of this for me." He ordered as he dropped a huge stack of paperwork on my desk. I was in the middle of writing out a titan circadian hypothesis for Hange to test on her next subjects. Sadly, Sonny and Bean had been killed by one of the cadets, which started a rumor of a traitor in our midst. I was afraid of being suspected, being pretty much the most suspicious person in the whole Legion, but was even more concerned about the cadets including the traitor themself. The only thing more tragic than a criminal was a child criminal...

 

* * *

 

I recalled how the Commander approached me the day of the crime. It happened while I was cleaning up the remaining equipment that held down the recently deceased titans.  The Captain thought… it’d be a good strengthening exercise. Without warning and without discretion, the Commander suddenly appeared behind me and nearly made me drop a bundle of iron stakes.

“Miss Vanteon,” he stated abruptly from a safe distance. Perhaps he recalled how I accidentally flipped Mike.  I didn’t even know how I did it.

“Y-yes, Commander?” I shifted my load in preparation to put it down for a salute, but he stopped me with a wave of his hand.

“In light of the recent happenings, who do you believe the enemy is?” He eyed me sternly, as if expecting a prompt answer.  After a moment’s hesitation, he stepped aside and looked off towards the other soldiers. “What do you see?”

I eyed the veterans. I eyed the recruits. I skimmed along the mixture of Garrison soldiers and few MPs.  Was I really in any position to point any fingers?  Nonetheless, it didn’t seem like I could refuse to give some sort of answer.  The Commander was waiting, and my arms were beginning to cry.

“I see… something really tragic… because the only person who could’ve pulled off such a crime… would be amongst the most innocent of all of us…”

In other words: definitely not me.

 

* * *

 

"That has nothing to do with me." I said, absorbed in my work.

"Do it," the Captain ordered.

"Why do I have to do it?"

"Because I'm your superior, and I said so."

I put my pencil down and turned to him, arms and legs crossed in defiance. "Well, that's a good justification!"

"I'm glad you agree," he replied, patting the stack, "Now get to it."

"Are you dead to sarcasm?"

"I am. I am so dead to sarcasm." He put down a pen and waltzed out of the room. "I expect that to be done by the time I return. If not, I'm going to assign you a new drill specially personalized by Yours Truly."

Fucker.

 

* * *

 

After I made sure he was gone, I groaned and carried the stack, along with my notes, down to Hange's lab.

"Hange! I need your help! I was working on a titan circadian hypothesis when Captain Shirker Bleach Cravat dumped all this shit on me."

"Haha! I can't even see you behind that huge stack of shit! What are you, five three?!" she joked. I admit I may have rose a bit onto my toes when my height was officially measured...

"Oh, so you're making fun of me because I'm five foot three?" I said as I walked up to her lab table, "Well guess what: you're five foot a bitch!" I shot back as I cleared a space with one arm and quickly dropped the papers.

"Well, you're five foot Levi's bitch!"

"Haha, very mature," I mocked sarcastically, "Now please? Can you help me with this?"

That ended up becoming my second nickname to the rest of the Scouting Legion. Five Three L. B. It was inevitable, but had a small perk because it made people believe I was a full inch taller than I actually was.

Teehee.

 

* * *

 

One night, after an especially intense training assignment, I caught a calculation mistake in the plans the Captain and I were set to test the next day. Since I had already debriefed him on the gist of it, I couldn't just skip it for the next one. We were also on a time crunch for approval so I could build the gear before the next expedition, and I didn't want to disappoint him.

I also just... had to correct it. I ended up staying up late for hours rewriting the entire design.

That wasn't my best idea, and yes, I should have known better.

But my tunnel vision had other ideas.

I ended up passing out in the middle of testing and waking up in the medical wing. The Captain's crossed legs were fuzzily visible in the corner of my eye.

"What the hell was that?"

"Umm... I stayed up late... and had shortened rations this morning... but it was my fault. My body's not used to-"

"Look, Kitten," he interrupted, "Tell you what. I know this training's taxing, but I had a month at most to condition you into a Scout. If you can't keep up with this, you'll die. You have to bear with me and-"

I jolted up and saluted him from my seated position. "I promise, Captain! I've been dreaming of being a Scout ever since I left the underground! Please don't lessen your drills! You have my absolute trust, Captain! From here on out, I promise I'll endure anything you ask of me!"

His eyes may have widened slightly as he stared, contemplating my loyalty. "Oh? Well, your tireless enthusiasm saves me any apologies." He stood up and went for the door. "Get dressed. I'll have you released early and straight after we leave, I have an assignment for you."

I beamed at him. "Thank you so much, Captain!"

"Meet me at our usual spot on the wall."

"Yes, Sir!" I affirmed as I threw my blankets aside. I shot out the door past him and grabbed my equipment, leaving him behind to fill out my paperwork. When I heard his gear discharging up the wall, I jumped up ecstatically and saluted. He remained in his landing crouch for a moment, peering at me from beneath the fringe. His eyes shone beautifully from behind their ebony curtain, like a pair of moons appearing between dissipating storm clouds. I felt myself shudder, and glanced away.

"Your assignment is to," he began as he walked over to me and gestured to the jotunheim beyond, "Kill a titan. Alone. I'll be watching, but treat this exercise as if you were alone."

I gulped. I hadn't killed a real titan since Trost... and in Trost…

"Any titan?" I asked.

"I'll isolate one for you," he said. His eyes fell on my gear. I covered the exposed coil with my hand. He scowled a wrinkled brow. "What the fuck are those?"

"Barbs..." I said sheepishly, "To keep the wire from slipping around the titan during maneuver number..."

"Gah..." he sighed as he dropped his head, crossed an arm, and pinched the bridge of his nose with the other.

"Umm... I know I didn’t get clearance yet, but-"

"The shit you haven't gotten clearance!"

"It works though! I promise! I tested it last night! I just had to make sure all the recalculations would be worth it!"

"Fucking..." He grit his teeth and leered at me. "Can't I leave you alone for more than a few hours at a time without you committing some sort of treason?!"

"I..." I frowned and dropped my head, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'll go back and switch it out real qui-"

"Use it."

"What?"

"I said fucking use that shit," he bellowed, "I'll trust you. Don't make me regret it, or it's-"

"Back in the can. I know."

"Tch. Damn straight," he replied crossly as he stepped towards the edge, "Wait for me."

 

* * *

 

I'd lost track of how much time I spent fighting that titan. He'd cleared the area and picked out a nine meter, which was now covered in scrapes and punctures healing in various stages.

"You know what?" he shouted down from atop a bell tower, "Forget the capture. Just execute."

I was getting pretty tired, so I agreed. I looped around its neck to turn it around, then kicked off the wall and initiated my spin. The flesh of its nape excised cleanly, and the titan fell to the ground. I jumped atop its head and eagerly looked up to the Captain's perch for a nod of approval.

"Not bad," he said as he stood up and procured his triggers, "You passed. Now let's get back up and figure out what's left of today's action plan." I did a little skip after him and joined him atop the roof. "Ready?" he asked.

"Ready." I affirmed. He led the way and I followed after him, tilting my head clear of the exhaust coming from his gear. I was feeling pretty excited and confident in myself. Although I would need much more practice, the gear functioned proficiently. This time next year, maybe, my designs could be made standard issue. Coupled with the Commander's new Scouting Formation, we could reduce the death toll by more than half.

Wouldn't that be great?

I looked up at the Captain. I had him to thank. I should do something nice for him.  Maybe I’ll do some shopping for him… or make him something… or do some extra chores…

He landed atop the wall and released his grapple from the launch post.

My turn.

I aimed and shot my gear, preparing to reel myself up and stick my landing. As I released the claw and reached for the edge of the wall, the wire suddenly went slack. My triggers wouldn't activate the gas. My toe slipped off the edge.

"Uh, ah!" I shrieked, futilely scrambling for something to hold as I fell.

"Bel!" The Captain called out as I was about to disappear from the edge. He lunged, but couldn't quite reach me. My silken red ribbon lifted before my face, along with stray strands of my hair when the Captain appeared behind it. "Hold on, Bel!" he screamed as he reached for my cable.

"No! Captain! Wait!" I screamed as I threw up my trigger and prepared to engage the gas manually.

But I was falling too fast.

"Tuck!" he ordered. I braced myself for the jerk and his hand closed around the barbed wire. I cringed when a drop of blood fell upon my cheek.

Shit.

"Ugh..." He winced. "Hang in there, Bel..."

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I wailed throughout the entire rescue. Immediately after he pulled me up, I clasped his hand to inspect the damage. He was extremely bloody. My eyes began to water. "I'm so sorry, Captain!" I sniffed as I gently washed off his hand with a nearby canteen of saline and quickly tied my handkerchief tightly around his palm to stop the bleeding for the meantime. "A-and I was just thinking about how wonderful you are for helping me and-"

"Whoa whoa whoa, calm down, you're getting hysterical." He held up his bandaged hand to silence me, I guess deciding that I had held it long enough. "It's alright. It's not your fault, but the equipment's."

I dropped my hands into my lap and looked away regretfully. "I... umm..."

His eyes sparkled with recall. "Oh, that’s right. You designed the equipment. It is your fault. Fuck you."

I lunged forward and braced my hands upon his knees to emphasize my urgency. "I'm so very extremely sorry, Captain! I'll do anything! Please don't take me back to jail-!"

"Don't touch me... I'm not sending you back..." He retched as he pushed me back with his foot. I landed on my rear. "You don't have to feel too bad about this, but..." he trailed as he stood up and inspected his hand. I detected a faint nod of approval. "I'll be giving you my own personal punishment."

I gulped, not knowing what to expect, but at least he wouldn't be able to punch me with his dominant hand.


	18. I’ve Got a Blank Space (and I’ll Write Your Name)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter's a joke I have no regrets making. <3

"This is my signature," he announced as he dropped a recent document before me.

I stared at it quizzically. "It's... very nice," I complemented. I had no idea what was in store for me, nor any idea why he brought me into an empty classroom.

"Eat your heart out," he sassed, "Yours is chicken scratch."

I furrowed my brows and frowned. "On second thought, it's needlessly pompous and indulgent."

"Hope you have a knack for the needlessly pompous and indulgent, because you're gonna have to learn it."

"What?"

"As you can see, my right hand's fucked up. Because of you," he said with a raised eyebrow, holding up his bandaged appendage, "Now, since you've rendered me compositionally handicapped, you're now responsible for my shitloads."

"Seriously? You're gonna use this as an excuse to get out of doing paperwork? Shouldn't you be a little more professional?"

"Shouldn't you be writing my name a hundred times before I kick you in the ass with my fully functional foot?" he volleyed, handing me a stick of chalk. After a sympathy-imposing glance to his hand, I swiped the chalk from him, studied his penmanship, then went to practicing.

 

* * *

 

I ended up filling up every single chalkboard within every conference room and classroom in the castle by the time he was satisfied with my mimicry. After an entire work day of filling out his paperwork, I found myself writing his name by muscle memory, even when I should have written my own.

"Alright. Time to see if you're good to hold a pen now," I said as I pushed aside what I hoped would be the last of his paperwork I'd have to do.

"Ok, you don't have to do my work anymore," he replied dryly, perhaps assuming that was the forefront of my concerns.

"I still need to check your healing," I said as I pulled out a small first aid kit from my pocket and wiped my hands with an antiseptic cloth.

"Fine..." he sighed as he turned his head and reluctantly held out his hand. I gently unwrapped the binding and inspected the cuts, gingerly tracing my fingertips along his skin and palping for any scar tissue. "Looks good... It didn't leave any permanent marks, thankfully..." I said as I observed his hand a second time.

And then a third time.

… A fourth time…?

I found myself in a trance. Something about his skin was... beautiful... while my brother had skin dotted with personality, the Captain's skin was... flawless... and immaculate... The Doctor's skin was spotted with age... My mother's as rough as dull sandpaper... He had the hands of an artist...

And they were surprisingly soft...

"So... you gonna let go of my fucking hand now?"

"Ah! Yes! Captain! Sorry!" I said embarrassedly as I frantically dropped his hand.

"Tch. Your bedside manner's lamentable. You sure you're a doctor?" I quickly went to putting away my things. I felt my breath becoming ragged. Was I about to cry...? "Hey, don't be a crybaby. I was joking."

I perked up and looked at him. "You were joking, Captain?"

He rose a brow. "Really? Yes. Believe it or not, I joke." He then got up and opened his door. "Now get out. I have shit to do."

 

* * *

 

Later that night, I was filing research papers with Hange.

"Yeah! Levi jokes all the time!" She said.

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"It's an acquired skill! You'll get the hang of it once you get to know him."

I dropped my head to the files and frowned. "I sure hope so, because that man gives me the shivers..."

"That's the impression a noob would get!"

"Is name-calling really necessary right now?"

"Why? It's your real name, Five Three L. B."

"Arg..."

 

* * *

 

The Captain and I were just about done testing designs. We even came up with one together, or rather, his funny comments about the titan's faces inspired me. It was a titan muzzle. The idea was for it to be loaded as a grapple, but given a special release. If a soldier came in from the side, he or she could fire one end behind the ear, preferably, then glide around the front of the titan, dispersing the rest of the cable netting and locking the jaw in place with an upwards maneuver by piling the closing end into the opposing side of the titan head. It seemed like a needlessly dangerous idea at first, but the Captain's suggestions thankfully made the idea more practical.  If done correctly, the titan would have a hard time getting out, opening a window of precious seconds for a clean and calculated nape excision.

No casualties needed.

It was a bittersweet feeling that the time the Captain and I were allotted to work together was coming to an end, but was a huge landmark to the advancing of my career. If I contributed enough, I could possibly be pardoned for my crimes. I would be allowed to see my mother.

The optimism was shattered by a blank space in one of my data tables, where I almost habitually wrote the Captain's name.

Missing data...

No fucking way.

I snatched up the file and ran into the Captain's office, bursting into the room without knocking. He was visibly upset about that, but this was urgent.

Urgent enough for him to deny.

Left with no other arguments, I resorted to whining like a child. "Captain, please~"

"I already said no. I have shitloads to do today."

"But all I have to do is test this technique on a ten to thirteen meter titan to receive approval for the next expedition! It won't take long! I promise!"

He abruptly stood up, having had enough of my voice, and pushed me towards the door. "I can only handle one crazy titan scientist at a time, and your turn is up! Now get out!" He opened the door to his office and tried to shut me out, but I jammed my foot in the door. The pain comedically amplified via my face.

"Oww..."

"It's your own fucking fault you forgot to jot it down last time we went out!"

"I know, but this is important to me...!" I turned and mumbled, "... if it was in a three to five meter range, I would've went by myself but..."

He sighed heavily, relaxing the giant vein that threatened to explode from his temple. "Enough with the mumbling. I can't fucking hear you, not that I care about any other arguments you're gonna throw at me. No means no. Now get out."

"No."

"Persistent fucking brat..." He left the door open and was about to walk over to his desk. I ran past him, vaulted over his desk, and landed in his chair. "Are you fucking kidding me?! Kitten?!" He bursted with annoyance. "Out of my fucking chair!"

I calmly held up my hand. "Five minutes. That's all I need from you."

He stared at me grimly. With each step filled with the draining of his patience, he abruptly slid me out of his chair and sat down.

I could feel the pronounced upturning of my brows as I stared up at him with pleading eyes. I shifted my weight to my hands, tilted my head, and tucked my chin. "Please... Captain...?"  His pupils glanced at me through his periphery, then returned to the papers he was sorting.

"Stop staring at me with that fucking face, or I'll break it."

I couldn't give up yet. I pushed up onto my knees and peered over his desk. "I'll make it up to you, I promise...!" He merely tickled my nose with the end of his quill and continued writing. I turned and gave it a rub to negate the reflexive sensation to sneeze, then sat back on my heels to observe him, searching for an outlet for him to cave.

"I know you're trying to scheme something. Save us both time and forget it," he grumbled monotonously.

I stayed put and watched the pendulum of the small clock on his desk sway back and forth. How far was I willing to test his limits...?

I gulped.

This was important. I needed him to facilitate my approval at any cost. Not only was the chance to see my mother again on the line, but the future of humanity. I couldn't let my little blunder hold me back, even if the Captain killed me for it.

I took a deep breath...

… crawled beneath the corner of his desk…

... and wrapped myself around his calves.

I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the impact of his rage, but he remained still aside from crossing his ankles, which allowed me to hold him even tighter.

He didn't say a single word.

I stayed there under his desk until I fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

"Oi. Kitten."

"Mmmhrmgh..."

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry! It was necessary!" I blurted, only half awake and groggy from my nap beneath his desk atop his feet. He'd rolled me over and scooted back in his chair, with a rolled up document outstretched. So that's what was hitting me...

"Here's your fucking approval," he muttered, smacking me with it one last time before I opened my eyes enough to finally take it from him.

"Ok! I'll suit up super-fast and meet you outside!"

"It's already been done."

"Huh?"

"You need to be much more efficient with your sleep," he scolded, "Once you were out, nothing I did would wake you up, so I just went and took care of it myself."

"Why didn't you just throw water on me or something? Like the surprise baths you give Hange?" I sassed as I unrolled the document, expecting to see a half-assed collection I couldn't even use.

"You're under my fucking desk. Do you really think I'd make that kind of mess in my office?"

"Haha, no... Sir..." I trailed off as I read his work.

It was surprisingly precise.

He'd done much more than I needed.

He even used extra significant digits!

My jaw dropped.

"Captain... I don't know what to say... this is awesome..."

"Say thank you and get out. For the last fucking time."

"Right! Thank you so much, Captain!" I blurted as I scrambled to my feet and ran to the front of his desk to offer him a proper salute.

"My fucking pleasure," he grunted sarcastically, "You'd better not come back and ask me to go out there again. We're done. Understand?" I nodded firmly, maintaining eye contact with him as he rested his cheek against his fist. Not wanting to take up anymore of his time, I excused myself and turned to leave. "And Kitten?"

"Yes?"

"About what you said earlier." He sighed and took up his pen. "If you ever go out alone, I'll break both your legs and you can kiss your service goodbye. I don't care how desperate you are. My word's final."

"Yes, Sir," I replied with a huge grin as I left his office.  After shutting the door, I unfolded the report again to get a better look.

He signed it “Kitten”.


	19. Falling Slowly

I was able to relax a bit for the next couple days, as my final report was coming together and I no longer had to worry about being prompt to early morning appointments with the Captain. He even stopped waking me up with his glorious bugle calls, a.k.a. yelling at me whilst jerking my blankets and exposing me to the frigid morning air, every morning, which was rather nice. I was able to wake up calmly on my own now, thank goodness. Since I had recently been starting my days peacefully, I was even finding small pleasures in doing my assigned chores.

I had just finished weeding the property line, and sat up upon an open window to catch my breath. The bright cerulean of the early afternoon sky was speckled with scattered puffs of clouds that blended into its canvas like the back of a roan-coated horse. I leaned back on my hands and took a deep breath, closing my eyes and taking a deep inhale of the clear, crisp and open air.

"Kitten." I flinched in surprise. I didn't even hear his footsteps as the Captain approached me from the inside. He was suddenly right beside me.

"A-ah, Sir! I wasn't slacking! I was just taking a break! I promise!" I whipped my handkerchief from my head and was about to stand back up. "I'll go straight back to-"

His hand then pulled my harness and I was back down to my seated position. "Stay."

I stared at him inquisitively. "You don't... want to assign me to another job?"

"Is it so odd that I just want to sit and have a little chat with my junior?" he said plainly as he joined me on the windowsill.

I shifted nervously to give him as much space as possible. "No, it's just unusual..."

"Unusual for you," he stated bluntly. He crossed his legs with an elegant poise and rested his opposing elbow upon his knee to support his jaw with his fist. His eyes glazed over my face from beneath the shadows the high sun casted over his face through his hair, revealing a sleek shine of radiance. "As you were," he ordered, noticing my stiffness. I made the attempt to relax and draped my handkerchief over my lap. Perhaps my point of view was limited. Now that I thought of it, he did spent much more time around his other squad members, as I was always out doing other jobs and extra training. I only saw him while he was mediating my drills. Even when it was just the two of us doing research together, he maintained a strictly professional attitude for the most part, and shrugged off nearly my every attempt at small talk. I hadn't seen much of his casual, less harshly authoritative persona. It was something only his immediate colleagues experienced...

"Umm..." I began in an effort to ease the heavy atmosphere, "Did I do something wrong, Captain?"

"No." I tilted my head ever so slightly in an attempt to implore his elaboration.

"Do you want me too... make you some tea?"

"No."

"Splash Hange with some warm, soapy water?"

"No."

"Do some paperwork?"

"No."

"Watch the cadets?"

"Fucking-" He was about to get angry with me, but held himself back and without warning...

Dropped his head against my shoulder.

"C-captain?!" I tensed, as if the largest bee in the world had landed on me and I was going to get stung.

"Shut up..." he moaned. His hot breath washed upon my skin like the morning sunrise after an algid night. "And just... stay still for a minute."

I shivered.

It was like seeing a lenticular cloud, or finding a four-leafed clover. Just the other day, I was wondering what he was like around his friends and here he was... just lying there against me... taking a break of some short... seeming completely vulnerable…

I turned my head to try and get a better look at him, when I was suddenly aware that I wasn't breathing. I gasped loudly, and waves of the scent of his hair came crashing into my senses like a wrecking ball. I never fell so hard in mortification as I lost my balance and went crashing into the garden in a choking fit.

"I didn't say you couldn't breathe!" The Captain scolded.

"I'm sorry! I was just so unprepared! You just suddenly came up to me and-"

"Are you alright?"

"Huh?" He leaned over the windowsill and peered into my face. "I said: are you alright?"

"Y-yes..." I finally stammered. His cravat grazed my raised knee as he pulled himself back in.

"Good. Now get back to work and shower before dinner. You're filthy."

"Yes... Sir..." I dusted myself off and continued tending to the garden as I sorted my thoughts about the Captain.

 

* * *

 

The Captain.

I knew so little about him, but everything he did tended to run through my mind all the time. When getting to know closed book people, you have to delve deeper than those who are more of an open book. Even ostensibly opened book people may be showing misinformation. When it came to people like the Captain, it's important to search for clues where it would be difficult for a human to hide. For example, the eyes. No one can control the unmistakable glint that comes with appeasement, even if you can manage to stoicize your expression. The Captain's eyes brighten when he's pleased with a junior’s cleaning, tea, and other jobs well done. They also seem to soften, even if ever so slightly, when he's observing the cadets. Those are present signs. Past signs are apparent in one's habitual body language. The Captain's expression is a more or less constant one that fluctuates only slightly in magnitude. The way he maintains this gentle but constant wrinkling of his brows conveys the impression that he's been long done with the nonsense of the world. Perhaps even, he was conditioned into doing so since the most impressionable stage of his life. It also gives away his age, as this expression reveals that he may be much older than he looks. On first glance, he appears to be in his twenties, but upon closer inspection, he may very well be older than thirty. His maturity is also revealed by the way he looks at his subordinates when they're unaware of his attention. Traumatic nostalgia could without a doubt be at work when he gazes in such a way. It made me wonder how he looked at me when I wasn’t looking, even.

His habitually crossed arms showed more than discomfort or discontent. He's clearly unwilling to allow anyone access to his personal thoughts. One of the things most quirky about him, though, was his way of holding cups. I couldn't come to any conclusions. It countered his preferences of cleanliness, as touching the rims with his fingers had the potential to transfer germs to his mouth unless he kept track of the places he touched and the spot he drinks from at all times. His habit of removing gloves with his teeth also contradicted his aversion to contagions. He does bite from what would be the cleanest region, near the wrist, but he nonetheless seemed to ignore the better way. He didn't seem to use his teeth as a multitool for hard objects, though, so I decided not to bring it to his attention. Cotton gloves are soft enough objects to not be too bad, but... maybe if I offer him assistance next time, I'll learn something.

One of the other things that perplexed me was his cravat. As a strictly professional soldier, one would think that he would preoccupy himself with things that strictly adhere to the purpose of fighting, especially when it came to potentially burdensome attire. Of course, one cannot ignore the fact that he is human. Thus, his cravat must hold personal significance. Maybe, if I live long enough, I'll earn the pleasure of learning such things about him. On the other hand, it may just be something as simple as fashionable preference. Whatever it was, I remained curious.

He also had... somewhat full lips. I often caught myself staring at them, to my utter embarrassment, especially when he spoke or shouted. I couldn't help but be captivated by the way they curved and were emphasized by his habitual pouts. It made me wonder what texture they were... soft...? Like his hands…? Rough...? Like his voice…? I may never know, and discovering such a thing probably wasn't worth my life, which I would undoubtedly lose if I dared touch them. Most likely.

"Don't. Levi." A commanding voice suddenly spoke from the window, however subtle.

I froze.

"Calm yourself, Erwin," said the Captain, "I won't. I don't have the time to be fussing over a woman."

I looked back towards the window to see the undercut heads of both men walking down the hall.

I thought he left a long time ago, but he had stayed there... watching me? What were they talking about...?

Although I was concerned, I convinced myself their conversation was none of my business, and cleaned up.

 

* * *

 

I spent the rest of the night finishing off my report, tired and weary, but nonetheless eager to finish and confident the Captain and I had sufficiently met all the requirements to perform authorized modifications to a prototype gear.

Grapple release: check.

Muzzle: check.

Reinforced wire: check.

Spear-headed blade replacements: check.

Modified sheath: check.

Extra coils: check.

Extra grapples: check.

Barbed wire: made sure to quadruple-check.

Finally, confidence...

Confidence...

Confidence.

Fuck...

Fuck...!

Fuck!

I was off by too many points! This couldn't be happening!

I reviewed everything and scoured our data for any possible alternatives. Humanity depended on insights like this! I couldn't fail! I couldn't!

But there was no way out. I couldn't get the numbers close enough.

Shit...

I slumped into my chair, resolved to get out of prison in some other way, and wrote out a resignation report to turn in the next morning in place of successful results.

"Come in," sounded the low and authoritative voice from within the Captain's office. I took a deep breath and entered, gently resting the paperwork on the front of his desk and timidly pushing it forward. I could make out his crossed ankles from the corner of my vision, but couldn't raise my head enough to look him in the eye.

"I'd... like you to sign the request for the termination of my operation, Captain," I stated weakly.

I heard the papers in his hand being lowered, and the pair of boots disappeared from my periphery.

"Kitten..." he stated.

I merely nodded. He sighed audibly and the creaking sounds of his desk chair righting itself back to the vertical position echoed against the high-sloped ceiling of his office.

"Kitten," he said firmly.

"... Yes?" I said lowly. He got up and reached over his desk. His hand landed upon my head and the slight pressure tilted my neck, forcing me to meet his eyes.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you," he ordered.

Our faces were so proximal, that the faint aroma of tea drifted from his breath to my senses. His fingers must have felt the suddenly profound pulsing of the veins in my neck, as they reverberated through my skull.

"Yes, Sir," I responded.

"Good," he affirmed. As he released me, his fingers gingerly rose the base of my braid and traversed its length to bring it in front of my shoulder as he sat down. "Sit."

I did as I was told, nervously fidgeting with the end of my ribbon.

"Why are you giving up?" he asked with a dainty cross of his knees that peeked above the horizon of his desk. I gulped.

"My ideas are failing more often than expected. My confidence intervals are also low. Not enough progress was made for the sufficient amount of success necessary for these practices to be considered promising. And-"

"Hold up. Before you start throwing numbers at me, answer my question."

"I was just getting to that. In order to be considered minimally effective, we would need a success rate of about-"

"The fuck did I just finish saying, Kitten? Answer the real question!"

"What do you mean?"

"Tch, dense brat."

"Hey. That was uncalled for."

"What do you need?"

"Just your signature, and that'll be all-"

"No! I meant what do you need to meet the confidence... whatever-the-fuck. What's throwing it off?"

I flipped open the report and made a quick glance. "Err... I'm not sure... These are just my final numbers..."

"Can you figure it out?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. Do that as soon as you can, then get back to me."

"But Sir, even if I did that right away, we'd need at least a couple days to rerun the tests and-"

"I'll do it in one."

"Isn't today supposed to be your day off though-?"

He abruptly got up and leaned over his desk. His cravat nearly brushed my face from my seated position.

"Do you know why I pulled you out of the slam, Kitten?"

"To... help your squad..."

"Yeah, and what made me think you could actually do that?"

"Umm... I don't know... I hadn't yet proven myself to you..."

"Wrong again." He gently knocked my head back with the heel of his palm.

"Owwu..."

"C’mon. That didn't hurt," he grunted, yet gently rubbed the spot with his thumb and continued, "You're fucking smart, Kitten, and innovative. You may not have the energy for drawn out fights like the others, but you're so brave and shit, you don't even need that. You're quick and intuitive, with an initiative and tenacity that doesn't fucking quit..." He gently pulled me forward by the shoulder to emphasize the sincerity in his usually dull and disinterested, but now deep eyes. "I'm not afraid of Zackley. He can kiss my ass if he has a problem with us taking a little more time if we need it. I'll buy us all the time we need. Now," he said as he leaned in even closer, "You're gonna crunch those numbers, gear up, and meet me on the wall. Depending on what we accomplish, you're gonna tweak the shit out of those data sets, alright?"

My eyes began to water with tears of happiness. The Captain had so much faith in me and was willing to go so far... I couldn't disappoint him this time!

"Thank you so much, Captain...!" I squealed whilst holding back every fiber of my being that wanted to squeeze him to death.

Instead, I found myself awkwardly hanging onto his cravat.

We both looked down at my hands, his still wrapped around my braid.

"Don't even think about wiping your snot on that. Don't you still have your brother's handkerchief?" he sassed.

I glanced at his hand, then back at him. He'd done the same, and locked eye contact with me. I suddenly felt feverish.

After a few awkward seconds, we both dropped our holds on each other and stood back up. I straightened out my hair and he adjusted his cravat.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" he said after clearing his throat.

"Right! Sorry!" I said as I reached for my report.

He swiped it from my reach and quickly tossed it into his fireplace.

I froze in place as the corners began to blacken and curl.

"What was that for?! What if-?!"

"Now you can't fail me no matter what," he replied smugly, "Now go."

"Yes, Sir!" I replied with a firm salute and left the room in haste.


	20. And They Will Hold You Down

I massaged my joints as I walked down the echoing stone halls on the way to breakfast the next day after a successful round of rampant data collection and interpretation. My hand was incredibly sore from writing nonstop nearly the entire night.

"Vanteon." The Captain appeared from around the corner and started walking towards me.

"Yes, Sir!" I replied with a startled jump and a salute.

"Your clumsy ass boyfriend is here," he said dryly. I beamed at him.

"Thank you, Captain!" I ran past him and made my way to the front gates.

"Leo!" I cried as I flung my arms around him and he spun me around. "Sorry about your nose, again!" I joked.

"Bel! It's good to see you!" He smiled excitedly. "And don't worry about it. See? The bandage is off!" He playfully poked at his nose. “Plus, your mother’s totally safe!”

I breathed a sigh of relief. "I trust you have other good news?"

“Err…” His expression faltered as he shook his head. "Not really-" He was cut off by his rumbling stomach. I giggled and took his hand.

"Ok then, let's go inside and I'll share my breakfast with you!" He smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his head as I led him towards the dining room. “How’s she been doing?”

“She’s doing alright.” He scratched his head. “Sometimes thinks I’m your brother, though.”

I couldn’t help but smile slightly.  She saw just what I saw, even if she wasn’t all together. “Has she…?” I began.

“No, she hasn’t had any panic attacks.  On the off-chance she asks about you, though, I’ve been telling her you were busy training cadets.” He smiled as well. “It makes her happy to hear.”

“Thank goodness…” I sighed, “Maybe it’s a good thing I’m not around… gives her a chance to calm down instead of freak out every time she thinks I’m this Dmitri person…”

“Hey, hey, hey, don’t talk like that,” he said softly, “She’ll recover soon enough and you’ll be able to see her home in no time.”

“Thank you for all you’ve done, Leo,” I said sincerely as we entered the dining hall.

He smiled brightly. “Of course, and I’ll keep doing!” he reassured as I brought my tray to an empty table near a window.

"This is all you get?" He raised an eyebrow as he stared at my overly modest helping.

"Yeah, the Captain's been giving me the ringer..." I pulled my roll in half and handed him one. He was too hungry to refuse. I bet he skipped both dinner and breakfast to make it out to me by daybreak. "But I trust him, though, since it's very important training!" I excitedly downed a spoonful of tasteless oatmeal. "Hey, did you know? The Scouts are on an entirely different level! They're amazing super soldiers, even the new recruits! The majority of the cream of the crop this year chose the Scouts!"

"Yeah, I know..." he commented, stuffing the entire roll into his mouth and downing it in a couple chews. He then swallowed and looked me over. "You're looking real different, Bel. You'd better be getting more food into your system. Wouldn't want you passing out or anything."

I sheepishly averted my eyes. "Well... It doesn't happen... that often..." He nearly choked.

"Are you serious?! He works you that hard?!" He furrowed his brows angrily. "You know how many brain cells you can kill doing that?"

I tilted my head, forgetting whether or not it was possible at the moment. "At least I'm still smarter than you." I joked lightly

He rolled his eyes and slammed his fist on the table. "I don't give a fuck! I will fight that tiny Captain any time, any place!"

"Shsh!" I stood up and slammed his forehead into the table. I then glanced at the Captain, who looked up at us from across the hall momentarily, then went back to drinking his tea.

"Ow..." he groaned as I sat back down, "I liked Garrison Bel better..."

"We went how long without you saying that?" I downed the rest of my food and took a sip of tea, "Damn it Leo, if you don't shut up about that, he's gonna kick your ass so hard you'll forget what it's for!"

He gave a light laugh and ate my half of the bread roll. "In other news," he began, "Ethan Allende was murdered."

My eyes widened. "My prosecutor? How?" I recalled his slight trembling as he read his script in the courtroom.

"So far, no one knows. No suspects. No clues. It was the cleanest execution the MP's had ever seen."

I lowered my eyes to my empty bowl and thought hard. What could have happened to him? Was he set up? I swallowed fearfully. Leo caught on.

"Hey, watch this." He stood up on the bench and leaned out the window over our table.

"Wait! Leo! You're gonna get dirt on the table!" I exasperated as I swiftly pulled out a clean handkerchief. He ignored me, stuck his fingers into the corners of his mouth, and began whistling a song. He kept his balance as six long and beautiful notes descended upon each other. The wind carried his sounds far out into the trees.

"Ah, here she is!" He held out his hand and brought a bird into the room. I panicked and jumped up to shield it from the Captain's view.

"He's gonna see you! You know how much dirt it could track in?" My panic faltered as he began stroking the little grey bird. It nuzzled its little head against his fingers. It was so cute...! "Aww! A mockingbird!" I sat down and ran a finger gently down its back.

"It took days of planning for me to find an opening to get here, and the trip was a little more than inconspicuous, so it'll be better if I use this guy..." he said. His tone lowered in disappointment. "It sucks... but I'll keep you up to date with everything I find." He threw the bird out the window.

"Hey!" I reached out for it dejectedly. "I wasn't done petting her..."

"Call her back!" he said, "Remember the song I just did?" I pushed him out of the way and lifted a knee to the table. The fresh morning air felt good on my face. I rose my thumb and index finger to my lips and mimicked the song. I giggled triumphantly when the bird flew back into my hands.

"There ya go!" Leo playfully slapped my back. "See? Wasn't so hard." I sat back down with the bird in my hands.

"She's already holding something..." I noticed. A small roll of paper was secured to one of her legs.

"Open it!" He said as he took the bird and held out its leg for me. I carefully untied the knot and rolled out the paper. It was a drawing of our old group, albeit a pretty poor representation. I made out the little caricatures of Rolo, Cinnie, Gabriel, CJ, Leo, and I from the long strip of paper. My mother appeared in the last fold. Her smile was huge, her eyes bright, and her skirt billowed with detail.

"You asshole..." I began to cry.

"You're welcome," he stated with a kind smile and released the bird back into the lustrous morning sky, "I'm not as good as you, but thought you'd like to see everyone."

"Kitten." I jumped and fell backward with the sudden appearance of the Captain. I sprung back up and saluted him just as fast.

"Captain!" I replied at attention.

"Your time with your scumbag Garrison friend is up. Clean this table." He ordered lowly as he impatiently patted the edge. He seemed to be eyeing Leo ever so slightly.

"Yes Sir!" I complied. I piled my dishes at the end of the table and began scooping up the crumbs.

"Kitten...?" Leo mumbled. Oh no. He abruptly stood up and mad dogged the Captain, who didn't budge an inch and remained glaring up at him with his arms folded.

"What do you want, you filthy shit?" he exhorted.

"I challenge you to a fight, Captain Levi!" he announced proudly. My hands smacked onto my face. He did it. That dumbass had finally done it.

"Oh, is that so?" The Captain sneered as he loosened his cravat, "I'll make you regret me taking you up on that."

Oh shit.

He was actually serious.

Jaws dropped across the room and a crowd of dumbstruck soldiers formed as they walked towards the spacious area of the hall. I noticed a few exchanges of bets. Leo and the Captain didn't break eye contact as they stared each other down.

"Everyone dismissed! Vanteon, keep scrubbing!" The Captain ordered as he pushed back a table single-handedly, "And Eren! Eat your tiny ass trees!" I shifted my eyes to the mischievous green-eyed boy, whom attempted to dump his small bowl of broccoli into the trash. I stifled a giggle. I came to have a soft spot for the little boy who could transform into a titan. I enjoyed working with him and Hange every chance I got.

The crowd reluctantly dispersed and Leo put up his dukes.

"Whenever you're ready, scumbag," growled the Captain.

"I'm gonna flatten you, midget!" Leo shouted as he threw the first punch.

"Watch who you're calling midget, dumbass!" I chastised as I began swiping the dirt off the table.

 

* * *

 

"They've been fighting for hours!" I complained to Hange as I joined her on the castle steps. Since the two boys were still going at it, everyone grabbed their lunch and ate outside. A good number of them exchanged and gave away portions from bets. It wasn't a matter of who they thought was going to win: they were betting on how long Leo was going to last.

"Men will be men!" Hange sang, taking a bite out of her sandwich.

"They're not being men..." a laid-back woman named Simone chimed in, "They're acting like a couple of hormonal teenage boys fighting over a girl!"

I nearly choked on my last bite as she completed her comment. A loud thud was heard from within, followed by Leo shouting, "I'm up! C'mon!"

"Your boyfriend's persistent!" Petra chirped as she joined us.

"He's not my boyfriend..." I droned as I took a sip from my canteen. It was none of her business, but I felt I should clear it up.

"Really? That's what Captain Levi says!" another girl named Emma chimed in.

"We all know he's gonna say whatever he wants. Has he ever referred to paperwork as anything other than shitload?" I replied. The smiling faces around me shook their heads.

"Leo, was it?" an older man named Nietzsche began, "I think it's about time you went back in there to pacify the sparring gentlemen."

"Nietzsche, you fucking coot," a tall, red-headed man named Johannes spat, “One more minute and I’ll be scoring a day of Klaus’s fucking officer rations. You better not jinx it.” His closest companion, a slighter man named Kant, snickered behind his mug.

"Yes," Oluo sneered, "That weak brat's most likely at his breaking point by now."

I stood up and placed my cup on the step. "With all due respect, Section Leader Oluo, Leo is not weak."

"Tch!" He sneered as he upturned his nose. I wrapped up half my sandwich and jogged up the steps.

"Will you stop trying to act like Captain Levi! It's getting really annoying!" Petra scolded as I opened the door to the ridiculous scene.

 

* * *

 

Leo was drenched in sweat, had a bloody nose, and repeated little else than attacking maneuvers that helped him off the ground. The Captain appeared not to have even broken a sweat.

"That's enough, Leo! You proved your point..." I yelled out to the rumbling men.

"Not... yet...!" he grunted beneath Levi's heel, which was pushing back his jaw as Leo fruitlessly struggled. He was obviously exhausted.

"The brat's right... He hasn't had enough yet..." The sinister Captain growled sadistically.

"I'm not done until I land at least one hit...!" he choked from beneath the supple leather.

"Pathetic. Kitten over there puts up a better fight than you."

"I believe it! She's one bad bitch! You don't have to treat her so harshly!" I smiled a bit as he stood up for me, despite being completely dominated at the moment.  Yet still a pained one.

"Well, I did train her myself... and..." Levi leaned forward to whisper something into Leo's ear, which quickly pissed him off.

I brushed past him and helped Leo up before he could retort.

"If you don't go now, you won't have time to rest before going back to work, Leo." I pressed a cloth to his nose and he took over the pinching.

"It's alright. I had today off..." he replied nasally.

"C'mon, I'll lend you my horse..." I groaned as I shoved my sandwich into his pocket and led him outside.

"That's ok, I liked the walk." He finished wiping his nose and returned my handkerchief.

"All the way? Are you crazy?!" I shouted. He affectionately ran his hand through my hair and back to my cheek.

"Yes," he replied softly before kissing my cheek goodbye. He then frowned. "I don't like the way he treats you and calls you Kitten..."

"What did he say?" I asked.

He hesitated, then angrily looked back towards the building. I turned my head to see the Captain leaning beside a window from the inside. "Something along the lines of you... being his bitch..."

Crap. Guess he decoded my new nickname. I'll kill Hange for this. "You meant that as a compliment, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but...!” He scrunched his shoulders and clawed his hands toward his face like a hysterical housewife. “I don't know if he did! And regardless! That's something only I'm allowed to do...!"

I sighed and smiled at him. "Grow up, Leo... We're allowed to have other friends."

"I don't wanna grow up... I'm gonna keep holding a grudge against that guy... just because I can," he pouted.

I sighed. "Alright, but remember. We're soldiers, and good superiors have to be harsh. It's their way of showing their love: toughening you up so you don't die to something tougher. He seems to do many unnecessary things, but... It helps me learn about him... how dedicated he is…" I grinned mischievously, "So I can overthrow his dictatorial regime later! He thinks I'm his bitch now, but the tides are gonna turn so fast!"

"You're gonna rise above Humanity's Strongest Soldier..." he mocked playfully as he happily ruffled my hair, "Go for it."

"You still sure about that walk?"

"Positive. I liked the trip."

"Alright," I surrendered with a tilt of my head, "Be safe, Leo."

"You too, Bel."

I returned to the building, where the Captain was waiting.

"That was a long ass goodbye," he remarked crudely, "Why didn't you two just pass by your room on the way out. I almost lost my breakfast watching you two canoodle."

"That wasn't canoodling, Captain," I stated matter of factly, "Besides, you didn't have to force yourself to watch if it made you sick."

"Someone had to make sure you weren't gonna take off with him."

"Let me make something clear, Captain. I have no romantic interest in nor history with that man. We've been good friends for a long time and we're going to keep it that way, whether it makes you sick or not."

"You say that as if I give a fuck."

"You say that as if you're not relieved that you took the chance of delving into my personal life, Captain."

"... Go fucking... wash something."

"Yes, Sir." I rogered as I turned and made my way into the kitchen. I sank down the door to recover from the adrenaline spike that became of my sassy remark. It was too brave of me, but just came out even more quickly than I could process. I splashed some cold water on my face and went to work.


	21. Reverse Velleity

"The gear's not built for maneuvers like that," commented the Captain as he glazed over the notes Hange and I wrote from over my shoulder that night. His fringe tickled my cheek. I tensed and exhaled raggedly when he pulled back. I heard him take a sip of his tea. The hot liquid orchestrated a subtle symphony through his pursed lips. "You're gonna get yourself killed, Bel. That's not what we went over." I shuddered. He usually didn't call me by my first name. Last time he did so was when I almost plunged sixty meters to my death.

"That's why we need you to talk to Erwin!" Hange said.

"Tch, why do I have to talk to Commander Shit Brows?" he complained, "And Kitten? I thought you took care of it already!"

"He's been so into the new plan, he hasn't been listening to anyone else!" she explained for me. He pulled out the chair next to me and crossed his legs.

"Not my problem, fucking four eyes," he grumbled. She tossed a crumpled up paper into his tea. Rage rippled his veins as he violently stood up.

"What the fuck was that for?!"

"Get Bel to Erwin!" she repeated angrily, "We're running out of time! She needs to finish before the expedition!" Yikes. She was even more terrifying than the Captain.

"Tch! Fine!" he grabbed me by the arm and stomped me towards the door, knocking over both our chairs in the process. "Clean that shit up!" he shouted at her before leaving the room.

 

* * *

 

His fingers remained securely wrapped around my upper arm as we walked down the halls. His irritated scowl remained plastered on his face.

"Captain? Umm..." It was awkward to walk with him holding onto me so tightly. I tapped my hand onto his to request he let go. He faltered his expression and released me.

"Erwin! I'm coming in!" he announced without waiting for a confirmation.

"Not now, Levi," the Commander was bending over a large canvas and scribbling away intensely, "I need to finish this up."

"Too bad." The Captain reached back for me and pushed me forward. His gesture was much more gentle than usual. "Shit's important." He closed the door behind him and leaned against it. Commander Erwin sighed, put down his ruler and pencil, then looked at me. I suddenly got stage fright from his authoritative gaze and looked to the Captain for support. He only cocked his head and shooed me forward.

"Ah, Private Bel Vanteon," the Commander took initiative, "I apologize for not taking the time to personally welcome you to the Survey Corps. As you can see, " he glanced over my shoulder at Levi, "I've had my hands full preparing for the next operation." He gave me a salute, which took me by surprise, "I'm deeply grateful you decided to join us, Private Vanteon. You have my ultimate respect and I look forward to the pleasure of having you beside us on the field."

I fumbled into a clumsy salute, "The pleasure is all mine! Commander Erwin! I'm honored to serve Humanity’s victory!"

He gave me the motion to relax and sat down. I shifted to attention.

"What brings you to my office, Private Vanteon?" he inquired.

"I'm here to ask formal permission to modify my 3DM gear, Sir!" I procured the final plans from my jacket and handed them over. He began scanning the contents. After a few seconds, he looked back at me.

"So you, Levi, and Hange all had a hand in this?"

"Yes, Sir! Officer Moblit assisted as well!"

"Very well." He took one of the papers and handed the rest back to me. "I can request clearance for the grapple release modification and spare coils. We don't have enough time for the other plans." He signed the bottom, then slipped it back into my pile. "Take the confirmation to Zackley's office first thing tomorrow morning for the records, then feel free to take the rest of the day off. You've earned it."

I beamed happily. "Thank you so much, Commander Erwin!" I reached out and shook his hand excitedly, to his unexpectation.

"No, thank you for your contributions to further our technology, Private Vanteon." He smiled awkwardly.

"Alright we're done here." The Captain cut my celebration short and opened the door. "Let's go." I smiled at the Commander again before turning away.

"Oh!" I turned back. "I have one more request, Commander Erwin!"

"Yes?" he replied, taking back up his pencil and ruler again.

"I'd like to request my position be moved to the rear of the formation, Commander, near the medical cart."

"I see. " He reached for the eraser amongst his other writing utensils. "That's admirably ambitious of you. Are there any techniques you wish not to try on this expedition, Private Vanteon?"

"Aside from the things I cannot do without further modification to my gear, no, Sir." I affirmed. The Captain fake-coughed.

"Very well." He erased my name and rewrote it in the position I requested, then motioned for me to look. "Request granted."

"Thank you very much, Commander Erwin!" I said with a salute and stopped mid-turn. "Oh, may I also give my furlough to Captain Levi, please?" The Commander blinked in surprise.

Before he could respond, the Captain grabbed my harness and dragged me out. "There's no need for that, now c'mon." I saluted as best I could and smiled sheepishly until he shut the door behind us. "Jeeze. Don't be a kiss-ass, Kitten."

"I didn't mean it like that..." I said softly as he led me along. We walked silently for a little while before he finally spoke.

"So you're gonna just up and leave my squad?" he complained.

"You didn't stop me," I argued, "With all due respect, Captain, I feel it to be the best use of my abilities. The rear is the most convenient place to save the wounded, as it is the center of retreat from the frontlines," I explained, "That's where any surviving wounded are most likely to go, even if the formation falls apart, and I want to be there for them. Also, we should be expecting the heaviest damage to take place in the rear once we near our objective. Besides," I said with a small smile, "I'll be right behind you the whole time." He clicked his tongue.

"With all due respect, Kitten. Fuck you." he almost whined as he ran a hand through his hair and childishly stuck his tongue out at me.

But he didn't look like a child.

With the way his tongue curled ever so slightly through his parted lips, and his eyes retained their serious light beneath hooded lids, he portrayed a sense of flirtation...

It was concupiscent, to say the least.

Even with only a tiny amount of commitment in his gesture and despite the foreign discomfort he subjected me to, his decision to joke with me lit my heart. I flushed and chuckled awkwardly, then went straight to making preparations. I was among the few who were aware of what was going to happen during the upcoming outing, as suspicious as I may have seemed. I was willing to show my gratitude of their trust by preserving as much life as possible on the front.

 

* * *

 

A few hours into my work later that night, I realized how many people were going to die in order to capture a titan, presumably one with intelligence and the intent of kidnapping Eren.

Should I have stayed with the rest of Captain Levi's squad? Or would I really do better guarding the posterior flank? I flipped a marked circular blade that was to be a new component of my gear. Posterior flank it was.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, I rose bright and early and made my trip to the capitol. Although met with initial resistance and skepticism, I was granted a one-time visitor's pass to the hospital. Excited to see my mother, I left right away and took some shortcuts through the streets.

"My Bella Mia..." she greeted weakly from her bed. She knew who I was. I ran up to her and instantly threw my arms around her frail shoulders.

"How are they treating you, Ma?"

"Don't worry about me! I'm fine!" She said in her usually bright tone. "Plus, the doctor's really cute!" I caught the tears before they could fall down my face.

"It's good to see you like this," I said, taking a seat beside her on her bed.

"Enough about me!" she chirped, sitting up cross-legged like a child, "How are the babies you're training! How precious are they? How're your friends? Are there any hunks in the military? Are they treating you justly? Have you kicked any ass? Have you met a hot military policeman to get us a place in the palace?!"

"Mom! Please!"

"Oh right, silly me!" She grabbed me in a loving and exciting chokehold. "You don't need a man to move you up in rank! You're a strong, independent woman who needs no man! That's my girl!"

I was so happy to have my mother back with me in that moment. I was very lucky to be seeing her as herself before the expedition.

It could have been the last time.

 

* * *

 

We talked for hours. I told her about the cadets, my comrades, and my research, taking care not to reveal any details that could upset her, especially my crimes and sentencing to the Scouting Legion.

I did, however, let slip my work with the Captain, which made her think.

"Hmm..." she began, "Hmm..." she continued, "Hmm..."

I playfully hit her with a pillow. "C'mon! I know he sounds horrible, but he's really not that bad!"

She caught the pillow and hit me back with it. "I see that!" She laughed. "But he's just..."

"What?"

"So short!"

"Why does that matter?!"

"Size does matter!" I clasped an embarrassed hand to my face. "Wait, there's a way to tell. What's his shoe size?"

"Mother! Enough! It's not like that anyways!"

"Yeah, you're right. Best not to get close to a Scout, Bella Mia, you don't want to be left a widow. Even if he is Humanity's Strongest, he's not invincible."

I maintained a straight face and gave her a faint nod. There was a knock at the door.

"Ms. Vanteon, " a nurse said as she came in, "Your time's almost up. I'll be back in a few minutes with your mother's lunch."

"Thank you." I said. She then closed the door.

"Hope she brings butter this time!" My mother said as she crossed her fingers.

I gazed upon her face, burning her smile into my memory. I wasn't going to let this be the last time I saw that smile.

I was going to survive this expedition, clear my name...

And make my father pay.

"Hey, Ma?" I began to ask. "Can you tell me about tea?"

 

* * *

 

I spent the rest of my day off on an adventure within Mithras' many markets, endeavoring to find the perfect tea blend to gift the Captain.

"Hey, Captain. Think fast." I called out as I lobbed him the slight aluminum canister.

His eyes widened with the subtlest of delight after he caught it. "What's this?"

"Just a perfect little blend of the best black teas Wall Sina has to offer: strong and smooth Ceylon, malty and robust Assam, deep burgundy-noted Keemun, and floral and fruity Darjeeling to tie it all together."

The tiniest bit of drool just may have escaped the small corner of his mouth as he listened intently to my exposition. "Where'd you get it?"

"It's a secret."

"I don't think I like the sound of that."

"Fine then. Don't drink the tea."

"That's... not what I meant."

"I know." I affirmed with a wink.

"Tch. Don't wink at me," he mumbled as he gently flipped the lid and sniffed the contents. He rose his eyes. "You're gonna tell me where you got this."

"What? Commander Erwin? You need me? Be right there!"

"Oi! You're getting back to me on that, you fucking liar!" he called out as I made my escape.

 

* * *

 

I ended up bringing my gear work to the supply warehouse, since I began to grow tired of traveling back and forth for spare parts. My plans outlined exactly how much of everything I needed, but no scientific formula that I was aware of could calculate precisely how many times and how badly I would mess up. Before I knew it, night had fallen and I had accidentally skipped dinner.

"Thought I'd find you here, Kitten," said the Captain as he walked in and hung his lantern on a hook, "In the fourth place I'd think to look."

"Hello, Captain," I responded without looking up from my work, "What were the first, second, and third places?"

"Making a mess of your room..." He mulled, holding up a finger as he crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway. "Taking a shit…” He rose a sharp eyebrow. “… Taking a long walk off the edge of the wall..."

"Fucking tool..." I spat.

"What?" Oh shit. I did it again.

"-Box! I meant, pass me the toolbox...!" I uttered, trying to save myself. "Please?"

"Tch. Keep your tools within reach from now on," he grumbled as he slid the wooden box in my direction with his foot.

I sighed in relief.

I accidentally insulted the Captain under my breath and survived to live another day. I grabbed an alternate wrench and started using it to seal my deal.

"So..." he said as he took a knee beside me, "I didn't know you had an eye for teas."

"I don't. I just memorized the descriptions from the market to freak you out."

"You son of a-" He cut himself off as I began to giggle.

"By the way. You owe me an answer, Kitten," he said as he procured the tin from his jacket pocket and held it up, "Unfortunately for you, I couldn't figure it out myself, so you're gonna have to tell me."

"Oh?" I looked up and held a hand to my ear, as if receiving a call from the distance, “Commander Pixes? There's unfinished business I've got to take care of? Be right there!"

"Oh no you don't!" He jerked my harness back as I jumped my workstation on the floor and attempted to run for the door.

"Uwaa!" I was pulled back by my hip guard and sent to the ground. My chance of escape was immediately eliminated, as the Captain had me pinned to the floor. Deja vu...

"One more time: where did you get this?"

"I... er... accidentally mixed a few blends together... and it turned out good... so... I thought I'd share it with you..."

He stared at me for a moment, as all I could do was give him an awkward smile.

"More," he said bluntly.

"Huh?"

"Your little mix up just made you my own personal barista."

"What?"

"Is that a protest I hear?"

"... No."

"Good," he said in satisfaction as he let me back up, "That settles it for the both of us. Hope you remember the exact ratios, because I'm going to be expecting a full kettle in my office four times a day: one after every meal and another at midnight."

"Are you kidding me?"

"Did I fucking stutter?"

"Jeeze..." I threw my head back in despair. "You must spend all day pissing theoflavins..."

He twitched an eyebrow. "The fuck is that?"

"Nothing!"

"That's what I thought, Kitten Maid."

"Kitten Maid?"

"What? You want a special uniform, too?" He turned and brought his hand to his chin. “I’m thinking a black dress, apron, and ears and a tail…” My jaw dropped. "Might be hard to convince Erwin to toss that into the budget, but I could probably convince him if I make you in charge of all the tea..."

"Absolutely not!" I squealed as I buried into my hands lobster-faced.

"Heh." I shot up at the sound he made, but no trace of it was left on his face. "This brings me back," he began, "To the first time I witnessed a crime of yours. Or rather…was a victim to your thievery…"

I glanced at our predicament and remembered the dimly lit shed, the makeshift 3DMG workstation, the green Scout issue cloak on a rusty brass hook. "You ended up giving it to me, anyways." I pointed out.

"Did you really expect me not to replace it after all that time? How poor do you think we are?"

"Poor enough not to be able to give newbies officer-grade rations?"

"Gives them something to work for," he joked, "With that kind of prize, I expect that Sasha girl to become a Squad Leader faster than Eren turned into a titan to pick up his spoon."

"Oh right, Hange told me about that. I wish I could've seen it!"

"You would've if you stayed in my squad."

"Nuh-uh, if I recall correctly, that happened recently after I got here."

He cleared his throat and glanced away. "You would've seen it if you weren't too busy taking a shit," he reiterated.

"Staying classy, I see."

"Always," he remarked, retrieving his lantern, "I went through the trouble of keeping Sasha off your dinner, so put your toys away and hurry back before you go to bed hungry and pass out again, because next time I'm just gonna leave you to the birds."

"Yes, Sir..." I sighed as I packed my things.


	22. Supererogatory

The last couple days before the expedition was spent running the cadets through some last minute drills. Everybody was outside, even the Commander, who deemed it important for all the senior officers to get acquainted with the cadets. I watched from the sidelines with Hange as she took notes on the cadets' sparring sessions with the active scouts.

"They're pretty good," I acknowledged.

"Yup! We're very lucky this year!" she exclaimed as she scribbled comments excitedly.

"Jean's girl is especially amazing..." I gawked. "She's flooring nearly everybody."

"Jean's girl?"

"Mikasa's her name, I think. Jean's the little brother of one of my late comrades."

"Ah, I see. I'm sorry to hear," she replied sincerely.

"He complained a lot that she only has eyes for Eren, though," I said, dodging the tears that surely would've came from acknowledging the sentiment, "He's lucky to have someone like her, especially since she's so strong."

"Maybe you should ask her for pointers," she chirped, "Since you can hardly last the first ten seconds of a match on your feet."

"Well, the Captain's a beast. I don't think anybody can." I sighed, glancing down at him, whom was in the middle of a match with Eren. The poor boy didn't stand a chance.

"Why are you staring at him like that?" she said with a nudge.

"How? With my eyes? That's what they're for, no?"

"Tsk, tsk Bel!" She winked, to which I just stuck my tongue out at her.

"So what's the rest of her story?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Mikasa Ackerman," Hange said, adjusting her goggles, "She had a mother from a nearly extinct lineage from the East..."

I unconsciously tuned her out as I watched Mikasa's movements more closely.

Something wasn't right.

When the Captain took his leave to sit upon a bench near the Commander, she followed.

I put a hand on my holster as she walked over to an idle titan model, which was propped up a distance behind him. The Captain was soon engaged in conversation with the Commander.

"Captain! Look out!" I cried out as I saw her kick out the support. I ran to his rescue, shooting my grapple into its head and pulling it away from him with a quick jerk. Everyone was quieted by the sudden commotion. I looked to the Captain, who was moderately caught off guard, but alright. I then immediately turned to the girl with a scowl. "Recruit Ackerman!" I marched towards her with balled fists. I didn't know what came over me, but I was extremely pissed. "What the hell was that?! You almost hit the Captain!" I stopped an arm's length distance from her.

"It was an accident," she replied coolly.

"Bullshit! I saw you kick the wedge!"

"For a senior, you're pretty quick to jump to biased conclusions," she remarked.

"Listen here! Until now, I've had no reason to-"

"Hey, hey, easy now!" said Hange as she ran between us to pacify our increasingly aggressive postures, "No one got hurt! That's the important thing!"

"No thanks to her..." I snarled.

"Bel! Why don't I walk you back to headquarters while Levi organizes a clean-up, ok?" she insisted, shoving the clipboard into my hands.

I took a deep breath and backed away. "Sure. I'll take care of it," I said as I returned to headquarters, but not before giving the girl another glance of warning.

 

* * *

 

"Didn't you hear a word I said about that girl?" she scolded, "She was spared even though she threatened to kill in order to protect Eren, because they say she's worth a thousand soldiers."

"I don't care if she's worth a million. I won't tolerate her-" I suddenly stopped myself.

What was I talking about?

I suddenly felt ashamed as I filed the report. I was so willing to fight that girl over something that didn't concern the difference between life and death. That titan model was only three meters. It wouldn't have hurt the Captain that badly...

What had gotten into me...? I usually think about the other person before becoming defensive. Was she angry with the Captain because she thought he was being too rough with Eren? But it was a sparring match... Was there something else...?

I resolved to put the incident behind me. I couldn't let it distract me from my work, nor should I let it happen again.

We had an expedition to prepare for.

 

* * *

 

"So... what do you think of the Officers, Armin?" said Reiner as I passed by the dining room during afterhours, followed by what sounded like a slap on the back and a tiny yelp from the slight blonde. I didn't intend to eavesdrop, so I kept on walking.

"I think... Officer Vanteon might have feelings for the Captain," Armin admitted after linking his thoughts in the air. The eyes of the rest of the boys in the hall were glued to him, so I was able to make a safe retreat behind the corner.

"How do you know?" questioned Connie, who was trying to balance a spoon on his nose. My heart leapt with endearment. Adorable boys...

"When she stood up to Mikasa, she looked at her the same way Mikasa looked at Captain Levi during Eren's-"

"What's the point of bringing up something like that right now?" Eren retorted angrily as he threw an arm over his chair.

"What is it Eren? Still scared of the shorty's death glare?" Jean snickered.

"And you're not?" Eren retorted, "You would be the first one to get his ass handed to him for forgetting to dust the banners, Horse Face," Eren sneered. I smiled as the candlelight flickered beside the shelter of my palm.

Jean was immediately on him. "You fucking piece of titan shit! You just think you're all high and mighty because you have Mikasa all doting all over you all the time!"

"Oww! What the fuck are you talking about?! Let go of my shirt!"

"What, did Mikasa give it to you, Dickless Shit Monger?!"

"Hey, guys!" Bertholdt got up, attempting to quell the bickering with words, "C'mon! Captain Levi's gonna kill you two if you make a mess in here, and you know it!" I gulped.

"Right after I shove Jean-bo's face up a horse's ass where it belongs!" Eren yelled as the two wrestled each other to the floor.

I was about to run to their aid when Mikasa flung open the door.

"Officer Vanteon!" she called out to me, "Eren?"  I jerked a thumb towards the direction of the rambunctious boys and she hastily broke up the fight. I sighed, relieved that she handled the situation. I picked up the candle and was about to leave when she stopped me, a rebelling Eren slung over her left shoulder. "Officer Vanteon?" she questioned, giving me a half-salute with her free hand.

"Yes, Mikasa?" I replied with a returning salute and a stiff smile.

"Put me down, Mikasa! Damn!" Eren growled. Without as much as batting an eyelash, she dropped him to the floor and firmly stomped her heel upon his boot to keep him from running back into the fight.

"I'm sorry about the way I acted. It was childish," she said sincerely as Eren futilely tried to push her unyielding form away.

"Don't worry about it; you acted out of love," I said to her. A faint blush singed her cheeks as she pulled up her muffler.

"We're family," she stated above Eren's harsh grunting obscenities. I smiled warmly.

"I know. Take care of him," I said with a wink.

"I don't need her taking care of me-wah!" cried Eren as he was again scooped up.

"Of course," Mikasa affirmed proudly as she carried him outside. She was followed by Armin, who saluted me before following in her footsteps. I glanced back towards the remaining boys, whose conversation shifted to further roasting poor Jean. CJ would have loved to see this...

I swallowed a few tears before running up to my room for my gear.

 

* * *

 

The endlessly starry sky greeted me as I found myself perched above the wall, where I shed a few overdue tears for my friends. As I finally looked up, a few of them seemed to twinkle, as if for me, before becoming obscured by the dispersing clouds.

"Take care of him..." I whispered into the evening sky.

Just before I was about to drift, the sound of a grapple jolted me alert. I snapped my head in the direction of the noise to see the Captain land gracefully atop the wall. His hair and clothing defied gravity for the small amount of time he spent at the height of his descent. Noticing that I had stared at him a little too long, I jumped up and saluted him.

"Put your fucking hand down, Kitten," he grumbled.

"Well, excuse me for exercising respect for my Captain," I retorted, shifting my salute into crossed arms and turning back around to my prior position atop a stray piece of elevator equipment. I jumped with a start as he joined me, perched off the edge.

"Thanks for watching my back earlier today," he said after a few minutes of silence.

"You were completely helpless and mesmerized by the Commander's eyebrows. I couldn't just turn a blind eye to that deer blinded by those bushy headlights."

"Hmph," he replied with a chuckle and the faintest trace of a smile, "You're alright, Kitten."

"You're not bad for a classy and sadistically venomous Captain like yourself."

"Heh, flattery like that's gonna get you nowhere," he said lightly. He met me with a wink when I looked at him, so I quickly turned back away.

"So... you didn't give up your post-dinner tea party just to come follow me up here, did you?"

"Right... I need your help... with some stuff."

"Sounds pretty shady, Captain."

He choked out another breath. "Now you're just flattering yourself, Private."

"You're the one asking me for help with 'some stuff'..." I air quoted.

"Alright, enough. Come help me with my shitloads before I report you for insubordination and have you thrown back into the slammer."

"Don't you have any new threats?"

"Alright. Come sign some shit before I appoint you as Erwin's personal manscaper."

I nearly choked on my saliva as I got up. "Aye Sir!" I giggled as I followed him down the wall and back into headquarters.


	23. The 57th

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse me as I shamelessly name characters after scientists and philosophers, as well as make obscure references to their accomplishments.

"Give 'em hell, Commander Erwin!"

"Look! It's Captain Levi!"

"Viva La Guillotina!"

"Bring them home!"

"The titans have been cleared from the area!"

The crowds roared with excitement as Commander Erwin signaled the opening of the gates. I took a deep breath. The 57th expedition would be my first outing. The gate of Karanes opened and the front squads drew their swords and sounded a battle cry before moving out. I unsheathed and followed, kicking my heels to the horses sides.

We made our way past the ruined city as the Support Squadron sailed back and forth over our heads like a protective canopy. My Team Leader urged I focus my attention ahead and continue ahead as stray titans were slain left and right. Since I changed positions rather abruptly, I didn't have the time to get as acquainted with my squad as I would have liked, but they were a lively bunch.

 

* * *

 

Immanuel Kant and Johannes Kierkegaard shared a tight bromance, if I've no other way to explain it. They reminded me of Rolo and Gabriel. Team Leader Friedrich Nietzsche was an older man and considered the 'gramps' of the group. He often settled our childish disputes, and planned to retire as a Veterinary Officer after the next expedition. Sergeant Amedeo Avogadro, whom identified himself as a progressive Wallist, was to take over after him. He was a huge family man as well, and had a six children. Emma was much like Cinnie: girly but full of likable character and liked getting her hands dirty if it meant making fun of the others. Simone took a particular liking to me, and had no verbal filter whatsoever. I had a difficult time trying to convince her that I wasn't too fond of her advances. As retaliation, she enjoyed speculating about the supposed romantic tension between the Captain and I.

It was just a little while after becoming comfortable in my new group that the Captain began giving me the cold shoulder. He was such a child, making sure it was known to the whole legion that he was bothered by something.

And what else could I do, but play along?

"Look at that asshole, sitting all daintily and munching his stupid crackers and holding his tea by the fucking rim like he owns the place," I grumbled to Emma.

"Are you finding everything he does offensive?" Kant giggled.

"No," I denied.

"Uh-huh!" Emma contested, "You complained about the way he walks yesterday!"

"He waddles like he has a stick up his ass! Doesn't anyone else see that?" I contested, frustrated, "And who balls their fists like that? C'mon."

"Uh... no. It's just you," Johan said matter of factly.

"Seriously?!"

"Ah, young love!" Nietzsche sighed through his moustache, "So full of youthful passion!"

"Gramps, can you not?" I requested dejectedly, to which laughter broke from the quintuplet faces around me.

Johan wiped his tears and spewed between laughs, "If you ask me, he's just-"

It seemed our table was getting a little noisy, as our banter earned a glance from the devil we'd been speaking of.

"What? No one asked me? Alright! I'll shut up!" Johan said, dodging the bullet that was the Captain's glare to quiet down.

"What? Scared of Captain Boot-to-the-Face over there?" I smirked.

"You want him," Simone finally said to me. I nearly choked. "You want him so bad you don't even know what to do with yourself."

"Oh please! That guy!?" I said disgustedly.

"Well, the lion guy doesn't seem to be your type," Emma stated smartly.

"Leo," I corrected.

"You're so hot for him," Simone continued, "You so wished you were that table he was wiping down the other day. You want him to sweep your chimney. Dust your shelves. Do your dishes. Polish your silverware."

"You're so fucking disgusting Simone!" I said, not being able to tolerate her innuendos any longer, "I don't want him to do anything to me!"

"Except you want him to everything to you," chuckled Johan.

"Keh! Seriously? I mean, look at his cravat! Ugh. The way it just barely covers his laryngeal prominence makes me wanna yank it."

"That's what she said," Kant whispered.

"Kant!" I growled. Emma was luckily too busy giggling to contribute. "Fuck all of you!"

"That's what she-" I gave him a sharp nudge with his elbow. I couldn't tell if the tears were from the hit or the laughing. It was probably both.

"Alright children, that's enough," Nietzsche finally said.

"Thank! You!" I said, throwing up my arms and sulking into my chair.

"... Fluff your pillows." Simone whispered into my ear, to which I kicked her off the bench.

"If you don't knock it off, you're the first one I'm gonna demote when I move up in rank," I threatened.

"Seriously? Before me, noobie?" she challenged.

"Who knows? Maybe my engineering will earn me a spot next to Squad Leader Hange!"

"Engineering?" Johannes jumped in, "That's just hustling mid-air!"

Kant choked a laugh. "Oh no! A titan! Better dance around it instead of just taking it down!"

I snarled at him, "Now look here you lanky shit."

"Oh no! The signal flare's requesting back up! I'll be there right after I cha-cha real smooth!" Emma added to the roast.

"Oh look! That titan looks like Captain Levi! I'm gonna go tie him up! Then I'm gonna be all, 'Oh! Eat me, Captain Levi'!" Simone mocked.

"Ha. Ha. Ha." I surrendered to their teasing and made fun of their laughs before hiding my face. They were even more brutal than my Garrison squad, and we insulted each other so much we had a habit of throwing each other the most unreal obscenities whenever we passed each other by on duty. It freaked everyone else out how we could be so wild then back to professional airs just as quick. Antics like this brought back the bittersweet memories. The new squad was vicious, but altogether, they welcomed me into their group with open arms and treated me as if I wasn't even new, something the Captain's squad didn't do. That's what I liked most about my new team...

 

* * *

 

"Remember Vanteon!" Team Leader Avogadro called out to me, "You're not like the rookies! You have more experience! Set the example for them!" he urged.

"Yes, Sir!" I confirmed.

Just as I did so, a Support Squadron Scout lost his footing and a ten meter titan fell into our formation, cutting off my squad from the rest of the group.

"Quick! Everybody around!" ordered Avogadro as he turned into the adjacent street. I stopped before the soldier before following.

"Are you ok?" I shouted up at him.

"Yeah! Go before you get left behind!" he shouted back at me from atop the steaming carcass. I turned my horse and instigated a gallop to catch up to my squad.

"Get ready to jump! Debris up ahead!" Avogadro warned. My squadmates ahead of me relayed the message and we prepared to guide our horses through the rubble. We caught up with the rest of the battalion just as Erwin ordered the formation.

"Take care, Team Leader!" I shouted to Avogadro as I veered towards my position.

"Remember! Stay in sight, Vanteon!" The rest of my squad departed as well. I wished safety to them all.

I gazed at the open air. The sky was a vast shade of blue reaching far beyond the ends of my periphery. I could follow the clouds without having to just watch them disappear over the concrete horizons of human civilization. It was wonderful. I gave my regards to my mother and fallen friends as I stared in awe.

Red flares arose from my right. Commander Erwin signaled the change in course before it was my turn to shoot the flare. It appeared to happen without conflict. The formation continued for a while without any visible setbacks. So far and as far as I could tell, the left side of the front was safe.

Charcoal signals... soldiers were likely dying... I held myself back. I had to trust in my comrades.

Then flares the color of fear shot from the horizon like a formation of migrating birds. No…

No.

No!

My horrible luck!

I should have been on the right side!

I fired up my reply and charged towards the signal. I could still help! Someone was alive! I could still save them!

"Vanteon!" Avogadro caught up to me, "Don't you fucking dare!"

"They need help! If I can just get to them-!"

"Emma relayed the message! The entire right flank is gone! Fast running titans swarmed the area! There's no one left to save!"

My stomach lurched. The recruits were lined up the right wing. They would be next. "How?!"

"We don't know! They came after a fourteen meter ran through the formation! A deviant!" He pushed me back with his horse. "Now relay to Nietzsche and go straight back to your assigned position! You're no good if you die too! If you don't care about that, then you can still protect the left flank!"

"Keh! Fine!" I turned my horse and reluctantly rode away.

"Nietzsche!" I called out as I neared my comrade.

"Vanteon! Any news of the failure flares from the right?!" he shouted back over the sound of our horses' thundering hooves.

"The right flank is gone! The titans are all fast and rampaging! Warn the others!"

"Shit!" His clenched teeth were revealed beneath the large curl of his mustache. "God be with you, Bel! Get ready for the retreat!" We nodded to each other as we parted.

I knew the Commander wasn't going to signal a retreat. The mission was going to proceed until we finish up in the forest. I clenched the reins tightly and proceeded on, following the lime green flares that climbed the sky like ascending ivy.

The forest finally came into view. It was time to regroup and go around. I veered left as the distant supply carriages entered the deserted tourist location. Team Leader Avogadro rode up and dismounted.

"Congratulations Vanteon. You made it alive."

"The others, Team Leader?"

"Speak of the devil; there they are." I breathed a sigh of relief as Nietzsche and Emma rode up together.

"You guys! It's good to see you!" I dismounted and waved my arms wide towards their approaching forms.

"Bel!" Emma shouted wildly. Nietzsche merely nodded.

"Tie up the horses, y'all! New orders once the others roll in!" Avogadro ordered as we secured our horses to the old wooden railings. Rumblings resounded in the distance. I dropped to the floor and pressed my ear to the dirt.

"Eleven to fifteen meter titan closing in!" I shouted to the others.

"New orders now!" Avogadro shouted as he unsheathed his swords, "Don't let a single titan into the forest!" We all drew our swords and faced the rising black smoke. He fired a reply. I heard shivering behind me.

"We're entrusted with the most crucial part of the operation!" I discretioned, "Let's give them he-!"

"It's Kant and Johan! They're bringing titans!" Emma yelled. Avogadro grunted. Following our comrades was a group of three or so titans ranging five to ten meters.

"Bel! Face the aberrant with me! Emma and Nietzsche! Back them up! Search for de Beauvoir if you can and relay the new orders!" he ordered.

"Yes Sir!" We quickly untied our horses and rode off to engage our enemies. A female titan about fourteen meters came into view.

"Ok Bel! Here's what we're gonna do!" The Team Leader began, "I'm gonna ride ahead and distract her! You fall back, count to six, then charge forward and do your thing!"

"Roger!" He rode ahead, getting closer and closer to the titan. Suddenly, the titan sped up. It's monstrous feet threatened Team Leader Avogadro and his horse.

"Avo!" I cried out, bracing myself for the worst. Could I take on a fourteen meter aberrant...?

"Start counting!" he shouted back as he jumped from his horse in just the nick of time. He swung adeptly around the titan as his horse galloped out of harm's way.

One...

The titan rose its arm and covered the nape of her neck.

Two...

There's our target... I could let her through...

Three...

But could I couldn't disclose that. I was ordered not to. I readied my gear and drew my swords.

Four...

I slowly rose up and urged my horse forward at full speed, recalling the saddleback gymnastics the Captain taught me.

Five...

Avogadro rounded her body, dodging her hands that tried to grab him. This titan was especially dangerous. I kissed my blades. I could stop her here and prevent casualties to the front!

Six.

I took aim and jumped, anchoring my rappel to her wrist and tying it to her shoulder with the grapple release. She stopped running and her other hand went to her neck. I glanced at Avogadro, who nodded for me to continue. I fell down to her ankles and weaved between them. I counterbalanced the gas to pull the cables tight and she fell to the ground.

"Avo!"

"Got it!" He ran for the titan's neck and prepared to cut her fingers. The titan suddenly contracted, rolled to her back, and yanked the cables. They came apart as if they were threads. "Too late, bitch!" he screamed as he regained his footing and charged again.

That wasn't part of the plan! He was going to get killed!

"No! Wait!" I screamed as the female titan grabbed his leg. Blood spurted from between her fingers as she looked upon his face and crushed him. I took the opportunity to swing around and strike her, but my blades shattered against her skin. I felt pieces of the shrapnel dig into my face. I screamed as I fell to the ground when Avogadro cut himself free and came to my rescue. Unable to see, he grappled onto a nearby building and broke my fall. We crashed into the roof of a crumbling building.

"Avogadro!" I shouted in a panic as I felt for his face, "Team Leader! Are you ok?"

"Ugh... no... but don't move..!" he grumbled as he pulled the shards from my face. I wiped my face and blinked a few times. They mostly hit my forehead. I could see fine. When I opened my eyes completely, his mutilated leg came into view.

"Avo! Hang on!" I tightened the harness of his upper thigh to act as a tourniquet and struggled to stop the bleeding with all my strength, "I'm gonna get you to a medical cart!"

"No! Stopping the titan comes first!" I rose my free hand to my lips and whistled for the horses. The female titan had already escaped.

"I trust our group. We did our part." The horses rode alongside the wall and I maneuvered myself to lift and lower him down. He looked towards the retreating titan and anguish washed over his face.

"Alright, but right after, you gotta go!" he grunted in agony as he fell into the saddle. I jumped onto my own horse and reached over to steady him before he fell.

"Are you good to go?"

"Yeah."

We took off towards the forest.

 

* * *

 

"Bel..." he muttered. I looked over to him. The bandage was already soiled.

"Hang in there Avo! We're almost there!"

"You're gonna take over for me..." He was nearly bent over the saddle.

"Ok Avo but you're gonna have to sit up!" No reply. "Team Leader! Sit up! You're gonna fall!" I slowed down the horses and reached to aid him.

His body rolled into my arms. The blood from his leg trailed along the stirrup like a regiment of marching red ants and pooled onto the leaf of a small flower beneath.

"Avo..." My tears mixed with the bloody tracks of my face as I closed his eyes. I dropped to my knees and buried my face into him as I wept. My muffled sobs echoed through his silent and settling chest. It was something I had to get used to: people would die and that fact would spiral out of my control.

And so, my first attempt to save a life ended in failure, and my first attempt to capture a titan as a Survey soldier ended in failure. Countless soldiers were about to lose their lives, and it was all due to my inability.

 

* * *

 

The dull screech of an acoustic round carried over the distance. I'd better go. I reached down for the flower, plucked off the bloodied leaf, and tucked the stem into his shirt pocket. I then secured Avo's body to his horse and slapped its rear, sending him back to town. The least I could do for him was give his family the luxury of having a body to bury.

 

* * *

 

I returned to my squad, whom had attracted a considerate amount of titans and were taking refuge among the branches. I tied up my horse far enough away as to not attract their attention and joined them.

"Bel!" de Beauvoir greeted me, "You made it back!"

"I'm glad you made it back too, Simone." She jumped over to my branch and hugged me, lingering a bit too long for my comfort.

"And our Team Leader?" Johannes inquired. I sullenly shook my head.

"Eaten?" Kant guessed.

"No. Wounded by the female titan and bled out," I answered.

"Where's his body?" Nietzsche followed, the gruff syllables partially muffled by his bristly mustache.

"She obviously sent him home, duh!" Emma answered for me as she playfully slapped his back.

"So who out of the six of us are gonna take over?" Simone asked, still hanging over my shoulder. Woman! Personal space! I swung her arm off me and took a step forward.

"Avogadro appointed me." They all immediately gave me a formal salute. The magnitude finally hit me. I was now responsible for their lives. Every last one of them. "P-please give me a de-debriefing on the situation-n since our former Te-Team Leader and I-I left..." I stammered. Everyone joined me on my branch. Kant took notice of my sudden nervousy and gave my shoulder a reassuring pat.

"We trust you, Bel." He smiled. "I mean, Team Leader Vanteon. If Avogadro chose you, we trust his decision." I looked amongst all their nodding faces. Johannes stepped up.

"We successfully slayed the three titans Kant and I brought, but as we did so, the fourteen meter, which Goldman identified as the possible deviant, ran straight past us. We quickly got our hands full of the titans that trailed after her, and we've been trapped here ever since. There were just too many for us to engage."

"Yeah, we're sorry we didn't go after her, Team Leader," Emma pouted.

"That's alright, the most important thing is you're all alive..." I scanned the dozen or so titans that were scratching at the trees below us. A couple were trying to climb. They were mostly in the four to eleven meter range. There was a single thirteen meter. A three meter lost its hold on the bark and fell atop a five meter.

"Yeah," de Beauvoir said as she traced my line of sight, "Those two have been getting higher and higher."

I furrowed my brow. "So they can... learn." The others agreed.

"So, it's clear we can't stay here any longer," Nietzsche stated, "Your orders, Team Leader."

I crouched and studied the movements of the titans. Canons resounded from deep within the forest.

"Keep their attention. I'll circle around and attach them to the trees. When they're all tied down, divide them amongst yourselves and take them out." I checked my gear for functionality. "The fourteen meter deviant was able to snap my cables, but we can safely assume that normal titans won't catch on to that..." I glanced over at the thirteen meter in confidence. "Leave the thirteen meter to me, and come to my aid only when the others are dead."

"Are you sure?!" de Beauvoir yelled, "I know you're our leader now and all, but isn't that a bit crazy?!" A titan lunged up and snapped a nearby branch. I discharged my broken blades into its face and jumped into action.

"No time! Everyone get ready!" Nietzsche disciplined.

"For the Kingdom of Ends!" shouted Kant.

"That's not historically possible, boy!" he argued.

I swung around the titans and trees, moving as quickly and adeptly as I could and making full use of my grapple release. I rounded the last tree and lunged for the thirteen meter to lure it away.

"Now!" I shouted. My squadmates jumped from their perches and charged into action. I had no time to supervise. I hastily confounded the thirteen meter, my first cut not reaching deep enough.

"Shit!" I muttered to myself as I swung around its midsection and released my cable. As I looked over my shoulder, de Beauvoir had charged ahead of the others and took no heed for the titan's head.

"Simone! Wait!" I ordered, albeit too late.

The titan turned its head, and swallowed her whole.

"Shit! Damn tramp!" Kant remarked angrily as he swung around and sliced an Achilles’ tendon. Johannes detached the other. The titan began to fall forward. Emma attached her grapple to the titan's chin and pulled it aside to ensure it wouldn't land on its face.

"Team Leader! Go!" Johannes shouted as he ran past Emma and I. I knew what they were doing. I charged towards the end of the titan, using my gas to accelerate, and impaled a fresh blade into its foot. The titan vomited de Beauvoir and Johannes finished it off.

"Simone!" Emma yelled as everyone ran past the steaming carcass.

"Whoo!" she yelled triumphantly, completely covered in the slimy titan phlegm, "I knew you would come through for me! Marry me, Bel! Forget that shorty!" She got up and ran towards me. I dodged and she slipped and fell.

"Fucking Sina, Simone!" Johannes scolded, "You're a goddamn psycho!" The five of them argued amicably around the titan puke until an ear-splitting screech was heard from the forest. It was a sound that came from a soul desperate and overcome by fear. I've heard it come from seriously wounded and dying patients who weren't ready for death. It came from me when I ran out of supplies and sanity in Trost. It came from my dying mother. The ground began to shake as an immense horde of titans suddenly stormed the forest borders.

"Everybody up!" I commanded as I grabbed Simone and shot for the safety of the canopy. The sounds of their gears whistled through the stampede. I looked over my shoulder to see a team member missing.

"Johannes!" I threw Simone across to Kant and looped back around to his rescue. Suddenly, my body remembered what to do. I sailed from the napes of titan to titan, severing their necks and sending their decapitated heads in all directions. The throng of titans stampeding into the forest was greatly thinned as we were joined by other soldiers. The next thing I knew, I was grabbed by a titan. A small bird flew past me and sang a familiar song as the azure retreat signals lit the sky.

I had to make sure everyone returned alive!

I sliced myself free and searched among the remnants of the horde, which continued to charge with no discretion into the forest. There was no sign of my missing comrades.

"Bel! We've gotta go! That was the retreat!" yelled a voice I didn't care to identify.

"No one's getting left behind!" I yelled to the sky.

The herd dissipated.

 

* * *

 

A trail of crushed bodies were left in their wake. They were undiscernible. I landed on the ground. Kant and Simone joined me.

"I..." I fell to my knees in penitent. "I..." The images of thoughtless carnage ripped my senses as my eyes widened in attempt to better process the magnitude of it all. "...failed them...!" Simone backhanded me across the face.

"What the hell, Simone!?" Kant shrieked.

"No one's expecting you to save everybody!" she screamed, "Look at them!" She pointed to the bodies and grabbed my collar to make me see. "Some are still alive! Put yourself together, and be the soldier I know you can be! Vanteon!" She was right. Some of them were indeed moving.

We got right to work. We were joined by other soldiers returning for their horses.

Another explosion resounded and a flash of lightning lit the forest. A handful of soldiers around me began to panic.

"Stay focused! Your wounded comrades need you!" I ordered, looking up from splinting a patient's arm.

"Listen to Team Leader Vanteon!" my teammates yelled to back me up. The forest began to shake again. We were running out of time.

"Start loading the wounded and casualties!" I ordered. Everything went ablur as my comrades and I rounded up the bodies and tended wounds. The forest flashed a blinding canary a couple more times, accompanied by the eerie roars of the desperate before we finally left the forest and regrouped. I had no time to think. I couldn't spare the energy to look anywhere else. All I was in the moments that followed was a soldier, fiercely pulling as many comrades as I could from the jaws of death.

 

* * *

 

With the panic finally over, I looked upon the wounded. They were vastly outnumbered by the dead. Three of my squad members were among them: Kant, Nietzsche, and Emma. Only Simone, Johannes, and I remained. I caught sight of the Captain, whom was bent over the bodies of his squad, and my former squadmates.

I should have been with them.

I stayed by the side of my horse and observed the notches of my knife. I decided to include the lives of others it helped me save. One for the wounded rookie whose clothes I had to rip to find the hidden gash. One for Simone whom required a breathing tube after choking on titan sputum afterwards. One for...

I continued as Armin and Jean loaded the bodies near me and a couple scouts argued with the Commander. I had carved thirty-seven notches by the time the Commander ordered us to saddle up. I was far from satisfied and reassured that my efforts were meaningful against my failures.

 

* * *

 

A red flare ascended to the heavens behind me. I peeked over my shoulder to see titans pursuing two lagging scouts. I prepared myself to fight and rose up from my horse.

"Full speed ahead!" ordered the Commander. Fuck that! I'm not letting another life go! I drew my blades and spun around in the saddle, preparing to jump.

"Vanteon!" Captain Levi suddenly called out to me, "Don't engage! You heard the Commander!"

"They don't know any better! It's not their fault!" I argued.

"If they die, it's on them for disobeying orders!" he barked, "The same goes for you! Make your choice!" I watched as the Scouts struggled and another from the rear flank went to their aid. "Think! Now!" The Captain yelled before departing to relay orders to the rear. He was holding his leg instead of controlling his reins with both hands. I grit my teeth and turned around.

 

* * *

 

We made another stop a few kilometers out in order to recalculate our route. Remembering how the Captain held his leg earlier, I went in search of him, passing by a few soldiers lamenting the loss of their friends' bodies. So that was how we were able make a safe retreat. I was suddenly hit with the guilt of expending an extra horse in order to send Team Leader Avogadro home... it was an especially bitter kind that rose a suffocating lump in my throat. Who was I to make that decision...?

I saw a familiar head of raven hair and made my way towards him. He dismounted his horse and stopped to talk to another soldier. Not wanting to interrupt, I waited behind the corner of a caravan. My curiosity quickly got the best of me, making me peek behind the ivory canvas that shielded a few recovering soldiers. The Captain said a few words, then handed something to the soldier, whom started crying. I recognized the blonde floppy-haired soldier as one of the Scouts who were arguing with the Commander earlier... something along the lines of retrieving a body? The Captain then mounted and trotted away. On closer inspection, he had handed the soldier a torn patch. It suddenly made sense. I ran after the Captain.

"Captain!"

"Get ready to move out, Vanteon."

"Wait!"

"What could possibly be more important than getting the fuck back, Kitten?!" I quickly mounted my horse as he passed by and persisted after him, even as the Commander gave the order to move out.

"Who's patch was that?" I asked him.

"What patch?"

"The one you gave to the blondie back there."

"His friend's."

"You're lying..." I accused. He remained silent. I studied his face. "It was Petra's... wasn't it, Captain?"

"He needs it more than I do," he stated.

"Did you... love her, Captain?"

"We're all soldiers, Vanteon. Out here, we try to protect each other. Sometimes we fail. Other times, it's just out of our hands," he said dryly before picking up speed and riding away from me.

The Captain... he had just lost his squad, which was full of people undoubtedly dear to him, and... before his juniors, even after being questioned about his humanity... he was so kind... so selfless... behind his laconic, if not, bitter remarks, was something so much more...

What a wonderful man...

It was then I truly learned he cared so much more than he was willing to let people know.

A pleasant shock pierced my heart. I looked over to the cart carrying Eren. His adopted sister, Mikasa, was by his side. I sensed her love for him and smiled quaintly to no one in particular. I kept to myself for the rest of the journey home.


	24. Page 4

Quiet, disheartening murmurs wafted from the crowds as we rolled in, presumably set off by our severely reduced numbers. The amber setting sun invoked the most sincere welcome to us as it continued its path down the western sky, until I set my eyes upon a couple of young smiling faces. I returned their smile as best I could and gave them a weak salute.

"Respect the dead, Team Leader!" Simone whispered scoldingly as she pulled down my fist.

"Look at them!" I whispered in reply, shaking her off and nodding towards the children, "They look up to us. Someday they're gonna replace our fallen ranks, and we won't be able to thank them enough. They deserve just as much respect as our fallen comrades." She quickly shut up. Johannes snickered behind us.

"Sadistic bastard..." Simone spat at him.

An old man ran up to the Captain, who was walking his horse a couple soldiers ahead of me. He introduced himself as Petra's father and began rambling about a letter he received from her.

She...

She had romantic feelings for the Captain...? But it seemed more like she and Oluo...

I clasped both hands to my mouth to quell the sob I felt escaping. Did he also...?

I could almost feel the Captain's heart break from where I was. The murmurs then turned to angry protests directed towards the Commander. Like the Captain, he ignored the voices and continued sauntering forward.

Eren wept.

Mikasa held his hand.

It was a long trip back to headquarters.

 

* * *

 

I came across the Captain later that night, who had stayed behind while everyone else cleared out of the dining hall. He was still wearing his cloak, and the hood was pulled over his head.

"Captain?" I walked over to his unresponsive form. Steam continued to rise from his untouched teacup. "Captain Levi," I persisted. Soft snoring could be heard from beneath the subtly rising and falling hunter green shroud. "... Captain?" I slowly lifted the hood and revealed his sleeping face. His expression ever so slightly twitched, and his features shifted from peace and calm to agitated and back. His breaths quickened and slowed, quickened, then slowed. My being faltered as I admired him.

He was dreaming...

... and he looked... absolutely breathtaking.

I gingerly moved the hood aside and continued watching him. He straightened out his arm, revealing the rest of his face. His fingers sporadically drummed the wooden surface as he continued through his subconscious world. In sleep, years appeared to disappear from his face. He looked like a very young boy, long tucked in and kissed goodnight by a mother, whom must have loved him so much while she lived. A strand of hair fell over his eye, startling him, but not enough to wake him.

Should I move it?

I slowly reached out to him until he began to mumble. I pulled my hand back. He could have been waking. I backed away, careful not to make a sound.

"K... kenn... ny..."

My heart dropped as the name in combination with his youthful face triggered the memory.

When I lived in the Underground City and my mother and brother were still alive, the incident took place. Sick of staying inside, I snuck out of the house and got myself into some trouble. I remembered running through the dirt clad alleyways, trying to escape the hands of the largest man I had ever seen. My dress was covered in dirt and sewage, and I ran and screamed for my life until I was saved by a young boy. He had singlehandedly apprehended the man, whom must have been over quadruple his size. A crowd had formed around the scene and applause broke out as the boy stood over the defeated man. In the confusion, my mother and brother had found me and frantically picked me up and made their escape from the crowd. As I was carried away, the last thing I remembered seeing was the boy running after a man leaving the crowd, calling out the name Kenny.

I clasped my hand over my mouth to keep from crying out. The boy was Captain Levi. The terror of the memory I had repressed for so long was brought out by Captain Levi. I ran to the kitchen before I could make another sound. Was I falling in love with the Captain? Why? When we met, he was so rude and brash... if anything, it was just a crush. It was normal for a woman to feel attracted to a strong man, but... was it because I saw a different side of him today? That must have been it... I was falling helplessly in love with the Captain. What was I going to do with myself...? We were soldiers... I couldn't be doing this...! Especially after Petra had...!

I gave myself enough time to sort my fears, then went to work washing the dishes.

 

* * *

 

A dull clang sounded from the dining room. I turned off the water and continued to listen. There was an irritated grunt, a light clatter, then the moving of a chair. Oops. He must have knocked over his tea...! I should have moved it out of the way...! I turned the water back on and resumed scrubbing.

I didn't know that...!

He came stumbling into the kitchen no more than a few seconds later, groggy and pressing his free hand to his temples.

Cute…

He placed his cup next to the sink and untucked his shirt.

"Oh, good evening, Captain." I pretended to barely notice him and took to washing his cup. He appeared to have spilled all over his sleeve.

"Hello, Vanteon..." he replied as he took a clean towel, wet it, and wiped down his face and neck. He took off his cravat to do a more thorough job, revealing a perfect set of collarbones. Heat spread across my face. His raspy, barely awoken voice made me melt. I jerked my head back before he could notice my staring. "Taking up more than your share, so soon? Everyone usually takes the rest of the night off, you know..." he grumbled as his eyes motioned towards the mountain of pots and pans I had washed. I did all that?

"Y-yeah..." I stuttered. "I figured I should... take care of it for everyone..." He hung up his cloak and began rolling up his sleeves. His toned forearms bulged from the layered cuffs. My restless heart skipped yet another beat.

"Well I already made a mess of myself, so I'll help you out."

I locked my head to keep looking down at my work. "Thank you, Captain..." He grabbed a rag, lathered it with soap, and began scrubbing a ladle. He mesmerized my periphery with the adept movements of his hands. The silence had to be broken. I had to make myself focus on something else.

"How did you spill, Captain?"

"I fell asleep and knocked the fucking thing over."

"Oh, I would have never guessed you were an active sleeper."

"I'm usually not."

"Were you dreaming?"

"Don't remember."

"Ah... that's too bad..."

"Interested in my dreams? Quit being strange. It's freaking me out."

I cringed. "Sorry, Captain."

Silence.

"Umm... Captain?"

"What, now you're wondering where my thoughts wander while taking a shit?"

I snorted. "No!"

He smirked. My heart shattered. "Then what is it?"

"What... did you do before joining the Survey Corps?"

"You heard from Petra, didn't you?" His expression faltered at the mention of her name. I, too, felt the grief.

"Yeah..."

"Well, that's not important," he snapped as he put the last plate on the rack and wrung out the rag. He slung his cloak over his shoulder and started for the exit. "Goodnight, Vanteon."

"I remember you!" I blurted out. He merely looked over his shoulder.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"In the underground..." I mustered, "... years ago, when we were children... you..." I looked down and fiddled with my hands, "... saved me..."

He turned his head silently and shifted his weight. "How far... did that disgusting oaf get with you?"

I grasped at my elbow, holding myself to comfort the coming of the words. "Not far... he only scooped me up in a burlap sack. I cut through it with my scalpel and ran away."

"Good." Suddenly, he had me pinned against the edge of the sink. His hands were anchored on either side of me and his face was really close. I curled back to prevent our chests from touching.

"Captain...?!"

"That story is to remain between us. No one else needs to know that, got it?" he growled. His intimidating gaze glowered upon me. His intense breath fell upon my face. I felt faint.

"Yes... Sir..." I whispered.

"Cross your heart."

"I'm sorry...?" I blinked. The phrase seemed somehow familiar...

"Fucking cross it!" he ordered gruffly. I rapidly made the gesture upon my chest. "Good," he affirmed, retaking his leave, "Goodnight, Vanteon." His hand brushed against my arm and hip as he turned around.

I caught his wrist.

I didn't even order my hand to move.

Something had compelled me and there we were, still staring at each other.

"Goodnight... Captain... and thank you..." I replied as I caught my breath.

"Don't mention it." I averted my eyes from him and glanced down.

Yet I couldn't move my hand. It stayed clasped around his wrist. His hand remained limply in my grasp. His slender fingers curled ever so slightly in their relaxed position. I could feel his pulse.

It was steady.

But mine pounded erratically, and I found myself frozen.

"Hey," he said. I peeked up at the sound of his voice. Something kept me from looking at him directly.

What was this...?

"Oi, Kitten."

"Y-yes...?" I managed shakily as I gradually grew the courage to lift my chin.

"Are you in love with me or something?" he identified with his intense gaze as he looked over my face, his eyes focusing precisely upon the subtle features that must have given me away.

I just barely heard him and forced myself to let him go and frantically grabbed my own arms. "N-no! I'm sorry! I just-!"

"Let me make this crystal fucking clear to you, Private." His tone took on a dark growl as he shook off his hand, as if he was dirtied by my touch. "I have absolutely no interest."

My muscles fell weak.

He had struck a chord I didn't know existed in the music of my soul.

My nose pinched.

His image grew blurry before my eyes.

"I-I didn't mean to-"

"I have no time nor energy to spare on a woman."

"If not a woman, does that mean you're-"

"Nor a man. Not anyone. Especially not someone like you." I turned my head, as if the words themselves were bullets from a loaded gun I couldn't hope to save myself from. "I suggest you stay as far away from me as possible from now on."

I watched as he left the kitchen. The tears streamed, but I couldn't make a sound. Through the haze, something subtle about his walk caught my attention. I dismissed it, being as riled up as I was, and shut down the kitchen. The agony finally hit me with its full force as I laid in bed trying to turn in for the night. I realized my feelings for him after a possible love interest of his passed away.

How horrible of a person was I?

Not only that, but he said straight to my face how unattractive I was to him.

Why?

Why did I have to feel this way when we were at the present dealing with such larger matters?

That must have been it.

It was stress.

It wasn't love.

I was stressed.

It wasn’t love.

It wasn't love.

I wasn't in love.

I repeated that to myself over and over again until the clutches of sleep eased away my weariness.


	25. Humanity's Weakest

I woke up the next morning still feeling exhausted, but determined to toss my stressing emotions aside and maintain professionalism with the Captain. There was something wrong about his gait last night. It was glaringly obvious to me. He was hurt from the expedition.

I could not let it go. Whether my unsorted feelings had anything to do with it or not, I couldn't bring myself to obey his order to stay away from him.

"Please tell me how you sustained your injury, Captain." I inquired nearly as soon as I saw him. I made sure there was no one within earshot to maximize the chances of him opening up to me.

"What did I fucking tell you, Bel?"

I pursed my lips and assumed an unyielding stance. "This has nothing to do with that." He returned a threatening glare.

"There are more important things that need to be dealt with, Bel. Focus your attention on your assignment." He continued past me as the familiar looking blazer he loosely draped over his shoulders echoed a subtle limp that could only be seen by a well trained eye. I persisted after him. I knew. A limp like that couldn't be ignored.

"With all due respect, Captain, I consider your welfare an extremely important matter to the Legion. " He stopped and shot me a stern look, perhaps a final warning, but I persisted. "Your stride suggests a moderate strain that traversed the entire length of your leg. I can tell from the way your trousers have twisted around your knee that the injury's most painful along your left outer thigh. If the impact had been any harder, you would have sustained a severe spiral fracture."

He turned to leave. I continued behind him. "Captain, please. I know you're in a lot of pain. I can tell by your complexion. Even though you're going to be on leave for quite a while, your pain has been escalating quite a bit, hasn't it?" I lifted my hand to his shoulder, but decided against making unauthorized contact with him. In exchange for my concern, I was met with a swift knee to the stomach. As I fell, he ruthlessly elbowed the back of my head. His attacks felt weak.

"I didn't save you from the can to babysit me, brat. You're here to work with Hange, treat other soldiers, and pioneer experimental gear engineering. Given that we're focusing on the inner walls and not going out on field trips, your job is solely to work with Hange and figure out how we can identify titan shifters before they turn and escape us like that blonde bitch from the expedition." He kneeled down to where I'd fallen and yanked upon my hair to make me stare him in the face. If I didn't know any better, I'd think his expression was less intense than usual. "Do I make myself clear, Vanteon?"

I was not about to yield. That injury was bound to get progressively worse. Regardless of how he treated me, his health was primordially important to the Scouts' purpose. There was something else that continued to eat away at me, although I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but even more so, he shouldered the grief and will of so many soldiers. I fiercely believed he deserved relief, but personally knew that he grew up in an environment that deconditioned that human need within himself.

But he was still human.

Out of respect for his wishes, I decided to leave him be. After all, he wouldn't last much longer on that leg anyways. His seeking for treatment was inevitable. I guess all I could do was allow him to decide when he felt ready.

"Yes, Captain. " I couldn't help but smile at him, as he wore his sharp expression that cost him a little too much work. He wasn't quite himself, and I knew it.

"Good." He released my hair and I stood up.

"One last thing I can say for certain though, Captain, is that kick hurt you much, much more than it hurt me." I saluted him and took the initiative to leave his presence. "Take care of yourself."

There were plenty others more willing to accept my treatment. I completed the rest of my rounds before assisting my comrades with their jobs.

 

* * *

 

"Where the fuck is Bel?!" The Captain burst into the stables the next day and shouted at the handful of us that were working. I dusted off my hands and exited my horse's stall.

"Right here, Captain!" I said to him with a salute. He was rubbing his outer thigh.

I knew it.

"To my office right this fucking instant!" he yelled. I attracted some awkward stares as I walked down the aisle.

His limp had gotten worse. He noticeably struggled all the way there. After making sure the halls were clear, I looped his arm over my shoulder. He didn't complain. Beads of sweat rolled down his face.

"D-do something... Bel," he groaned as I opened the door to his office, "Please..." I suddenly regretted leaving him alone the other day. He was in agony...

"Here Captain." I swept his feet up and carried him to his bed. He didn't protest and gripped onto me like velcro, his fingers digging into my skin. The pain he was causing me must have been nothing compared to what he was feeling. I gently bit the inside of my cheek as I carried him along. His stoicness, harshness of tone, brashness of manner... all of it was gone. He remained in my arms a wounded man.

Heartbreakingly human.

I gently lowered him onto his bed. His eyes were sincerely afraid. Before me wasn't a man overcome by the fear of the battlefront. I recognized the agony in his eyes of a man fearful of his own failing body.

"Please undress down to your bottom layer if you can, Captain. I'll be right back," I ordered and left him to get the necessary supplies to treat him. I used that time to clear my head. He wasn't my Captain. He wasn't my heartthrob. He wasn't the man who saved my life and he wasn't the man who harshly scolded me the day before. He was now my patient and my only goal was to get him well.

I returned with my arms full of the necessities. He was laying supine in his boxer shorts, with his hands on his face and opposing knee bent. His clothes were thrown haphazardly on the floor, rather than thrown into a hamper or immediately washed, which I assumed he would have done under any normal circumstance. His whole body was covered in sweat and he was softly grunting. I emptied my arms at the foot of his bed, then broke and handed him a cold compress. He immediately placed it on his forehead.

"Don't worry, Captain, it'll be over soon," I told him as I pat down the sweat. He weakly nodded as I ran the cloth over his skin, which had clear indentations from his ODM gear. I made a mental note to instruct him to abstain from wearing it for so long. He also had a couple of deep scars: one along his outer left bicep and another reaching from trapezius to collar on the same side. The first aid sutures must have either been too loose or absent. I could've prevented those scars...

Once he was dry, I ran the diagnostic tests on his leg. It was easy to tell because it was horribly inflamed. He cooperatively complied with all my tests, shifting around as needed and responding to my questions without additional comments.

"Alright," I finally said as I lowered his knee and motioned for him to lay on his side facing away from me, "I know what to do." He had a rather severe inversion ankle sprain and a trapped saphenous nerve that shot the pain into his thigh. I don't know how in the world he managed to do that, as the nerve naturally ran down the inner leg, but the sooner I set him right, the better. I cracked my knuckles, dried my hands and his left side one last time, and handed him a handful of thick gauze. He obediently took it from me.

"And this?" he questioned.

"For your mouth," I explained, "So you don't bite your tongue or strain your jaw."

"Tch... so it's gonna hurt like a motherfucker..." he affirmed as he stuffed his mouth with the packing.

"I'm afraid so, Captain..." I replied as I crossed his wounded leg over and slightly tilted his shoulder back. I placed one hand upon his hip and the other on his lower thigh. "Ready?" I asked.

He nodded, but his eyes suddenly grew fearful and his body tense. "You can't brace yourself like that, Captain, or else I'm gonna have to do it again and it's gonna feel worse." He looked away and tried to relax, but it wasn't enough. "Captain, look at me, please." I leaned over him and gently tilted his head back towards me. "Breathe in." He complied and rested his hand upon my arm. "Breathe out..." He slowly exhaled. I took his hand to comfort him and his eyes remained fixed on me. He gave my hand a tight squeeze when he was ready.

"Alright, let's try again." I brushed his hair back with my fingers before resuming my position, "Remember, breath in... breathe out..." He closed his eyes. His breath was steady and even. I waited for his chest to fall, then sharply readjusted his leg with the help of my weight. He cried out and tears fled the corner of his eye as I felt his muscle fibers quiver and fall back into their natural place. I checked his ankle for a successful realignment, then rose it atop a pillow, covered it with a towel, and gently pressed a cold pack upon it.

"Are you ok, Captain?" I asked as I began massaging his leg. He rapidly nodded and turned over to sit up. I held my hand in front of his mouth and he spat out the gauze.

"F-fucking shit..." he cursed as he grabbed a cold towel to wipe his glistening face, "How the hell did you do that, Bel?" He exasperated as he tried to stand up.

"Wait!" I tossed the gauze and caught him before he could fall. He stumbled and fell forward over me. "Please lay down, Captain. Rest up before you try walking." He held onto me as I lowered him back down. Calm returned to his face.

"Alright," he agreed as he reached for a fresh cold compress and laid back down. "Sadistic Kitten..." he teased from beneath the compress. I again rose his ankle and placed it under ice, then dipped my fingers into a special ointment and resumed massaging his leg. He jumped back up, throwing the ice pack off the bed, and lifted the compress from his face. He startled me.

"What's that shit?" He seemed to feel better already. His colorful vocabulary was back to normal. I smiled and showed him the jar of the homemade substance.

"It's called tiger balm," I explained, "It's an eastern formula that's been long outlawed, but it'll help soothe your muscles. It also works as a minor painkiller."

"Then dial it the fuck up," he grunted as he took a dab between his fingers and inspected it. A small breath of a laugh escaped my lips.

"I'll do my best, Captain." He then took a whiff. "It does have a distinct smell though, sorry, but it's not bad... I don't think..."

"Shit's tolerable..." He wiped his fingers on a towel. "But filmy as fuck." I smiled and he laid back down as I continued massaging. His breathing slowly returned to normal and he regained control over his expression. I lost track of time as I gazed at him, completely mesmerized by his enjoyment. Then the present finally made its return.

I lowered his foot and stepped aside.

"All done. Take all the time you need, Captain." I said as I quickly cleaned up the materials, secured the ice to his foot so he wouldn't kick it again, and turned to leave. There was a tug on my harness.

"Wait," he whispered lowly. I turned and kneeled back beside him.

"Don't worry, Captain." I took his hand. "I'll stay by your side, just in case you need anything."

He gave a slight smile and turned his head. "That's an order..." he moaned as he shifted into a more comfortable sleeping position.

"Yes, Captain."

"Levi..." he corrected. My heart must have exploded. I stared at the corner of his jaw where it attached to his neck and admired the way it moved as he insisted I call him merely by his first name. I smiled happily to myself.

I held his hand until he fell asleep.

"Levi..." I whispered. A euphoric happiness spread through me as I said it, his name. I hesitantly reached out and placed my hand gently upon his head. His body seemed to swoon in his sleep as I gingerly and affectionately ran my thumb over the long outgrown soft spot of his scalp.

 

* * *

 

It was already dark out when he rolled over and released my hand. Using the faint moonlight as my only guide, I maneuvered my way around his bed to the opposing nightstand, where he kept a candle. I gave a mental apology for intruding and felt around the drawer for a set of matches. There seemed to be only paper. Just before my frustration got the best of me, my fingers finally found a familiar cardboard package. I turned away from him to mask the sound, struck the match, and lit the candle. I nearly dropped the flame as the light bathed him in its warm glow. I hadn't taken the time to fully appreciate his physique earlier. I endeavor to maintain a strict mental block while tending to a patient, but I had never been as abashed as I was then. The flickering luminance exaggerated his muscle contours. I caught my breath. His body was an anatomist's dream. His definitions were perfect, aside from his bruises. I took the opportunity to more closely examine his scars and recheck his leg. I picked up the candle, and held up the light to his shoulder. The original wound must have been moderately deep, but the scarred valley was hard to decipher. It didn't appear to be from a titan bite, thank goodness, but a swift motion from something sharp. A blade? Snapped cable edge? I couldn't figure out the width of the object. The same went for the scar on his arm. I slowly reached out and ran a finger along its length. His skin had long healed, but it must have been painful. He gave a slight jerk. I pulled back. He was still asleep. I tip-toed to the other side of the bed and checked his leg. The swelling seemed to be going down. I lifted the back of my hand to his thigh. It was still a little warm to the touch. He rolled onto his stomach as I placed the candle back on the nightstand. Simultaneously, he wrapped his arms around his pillow.

Suddenly, my emotions caught up to me. My head filled with the dizzying sensations of our moments of intimacy. Tucking myself beneath his arms, carrying him, putting him on his bed, running my hands over his body as I looked for the signs to heal him, him grabbing and placing his full unsupported weight onto me as he fell, pulling my harness, holding my hand, saying his name...

Despite being alone, my hands instinctively flew up to cover my burning face. The situation finally overcame me and there he was before me, sleeping, in a pair of boxer shorts. I covered my eyes with one hand and pulled the bedsheet over him with the other. The ointment was dry. It was ok to cover him up now. He stirred and pulled the sheets closer to his chest. His biceps ripped pronouncedly as he did so. I covered my mouth with both my hands to stifle a cry that ended up feeling more like a choke. He was perfect...! He was oh so perfect...! I could cry...!

I'd better not cry!

I quickly busied myself with cleaning up his room. As I picked up his dampened clothes, I noticed that among them was a large blazer that once belonged to my brother. I often wore it to sleep, for my own comfort, but had misplaced it recently. No wonder it seemed familiar. I flipped the collar. His scent wafted from the fabric. Why would he wear a jacket that didn't belong to him? He'd worn it long enough for it to pick up his sweat... did it... provide him with some... relief...?

I heard the bedsheets stir. He wrapped himself rather tightly. His face was barely visible.

It made me smile.

After deciding to let him keep my blazer, I lit the other candles, closed his curtains, took out his trash, threw him another blanket, straightened out his desk, swept the floors, dusted the bookcases, cleaned his boots, and even hand washed his clothes in the tub. He seemed to do his own laundry that way because he had the necessary soap and washboard in his private bathroom. He wasn't kidding when he said he didn't trust others with his laundry. Oops. Hopefully he'd be satisfied with my efforts. My mother and I did do cleaning for a living at one point. I peeked into the room. He was still fast asleep. What else could I do?

Dinner. I could fix him a late dinner! For when he woke up!

I quietly closed the door and tiptoed down the hall and down the stairs to the kitchen. Everyone seemed to have already conveniently turned in for the night, aside from a few straggling rookies. A group of boys from the 104th class were hanging out at the end of one of the large tables. I leaned against the door and watched them for a while. Their jokes, laughter, and closeness with each other reminded me of my old group of friends. Despite being freshly seasoned soldiers and the gravity of what was about to happen, their banter reflected who they really were. They were still children, bright eyed and still making the most of the cruel world we lived in. The sight warmed my heart as I took it in.

"Hello boys," I finally said as I walked past them. I affectionately ruffled Eren's and Jean's hair, whom were sitting closest to me.

"Hey Bel!" The bright emerald eyes glistened up at me as the boy smiled. Jean gave me a nod of acknowledgement and the others a casual salute. They quickly returned to their conversation as I entered the kitchen.

I had warmed up the leftover stew and took another small helping for myself. Thankfully, Levi was still asleep, so he didn't notice I was gone. I placed the tray near his nightstand so he would see it when he woke, and took my serving to his desk. I didn't want to bother him with my accidental spoon clinking or slurping.

The hours rolled by, and he showed no sign of waking. I ended up eating his dinner as well so it wouldn't go to waste. I was pretty full and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep over my open notebook.


	26. Distance

Cascading ivory notes preluded my dream. They embodied the radiance of sunlight itself as it fell upon a certain softly chiseled cheek brushed by raven locks.

* * *

* * *

 

'Yeah, Cinnie!'

'Woo! Cathy Jean!'

'Best gig yet, Gabe!'

My three friends made their way downstage as Leo, Rolo, and I gave them high-fives on their way down. The rest of the night was a blur of laughter and music. I remembered keeling over in uncontrollable giggles until my stomach hurt and eyes watered. Everything at the time seemed perfect.

Now, I was well aware that something, someone important, was missing the whole time.

 

* * *

* * *

 

"Hey." I was gently awoken by Levi. "Bel. Wake up. I need fill the post-expedition reports. And so do you, Team Leader." I rubbed my eyes with a groan and stretched my arms. He was fully dressed and straightening his shirtcuffs.

"How's your leg?" I asked as I sat up to view his leg from over the desk.

"Pretty fucking dandy. Slept like a damn baby," he replied gruffly.

"Sure did," I replied with a smile.

"Now, out of my desk." He pushed me aside and wiped the glossy wooden surface where I left a small puddle of drool. Oops.

I studied his face. His eyes showed less fatigue than usual. He did seem to get a good amount of sleep, but considering the grief from the expedition, he could have experienced gruesome nightmares without showing it through his dead sleep. "Is the rest of you... alright?" He ignored me. "If you're feeling any grief, you can talk to me, if you want. Emotive state is a very important part of overall health. I can help you with that, too." I leaned towards him sympathetically, as my words caused his hands to raise to his temples as he rested his elbows upon the polished surface of his desk. I rose a comforting hand to his shoulder. "I can stay, if you want. I'll bring my work over here so-" He abruptly slammed down a fist, causing his collection of writing utensils to shake and shift.

"Look, Vanteon," he began, "I appreciate your care, but the treatment stops here. My head was full of shit yesterday, so forget anything else I did but gripe like a bitch, alright? And stick to your ‘practitioner's patient confidentiality’ crap or whatnot and keep our little session a secret, got that?" He had placed a fist upon his opposing hip and was glowering at me threateningly. I was hurt, but refused to show it on my face.

"Yes, Sir."

"Now go." I turned to leave the room. I didn't want to say anymore out of the fear he may revoke my right to call him by his first name. "One more thing." I turned around. Guess it wouldn't hurt to test it out on his pain-sober self.

"Yes... Levi?" He slightly raised an eyebrow, then looked down. His eyes disappeared behind his fringe.

"Thanks for cleaning up... you did a good job..."

"You're welcome, Levi."

"... And... about the other night..." He piqued my interest and I allowed my hand to drop from the doorknob so I could turn and give him my full attention.

"Yes...?"

"What I said to you... was unnecessary. Forget about it. It was... unprofessional of me. I'm sorry."

I took a moment to digest his words. Not wanting to say the wrong thing, I decided not to say anything at all. Instead, I looked him straight in the eye and gave him my best salute. His expression softened and, after giving me a promissory nod, I threw myself a mental celebration and left the office.

 

* * *

 

 

After I finished my paperwork, the Commander called a meeting to discuss Annie Leonhart's apprehension in Stohess. It consisted of the direct operators, including Hange, Simone, Johannes, and I. He was going to debrief Levi and the 104th rookies afterwards. Together, with the results from the prior operation, we debated a new design combining serrated arrows and cable wrapping. If we combined the two, we could both pull the female titan down and restrain her limbs from ripping the wires. Hange contributed the spiked net. I had a bad feeling about taking her down to the ground, though, because she could possibly kick herself free and the buildings in the area would be mere houses of cards. I argued to find a way to keep her standing, but as it turned out, the buildings in the area weren't tall enough. My arguments kept the meeting running longer than planned. I was ultimately overruled.

 

* * *

 

Late that same night, I came across the Captain on the way to get some tea to help me relax. He was sitting on the commonroom sofa, staring into the fireplace.

"Hi, Levi..." I called out, testing the new casual waters.

"Kitten," he replied, "What brings you here in the middle of the night?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Me neither." He invited me over and I sat on the opposite end of the sofa.

"May I?" I asked, eyeing the tea set he had out for himself.

"Knock yourself out," he answered before bringing his cup to his lips and finishing it off. I poured myself a cup and refilled his before sitting back.

"How'd Eren handle...?" I asked.

"Not very well," he sighed as he basked his face in the steam from the blend, "Don't blame him, though, since we don't even have the evidence to just out and accuse his former classmate in the first place."

"Must be hard on him... Eren..." I suspired.

"If he's gonna be like that, we can consider the first and second plans a failure already."

"As cynical as that sounds, you're probably right," I agreed as I brought the cup to my lips and flinched. I held it up to keep it from spilling as I comedically blew quick, short breaths through my lips in attempt to quell the burn.

"What? Too bitter for you? You baby..."

"N-nuh-no! Just hot! I burned myself..." I replied as I began to feel faint from my breathing.

"Tch. Give me that..." He gave a huff as he relieved the teacup from my trembling hand and placed it upon the windowsill. "I'm confiscating this until it reaches child's temperature." He then opened it a small crack, allowing the midnight chill to steal the small curls of searing vapor.

"For the record, childrens' tastebuds are more sensitive to bitter tastes than adults'. That's why adults can tolerate bitter things," I explained in attempt to save face.

"For the record, babies can only tolerate lukewarm water. That's why you can't handle hot tea," he retorted sassily, taking a sip of his own cup. I giggled for a bit, then sat back and ran a hand through my hair. When I looked back at him, he could have been smiling.

"So," I began, wanting to confirm a few things, "I heard Mikasa disobeyed you during the 57th."

He turned towards the fire and lowered his cup, his subtle smile turning into a distinct frown. "Her emotions took over. If I hadn't been there, she definitely would've been killed."

"Thank goodness for you," I acknowledged. I thought about the two young soldiers and how Mikasa looked at Eren on the way back from the expedition, as well as how she held his hand as we took the proverbial walk of shame through town. "But you should remember that she's a teenage girl and Eren's her swain, Levi. I'm sure anyone in her position would've-"

"And you should remember that acting in the heat of the moment is the most surefire way to get yourself killed, if not you, your comrades." He leaned back and sighed, gently rubbing his leg with his free hand. His knees weren't crossed as usual. The wide set position didn't suit him very well. "It's dangerous to work with her if Eren's involved... Fucking troublesome the shit is... Made her lose her mind..."

I shifted in my place. Something told me he wasn't referring to Mikasa. "Are you talking about... love?"

He eyed me from above the rim, seemingly aware that I was testing him. "It's exactly what I'm talking about." He got up to leave, but not before closing the window and gently handing me my temperature-safe tea. "We didn't have this conversation." 

"If you say so," I replied casually, taking a sip, "Thank you, Levi."

"Goodnight," he said softly despite his harsh visage.

"Goodnight... Levi."

I went to bed, still worried about how the capture was going to take place. I replayed scenario after scenario over and over again in my head, but the same result kept ending my thoughts.

 

* * *

 

My prediction turned out to be exactly what happened. As the first and second plans failed, I hid beside a second floor window, clutching my trigger. I pulled it within seconds of the others. The female titan fell. The trap was rolled over. Hange jumped down. She kicked out the entire first floor of the opposing building and discarded our traps as if they were a breakable finish line.

"Johan! Simone! Out the back and after her! Pick up any civilians in her wake! Bring them to the safe zones! Avoid any open air!"

"Right!" My teammates called as they dispersed through the back windows. Just as I jumped out, a second flash beaconed the sky. Atta boy, Eren! I circled the city, gathering and treating the wounded when I came upon a small high class girl wandering alone. She was covered in blood. I immediately swooped down and scooped her up. She began to cry and clung to me with all her strength.

"There, there, sweetie. Don't worry. I'm gonna get you safe." I soothed.

"Captain Levi..." she cried.

"Huh?"

"Humanity's Strongest Soldier... Is he going to save us?"

"I'm sure he will," I affirmed, "As will all his friends. We're pretty strong, too."

I continued running along the rooftops until I found a familiar face initiating an evacuation.

"Gustav!" I yelled from the sloping shingles. His eyes lit up.

"This your guys' doing? What's going on?"

"Two titans! A fifteen a fourteen meter are fighting in the city! Adjust the evac.!"

He cringed his face. "Hey...! That's crazy...! You're joking...! Right...?" He joined me on the rooftop and looked upon the destruction of the city that was yet to meet his temporary jurisdiction for the duration of Commander Pixis’ routine chess match with the local baron, I assumed.

"Believe me now?" I said as I gently rocked the little girl in my arms, "Where's Leo stationed?" He snickered.

"Rose up so fast you think you can order around the other ranks, Bel?" I glared at him to instill my urgency. "He's not with us anymore. Transferred to the Military Police. Didn't he tell you?"

I transferred the girl to his arms. "Take care of her!"

"Hey! Wait!" I took off before he could finish. "Be safe!" He yelled from the distance.

Leo.

In the Military Police.

I have my upper hand.

Father.

"Team Leader Vanteon! The operation's over!"

"We're being called to the wall! Eren won!"

My teammates and I made our way to the rooftop before the two giant skeletons, reminiscent of the colossal fight. Armin was tending to Eren, and Hange and a group of other Scouts were netting a large crystal containing a body. The wall itself was studded with holes and, from the largest hole...

... was the face of a titan. I recognized Mikasa hanging right next to it.

"Bel Squad!" Hange called up to us, "Quick! We need a huge ass tarp to cover the wall!" She was beside a well-known Wallist. I didn't know his name, but recognized his face from court…

We had to patch together a couple dozen regular tarps in order to cover the immense hole. Other soldiers got to filling the other spaces with fast acting cement. Everyone was tense and uneasy, most notably Hange. She was nowhere near her bubbly self.

"You're all dismissed, Bel Squad," she dryly waved us away. Rather than question her, we left her alone. Simone and Johannes returned to headquarters. I caught sight of Levi and jumped down to join him in his carriage as the giant crystal was being loaded. I slipped into the other side and sat before him.

"Yo." I casually greeted him. He was wearing my blazer and his ODM harness, despite being restricted to off duty work. I dismissed the sight.

"What are you doing here, Kitten."

"I need to talk to you about something."

"If it's about my leg, forget it; it's fine."

"It's not your leg." The carriage started to move. "Where are we headed?"

He elegantly crossed his arms and legs with no sign of flinching. He was in much better health. I was glad. "We're hauling the bitch to the underground for safe keeping."

"That's oddly convenient." I brushed a lock of hair from my face. "Were you there when it ended?"

"Yeah. As you can see, we failed. She sealed herself inside."

"Who would've thought she could use that ability in such a way..."

"Spit it out."

"Alright, alright." I leaned forward. Taking up my request for privacy, he shut the windows and did the same. "I need some time on leave."

"The fuck for?"

"Leo's switched over to the Military Police, and the situation at hand can give me just the right amount of cover to slip underground and weed out the crime ring responsible for attacking my mother." He sighed and leaned back into his earlier position.

"Check yourself in with the wounded, Kitten. You've obviously been knocked around shitless." I leaned closer to him and spoke lowly.

"Levi! Please! I won't be alone! I remember how to live there! I'll survive and figure them out!"

"It's too dangerous. It's not like you're going down for a single assassination and back. That gang must have active members all over every fucking city. Plus, you just got a promotion. You're responsible for their lives now."

"I know! But-" He pushed me back and cornered me with both his hands on the edges of my seat.

"How do you think they found her, Bel? Weren't you afraid they would come after you, too?"

"I know that! But if I don't go after them, who will? The MP's aren't competent enough. If not them, who will stop them from killing more innocent people?"

"They. Will. Never. Stop," he forebode threateningly, "I know how people like them work. Better than you. I..." he looked down for a moment before continuing, "People used to hire me to take them out... They put up nasty fights, Bel! Fucking trust me!" My face grew blank. Regret rippled through his face and he dropped his forehead to my shoulder. "Forget I said that," he muttered. The silky strands of his hair felt good against my cheek. The caravan hit a bump and he landed against me. "Ugh, sorr-"

Instead of righting him, I held him tight. I needed to know what it would feel like. He emptied a sharp inhale from his lungs signify the shock, but he remained in my arms. "It's ok... Levi. I'll trust you..."

I lied.

 

* * *

 

We finished tying down the girl named Annie.

"So since she's gone and locked herself up, we have nothing to back up the Commander huh?" I observed.

"Yeah," he replied, "She left us in the dark." I took the time to observe the girl.

"She's really young... Too young to be behind something so massive..."

"The same goes for Eren."

"True, but... she's taken so many lives... how painful it must be to carry such a weight..." My voice trailed off. I caught his gaze from the corner of my eye, but he quickly glanced away.

"Kids haven't been able to be kids for a long time." He gave me a gentle nudge with his elbow. "We can both attest to that shitty upbringing, can’t we?" I brought my hand up to where he touched me.

"Yeah..."

"What. Did that tiny little nudge hurt?" I jerked my hands to my sides.

"No, that's not it."

"If you say so, Kitten." He looked back towards the crystal, a firm glower etching his features  and his fingers tapping against his outer arm from their crossed position.

"I saved a little girl," I started, "She asked about you."

His fierce gaze lessened a bit, "Let me guess. Yay-high. Curly hair?"

"Yeah... how do you know her?"

"I made a house call a while ago to negotiate with a sponsor."

"Isn't that the Commander's job?"

He uncrossed his arms and scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, but the sponsor's daughter wanted to meet me, so I had no choice but to go and appease the brat." A frown crossed his lips again. "Had to talk her out of joining the military, too, but that secured us another future sponsor."

"Had to? That's..." A soft smile warmed my lips. "... really sweet."

"We'll need all the help we can get now that the Corps. are going to be facing more opposition than ever."

"That's not what I-"

A Scout entered the room.

"Captain Levi. Hange called for you." He then turned to leave the room with the messenger, stone faced and arms folded.

"Take care, Levi," I said just before he stepped out the door. He glanced over his shoulder before leaving.

"You too, Bel."


	27. Resolve

As soon as he was completely gone, I went above ground and whistled a certain song outside the MP HQ.

"I thought it'd be you," said the familiar voice from around the corner.

"Congratulations, Leo."

"Thanks Bel." He caught me in a huge hug.

"Anything else about Ethan's murder?"

"They dropped the case. The entire thing. Just like that."

"Seriously? A soldier's murder?! How could they?!"

"My thoughts exactly. That's why I've been spending the last couple days in the caseroom."

"You're allowed in there? I thought newbies had to work up their privileges, even in the Military Police."

"It's worse than I thought. There's absolutely no discipline here. I heard a rookie tried to talk down an illegal weapons exchange the other day and got his ass kicked."

"Jeeze..." I could hardly believe it. Humanity's top potential being wasted away as such. "Any chance you could get me into those records?"

"Yeah. It'll be way easy." He led me by the shoulder. "Let's just get you a uniform."

 

* * *

 

We spent the next several hours in the dark room without a single disturbance, fighting the pressure to sleep and tasting the higher quality rations of the police. We could have even stole the entire database and no one would have noticed anything was missing until we were long gone.

"Vicente! There you are!" Leo quickly pushed me behind a bookcase as a soldier came in. I glared at him and mouthed 'What the fuck?!', but he ignored me.

"Yeah?" Leo replied as nonchalantly as he could.

"Dude..." I peeked between a couple books to see the soldier wearing a disgusted look upon his face, "What the hell are you still doing with those?"

"I'm, er, studying up to handle future cases better."

"Whatever. The guys are going out for drinks. Come with us. It'll be your last chance to prove you're not a complete loser," he said before trodding off. I sat up from where I fell and dusted myself off.

"I should get going now. Who knows what's happened at headquarters in the time I've been here." I scooped up the notes I took and slipped off Leo's MP jacket, revealing my Wings of Freedom underneath.

"Alright," he replied somewhat disappointedly, "Oh, and these are to go to your superiors. They're Annie Leonhart's, the titan girl's background information." He handed me a file report, "Take care on your way out."

"Always am." I assured right before jumping out the window.

I was redirected to the section of Wall Rose near Castle Utgaard.

"Thanks, Bel," said Hange as I handed her the papers. She seemed sullen, and not really herself. I thought it time to speak up.

"What's been going on that has you so grim, Hange?"

"So many things..." she trailed off before explaining, "Titans were spotted in Wall Rose." I couldn't help it, but immediately thought of Levi, injured and unable to fight at full strength. I then thought of the remaining cadets, who had been sent to the southern rural area without equipment. "I'm gonna need you to get back to your squad and prepare for a counterattack. Erwin's in Hermina. Godspeed." A bird flew by, whistling Leo's song.

"Yes, Squad Leader Hange." I gave her a salute. "Success to your attack."

"To you too, Bel."

When I was out of her sight, I called for the bird: Emergency in Hermina. Garrison and Scout Commanders present.

I had been running around all day. Another side trip wouldn't hurt, but my duty came first. I departed for Hermina without feeling a least bit wayworn. The countless sullen faces of the refugees fueled my strength.

"Commander Erwin!" I called out when I spotted him and my former Garrison Commander above the wall. I stood before them and offered a salute.

"Thank you, Vanteon, " Erwin initiated, "What brought you away from your team?" Whoops. Had to think fast.

"I brought Annie Leonhart's background check to Squad Leader Hange, Sir."

"Good job, Bel." He motioned with his head towards a carriage station. "Join the others. We'll be moving out soon."

"Yes Sir!" I gave my regards to my former Garrison Commander and descended the wall.

The town was packed with refugees and soldiers from all branches. Word was quickly getting around about the situation surrounding the walls, or lack of breech thereof.

"Sent you guys out here so soon, Leo?" I found him leaning outside the barn. I peeked inside to see Levi with the pastor and exhaled in relief. Leo visibly rolled his eyes, so I turned my attention back to him. He seemed tired of his squad's company, whom were conversing noisily inside.

"Yeah. It's serious," he replied dryly, "Good thing I saved your ass and got you back before they figured you out."

"I handled that myself, thanks. Hange sent me back here anyways, so in other words…" I playfully shoved him. "… you didn't do shit." He laughed.

"Hey, I tried!" He stopped when he noticed me looking in the window again. "Well..." he gave up. "Let's go inside. You want to see him."

 

* * *

 

He pointed out a few MP officers and disclosed a few anecdotes about them. I didn't pay attention much, as my eyes darted around the room, acknowledging and memorizing all the soldiers' faces. I recognized Jean and a few other Scouts. A couple of restless MPs began to complain.

"And that's... my happy bunch," Leo commented sarcastically.

"Hey, hey! We've come all this way, expecting a full blown emergency, and what do we find? Everything's so damn peaceful!" the officer whined.

"... Aside from your bitching..." I commented to Leo, whom chuckled.

"That's about right," he replied, "Try bunking with these assholes..."

"Uh, you're one of them," he shoved me and I snickered.

The man then turned to Levi. "Hey Levi! Where's our prey?"

I nudged Leo and leaned towards him. "Check this out," I whispered, "Levi's gonna roast."

"On a first name basis now? Wow..." he grumbled, but looked towards the coverless carriage where Levi and the pastor were sitting.

"Oh." His steely eyes widened ever so slightly in amusement as he lifted a casual elbow over the wagon's edge. "You guys regret that it's peaceful here, huh? Sorry for not providing you with a hot titan date." He elegantly crossed a leg and went on. "Well, you may be outta luck this time around, but you know... there're always plenty of opportunities to go outside the walls on a scouting expedition." His eyes narrowed mockingly as he continued addressing the officer. "So how about we all join forces and go fight titans? You know, you and us, together, side by side?"

Leo chuckled again and spoke lowly over to me, "Wow. I can hate him a little less now," he scratched his nose.

A friend of the questioning MP officer took a hand to his shoulder and pushed him back. "Well... we, uh... We have our work to inland, so-"

He was cut off by an unfamiliar Garrison soldier whom burst into the station screaming. "The vanguard is back! Somebody inform Commander Pixes!"

"I'm on it!" I yelled as I ran outside. I quickly rappelled up the wall and landed before the Commanders.

"Bel, my lovely!" Pixes began, "Back so soon?"

I stood at attention, "The Garrison vanguard has returned with news! Please come with me!" The surprise startled their expressions, then they followed me down the wall and back into the depot. The uproarious crowd hushed and parted as the Commanders walked forward. Everyone had stood up, and the messenger kneeled. His face was gravely distressed. Commander Pixes bent forward upon his knees to provide him psychological relief and instigate his report.

"We-we found no abnormalities or breaches in the wall!" The messenger reported.

"I see, I thought so," affirmed Commander Pixes.

"B-but the situation is grave anyway! When we were on our way back to Trost, we encountered the Scouting Legion forces led by Hange! They had several new recruits from the 104th trainee squad unequipped with 3DM gear! Among those recruits...! There were three...! Who turned out to be titans!"

"That's old news," I scoffed to Leo.

"You withheld vital information. I'm gonna have to hang you for treason," he joked back.

Jean lurched towards the messenger, eyes frenzied. "What the hell are you saying?! There... there were more titans among them?! Th-three, you say?! Who?!"

"Jean, wait." Commander Erwin blocked him with an arm. "What happened after? Had their identities been exposed?"

"The Scouting Legion engaged the colossal titan and the armored titan! When we joined in the battle, it was already too late...! And in the end...!" He began to hyperventilate. I rushed to his side and gently rubbed his back.

"Take a break. Deep ones, slowly now, ok?" I soothed. Everyone waited patiently for him to speak.

"Eren Jaeger was kidnapped... alongside Ymir, another 104th graduate..." he stated raggedly. The shock rippled through the crowd like a drop of water in a quiet pond, undisturbed by the solemn gravity.

"Do you know her intentions?" asked Commander Erwin.

"No... Sir..."

"Alright," he glanced at Jean and nodded.

"Who..." the chestnut and ash haired boy began, his fists clenched with whitened tendons, "Were the armored and colossal titans..."

"Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover."

Jean's face twisted with hues of wrath, agony, and betrayal as the messenger said the names. He then stormed out of the station. I nodded towards Leo, whom followed after him.

"Are you alright, Soldier?" I asked the man as I continued rubbing his back.

"Ease up," said Commander Erwin before turning towards the soldiers, "Scouts! Prepare for the rescue mission!" All soldiers wearing wings scattered and left the depot, leaving the MP officers and Garrison soldiers to Commander Pixes. The soldier stopped trembling and nodded.

"Vanteon." Commander  Erwin turned back to me.

"Sir!" I stood up and saluted.

"You have 5 hours to modify your gear to your plans' completion and get used to it. We're not going to pass up a single chance to move forward."

"Thank you, Commander." He left the station and I exited through the opposite door and stepped into the shade of the trees. Someone grabbed my arm.

"Kitten." It was Levi. I slammed my notebook shut.

"Yeah?"

"HQ's in the opposite direction. Don't tell me you have other plans."

"I do, Captain."

"You already finished all the modifications, didn't you?" I placed a hand upon his, in attempt to convince him to drop his hold. Instead, he slid to my wrist.

"How could I have possibly done that without clearance?"

"I saw you, Bel."

"Stalking me, Captain?"

He glowered angrily at me. "You have to stop breaking the rules. I can't guarantee I can get you out of prison a second time if you get your dumb ass into any deeper shit."

"I know what I'm doing." I looked him straight in the eye. "My heart's among our soldiers. The preservation of life is my highest goal, and I won't bend unnecessarily..." I twisted my wrist to clasp my hand into his, intertwining our fingers, and leaned towards him. "I learned that from you, Levi." I kept a straight face as I lingered upon the two syllables that formed his name. He could no longer phase me. I had gained control over my crush on him since his rejection the other day.

"Do what you want then." He dropped my hand and crossed his arms as he turned to walk away.

"I'm going to the wall to tend to Hange and her squad." He stopped.

"Make sure you at least get some rations into your system. I can hear your loud ass bowels from all the way over fucking here," he grunted, "...and..." He stopped walking for a moment. "... come back alive and well... that's an order too."

"I promise." I shot him a warm smile. He immediately turned his head in the opposite direction,  "You take care too, Levi," I replied before making yet another long distance trip.

When I finally arrived, I refilled my gas and jogged to Hange and her troops.

 

* * *

 

"Hange! I'm here to help!" She was sitting down and massaging her temple. "How are your Scouts?"

"Mostly suffering burns of various degrees and dehydration. Check the nearest supply checkpoints for supplies."

"Right away!"

The burns from the titan steam fortunately turned out not to be severe. Pretty much all the soldiers needed were copious amounts of fresh drinking water and aloe. If anything, they were just shaken up and exhausted. It was especially so with the 104th graduates. I let Armin take care of a passed out Mikasa while I looked over the others. The hours flew by, and Gustav and his partner in command, Hannes, came by with a few other soldiers to hand out rations. Mikasa had woken up, and Hannes sat down with the two cadets. By the time the Commander and rest of the Scouts arrived, most of the recovering soldiers were asleep. Not for long, though, as they came up on horses. Fatigued groans rumbled behind me as I stood up to salute the Commander. Garrison soldiers began readying an elevator not too far away.

"Good job, Bel. I hope you gave yourself enough time to familiarize yourself with your gear," Commander Erwin stated, a little skeptically.

"One trip to the wall was all I needed, Sir." He gave a nod of approval. "We're lucky to have you, Bel." A throng of MP officers, including Leo, followed behind him. Hange groggily stirred and grabbed the Commander's foot as he dismounted his horse.

"Hange!" He exclaimed surprisedly.

"G-give me... the map..." she stuttered. We all gathered around her as she explained the best course of action. We were to head for a forest of trees, smaller than that of the previous expedition, but the most likely destination for the teenage rogues. I met up with my teammates, and our multibranch alliance set out.


	28. Amputee's Lament

As we disembarked, everyone wore glum faces, especially the MP officers. The formation was stark quiet. The atrabilious air finally got past the comfort of my squadmates, who rode up on my flanks. Johannes stood up on his horse and shouted to me.

"You know where you are?!"

"What?" I glanced at him. Simone rode up on my other side and also stood up.

"You're on the frontier, baby!"

"You're going to, die~!" They both leaned over me and screamed out the notes in unison. I kept forward and scolded them. "Shut up! You fucking vultures!" Leo's laughter erupted from behind us and I couldn't help but laugh as well. Satisfied with my change of mood, they high fived over my crouched head and went back to their usual spots.

Red flares arose in the distance, followed by the leading green flare.

"Fire away, Simone! We're making the turn to the forest Hange pointed out!" I turned to the people behind me, including Leo. "Ready up, everybody!" He returned a nod as the lush canopy appeared above the horizon. Streaks of citrus and magenta lined their branches. I squinted my eyes to the bases of the trunks. "Titan cluster in the forest! None appear to be our targets! Prepare for combat!"

"Negative, Vanteon!" An officer rode up upon our flanks and revised my orders. "Combat is not the priority! It's retrieving Eren Jaeger!" He turned his attention to my squad. "As for you three, you do what you do best! Keep a special eye on the MP's!" We gave a nod and he rode off, but not before giving a playful grin to Leo and his squad of MPs. A flash lit up the forest, revealing waves of low meter class titans.

"Get ready!" I shouted behind me.

Already, a casualty was scooped up by a titan. I stood up on my horse and prepared to jump.

"Simone! Make the catch! Johannes! Make the kill! I'm gonna lead it out!" I triggered my grapple and swung around the titan, wary of the others in the area. However, it didn't seem interested in me. I switched to the barbed wiring, tripped the beast, and caused it to regurgitate the soldier. Johannes sliced its nape and retreated to a high branch as Simone prepared to make the catch.

"No good! The bite's clean!" She announced. I shuddered as I averted my eyes from the half-eaten carcass.

A second flash illuminated the brush. The surrounding soldiers, including the cadets took after the trees and sailed into the disappearing light. I could read the determination in their passing faces. Their tunnel vision took full rein of their young passions.

"Follow them! Protect the cadets! Don’t lose a single one of them!" I ordered. We traversed the trees, evading the grasps of giant hands and cutting down those who attained our comrades. Before we knew it, we made it to the end of the small forest. The armored titan came into view, and it was retreating. Reiner was retreating with a four meter titan, Eren, and Bertholdt upon his shoulders.

"All squads!" The Commander shouted, "Charge ahead and disregard the titans! Just let them follow you!"

"You heard the man! Go!" I shouted as I scoured the ground for my horse.

"Bel Team!" Leo shouted out right before slapping the rears of our horses and sending them forward. The three of us landed one after the other. I nodded thanks to Leo as he rode off to join his ranks. The herd of titans thundered behind us as the hooves of our horses were rendered incomparable.  We caught up to the cadets and could better make out the conditions of our pursuees. Eren was restrained to Bertholdt's back, suggesting that he did, in fact put up a fight. He appeared unconscious...

The four meter titan suddenly regurgitated a Scout soldier with long blonde hair. I recognized her as Christa. The boys often talked about her, but from what I've heard, there seemed to be a very special bond between her and the other girl in the rogue company.

Our troops swiftly made their way in time with the armored titan's footsteps. The Commander raised a hand as a signal.

"Recall the anatomy of the armored titan!" he called out, "Bel Squad! To the front! Get ready to attack!"

We rode up into the ranks and stood up on our horses. Hannes and some others did the same from not too far away.

"Now!" The Commander ordered. I jumped up and rounded the armored titan's ankles, aiming for the soft flesh at the inner joints. As I raised my arms, another soldier crashed into me, sending us both to the ground in the paths of the upcoming horses. I rolled against the ground, trying to dodge the incoming hooves until jamming a sword into the ground to stop my movement. The blade shattered and the pieces shot out along the grass. I scrambled furiously for the end of the formation, nearly causing soldiers and their mounts to tumble. The soldier who had fallen alongside me was nowhere to be found.

"Bel!" I heard Leo call out from somewhere amongst the military stampede. When I looked up, a soldier's boot swung against my jaw and knocked me into a nearby bush. It was covered in thorns. I groaned as I fought for my composure. Punctures stung from all over my body, but that would be the least of my worries. The titans continued to run. I turned around and sprinted as fast as I could, jamming my index fingers into the corners of my mouth to whistle my horse. Any horse. The footsteps got louder.

A lone soldier broke from the formation, charging in my direction.

"Leo!" I reached out for him as he reached for me.

"Look out!" he yelled. I looked behind me to see a titan lunging for me. I threw myself to the side, but the titan caught my hair in its jaws. It had come undone when I was thrown. I was raised into the air. I grabbed my pocket knife and cut off my hair from the base of my ribbon. The scarlet fabric fluttered to the ground.

As I fell along with it, Leo had lunged from his horse, dragged his blade across his chest...

... and transmogrified into a titan.

 

* * *

 

He caught me into his steaming hand, let me down gently, and stormed off towards the other titans.

My jaw fell agape. I hardly noticed that his horse had stopped beside me. He let out a loud cry, identical to the first notes of the song, as if he was telling me to run. I gathered my senses, mounted his horse, and sped away.

I couldn't find the troops. I lost sight of the armored titan as well.

I had fallen that far behind?

My squad...

Everyone...

Please be ok!

I continued down the path I last saw them until I heard collective shouts of the soldiers. I stopped, listened, then turned towards the directions of their shouting where I came upon the gruesome sight of the armored titan covered in numerous others. The Scouts were leading the charge into the senseless atrocity taking place. It seemed Commander Erwin had given the last order. I tapped my heels to Leo's horse and leaned forward, putting my body in the optimal position for the horse's top speed. I could make out the sleek blonde undercut of the Commander riding beside the 104th cadets.

Then an aberrant locked his arm into its jaws. His legs flailed into the air as the young faces gaped in horror.

"Advance!" he ordered as the titan visibly clamped down upon the deep hollow where his deltoid met his bicep, "Eren is right in front of you! Advance!" Other titans followed suit of their aberrant counterpart and continued picking off soldiers by the mouthful.

The cadets charged ahead, leaving the Commander behind.

I weighed my choices.

The only person who could save the Commander was me!

I charged for the tetraploid monster and looped behind for its nape. Engaging the sharp wire, I sliced out the nape with one blade and slashed open the titan's jaw with the other.

"Forgive me, Commander!" I apologized as I shoved him onto Leo's horse rather than catch him myself. I was sure I could carry Levi, but I wasn't sure I could support a man of his size under these conditions. I tucked my feet into the stirrups and maneuvered the horse out of the collapsing shadow of the titan. I remained standing as I tightened a tourniquet around his severed arm and deterred the horse from the carnivorous bloodbath, searching for a safe place to give proper first aid and increase his chances of survival from the massive bleeding.

He had other ideas.

He tore the reins from my fingers with his only hand and turned us around. In less than seconds, and without saying a word, he had left and returned to the aid of the cadets.

I was foolish.

I kept him from his goal, the goal of the mission, but I had no time for shame. I joined in the fight to ensure his path was clear.

"All units pull back!" he screamed as Eren fell into Mikasa's arms. He was falling.

I had to catch him whether I thought I could or not. I grappled for his rescue, pushing my gas to the limit to reach the freefalling man.

We crashed to the ground together, my body lessening his impact with the ground. I pushed him up and towards Leo's horse as a pair of searing lips closed over me. As the titan threw its head back to swallow, I caught a glimpse of the Commander riding away.

Thank goodness.

I switched out my blades and decapitated the titan from inside its throat and jumped out, covered in its vaporizing blood and saliva. In the air, I scoured the area for a horse, but to no avail. I pulled my triggers for the gas, but to no avail.

Fuck.

This is where I die.

I braced myself to hit the ground and landed in a boiling pool of blood and dirt. I stood up and readied to fight.

However, the titans had diverted their attention...

... on each other.

I fell to my knees in shock as the scarlet pool evaporated around me.

The sight was terrifyingly gruesome.

It reminded me of the carnage of the underground city.

A roar sounded, bringing me back to my senses.

I looked around.

No living soldiers.

No horses.

Only cannibalism and mutilated bodies of once brave souls.

What should I do...?

'Run,' my mother's voice echoed in my mind. I fell back. The soggy grass squished beneath me.

Should I search the bodies for gas?

'Run... run... run!'

I slipped onto my feet and sprinted with all my might, dropping my empty gas and blade canisters and picking out the stray thorns and needles from my body that were beginning to push their presence into my pain threshold.

The roar sounded again.

I was scooped up into colossal hands and placed upon a burning shoulder. Without skin, the titan's surface was extremely hot. I jammed my knife into its supple trapezius to keep myself from falling. I looked upon its profile.

It was Leo's titan.

He was running me to safety.

"Leo!" He nodded and whistled his song through his teeth as he ran. I was comforted by the reassuring melody as he made his way towards the small forest of giant trees. Looking left and right to ensure there were no titans around, he leaned over a large protruding branch and let me off so I could catch my breath. When I jumped off, he rested his chin upon the bark. His eyes softened and he submissively cocked his head. I stared, observing the titan that suddenly became of my old friend. He didn't look menacing. Even in what would be a terrifying form, he retained his characteristic gentleness. I reached out to touch his nose and he let out a soft whimper. If he had lips, he'd be smiling. I stood up and reached for his hair, which lay flopped upon the center of his forehead. It was coarse, like a horse's tail, but retained his original chestnut brown color. He closed his eyes and made a sound that seemed to be purring. A smile forced its way onto my face.

"How tall are you?" I asked. He flashed all his fingers once, then held up seven. Seventeen meters. "Wow..." I exhaled, then was suddenly reminded of the Commander's condition. As many questions as I wanted to ask him, such as how the hell he was a titan, I had an important duty to fulfill to my Commander. I shook my head and pointed in the direction of the wall.

"I need you to run me home as fast as you possibly can, Leo. The Commander's in critical condition, and he needs me. Please?" He nodded and placed me upon his head. I held tightly onto his hair as he broke into a mad dash towards the wall, uprooting a portion of the massive tree with the magnitude of his takeoff. We had made it to the wall within a minute.

But I had no gas.

"Son of a..." I growled as I leaned my forehead against the wall, "I'm out of gas, Leo." He snarled lightly and plucked me off of his head. He tossed me up a small height and caught me as I fell back down.

"Hell fucking no!" I screamed, "You are not gonna throw me all forty three meters up the fucking wall!" His shoulders heaved as he made sounds that mimicked laughter. He lowered me to the ground, bent over and emerged from a curtain of thick vapor. His uniform jacket was gone and his myriad of moles were visible through his white steam-soaked and ripped-at-the-chest tee shirt. His hair was slicked back as well.

"Up you go, Guillotina," he stated as he threw me over his shoulder and carried us up the wall. His discarded titan disappeared into the night. No one could have seen him.

"Thanks Leo." I affectionately pat his shivering back. As thanks, I draped my cloak around him, which was warmed by the evaporating titan blood. "Get dry quick and take care." He clenched his teeth and gave me a thumbs up as I took off towards the torched receiving station.


	29. More than a Dream

"Johannes! Simone!" I shouted when I recognized the backs of my teammates. Their eyes widened when they saw me.

"Good lord, Bel!" Johannes saluted me.

"Thank God you're alive!" Simone ran towards me for a hug, but I stopped her with my hand.

"The Commander." I stated towards Johannes.

"He fell unconscious and was rushed to the town ER five blocks west from the square." He motioned in the direction.

"Thanks. Simone. I need your gas equipment." Without hesitation, she gave me her gear and I was off.

 

* * *

 

I skid through the open hospital door and ran to the desk.

"Where's Commander Erwin?" I barked.

"He just went in. You can wait for him. Please take a se-" I slammed a fist upon the counter.

"My name is Bel Vanteon! I'm a trained associate of the late Dr. Hariss Karr! I know the Commander has suffered a guillotine amputation of his upper arm and unless your staff includes a trained professional you'll have the Commander's death riding on-!"

"Easy there, Guillotina." I whipped around to see Dr. Boyle, the man who had treated me in Trost. He signed a paper and handed it to the receptionist. "You're gonna have to let her through. We need all the help we can get. Plus, there's no way you can convince her to stay put." His eyes gleamed behind his thin-rimmed glasses as he gave me a permissionary wink.

"But Doctor! This soldier-"

"Studied beneath a very well respected man. She's qualified." He turned to me. "Sanitation's in the East wing. The Commander's in OR room four." I nodded my thanks and ran off.

 

* * *

 

My entire body stung as I drenched myself in the sanitizing solution in the shower. I bit down on a washcloth to help tolerate the wash. I was well aware that contamination was a huge deal and going into the OR with open wounds was a bad risk, but I couldn't just stand by. I took extra precautions with the scrubs and entered the bustling room.

"Was his arm retrieved?"

"That's a negative. It was sliced clean off."

"Someone pass the iodine!"

"No!" I shouted, "Use saline! We can't afford to damage anymore tissue!" The inexperienced nurse excused herself and went for the gentler solution. I walked up to the lead doctor. "Bel Vanteon. I was directed here by Dr. Boyle. How's the patient?"

"He was unconscious on arrival. We've stopped the bleeding and are preparing a skin graft and sutures to encase the stump." he spoke loudly and clearly despite his mask.

"Dr. Lusac!" A nurse burst into the room. "Two more soldiers in critical condition just arrived! We need you!"

"How good are you with sutures?" he asked me.

"My specialty, Doctor."

"Great. You're in charge here. Request everything you need from the team." He rushed toward the door and lowered his mask. He was very handsome. "Everybody listen up! I'm handing the reins to Dr. Vanteon! Give her everything she needs!" The nurses nodded and bowed their heads to me in acknowledgement as he left the room.

"I need more saline!" I shouted, "And sutures! Preferably stagged! Someone monitor his vitals and administer morphine as needed!" I observed the patient's body as the nurses scrambled for materials, "We're going to perform a split skin graft, taking the upper dermis from his upper lateral thigh on his left! I also need a dermatome...!"

 

* * *

 

We worked for several hours. With the procedure finally over and the clean bandages in place, I left the clean-up to the others. I didn't know where everything went, anyways. The sun was making its way into the cloud-dotted sky, indicating early morning. I dragged off my bloodstained scrubs in the locker room and stepped into the shower for another decontamination. As I reached for the chrome handle to turn off the water, my hand dropped and my eyes closed. I was out before long before I even hit the tiled floor.

 

* * *

* * *

 

'Bel, you've done a beautiful job! Why isn't your sewing this nice?' My mother complained.

'Clothes aren't dying, Mother. It's not that big a deal...' I groaned.

'But I'd like to wear something with this pretty a design!'

'Give it up, Ma,' Beau defended, 'The only way you're ever gonna get that is if you fumble the kitchen knife!' He held up his fist and I bumped mine against his victoriously. 'Jellyfish!' He sang as he morphed his fingers away.

'You're so lame!' I burst out, throwing the dead rat Dr. Hariss had me practice on at him.

'Ugh, disgusting, B! You sure you're not my little brother?'

'Bel Miva Vanteon! You'd better clean that up or else it's going to be your dinner!'

The laughter that filled the tiny shack that day ended my dream.

 

* * *

* * *

 

I opened my eyes to a wooden ceiling. I was about to sit up, but my entire body throbbed with pain. Rolling over to my side, my eyes adjusted to the dull orange light streaming in from the window. The sun was going down, but...

Where was I? I raised a throbbing arm to my head and rubbed my eyes. Noticing a clean damp cloth near a bowl of water, I graciously took it and wiped my face.

Then it hit me.

The soft cloth.

The web-less corners.

The dustless nightstand.

The crisp sheets...

... The clothes I was wearing.

This was Levi's bedroom.

I returned the cloth to the basin and struggled to my elbows.

"Fucking hell..." I grunted as I gave a push to sit up. I ran my fingers through my hair, puzzled by the lack of tangles.

Oh right...

I cut it off.

I searched the drawer for a mirror, but had no luck. Ugh. I would have to walk all the way across his office to get to the bathroom. Just as I was about to fall back into bed in defeat, I spotted an envelope on the other nightstand. I shed a single tear from the stinging as I reached for it. It seemed to have been a potential supply order, as the front had the Survey HQ address in the top left and a famous black tea company address in the center. He had written on the flipside, with no regard for the flap:

"Morning Kitten,

If you're reading this, then I'm still out on some business shit.

Stay in where you are until I come back.

If you fall, no one will be there to pick you up.

Better to wait in bed (my bed, need I remind you) than on the floor.

-Levi"

A slight grin curled my lips as I ran my thumb over his name, feeling the elegant groves of his penmanship. I lifted the flap:

"P. S. Your new haircut looks like shit. Did a titan do it for you?"

I threw the envelope across the room and plopped back down. He tore down his almost non-existent charms as fast as he built them up. A few minutes later, I heard the opening and shutting of the office door, followed by a thump upon the desk and nearing footsteps. I pretended to be asleep when he opened the door. He walked around the bed.

"Hey, brat." I remained silent. "I know you're awake." He waited for my answer. "Oi!" He pat the bed a few times. "Tch." He then yanked off the covers. I reflexively curled up from the sudden cold, which sent a surge of pain through my body. I cried out and my farce was blown. He gave a snark chuckle. "You should've just answered me, Kitten."

"Oww oww oww..." I moaned from my throbbing muscles. He stood there with his arms crossed, still holding the corner of the sheet in his hand.

"Not gonna thank me for hauling your naked ass over here?" He gestured towards the door. "Get out."

"No no no!" I shook my head and hands at him, "Thank you! Thank you fo-" I blinked. I was naked.

I was naked.

I was...

... Naked!

He read my face. "Would you rather have been found by the hospital staff creeps?" I buried my face in the other end of the sheet. He gave it a sharp tug. "Hey, calm down! I didn't even look at you! It was still dark in there, so I just threw a towel over you, grabbed your stuff, and carried you out."

"Then how did I get into these clothes?" I said, still muffled in the sheet.

"I can't hear you, brat."

"You changed me!"

"Tch, for the love of-" he yanked the covers from my hands. I fell forward onto my face. "Speak up! Or don't. I don't really want to hear your fucking whining..." I turned my face away from him.

"Thank you..." I muttered. He loosened his cravat.

"You're. Welcome." He walked around the bed and wrung out the cloth.

"Thanks for that, too."

"What, this? This wasn't for you. I was just letting it soak after I used it to wipe my ass." My jaw dropped. He smirked mischievously. "Just kidding." My hand clamped to my face.

"Ugh, Levi... Levi-Levi-Levi." I sighed as I rubbed my face. He flipped out the fresh cloth, sending a few cool droplets in my direction.

"So," he began, "You do have a mole beneath your left breast. Thought I was mistaken last time."

What.

Last time...?

"When did..." I suddenly remembered the second time we met, when I was in the Garrison. "You son of a-!" I forcefully grabbed his cravat and more waves of pain dulled my movement. He snickered mockingly.

"Better stop jumping around, Kitten." I gave him a look of annoyed defeat and let the soft cotton slip from my fingers. I sat back down and popped the collar of the pajama top.  The cold was beginning to get to me without my hair covering my neck. Although it had buttons, it was a much larger size than his usual dress shirts, allowing enough room to stay shut. Snug, but shut. I undid the top two buttons for comfort, propped up his pillow, and leaned against the headboard.

"How's the Commander?" I asked as I crossed my legs and gently stretched my arms over my head. He emptied the bowl out the window.

"Still high as balls from the pain medicine, but gonna live..." he said as he wiped down the bowl with a dry cloth.

"Yeah. I wanted him as comfortable as possible, so I left the order for high doses."

"... thanks to you." He finished. I cocked my head.

"Well, yeah... It's my job..."

"Your job is to be a soldier."

"I can do more than that."

"I know... I saw you operating."

"Hmm?"

He plopped down on the edge of the bed before continuing. "I've never had to skip out on an excursion since I joined the Scouts. I couldn't help it. I paced back and forth in front of the gates all fucking day from the moment you all left."

"But your leg..."

"Endurance therapy," he replied smartly. I smiled and let it slide. "Anyways, when the bells rang, I flagged down the first soldier to clear the concrete. It turned out to be the redheaded dunce from your squad."

"Johannes..."

"Whatever..." He ran a nervous hand through his hair. I leaned forward upon my knees. "Well first I asked about Erwin. He said he'd lost an arm and was gonna get rushed in. Then I asked about you, then he just looked down and..."

"Go on."

"Don't rush me!" He grit his teeth. "Well since you weren't with him, I assumed the worst, but... I had to see for myself. I jumped an elevator, climbed on a crate, and looked around. I was glad to see all the cadets alright but... I couldn't find you anywhere... and..." I gently placed a hand atop his. He covered his face with his other. The tips of his ears reddened. He abruptly stood up and faced the window. "I finally caught sight of that clumsy giant you call your friend, and he said you ran off to the ER, so I took his maneuver gear and headed over."

"Please tell me he offered it to you..."

"He did... after I kicked him."

"Levi!"

"It was completely fucking justified! The MP scumbag was wearing a Scout cloak! Your! Scout cloak!" I clamped my mouth shut and looked away. "Anyways," he continued, "When I got there, the receptionist was a bitch, so I snuck past her."

"I'll attest to that..." I replied as rolled my eyes. A half smile curled a corner of his lips.

"I found Erwin, and saw you working. You were so absorbed, and even the nurses stared at you like you were, just, something else..." He nervously tugged his cravat back into place. "It was incredible..."

I stared at him as he glowered at the floor. When our eyes met, I suddenly found his dresser interesting. "Incredible would be a bit much," I said modestly to the sparkling brass handles, "I just happened to have three dreams, and decided to take the path where I could practice them all..."

"Three, huh?"

"Yeah, to save wounded soldiers, kinda gotta be one, and a medic too. To study titans, you have to be in the Survey Corps..."

"What made you wanna study them? Same as Hange?"

"No, I've never really hated them."

"That's a first."

"They may be just like any other animal: born without choice, instinctive without reasoning why... that's what sets humans apart. We can think about the way we think..." I trailed off, not wanting to bore him with my reflecting. "But most important to me is being a medic."

"You're no medic. Medics only do first aid. They don't do shit fancy suturing and skin grafts..." He wrinkled his nose. "Which I find disgusting, by the way."

"What? How?"

"You fucking took skin from Erwin's ass and sewed it into his arm!"

"It saved his life!"

"It's still gross."

His response threw me into a light fit of laughter. It hurt, but I couldn't stop.

"Oi." He lightly bumped my head. "Enough, you're sore as fuck as it is." I wiped the tears from my eyes and sat back with a loud sigh.

"So, how long are you gonna confine me here, Captain?" I gave him a playful wink as he unbuttoned his shirtcuffs.

"You're free to go whenever the fuck you want. Preferably soon, because I want to sleep in my own bed tonight." I swung my legs over the side of the bed and tested my range of motion. It hurt, but I could manage to walk.

"And my stuff?"

"It's all in your room. And you can give me my clothes back tomorrow. Just wash them first."

"Why didn't you just change me into my own pajamas?"

"I didn't know where they were."

"Honestly? It wouldn't have been the first time you rummaged through my stuff."

"I couldn't tell the difference between your pajamas and your underwear..." he mumbled.

"Heh heh," I said as I stood up, "You mean you didn't learn anything from breaking into my room and yanking my covers every morning?"

"No. You started wearing your uniform to bed after the first few days, remember?"

"Oh, right." I giggled, then lost my balance but was steadied by his arm around my center. "... Thanks."

"Welcome," he replied, shifting my weight back into balance, "Those are... irrelevant details... anyways."

"If you say so, Levi." I winked as I bent down to retrieve the letter I threw. He smirked and started unbuttoning his shirt.

"Well, I'm gonna shower. When you finally make it to your room, can you bring me some of that... lion shit?"

"You mean tiger balm?"

"Yeah, that."

"Sure, Captain. Wouldn't want to rub lion shit all over your leg."

He clicked his teeth as he slipped his shirt down his shoulders and folded it into his arms, "Alright, I'm not planning to pass out in there. I don't need you here to repay the favor so soon, so go to your own room."

I decided to take the opportunity to mess with him, so I plopped back down upon his bed, delicately crossed my legs, and folded my hands daintily upon my knees. "I didn't plan on it either, Captain..." I said flirtatiously with a bat of eyelashes. He leered at me stone-faced, and proceeded to unbuckle his belt. "Ok! Ok! I'm going!" I blurted as I rushed out with an inflamed face. I heard a triumphant chuckle behind me.


	30. P. O. W.

I hastily returned to my room and sifted through my things. He seemed to have gotten everything. He even washed my uniform. I searched a pocket and took out my knife. Damn, he went as far as to put everything in the right pockets. I grabbed an extra screw from my gear and made another notch, etching a small E next to it as a reminder of my greatest accomplishment thus far. I put them aside and checked my gear. It was my own, not Simone's... Leo must have retrieved it for me. I would have to get new holsters and gas tanks later, as well as thank him for the trouble. Thankfully, my gear and its modifications were intact. After putting everything away and changing into a comfortable set of clothes, I grabbed a small jar of tiger balm and returned to his office. I could tell the water was still running when I held my ear to the door. Small wafts of steam emerged from the door. He must have hurt himself and was taking a warm soak. Instead of going inside, I obeyed the increasing volume of my grumbling stomach and left for the mess hall. I thought I'd bring him a cup of tea, too.

After grabbing a few rolls of bread and snaking a cup of warm broth when the cooks weren't looking, I stealthily made my way up the grand staircase and into the officer's wing. When I returned to his office, the water had stopped. I quickly downed my contraband and gave a slight rap to the door.

"It's open," he called from inside. I procured the jar from my pocket, left the dinnerware in the hall, and opened the door with my hip, careful not to spill his tea. His hair was wet and slicked back, had a towel loosely draped over his shoulders, and was bent over some paperwork. He looked so different without his hair grazing his eyes. It was nice...

"Head's up, Captain," I announced as I lobbed the jar at him.

"Thanks," he said as he caught it without looking up.

"And here's this. Thanks for taking care of me today."

"Ah, thanks." The rich aroma of the tea perked his head and he immediately went for a drink. The apple of his neck gracefully bobbed in unison as he swallowed the sip.

"Well, I'm going to do some work of my own," I said, "Goodnight, Levi."

"Night, Kitten."

 

* * *

 

The next morning after breakfast, I decided to take a saline soak to speed up the healing process. I washed Levi's pajamas and evened out the ends of my new shortly styled hair too. Uncomfortable with the awkward length, I took a razorblade and attempted an asymmetrical style. I didn't think it was that bad. It was different, but not horrible. As I dried my hair, a tiny bird pecked at the window. It was Leo's. I opened the window and untied the string around it's leg: New intel. Meet me outside the hospital's north wing. Keep yesterday a secret.

I assumed he meant his titan secret. I already knew to do that...

I unrolled the rest of the strip: Your midget casanova 'borrowed' my gear yesterday. Bring it back.

I laughed quietly to myself and brought the bird to my room to write out my reply. After sending her out, I collected Levi's clean pajamas, made the peaceful trade, and left the headquarters upon my horse.

After tying him up a distance away to avoid suspicion, I found Leo crouched beneath a window.

‘Hey,’ I mouthed as I joined him.

‘Hey,’ He replied as I passed him the gear, carefully wrapped as to not make clatter. After returning my cloak, he gestured towards the window with his head, telling me to get a peek. I rose my head in the opposing corner to see a husky, middle-aged man sleeping in a hospital bed. On a small table at the foot of the bed was his chart, but I couldn't make out the name...

"Who?" I whispered. He pulled my hand and led us away from the window.

"It's a guy from the capitol who also helps run a brothel in the underground, which doubles as an all-female assassination service. They call themselves 'The Wallflowers'."

My hand rose to my mouth as the memory resurfaced. My two Shiganshina friends had tried to recruit me once. After the attack, I was able to slip away from them without being pursued and forced to take any gruesome oaths to the cause.

"You know them?" He asked upon reading my reaction.

"Yeah..." I replied, "They send out courtesans to entice their target to pay for their services, then kill the man instead..." I swallowed to stifle my tense throat. "They're known for making their marks in... gruesome ways..." Gruesome was an understatement.

"Shit. No wonder they took on that name. I'd leave them alone too if I knew what was coming for me..." I shuddered. "Anyways," he continued, "The boss was planning to have a business meeting with a man of the cartel, but got a bad case of indigestion."

"Haha, wow..." I laughed.

"But that's not the best part," he continued, "The man he's meeting is one he's never met."

"So, when is this?"

"I'm not sure yet, but it's sometime soon."

"Ugh, the timing..." I rubbed my sore muscles.

"I know, I'm sorry, " he replied sympathetically as he laid a hand upon my head, "But this is our chance. I say we go down there in his place."

"I think we'll be too tall if I sit on your shoulders and hide us in a trenchcoat," I joked. He gave a slight laugh.

"Can you bring your squad members?"

"I'll give it a shot," I replied after a little deliberation, "I could get busted, but I'm pretty sure they'll be on board. They owe me a lot."

"Alright, now about how we'll lure him out," he began, "Let's have you and your female comrade pose as Wallflowers, taking advantage as the established 'trust' between the organizations. You can hide gear beneath a bustle, right?"

"Yeah, but Simone won't do that."

"You'll make her. I'm not letting you go through with this alone."

"We'll sort those details later. We need to prepare. I'll get you clearance to go to Trost and pick up anything you need to look convincing, but don't go alone," he shifted his gear on his other arm, “Anything else?"

"About you being a titan..."

"That we don't have time for."

"Well, then I guess that's it."

"One last thing..." his visage turned grave, "There's news about Ethan's murder."

"From?"

"Me."

"... Go on..."

"He was killed by another officer. There was no way it could've been anyone else. On top of that, soldiers have been reported missing."

"Shit... the corruption's worse than I could've imagined..."

"That's not all. It turns out the gang's got members throughout the branches, and their numbers are increasing."

A shiver ran down my spine. "How... on earth are we gonna find out who to trust...?"

He placed a reassuring hand upon my shoulder. "Thankfully, there's a way to find out. Each member has a special tooth implant. It's a ceramic insert, drilled into a molar. Its mechanism releases a drug and causes death within seconds if activated. Look for a target shaped mark, but look closely."

I thought about the time Simone choked during the fifty-fourth expedition. "Simone's clear. I examined her mouth thoroughly, but as for Johannes..." I winced at the thought of the integrous man having a shady secret. "I'll check him out straight away."

"Don't get caught..." he warned as he playfully squeezed my shoulder. It hurt. "I'll send you the bird when I figure out the time and best stairwell to take."

"Alright." He ruffled my hair.

"You're... your new haircut's cute." I smirked.

"We don't have time for that." I mocked. He laughed and affectionately bopped my forehead.

"See ya, Bel."

"See ya, Leo."

 

* * *

 

I returned to headquarters and saddled my horse. Simone came out looking for me.

"Hey, Team Leader!" She called out with a salute.

"What is it, Simone?"

"The higher ups are looking for you. They're looking to fill out the post-operation reports." Damn it. That could take all day. But...

"Alright, thank you, Simone." She turned to leave. "Wait, I need a favor from you and Johannes."

"Anything, Bel."

"I need the two of you to stop by the..." I thought hard about the best place to discuss the upcoming operation. "Just come by my room later tonight, after dinner, ok?"

"Sure thing. I'll let him know."

"Thanks, Simone."

"My pleasure."

I entered the grand conference room, where Levi and Hange were sorting through a large box of papers. My heart sank at the sight of them.

"About fucking time," he mumbled, "Where were you? Taking a long ass dump?"

"Yeah, one probably bigger than your dick." I joked. Hange burst out laughing and threw her arms around me to shield me from whatever reaction he was going to throw. I had no clue, but she must have, and it would've been gruesome.

"Bel! I'm so glad you're finally here! Captain Shorty's been nitpicking at me all morning!"

"I wouldn't have to if you would've done everything right the first fucking time!" He scolded. I rubbed Hange's back as if soothing a child.

"There, there, Hange, don't worry, I'll check all your work." I smiled mockingly at Levi, who retained his iron scowl. "Don't let the big bad man get to you..." I stuck my tongue out at him from over her bent over back. He returned the immature gesture.

"Big?" she questioned with a couple fake sobs.

"Ok! Let's get to work!" I said as I pushed her into her chair before she could continue the subject. As we filled in details, she and I chatted a bit while Levi worked alone a couple seats down. His frown noticeably deepened as we got more and more enthused about our titan chat. I struggled to withhold my experience with titan Leo. It was almost torturous.

"What?! Eren was in flames?!" I shook Hange's shoulders. "How?! How was that beneficial to him?! Fast metabolic regeneration on fire is too fast!"

"So sorry you missed it!" she shrieked while wearing her creepy grin. "It was so awesome!"

"Bitch! Stop rubbing it in my face! Tell me about it!" We both grabbed each other by the neck, with her laughing and me raging frustrated.

"Calm the fuck down, you goddamn aberrant couple!" Levi outburst. Like a switch, Hange and I began laughing.

We calmed down and worked for a few minutes.

"So, Levi?" I broke the silence as he placed his teacup back onto the plate, the polished porcelain making a soft clang.

"What."

"Isn't that unsanitary?"

"What is?" He wrinkled his brow as Hange snickered, anticipating what would ensue from my criticism of his cleanliness.

"The way you hold your cup. Your fingers are all over the rim, and you drink from it." He remained silent. "You keep track of where you put your fingers and mouth at all times?"

"Yes."

"Liar."

"Fuck you! It's true!" he called out as he pushed himself up from his chair.

"Why don't you hold it from the arm, or even the bottom?" I stood up too.

"Because that would burn my fucking fingers, something only a dummkopf like you would do!" Hange released her pent up laughter. I took a bow and sat back down

"Fuck you two..." he growled, "I need a break..." Hange and I high-fived as he picked up his empty tea cup and left the room.

 

* * *

 

He returned with a full tray of goodies, including a full pitcher and a few scones.

"Oh cool!" Hange's eyes lit up when she saw the treats.

"Pour me some." I said as I held out my empty teacup. He slapped away Hange's outstretched hand from his snacks.

"Nope," he replied as he poured himself a cup and took a deliberate bite out of a scone and swallowed, "These are mine.” It reminded me of the time he finished my truffles. The memory caused the same bitter expression to twist my face. From one corner of Levi's mouth was the tiniest grin.

He slid his stash further down the table and propped his crossed legs upon a neighboring chair. Hange and I exchanged looks, then I got up and left the room.

"What are you idiots doing? ESP or some shit?" I heard him grumble behind me.

 

* * *

 

Ceramic insertions... heat must wear it down. Levi drank seething tea all the time. It should be safe to assume he's in the clear, but then again, he would be the most likely candidate. There was still a chance he could be a special exception, such as his position here, but... a part of my heart couldn't bear the chance. On second thought, iron clad organizations wouldn't make an exception like that... would they? I recalled his reaction in the carriage when I first mentioned the underground. What should I make of that...? He didn't seem to be the acting type. If something bothered him, he tended to be vocal about it. Was he sincere, then...?

The Commander was clear. He was thoroughly checked in the hospital. Hange was clear. She's not the least bit conscious about showing her teeth. Should I even consider the cadets? Do the titan shifters have anything to do with this organization...? The initial matter was to clear Johannes, but...

... I couldn't stop worrying over Levi's innocence.

Ah.

He turned over the identities of my mother's murderers in court.

I decided to consider him clean for now. The Captain was in the clear.

 

* * *

 

The look on his face was priceless when I returned with my company.

"Captain!" Simone and Johannes chanted in unison as they saluted him. He kept his arms crossed and glared at me.

"As thanks for helping us out, help yourselves!" Hange announced, causing Levi to redirect his optical daggers to her.

"Oh great!" Johannes said as his long arms easily reached over the glowering Captain, "Lunch was light today!" He looked like he was going to boil over, whistle, and flip his lid any second.

"So," Simone said as she took a seat beside me, "What do we have here?"

"I'll write out the casualties," Johannes offered, "I helped with the headcount afterwards."

"Yeah, take that from Levi," Hange sang teasingly, "He wasn't even there."

"Neither were you," I countered as I passed the papers to Johannes. Levi seemed to have calmed down.

"It doesn't really matter," Simone delegated, "We need your signatures anyways, since you two are taking over for the Commander."

"Alright, let's get to it!" I distributed the paperwork and sat down. We succeeded in getting some of his snacks, but the next half hour or so of awkward silence was not what I had bargained for.

"Hey, Levi," he merely nodded without looking away from his work to signify that he was listening, "Why does Cadet Mikasa always glare at you so harshly every time she sees you? As if you killed her puppy or something."

"Because I kicked her puppy," he replied nonchalantly.

Hange spit out her tea and busted out laughing while Johannes and Simone released quieter snickers. Levi was unimpressed.

"Clean up your disgusting spit!" he barked at her. "You got food on the referrals!"

"... What...?" I was still stuck on the abused puppy.

"Twenty times," he indicated

"No, it was more like nineteen," Johannes corrected.

"You counted?" Simone looked up.

"I was wondering if he was gonna break the record from when he beat up an MP officer for nearly selling off the Survey Corps. black tea stock to the black market..." he explained.

"Oh my fucking god..." I said whilst stifling laughter. Levi beating people up was old news to me, but learning of the various reasons was something different. They were mostly ridiculous, and I found that interesting.

"Well... what they were doing was illegal. If they reported me, they would have gotten turned in as well. Their crimes were worse. A lesson was learned," Levi explained.

"Don't fuck with the Scouts!" Hange concluded, ensuing a tough pose that clashed with her glasses and usual demeanor.

"I still don't understand," I complained, "Since when are soldiers allowed to have pets? And why would Levi-"

"It's Eren, Bel. We're talking about Eren. A few days before your trial, he was up for debate and the Captain kicked his ass in the middle of the courtroom, in front of everybody, to make the point that kept him on our side and spared his life," Johannes explained with a sigh.

"Oh..." I finally understood. Simone laughed at my slowness.

"Yeah! He was all like, 'This is only my personal philosophy, but I think pain is the best teacher,' and 'What you need isn't a good talking to, but to be trained like a dog.'" Simone mocked in her best representation of his voice.

Johannes snickered and joined in. "’Besides, you're in the perfect kicking position.’" He then began making animated sound-effects.

Levi shot a 'shut the fuck up' glare in their direction.

I frowned. "Is that... what you really believe, Levi?"

"Is there a problem?" he replied haughtily.

I tilted my head into my palm as I scanned a document. "... There are other ways to do things."

"Effectively?"

"Perhaps..." I said as I flicked the paper into my lap to look him straight in the eye, "... There is."

The document had crinkled in my hand.

"Well! That wasn't the end of it!" Simone cut in, probably because she sensed my animosity, "Just before that, he totally called out the merchants for..."

I was finally enlightened to the whole court story. If he had kicked an actual puppy, I would have taken my chances and kicked his ass.

 

* * *

 

We worked for a couple hours. The senior members ended up bringing us our dinner, so we ate there. When we finished eating, I jumped the chance to gather the plates.

"Thanks, Bel!" Simone and Hange each said.

"No problem. I'll take yours, too, Jo-" I reached around for his plate and rammed it into his jaw, making the deliberate act as innocent as possible.

"Oww!" he cried as the porcelain dinnerware audibly clanged against his jawbone.

"Shit! I'm so sorry!" I threw the stacked plates onto Simone's outstretched hands and kneeled in front of him. "Are you ok? Let me see!" He kept his hand glued firmly to his cheek.

"N-no! It's ok! I'll be fine!" he stammered as he stood up from his chair. My heart sank.

"Man up and let her see!" Hange scolded, "If it's bad, you're gonna end up seeing her anyways..." She scanned a document. "Especially since our last medic died..."

"We need to generalize that training!" I yelled as Johannes rushed out the door. Levi let out a sigh and stood up as well.

"I'll get the paperwork for that."

"Thank you, Levi," I said.

He left.

"They're taking quite a while..." Hange realized. I looked at the clock.

"I'll go check on them, first Johannes, then the den for Levi," I volunteered.

"Yeah, leave Levi for last," Simone said, "He probably started cleaning it. That's what's really taking him so long." Hange chortled as I left.

A loud crash came from a nearby bathroom. I ran down the hall and flung the door open to see Levi strangling Johannes in a deadlock.

"Bite the vial!" I fucking dare you, you! Filthy traitor! Piece of shit!" he exasperated furiously.

"No! I'm not with them! I swear! They made me join!" pleaded Johannes.

"Open your mouth!" I commanded as I ran to him and tilted his head into the light. Levi released him enough so I could do so.

"There it is... " I said defeatedly as my eyes located the abnormal crown on his molar. I took out my knife and held the blade to him. "You have three minutes-"

"Two!" Levi corrected. I started again.

"You have ninety seconds to convince us not to turn you in," I reiterated.

"You have my word! I wanted nothing to do with it!" he blurted. He then continued on with his story.

 

* * *

 

"I'm not fucking convinced." Levi growled.

"Hold up," I interrupted, "I know from a reliable source that once you hesitate to take your own life for the cause, your loyalty's as good as broken. As Scouts, we know that better than anyone, no?" I looked to Levi, whom was leaning against the closed door with his arms crossed. He seemed mollified for now, but during their confrontation, he had broken a mirror with Johannes' head. He was now bleeding from his face and had a swollen cheek from when I hurt him earlier. Levi kept me from tending to him until we were certain of his trustworthiness.

"We'll need proof," he stated.

"I'll take care of that," I told him.

"You don't have the authority, Kitten."

"But as Acting Commander, Hange does," he glowered at me.

"You're going to take this to Hange and leave me the fuck out of it?"'

"I wouldn't dare, Captain," I returned his glare with assertiveness, "But given that you're still on injury leave and Johannes himself is under my authority, the task will be deferred to me, anyways."

He irritatedly deterred his scowl to the tiled floor as I brushed up the glass and began tending Johannes' injured jaw.

"Thank you, Bel..." he sobbed as I sponged the blood from his face, "Thank you so much..."

"Don't thank me yet," I said as wrapped his forehead in a bandage, "You still have a hell to pay."

"I'll do anything to cut my ties!" he reaffirmed, "I don't want to die! I want to continue serving the Scouts!"

"I know that, Johannes. Just be ready for what I'm gonna ask you to do for me later."

"You've saved my life more than once..." he took my hand in both of his, "Anything for you, Bel."

I could almost feel the holes Levi's eyes must have been boring into my back.

"I say we yank out that tooth…" he announced sadistically as he pulled a tool from the cabinet. Johannes' eyes widened in terror as he cowered behind me.

"Easy. There's no need for that," I said firmly as I held up my hand in defense. Unbeknownst to me, Levi had walked straight into it. I nearly faltered at the feel of his chest against my palm. The muscular firmness could be felt even through the folds of his cravat.

He stared me down. "I'd be more careful if I were you, not with just your own life, but with the lives of your comrades-"

"Johannes is my comrade," I blurted. He deepened the furrow of his brow.

"-including the entirety of the Survey Corps," he finished.

I merely gave him the firmest salute I could affirm, then turned my attention back to Johan.

"There, all done." I stood up and brushed off my hands. "Let's go back."


	31. Reflections

"Damn, Johan! She hit you that hard?" Simone gasped as we entered the room a much less than happy bunch.

"Yeah, I should've just let her see," Johannes mumbled embarrassedly, "Instead, I had to go and make it worse."

"Well, while you three were taking your sweet time," Hange said as she dropped a huge stack of papers on Levi's side of the conference table, "I've done my part and now they're all yours!" She sang and added a wink.

"Ugh..." Levi groaned as he sized up the monstrous pile, "Now I'm gonna fuck up my hand scribbling all that shit..." He plopped down, downed the rest of his tea, frowned because it had gotten cold, and glared at Johannes, who was timidly finishing his report.

The night rolled on.

"Shit. Out of ink... hold up the fucking arthritis..." Levi mumbled as the rest of us began putting away the documents.

"Well, all that's left are your papers, so we're gonna clear out." I said.

"Fine by me..." he grumbled as he left to retrieve new ink for his pen.

"Unless..." I whispered to him, "You want me to help you sign your name."

"No thanks." He shrugged.

"Hange," I whispered to her out of earshot of the other two, "Can you hang back a sec?" She nodded. "Hey, guys," I said to Simone and Johannes, "Can you take these to Commander Erwin's office for us? Afterwards, you're all done. Thanks for today." I winked and gave a hidden gesture to signify them to meet up with me afterwards.

"Sure thing," Simone said before leaving the room with Johannes, boxes of completed work in tow. I waited for their footsteps to disappear down the hall before speaking. No need to give them any hints so soon, less they ask any questions and alert Hange of my ulterior motives.

I brought to light all the information Leo and I had sorted out. She was enraged, but kept a level head.

"You're right," she began, "I'll leave that to you, Leo, and your team. I trust you, Bel," She stroked her chin. "Zackley will have to be notified of this, though."

"That, I understand. " I gave her a respectful salute. "Thank you, Hange. I promise I'll get to the bottom of this before we lose any more soldiers."

"I'll keep an eye out as well." She thought quietly to herself before continuing. "We should keep this from Levi." I blinked.

"Why? Do you really think...?" I trailed off as my heart dropped at the idea of her suspecting him.

"No, it's for my own reasons." What the hell...?

"Alright..." I surrendered, "One last thing. Where would Levi put my confiscated clothes? In his top drawer? Somewhere in the storage shed?"

"Nah, he wouldn't go through with something like that. You'll probably find them in the back of your closet or in the bottom drawer of your dresser, since nobody really uses it."

"Really? Ok, thanks."

 

* * *

 

I made my way down the hall, mumbling to myself when I nearly ran into Levi. He had his hands in his pockets.

"Oops, sorry," I said as stepped to the side. He was planning to do the same thing. I stepped aside again, and again he mirrored my intentions.

"Fuck Kitten! I'm in a hurry and tired as shit!"

"Sorry!" I tried to step around him again, but he beat me to it.

"Tch! You know what?" He picked me up by the shoulders and put me down behind him, "There." I playfully fluffed his cravat. He frowned and spun on his heels, jamming his hands into his pockets and continuing down the hall. I smiled and went on my way.

 

* * *

 

The following morning, I showed up to breakfast a little later than usual. Usually, I would arrive early and sail through the buffet line without being pushed, but the soldiers were especially antsy today.

"Excuse me..." I muttered. "Umm, excuse me... Can I get to the soup, please?" I said, trying to get around the cadets, whom were clustered around Eren as he talked about his experiments with Hange. "Eren, could you please pass me a-" I was then cut off as I ducked beneath his arm as he lifted his tray above the crowd to make way for his lively group. I lurched for a support pillar to catch my balance and frowned, looking for an opening to slip through the crowd and claim my helping.

"Morning, Kitten."

"Ah, Morning, Captain!"

"Levi..." he grumbled, "Where's my tea?"

"About that..." I muttered meekly. He looked to the busy buffet line and sighed.

"Look. If something pisses you off, let it be heard." He then took hold of my harness and walked me up to the bar. "Hey! Eren! Stop being a dick and grab a bread roll for your senior!"

"Y-yes, Sir!" The young brunette agreed, then promptly and easily reached over the coterie and handed me a small loaf.

"Th-thanks, Eren," I replied, catching a glimpse of a bitter Mikasa behind him.

"See?" Levi revealed as Eren was pulled back by the girl.

"Of course he'll listen to you. You've pulverized him." I reminded as I began munching on my bread.

"Sometimes, that's what it takes." He led me aside from the rest and lowered his voice. "I know, down there, in order to survive as a decent woman, you want to avoid drawing attention to yourself at all costs, but up here, it's different. You don't have to be stomped upon."

"So, it was ok for you to walk all over me when I first came?"

"Ah, so you did learn something."

"... Well?"

"I was your superior back then, and you needed breaking in. Now that we're closer to being equals, I won't have you bending unnecessarily. Got that, Kitten?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Good," he said proudly with an awkward rub of the top of my head. It was quite out of character for him, but I liked the way our relationship was growing.

"Ah," I started, suddenly remembering what he had asked of me, "I'll go get your tea, just give me a few-"

"You don't really have to do that."

"Huh?"

"I was just kidding with you, but don't forget to share some with me whenever you make some for yourself." I blinked and stared at him, trying to find clues that provided more insight as to what he meant. "What are you staring at?" he implored with an adorably wrinkled brow.

Wait.

Adorable?

"Nuh-nothing," I said, shoving the rest of the bread into my mouth.

"Uh-huh, sure," he stated skeptically, tilting his head back a little. He then turned around and left without another word.

 

* * *

 

With Erwin bedridden, the entire legion was on edge. Hange had her hands full as acting Commander, and Levi was incredibly busy making adjustment plans to the current state of affairs as well. Although I had very little responsibilities outside the battlefield, I took it upon myself to teach emergency medical skills to voluntary students. With Levi's approval from prior, I was granted the authority to appoint official medics if they were deemed skilled enough by my criteria. After the first few classes, I was even able to write my own name on the board instead of Levi's.

Plenty of eyebrows were raised during my first lecture.

"Hello...!" I announced as I walked into the classroom and picked up a piece of chalk, "My name is Bel Vanteon..." I introduced as I wrote Levi's name. "Aw crap!" I cursed as I quickly smudged it away and wrote my own name. "Bel! Vanteon! You can call me by whichever one you like-."

"La Guillatina!" Someone called out.

"But not that, please..." I requested as procured my notebook and flipped to the page I thought best to start with. "So..." I began as I quickly scanned the page, then my audience.

The classroom was so full...

"Any questions before we start?" I asked, a little shakily.

"Can you really decapitate titans?!" An eager Scout asked.

"She does!" Another called out from behind him, "My bro from the Stationary Guard's seen her do it! It's awesome!"

"Could you teach us that?"

"Um... I really don't recommend-" I started before being cut off with a myriad of questions, most of which overlapped and I couldn't catch..

"Is it true you killed two civilians?!"

"Are you really from the Underground?"

"Were you in the Miss Garrison Pageant?"

"Do they have meat in the Garrison?"

"Are you single?"

"Oi! Enough with the stupid questions, you belligerent shit-stacks!" The room was suddenly quieted by the audaciously authoritative boom of the Captain's deep, growling voice. Everyone suddenly rose to their feet and saluted him.

"When'd he get here?" The scout from earlier whispered to his comrade.

"I don't know! He's so small, I didn't notice him!" he replied. I anxiously cleared my throat.

"She's here to teach you lot valuable skills, not to entertain your childish gossip," he disciplined curtly. "And you!" He then yelled at me from the doorway. "What I tell you about taking people's shit?"

I reddened like a peach bruises… I reddened like a peach bruises!

"Ok! We start with triage!" I announced as I wrote numbers on the board to signify important steps. The students collectively settled down into their seats. "If you're under nonthreatening circumstance, there are a few things you have to check before moving or even touching a patient. These are things that can mean the difference between life and death, so please pay close attention to what I'm about to say!" I glanced over my shoulder to look at Levi, who had leaned against the doorway and maintained his crossed arms. I continued with a bright and warm confidence after he gave me a 'go ahead' gesture with his untucked hand. "First of all, the neck! Always assume injury and restrain it before attempting transport. When it comes down to it, you have to be resourceful, but here's how you do it..."

He remained there for the rest of the lecture, but disappeared with the rest of the students before I could catch and thank him.

"He's not coming to dinner, again tonight?" I asked Hange a couple days later. I've learned in a roundabout way that he was already pretty abstemious, but skipping meals altogether as often as he was could potentially put a damper in humanity's strongest.

"It seems so. It's safe to say he's hardly ever left his chair for the last couple days, except to go to the bathroom, of course."

"Well, man's gotta shit..." I said as I meandered over the status of his health, "Has he been sleeping?"

"According to the 104th cadets Sasha and Connie, he- Huh? Where are you going?"

"To do some... research." I said as I made my way to the teenage clique's table.

"Ooh! I'm coming!"

"Hey, Springles."

"Jean! I'm gonna kill you for making that our nickname! Even the officers are in on it!" yelled the boy with the buzz cut. Sasha just perked up and looked me, but didn't seem like she heard me because she was preoccupied with eating Connie's leftovers.

"Wait! Before you do that, I need to ask you something!" I asked as I pulled his collar back into his chair.

"Uh yeah sure," he said, giving me a casual salute.

"How does the Captain sleep?"

"He sleeps in his chair. What a weirdo. We woke him up one time during the Commander's day off when we brought him paperwork sometime before the last expedition."

"How was he when he woke up?"

"He was horrible, Officer Vanteon!" cried Sasha with crumbs dotting her mouth, "Even he calls me Potato Girl!"

"Yeah! And he called me Shitty Baldy!" Connie vented, "And got even more pissed off when I pointed out the ink that got on his eyes! I was just being nice!"

"Wow. Rude." I reacted, "Don't take it personal though. He calls everyone shitty."

"He's pretty much half-bald himself, am I right?" Hange chimed in.

I snickered. "Was it really ink?"

"No, it was just his eyes," Sasha answered.

I frowned, thinking about how sleep-deprived he must be. Although I have noticed the dark circles around his eyes before, I guess I was too busy admiring the softly glowing light behind them to really pay much attention...

"Thank you, you two," I replied before turning towards the kitchen to make tea.

"What are you doing?" Hange said, following me.

"I'm going to look into Levi's sleeping patterns, and maybe even try to improve them a little bit."'

"Aww! You're going to mess with Levi in the name of science and I'm gonna have to miss it?!" she whined.

"Appears so, Acting Commander," I said teasingly.

She threw up her hands childishly and huffed before turning around. "Fine then! Hope you figure something out before he kicks your ass!"

"Yes, ma'am! All in the name of humanity!" I replied with a joking salute. We shared a laugh before parting ways.

 

* * *

 

"Good afternoon, Levi," I greeted after he gave me permission to enter his office.

"That for me?" His eyes perked up as he asked. He was in the middle of wiping his cheek, and there was a smudged and illegible document in front of him.

"For us," I corrected as I set down the tray I prepared and pulled up a chair before him, "I haven't seen you in a while. I miss your insults."

"Well unfortunately for you, Shitty Kitty, I have a load of shit to do since Erwin's been in a coma..." His voice dropped dishearteningly as he pressed his temples. "If only I'd been there, I could've saved Erwin's arm..."

I stopped in my tracks. It was unusual for him to suddenly get sentimental. Actually, it was unusual for him to be sentimental at all. Fatigue-induced mood swings...?

"At the cost of your life," I affirmed sharply, "I'm confident I can speak for the whole legion when I say I'm glad you weren't there." My suddenness seemed to snap him back into character, as the surprise sparked in his eyes as he dropped his face into his hands. "I'm... actually very glad it was Erwin's arm and not your head." He glanced at me for a moment.

There.

I had to cheer him up.

"I'm sure the nurses are taking good care of his shitting, in the meantime. Must be an honor to be assigned to wiping the Commander’s ass."

"Heh," he semi-chuckled as he took one of the sugar coated scones I brought and stuck the whole thing in his mouth.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down there," I said as I poured his tea, "There's more than enough for both of us."

"If I bit it, there'd be crumbs, and I didn't want to drop my debris all over your share."

"How thoughtful of you. Where's the man who kicked my ass when I first came here?"

He smirked. "Out taking a piss, but if you want him, I can let him know you're begging for a can of top tier whoop-ass," he dug teasingly.

I laughed and held out my hand in protest. "That's ok! He can take his time!"

A small smile.

"I'll be taking that," he said as he took my teacup and put it on the far side of his desk, which was exposed to an open window.

"Thanks for saving my tongue," I said as I took a cookie and tried to copy his method. Instead, I choked and ended up crouched over his trashcan to avoid sprinkling any crumbs on his floor.

"... There's just no keeping you from doing something stupid, is there?" he joked as he bent over me and clasped a handkerchief to my mouth. Startled, I instantly took over and sat back up.

"Ain't no rest for the clumsily inclined," I said with a cough.

Soap, cedar, and flowers...

"You done dying?"

"Yeah... Thank you..." I mumbled.

That fucking scent.

I cleared my throat one last time before speaking. "So... fell asleep on the job?"

"Just a doze."

"Dreams?"

"... No."

"Must have been a good snooze, then."

"What?"

"If you can't remember a dream, you probably spent most of your time during dream sleep rather than REM sleep, when the more easily remembered dreams occur."

"Really," he said doubtfully as he took a sip of his tea.

"Really," I affirmed. He lifted the back of his hand to my teacup, lightly blew off the lingering steam, then passed it to me. It was perfectly warm... and touched by the air from his lips...

"Can you really tell with something little like that?"

"Not completely, but it's an ok guess." He shrugged and reached for another scone. "So..." I shifted a bit in my seat. "A reporter came by the classroom the other day. I was even more nervous than when I spoke in front of you and the other officers." I basked in the warmth of the tea, then took a small sip.

His breath couldn't have made it taste that different... what the fuck...

"Same guy caught me leaving Erwin's."

I cleared my throat. "Aww, couldn't dodge him?"

"No, I actually had plans to talk to the fucker."

"Really? How'd that go?"

"He dug up my underground dirt."

"Ouch."

"We had an agreement, though. I made sure he understood that he was only write about things that'd make the Scouts look good. Who knows what additional shit will go down if the populace finds out the Survey Corps. Captain used to beat MP's for a living." I giggled.

"I can imagine how that went," I said with a wink.

He rolled his eyes. "I didn't fucking touch him."

"Wow, with no violence?" I said with a raise of my brows, "You're growing, Captain."

"Tch," he smirked, "We can't all stay children like you, Kitten."

"You're not the only one hiding years behind that kinda face," I teased.

"How many years?" he asked. "Twenty-something?"

"Sure, Captain," I said vaguely as I took the last sip of my tea and prepared to leave.

"You're not going to tell me?"

"I'm as willing as you are, Captain."

He shrugged. "Fine. You got me."

"Well, don't neglect your rest. You need your sleep, Old Man."

"Tch, please. I'm younger than Hange's last bath." I choked and keeled over, covering my mouth. He seemed to perk up at my giggling fit and continued. "I'm also younger than Mike's last manscape."

"Oh my gosh-heeheehee-stop it...!" I leaned over the armrest as my giggles turned to guffaws.

He leaned into his palm and continued his writing with a triumphant smirk. "Yeah, I was there when Erwin’s eyebrows grew in, too."

My giggling slowed when I heard him. I looked up and we locked eyes.

It was at that moment that he knew he fucked up.

"Go to sleep, Old Man! You're older than the walls!"

He stood up from his desk and leaned over the edge. "You go to sleep!" he shouted back.

"Sleep is for the weak! That's why you're Humanity's Strongest! I know your secret now! Teeheeheehee!"

"Alright, alright, enough." He smiled defeatedly and sank back into his chair. "I have to rewrite this whole thing now, no thanks to my old man narcolepsy."

I quieted down and sat up. "Yes, heehee, Sir." I dabbed my tears of laughter with his handkerchief. "I'll give this back later."

"No need," he replied, combing a hand through his hair, "It's on me."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, thanks..." I answered as I got up and opened his door. I turned back to him as a warm smile softened my face. "Later, Levi."

He looked up and locked eyes with me for a moment. "Later... Bel."


	32. Fuse

Throughout the rest of the week, I brought him tea at random times throughout the day, trying to pinpoint when and for how long he went to sleep. He had a habit of washing his face every time he woke up, so I used that action as a sleep indicator. It turned out he had a regular sleeping pattern of about two to three hours per day.

I was stumped. The typical healthy adult requires nearly twice that amount, but compared to a normal person, Levi's lifestyle requires much more energy, being, not only a soldier, but humanity's strongest and all. How could he be so healthy, yet have such poor attention to his rejuvenative health?

Did his above-average attention to hygiene make up for it? How would that work? What other parts of his daily routine should I consider? What other factors should be examined...

What also perplexed me was that he never actually used his bed or changed his clothes in order to sleep. He had lied to me about wanting to go to sleep in his bed that day he kicked me out of his office and had no use for pajamas. Perhaps they were a gift he merely kept put away, but they still carried his scent...

"Hey, Kitten."

"Y-yes, Sir?!" I replied jitterishly, slamming my notebook shut, "You scared the shit out of me, Levi..." I looked up at him as I caught my breath.

"Remember how Hange helped you take a bath when you came here?" he replied, getting right to the point.

"Yes?"

"Well, now you're gonna return the favor."

"Huh? Is she injured?"

"No, just filthy. She hasn't bathed in days and refuses to take a bath. Since I'm still a little worse for wear, you're gonna help me out."

"W-what?! Why, why are you doing that to her?"

"I have to discuss some plans with her, and I can't stand the sight of her hair.."

"That's so mean!"

"Whatever gave you the impression that I was a nice person?"

"... Well..."

"Don't answer that. Now c'mon," he reached behind the door and handed me a bucket. "I'm gonna knock her out and you're gonna splash her."

"Keh, fine..."'

"Hold up just a second..." he started as he pulled me closer by my hold on the bucket and loomed over my reaching form, "What the fuck is this shit on your head?" A few flakes of dry skin fell in the bucket as he ruffled my hair.

"Umm..." I mulled meekly, “Dandruff…”

“Fucking disgusting,” he grunted as he wiped his hands on a cloth. "Tis not the fucking season, Kitten. Take a fucking shower or else I'm throwing you both into the tub."

"I was just going to! I just need to-"

"Now."

"But- ah!"

"You're getting in right now! Not even Hange gets that disgusting and her hair's growing microbes and shit! Fuck!"

"I just get dry skin! It's totally normal!"

"Don't make me strip you down."

"Ok! Ok! I'll go! Then I'll help you splash Hange after!"' I said in a panic.

He chuckled lightly. "I've seen you naked twice already and here you are still losing your shit."

"We're not making this a normal thing!" I yelled at him redder than roses, then shut the bathroom door in his face.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, I was summoned to the Supreme Commander's office in the Capitol. Hange accompanied me for the short trip as he entrusted me with the mission and pardoned my earlier crimes as acknowledgement for my sacrifice. As Hange hurried back to Headquarters, I decided to pay a visit to the Commander after seeing my mother. Unfortunately, she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her, so I made my way to the opposite wing.

"Dr. Lusac!" I called out to the white coated man who had sped walked past the reception.

"Ah, Dr. Vanteon." His studious eyes brightened. I extended my hand.

"Now that we're out of the OR, it's actually Medical Officer," I corrected as he accepted my handshake.

"Ah, I see. You've done remarkable work on the Commander's skin graft. We're all thankful for your contributions."

"Just taking care of my soldiers," I stated humbly, joining him on his walk, "How's the recovery?"

"Well..." he looked up, searching for the right words to form, "The nurses... have been having some trouble with him since he woke up. Once he cleared the initial recovery phase, he began giving them a hard time, requesting updates from your higher ups, refusing to take his pain medication..." I breathed a heavy sigh. Not only did he refuse my saving his life, but he left me to die and disrespected his caretakers. It was unthinkable.

"Can you direct me to his room?"

"Yes. This way," he led me to the next hall over and signaled towards the door, "I should warn you, though, he's been having a frequent visitor who's rather-" I opened the door and left him in the hall.

"Commander." I saluted upon entering the room. Levi was sitting in a chair beside the bed. He must have been whom the doctor tried to warn me about. The Commander widened his eyes.

"Leader Vanteon! You're alive? I saw you-"

"Yes. I was well aware of that, Commander. I'm glad you were able to escape."

"Thank you for saving my life," he replied sincerely.

"The pleasure was all mine, Commander. Laying down my life for a man like yourself is an honor." I couldn't manage to retain a pleasant expression. Levi seemed to pick up on it. "How are you doing?" I asked to the best of my ability. Perhaps I would forgive him depending on his answer.

"I'm starting to get tired of sleeping, but-" I cut him off with a backhand to his face. His new and unkempt beard felt bristly against my knuckles. Levi immediately jumped up and pinned me to the wall with a caustic glare.

"Erwin!" he yelled back at him without breaking his scorn with me. The Commander rose a hand to his rapidly reddening cheek.

"It's ok, Levi. I deserved that," he admitted.

"I don't give a fuck," he warned, still pressing down firmly on my shoulders. It reminded me of how he clawed onto me when I carried him after his injury.

The Legion was fronted by a couple insufferable pricks. Unbelievable.

"You're on thin ice, brat...." I returned the glare, shrugged him off angrily, and opened the door.

"Make sure you take your medications, Commander. There are good people here only looking out for your wellbeing." I slammed the door shut before saying another word. I left for Trost and went to planning my appearance for the upcoming undercover mission to clear my head. After coming across my mother's frilly skirt, my mind seemed to come back to peace. I eased myself into work and took better care in my sewing as I labored to rescue it from the damage and breathe new life back into its frills.

Later that day, there was a pounding on my locked door. The fury returned.

"Go away, asshole!" I yelled.

"Shit, you figured out my middle name," Levi replied from the other side of the door. I couldn't find the release to laugh. I was still pissed. "Open the fucking door!" he screamed after giving me sufficient time to obey.

Or disobey.

"Did I fucking stutter? I said, 'Get the hell out!'"

"I can take this down," he threatened, "Don't make me do it! You'll be without privacy for god knows how long, and longer if I happen to withhold the order for a new fucking door!"

I slid my lacy handiwork beneath my bed and opened the door. Johannes fell forward from it. I glared at Levi, whom was standing behind him.

"I knew you wouldn't dare kick that door, you cripple."

"Gotta do what a fucking cripple's gotta do." He stepped over Johan's grunting body and walked up to me. I stood my ground and crossed my arms.

"Alright Captain, I did my part..." he exasperated as he picked himself up off the floor and dusted himself off, "Team Leader." I acknowledged him with a nod and he left. Levi stood there silently for a while. The draft from my open door brought in the vaporous smell of tiger balm.

"Listen," he finally said.

"You didn't give a shit about what I had to say," I argued.

"Tch! I know! That's the thing!" he raised his voice, "I'm... sorry...!" I raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry," he repeated in a lower tone.

"I forgive you," I said as I looked away from him.

"So..." he cleared his throat, "We've worked together, survived an expedition together, seen each other at our shittiest, and now have been at each other's throats. Since we're nearer equals, I don't have to make you tea or something as a peace offering, right?"

"That wouldn't help at all. The tea you make is bitter as shit. Bitter as your soul. I'd hate you even more."

"You think I'm bi-" he nearly took my bait, then furrowed his brow with a knowing smirk, an expression I hadn't seen on him before, "It's not my fault you have uncultured taste and the preference of a child!"

"Says the man who ate half my truffles."

"I didn't like them. I just did it to piss you off. And it worked. I saw you flip me off from behind the couch."

"You're a fucking liar. I noticed you grabbed the sugar coated scones the other night."

"They go well with the tea!" I flipped his cravat into his face. He groaned. "I'm leaving," he announced.

"Later, Captain Sugar!" I shut the door and went back to sewing my dress.


	33. Nightmare Revisited

As I predicted, Simone was vehemently opposed to joining me as a courtesan. Leo wouldn't be happy, but it had already took enough effort to convince her to come along with us. We kept Johannes' secret from her, as well as Levi.

"Here's the tweet..." I said to my comrades as the small dove flew into the stable, singing her characteristic song. I took the note and scanned its contents. Apart from establishing the meeting place, we were all ready to go: I, as an underground courtesan, and my teammates as my escort chevaliers. I couldn't adequately hide the standard ODM blade holsters beneath the dress, so I had to engineer my usual gear and combine it with a spare MP Anti-personnel maneuver device from Leo, which had more portable gas containers. After determining the most inconspicuous route to take, we met up with Leo and descended to the city I hadn't seen since my teenage years.

It had gotten worse than my naive mind remembered.

"Alright," Leo whispered from beneath his wide brimmed fedora, "Eight blocks east of the thirteenth stairwell." I scanned the stained concrete buildings, gave a nod, and retreated into hiding with my teammates as Leo stood wait.

After a few minutes, a light trail of smoke arose from the stairwell. Our target appeared to be a smoker. I emerged from my spot, opened my cloak, and began dancing, making lengthened and graceful movements, as we planned. The man rounded the corner, shot me a regretful look, and continued towards Leo.

"Nice weather we're having," The man said in greeting.

"I love the smell of money in the morning," Leo replied. What an awful code.

"That one of your girls?" he asked with an obscene nod.

"That's right," Leo answered, "Brought nothing but our best for this little exchange." He waved me over and opened a nearby door. I strut inside after giving the man a sensuous flutter of my eyelashes.

"Monsieur..." I greeted sweetly.

"Madame..." he replied with lustful eyes.

"Have a seat," Leo offered as he pulled up a chair. The man sat down and motioned for me to sit atop his lap. "No previews," he scolded. I remained where I was, leaned against the wall. I shifted around as he questioned the man. It was humid in there, and his cigarette made the air even more unbearable. I took out a fan and waved it towards my neck. It piqued the man's interest.

"That's enough business for now. I've spent too much time here as it is." He stood up, leaving his chair pushed out, and looked me over. I curled my shoulders and shied innocently, without breaking contact from my periphery.

"Alright, I've had enough as well." Leo said with a nod towards me. I fluttered to the man's side and took hold of his arm. "Good day."

The man tipped a finger beneath my chin. "It's gonna be a good day, indeed..."

Just as I led the man to the stairs, I kicked him upside the jaw with my heel using the stairs as leverage and sent him backwards, where he was met with Leo slamming the chair upon his head. As he fell back, he pinned his neck to the floor using the bar between the chair legs and anchored him with his weight. Simone and Johannes jumped from the rafters to hold his arms and legs as I brandished my blade over his face. Without hesitation, the man bit his inner cheek, activated his molar poison, and was dead within seconds. He didn't leave me with enough time to even attempt to trigger his gag reflex and possibly rid him of the poison.

"That was quick..." Simone commented, "Guess that's as loyal as they come..." I diverted my eyes from his lifeless face and pulled his wallet from his breast pocket. My eyes widened.

"Judas Luciano...?!" Leo yanked the wallet from my hands. His reaction was the same as mine.

"A relative of Gabe's...?"

"Who?" Johannes asked.

"A friend from our Garrison days..."

"Oh..."

My head spun with recollections. The interrogation. Ethan's murder. Our ruined cafe. Mother's death. Her attackers' deaths... My father's appearance in court...

I abruptly stood up.

"Let's get this over with." We took his belongings and burned his body.

"Johan. Check the door," Leo ordered. He nodded and peeked out side. When he gave the ok, we filed out of the building.

"Aww crap, I left my switchblade on the table..." I turned around and started walking back.

"Bel! Wai-" Leo cried out as I was grabbed by two women. My comrades drew their weapons. I felt cold steel against my neck.

"Hey there, Snowbelle!" I didn't miss that voice. A second hand jerked my hair from the longer side.

"She's no 'Snowbelle' anymore! La Gui-llo-ti-na!" My arm was twisted behind me. I recognized them as my childhood friends, Jane and Maura.

"Yeah! Go ahead and slice our heads off!" Jane snickered sharply, “We dare you!”

I struggled against their grip. Leo sneered, "Let her go!"

"Ooh!" Maura sang as she licked her blade, "What a catch..." She fearlessly strut towards Leo. The three of them tensed. I made some signals with my other hand and waited for their notice. I flipped Jane over my head and the others lunged to separate them from me. We were suddenly swamped by a group of armed men, followed by rioting citizens.

"Bel! Bel!" I heard Leo call out from the crowd. Jane had caught my ankle as I tried to rappel away, forcing me to face her. She swiped her bladed fan across my neck and I fell to the floor, clasping my hands to my throat where the blood began to drip.

After kicking me upside the head, she bent down and whispered sadistically, "We're gonna make you one of us, Snowbelle, or kill you trying. You're not gonna be able to escape us forever... You belong to us."

That kick. She was the one who kicked me during the Eren retrieval mission. She was thrown aside and I was suddenly collected by Johannes using his gear. I searched frantically through the crowd below.

"The others?!" I screamed, pressing a handkerchief firmly to my neck.

"Don't worry! They're coming!" he yelled as he looped out of a small hole in the ceiling. I cringed my eyes from the bright and warm hues of twilight. He set me down in a quiet corner of what seemed to be a park.

"Oh shit, you're bleeding!" he gasped upon noticing.

"It's fine, " I reassured, "It looks worse than it is." I discarded the dripping cloth and procured another.

"There you two are!" Simone called out to us as she and Leo emerged from the cavity, "Here!" She tossed me my blade. I missed catching it and it fell into the grass.

"Damn, what's wrong?" Leo said as he jogged up to me.

"Strip bandage... please..." I wheezed as he knelt down to me.

"Here," he pulled out a roll and tossed it to me. Upon inspecting the second cloth, my pressure seemed enough to stop the bleeding. Nonetheless, I wrapped the cotton around my neck a few times and secured it tightly.

"Good?" Johannes asked.

"Good," I replied as I rose to my feet, "Could use some painkiller though."

"I know just the place." Leo offered.

 

* * *

 

I slammed the shotglass down with a sharp clang as I swallowed the burning liquid.

"Atta' girl!" Johannes encouraged with a friendly pat on my back.

"It's all on me!" Leo announced cheerfully, "I mean... the MP's..." he corrected in a whisper. After dropping our gear into the saddlebags, he had taken us to a Capitol bar, which was owned by a trusted relative of one of his squadmates, he claimed. Since it was early morning, there were few other patrons.

"This shit's horrible..." I winced, "How on earth do you guys tolerate this?"

Simone downed a mug of beer. "You don't taste shots. You gulp them and wait for the buzz." She snatched a cigarette from a passing drunk and lit it up.

"Ugh." I shuttered as I reached for another.

And another.

And another.

... How many?

"Ok!" Leo snatched the last drink from my hand. "That's enough to make getting ran over by a horse feel like nothing! Let's get you all home."

"What are you talking about? I don't feel a thing," I said.

"So you have late onset," Johannes complained, "If this is your first time drinking, you'll wanna take it slow." I shrugged him off and downed a cup of water.

"Yeah, I've had enough too..." Simone said sarcastically as she slipped a bottle into her coat pocket and swiped a pack of cigarettes from the same drunk, who had passed out over the corner stool.

"Alright, let's make sure this virgin goes home safe." said Leo as he playfully ruffled my hair.

"Oi..." I growled.

"Will do," Johannes said as he ushered me off my seat.

Even as we rode up to the Survey Headquarters, I felt none of the effects of the alcohol. All I was left with were the horrible aftertastes.

We were greeted by Hange, and behind her, a visibly livid Levi.

"Bel Squad and Leo~!" she sang as she ran up to us. Levi came trudging down the cobblestone steps behind her, fists clenched. I dismounted my horse.

"We got tons of information out of our target," I reported.

"He died though!" Johannes added, followed by a high pitched hiccup.

"Yeah, he's deaded," Simone contributed with a creepy smile, "He died." I shot them both a look. Levi made it down the steps.

"Sounds like you did a good job, Kitten. That took massive balls," he said.

"Thank yo-"

"Don't ever fucking do it again." His lip and eyebrow twitched, signifying that he was holding back a more dramatic outburst.

A trio of snickers erupted behind me.

"I might have to, Captain," I admitted, "Zackley may send me down again, since he gave the authority of this mission to me..." Levi shot Hange a lethal glare. Guess she hadn't told him that.

"Well! Thank you all for coming back safely!" Hange chirped nervously as she took the reins of my horse, "And thank you, Leo, for working with our Scouts!"

He saluted her respectfully. "Of course, Acting Commander Hange. We're all soldiers of humanity." Levi rolled his eyes.

"Well! Let's get these horses put to bed! Come, come you two!" She nodded off towards Johannes and Simone and the three of them started for the barn.

"Well, I'm off Bel. Take care." I waved to him and began walking up the steps.

"Hey." Levi pulled at my cloak and pushed my shoulder to angle my neck into the torchlight, "What happened to your neck?"

"It's just a scratch," I explained as I felt my bare skin heat up beneath his hand, "The bleeding stopped pretty quickly. I'm about to go clean it up"

"Alright then." He went ahead, swiping his hand against his thigh. "You missed an important meeting. Come by my office straight after washing up… and don't keep me waiting."

"Yes, Captain." I confirmed. He glanced down at me before turning the corner into the officer's wing.

 

* * *

 

"Shit... that could leave a scar..." I mumbled to myself as I dabbed ointment. It wasn't going to be my first scar, but my first visible one. I frowned, wrapped it in a clean bandage, then went to cleaning up well enough to be admitted into Levi's office.

"Coming in, Captain," I announced as I opened the heavy door. He was leaned up against the front of his desk overlooking a paper when I came in.

"Here's Hange's latest report. Look it over." He handed me the sheet.

"Why did you make me come all the way over here instead of just passing this on to me?"

"You'll see..." he said gruffly as he twisted around and took a sip of tea.

My mouth fell agape when I read the news.

"You mean... titans could possibly be a human creation entirely...? So all titans... were once human...?"

"That's the idea..." he replied coolly.

"Wait..." My mind changed as I processed the information. "Then that means we were never entirely at their mercy! Their existence is nowhere beyond human comprehension!" I grinned excitedly as the groundbreaking speculation racked my brain, to which his eyes widened considerably. "This is so great! Imagine how many treatments the secrets of titan regeneration  could bring to fruition! We could treat and cure all disease! All injuries!" I grabbed an afraid Levi by the shoulders and shook him. "Do you know what this means?!"

"If you make me drop my tea, I'm gonna fucking kill you?!" he threatened.

"No!" I squealed and picked him up by his waist, "Humanity! Can! Come! Back! We'll be back in power!" I chanted happily as I spun him around. He lunged to down the rest of his tea before it spilled.

"Fucking shit Bel! You're reaction's worse than Hange's and Erwin's combined! Damn! Put me the fuck down!" He flailed about as he tried to push off me.

"Aww, c'mon, Captain Buzzkill! Why so tense?"

"Just protecting my ribs and fucking inner organs from your fucking vice grip!" he growled as he tried to wedge his hand between his ribs and my arm as he tapped my head with his teacup.

"Oh! Sorry, Captain!" I let him down. He let out an exhausted sigh as his feet reunited with the ground. I was beginning to feel dizzy.

"Have you been drinking?" he asked with a no nonsense expression.

"No. Of course not. I don't drink," I lied.

"Whatever..." He rubbed his temples and leaned back against his desk. "In other news, I'm gonna be forming a new squad bent on further testing Hange and Armin's wall theory, using Eren."

"So you're forming your new squad out of the 104th kids?"

"Yeah. Eren's gonna have to force himself to get his shit together if he has the lives of his friends to fuss over."

"I see what you mean, Levi, but is that the right thing to do? Taking the rookies up on such a dangerous mission?"

"They're not rookies anymore. They've seen more than enough to make them seasoned veterans. Besides, Eren's still my responsibility and it's my duty to make sure he gives all the fucks he can."

I snorted. "Your, 'duty', Captain Levi?" He noticed my emphasis on the word and clicked his tongue.

"Yes! My 'duty', Bel! Now shut the hell up! I have a shitload to do and you're laughing is obnoxious as fuck!"

My snickering turned to laughter. "Better make sure to pack a spare change of drawers, Levi!" He caught my head in both his hands as I was about to keel over.

"It's! Not! Funny!" He snapped and started poking into my cheeks with his thumbs, "Stop laughing! Now! Or I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Better wash your hands first, Captain!" My hilarity took over, causing tears to fill my eyes and my stomach and cheeks to feel sore. He sighed and dropped his head.

"Aww to hell with it, you fucking child!" he grunted before throwing me onto his couch to finish getting my childishness out of my system and nonchalantly walking over his desk to work.

 

* * *

 

I rolled over on his chaise. It was dark outside. I must've fallen asleep after I calmed down. The dim candlelight from his desk was easy on my eyes. He was steadily writing. The smooth movements of his pen danced with the rising curls of smoke from the candle. I propped myself up on the arm of the couch and wiped my eyes.

"Finally up, Kitten?" He mumbled across his desk to me.

"Yeah," I moaned with a yawn.

"About fucking time. You went on with your ridiculous laughing for fifteen solid fucking minutes and passed out." He picked up the paper he was writing on and placed it upon a pile next to some books. "Do the world a favor and never drink again. Please. Your tolerance is shit. And you're an even shittier liar." I suddenly recalled the earlier events.

"In my defense, I needed that..." I argued and sat up to begin folding the sheet he had draped over me. Noticing that I had tossed and turned my sleep, I embarrassedly fixed my bodice.

"Bel," he put down his pen and leaned over his desk, his expression grim and serious, "While you were out... like that... did anyone... were you..." he fished for words, then abruptly stood up, "Did any assholes take advantage of you?"

I dropped the finished sheet onto my lap. "Umm... What do you..." My eyes widened and I vigorously shook my head upon my sudden recollection. "No! Not at all! No one as much laid a hand on me! I'm clean!" He exhaled and sat back down.

"Good. It's been a while since I last killed a bastard. Guess I won't be breaking my streak anytime soon." He took a sip of tea and dropped his gaze back onto his work.

"You'd kill...? Captain?"

"We protect our own, even if one is dumb enough to do some underground recon dressed as a fucking prostitute."

"Is that all..." I sighed, feeling a bit disappointed in his response. He seemed to catch on.

"So... you're 'clean'," he remarked.

"Excuse me?"

"Clean," he reemphasized, "a virgin."

"Seriously..." I fiddled nervously with the sheet and looked away.

"Who are you kidding? You fucking radiate innocence."

"Is... that a bad thing...?"

"It could get you seriously hurt if you stay a dull idiot." I dropped my head. He was right. I had tunnel vision for the most part while I was down there. It was only pure luck that protected me from all the horrible things that could've happened to me. Not only that, but I got caught and could have gotten my comrades killed trying to escape. The guilt overcame me and I shuddered.

"I'm sorry, Levi..." I muttered with a sniff.

"Aw shit." He clicked his tongue and put down his pen. "Look, Bel. What's done is done. You went down there, brave as shit, kicked ass, and came back safe. You have nothing to regret. It's ok."

"But-"

"And forget what I said. You're fine the way you are... your fucking attitude..." He clasped a flustered hand to his temple and leaned over his elbows. Stray strands of silky ebon hair protruded from his fingers. "... Is tolerable... I... like having you around... "

My face erupted in heat. Did he mean that he... I couldn't find the words.

"Levi..." I muttered.

"What," he groaned. I stayed silent for a moment, still stricken with his acknowledgement. "What!" he repeated. I averted his gaze and stiffened my hands into my lap.

"Nothing..."

"Don't call me for no fucking reason!"

"Sorry..."

"Goddamn it. You drive me crazy."

That was it.

That was his confession. Hange drove him nuts. Eren drove him up the wall. Merchants and MPs pissed him off.

But I drove him crazy.

I thought hard, thinking about the right thing to say. I gave up and walked to his bedroom to put away the sheet. When I came back, he was thoroughly reabsorbed in his work. I stood before his desk and nervously folded my hands in front of me.

"What the hell do you want now?" he admonished, "You stumbled your hungover ass into my office, acted completely normal, swung my ass around, made fun of me, then passed out on my couch. What else do you want from me?"

"Umm..."

"Do you want me to say that dress looks good on you?"

"Err..."

"Well, it does, but it doesn't exactly suit you. You look better in maneuver gear. Anything else?"

He was driving me crazy.

"Y-you look good in a suit!" I blurted out, "A-and I like your cravat!"

"Thank you," he replied nonchalantly before taking a sip of his tea, "Are you gonna join my squad this time around or give us the fucking ditch at the last minute, again?" I breathed a sigh of relief, glad he changed the subject.

"I don't want to let down my team. We've been working well together." He sighed disappointedly and began straightening a stack of papers.

"Rejected two. Times. In. A. Row!" He exaggerated his words with a tap of the papers, "Give a man a fucking break, Bel, and stop being such a tease!"

And we were back.

"I wouldn't mind asking Commander Erwin if we could accompany you..."

"Fan-fucking-tastic," he retorted as he shoved the papers into a folder, "Welcome aboard. Bring your friends..." He stopped. "... don't bring your friends. They're probably more irritating than that irritating as fuck dynamic duo you call your team. Plus I can't stand your giant MP buddy." I collected myself and decided to fight back. I sat atop his desk, crossed my legs, and twisted around to lean over him. He looked up at me with amusement that turned into a scowl.

"Would you rather we go alone... Captain...?" I said with as sultry a tone as I could. He stared at me for a while, maintaining his poker face before finally replying.

"Get the hell out of my office, Temptress."

I gave a small laugh before leaving, sensually trailing a nail along his doorframe before slipping out. I heard his head thud upon his desk once I rounded the corner and giggled some more.


	34. Touch

"I'm gonna need you three to deploy ahead of us to the old safehouse here. Once you get there, even before cleaning, I need you to set up a perimeter with routine checkpoints. Don't stay in one place for too long." I nodded as my teammates and I studied the map Levi had laid out before us as he explained. "For the first couple nights, you can sleep inside. But I want you to clear out before the cadets arrive. They'll be coming with enough supplies to last the operation." He paused for a moment. "On second thought, leave most of the cleaning to them. They need the practice."

"How far out do you want the recon?" I asked.

"Far enough to make diverting smoke signals convincing against Eren's titan steam."

"Ahh... so that means pretty fucking far..." Johannes whined. I kicked him beneath the table.

"Going on...!" Levi chided irritatedly, "Hange will be coming, but you'll have to be on standby just in case Eren wrecks, ok? Hey, Bel..." He bumped my shoulder with the back of his hand. "I'm talking to you."

"Huh?" I was so distracted by the tones of his voice and the movements of his lips that I neglected to listen to his words.

"I'll send a messenger out to you if Eren needs medical attention," he repeated.

"That could take a while. We could lose precious time if he was seriously hurt," I interjected.

"Have a better idea, Bel?" Simone pleaded, "'cause, to be honest, I don't really want to the one running around trying to find you. You're a tiny ass-" Johannes passed on the kick.

"Plus, everyone's gonna blame you if you take too long and it's gonna be all your fault when humanity's doomed, all because of your slow ass..." Johannes teased.

"Fuck off!" she retorted as she shoved his face away.

"Listen the fuck up!" Levi shouted as he pounded the small conference table with his fist for emphasis, "We can't let anyone find Eren, and when I say can't I mean better fucking not, got that?" I nodded calmly while my subordinates vigorously bobbed their heads in fear.

"Let's use Leo's dove," I offered.

"Tch, as much as I don't want that asshole's help, that's our best bet," he admitted, "Go call for it." I went to the window and whistled out.

"Alright, so we're out there," Simone said, "What kind of threats are we looking for? What do we do with the intruders, if we find any?"

"We're not entirely sure, but looking over the information from the wall cult and, coincidentally, your last operation, we're not dealing with your average petty thefts."

"So... we kill them, because it's likely they're gonna try and kill us first," Johannes concluded.

"Yeah," Levi affirmed. I stuck my fingers in the corners of my mouth to whistle more loudly, "Where's that fucking bird?" he asked impatiently. I wiped my fingers on my belt guard.

"He must have her right now, and is about to send her with news..." I assumed.

"Well it must be old news, because we've got all the shit on our side," he complained.

"Ah," I reached out the window as the bird landed on my fingers. I scanned the note. "Yup, civil unrest has got him busy. He won't be able to respond to an emergency."

"Great," Levi said as he wrapped the bird in a handkerchief and walked off with it. I wrinkled a brow.

"Err... What are you doing?"

"Going to teach it a new song, obviously," he remarked, "Last thing I need it for it to fly all the way to that oaf when you're the one I'm trying to reach."

"I see."

"You're all dismissed," he said over his shoulder, "Ask Hange if you have any more questions. Be ready to leave tonight."

 

* * *

 

Later that day, the bird came up to my window chirping a different, but still familiar tune.

"Hey there..." I said as I opened the window and let it in. The note, in Levi's handwriting, read:

Turn around.

As I did so, there he was leaning against my open door with a package tucked beneath his arm.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," he replied, "This is for you." He tossed the package at me.

"From?" I asked as I slipped my thumb beneath the heavy paper. He entered the room and sat on my vanity.

"... Me," he said after a short pause. I pulled a luxurious mauve shirt from the package. The soft material felt amazing in my hands.

"Wow... it's beautiful..." I said in awe, "Levi... why-"

"You've been popping your collar a lot," he began to explain as he ran a nervous hand through his hair, "Since you've always had, I mean, since we've met, you've had long hair, well, not too long, but longer hair, so I figured you felt cold with your new haircut, so I... got you a cowl necked shirt... because I see you losing a scarf." I smiled brightly.

"Thank you... for being so considerate of me, Captain!" I got up to give him a hug, but was shocked by his expression. I couldn't believe what was happening before my very eyes.

His cheeks were reddening.

"There's more," he said with a fake cough. I tipped the bag and out slid a red ribbon.

"Levi..." I said as I picked it up and examined it. It was of the exact same material as the one Cinnie gave me. I’d lost it during the Eren Retrieval mission.

"Thought you'd want to replace that... since you used to wear it all the time... Plus, you said you hated my tea, so-" I gathered my courage and threw my arms around him.

"Thank you so much, Levi... I don't know what to say..."

"Again?" he chuckled as he awkwardly returned my embrace, "No need. It was nothing. Just stay alive..."

"I actually... don't hate your tea... I'd just... like it sweetened a little bit..."

"Alright, I'll remember that for next time."

We remained there for a few seconds as his embrace grew subtly tighter. The bird chirped.

"Oh." I pushed away so I could face him. His arms dropped slowly, and reassumed their usual crossed position. "Where did you learn that song?" He flipped his hair back into place. His bangs seemed to be getting rather long.

"It was something... from the underground. One of my colleagues doubled as a troubadour and played it often."

"Crazy..." I said as I lifted my head in the nostalgia, "It was my brother's favorite song to play."

"Interesting. Didn't think there was a shortage of creativity down there, with the crazy ways people try to get money and shit..."

"Hey, it's a good song! He played it so well!"

"Really. He told me you yelled at him whenever he messed up."

"That's how he got good!" We both chuckled heartily. When we both looked up, our eyes met and the smiles faded from our faces. The painting on the wall behind him brought out the blue in his eyes. They had always appeared so grey, I never noticed the rich hues of cobalt, like the deep of a lake, that hid amongst his stratified irises before, but up close...

Blue... his eyes were blue...

They were so... beautiful...

Like the sky in the blue hour...

My body leaned closer. He remained plastered where he was. My reasoning seemed to leave me, as I was hypnotized by his soft gaze. He dropped his arms and placed his hand atop mine. He pulled me closer. Our chests aligned. He tilted his head.

My breath suddenly hitched in anticipation. Our noses could almost touch.

'All men are animals.'

Then I was suddenly terrified. I brought my hand up to his hair.

"Do you..." I said softly, breaking free from his gaze, "Need someone to give you a trim?"

"Uh, yeah..." he brought my hand down and cleared his throat.

"Ok, I'll get a razor." He slid off my vanity and we walked out together.

 

* * *

 

A few days into the operation, Eren had exhausted himself and passed out for a full day. When that happened, I was summoned to check on him.

"His vitals are alright, " I said as checked the dilations of his eyes. His face was quite burned from where he was fused with the titan, but he was otherwise ok. "Just get some ointment on his face." Mikasa immediately ran out the room to retrieve it.

"Oh thank goodness!" said Hange as she stretched her arms. Mikasa returned with the ointment and I showed her how to best apply it. Jean noticeably sulked in the corner of the room.

"Too bad," Levi argued, "A couple of burns would've been an improvement to his obnoxious mug." Mikasa shot him a death glare and my team, Hange, and I laughed.

"Alright, we're off to continue the recon." I stated as I wiped off my hands and turned to face Levi, "Take care of the kids, Captain Su-" I stopped myself when I realized what was coming out of my mouth, and in front of so many people. The 104th cadets dropped their jaws, almost in unison as Simone and Johannes prepared their snickers.

"Will do, Officer Sweet Pea," Levi replied without as much as a stutter.

The snickers didn't come out. Shocked faces replaced the need for sound. A Scout defeatedly passed some money to a victoriously gleaning Hange. I ran out the door. My squad had to run as well to keep up with me.

"What in the world was that?" Simone exasperated as we landed near our last checkpoint.

"Captain Sugar? Officer Sweet Pea? What are you, a couple of senior citizens?" Johannes teased.

Simone slapped the back of his head, "Of course not, you doofus! Didn't you feel the sexual tension in there? You could cut it with a knife! They obviously haven't done it yet!"

My face erupted in flames as I bent down and prepared another fire.

"Damn, you're good!" Johannes remarked, "How do you know all that?"

"Enough!" I yelled in an uncomfortably high screech, "We have a mission! Please focus...!"

"But I'm right, right?" Simone continued with a wink. I remained silent.

 

* * *

 

The following night, I was awoken by the loud tweeting of Leo's dove. Upon reading Levi's message, I called out to my teammates and we quickly made our return to the safehouse.

"What about Erwin's orders?" I immediately inquired as we walked through the door. Levi and the cadets were sitting at the large center table. The other officers were nowhere to be seen.

"What, not even a kiss hello?" Johan whispered to Simone behind my back.

"Not in front of the children!" she joked back.

"We're gonna bait the kidnappers using Jean and Armin." Levi ignored their comments and got right to the point. I glanced amongst their faces and stood beside him.

"Jean's done it before," I acknowledged, then turned to the blonde boy, with eyes glistening more brilliant than a crystal lake, "Armin. Are you prepared to pass as a woman?" He shifted in his seat, the faced me courageously.

"I am!" he asserted confidently. I leaned over the table.

"You're aware of how woman are treated by kidnappers?" I reiterated. He faltered. Mikasa and Eren exchanged knowing glances as the others remained solemn at my sudden attention to that detail.

"Umm..." his confidence suddenly fell.

"Hey Bel! We were supposed to be ready for this!" Jean reprimanded, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Saving him from potential trauma," I stated as I walked around the table to kneel before Armin, "Come with me, Armin. There are a few things I need to prepare you for."

"Yes, Ma'am..." he replied weakly before pushing back his chair and following me upstairs. I wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders as we walked.

"Bel," Levi called out to me.

"Yeah?" I answered from over Armin's shoulder.

"Keep it short. We have to leave soon."

"Yes, Sir." I opened the door to the upper sleeping quarters and shut it behind me.

"Go ahead and sit down, Armin," I said as I motioned towards one of the beds.

"Alright..." he said as he plopped down. After dropping my gear, I pulled up a wooden chair and sat before him. He nervously shifted around. "If you don't mind my asking..." he began, "Why are you so concerned?"

"Because..." I took his hands and leaned forward sympathetically. "There's a chance of you experiencing a horror you would never have to face otherwise..." I explained.

"I see..." he said as I finished my exposition. His bright azure eyes lowered studiously as he contemplated all the information. "I'm glad Christa, I mean, Historia, won't have to deal with anything like that."

"You're a wonderful man," I complimented with a warm smile. He blushed wildly.

"N-no I'm not! I'm just doing my part in being a soldier and protecting my friends!" he blurted. I got up and hushed him with light kiss upon his forehead.

"That's what makes you wonderful, Armin. You deserve to have more confidence. You can accomplish so much more than you think you're capable of." He sheepishly rose a hand to his forehead, his sunny blonde hair pushed back by his fingers.

"You really think so, Officer Bel?"

"I know so, Soldier." I playfully ruffled his hair. "Good luck, and come home safe." I gave him an honorable salute, to which he jumped up and did the same.

"Thank you, Bel!"

We returned downstairs to find Levi sitting at the table alone.

"Done?" he said as he looked up from his tea.

"Done," I replied. There was a slight scent of alcohol in the air. "And the others?" I inquired.

"Outside packing up," he replied as he took another drink, "Arlert."

"Yes, Sir!" The boy responded dutifully.

"Join them," he ordered. The blonde nodded before rushing outside, leaving the two of us alone. I walked up to the table and took a whiff of the bottle beside his cup.

"Drinking on the job, Captain?" I asked with narrowed eyes.

"What of it..." he replied nonchalantly. "What of it..." he repeated as he gazed off into the darkness that became of the far corners of the ceiling.

"You haven't been wearing your cravat," I pointed out, "There something serious going on that you're keeping to yourself, huh?"

"How observant of you, Kitten..." he remarked with a smirk as he reached over the table and  wound his arms around my hips.

"L-Levi! What are you-"

"Shhh..." he hushed as he sat back down and pulled me along with him. I braced myself against the back of his chair to keep from falling on him, but his grip only tightened. He burrowed his head into my stomach. The sudden gesture and closeness was unsettling.

"Levi, what's going on?" I whispered, putting my free hand atop his head.

"Stay still," he commanded. I looked over him. His leg wasn't showing signs of spasms. He didn't appear to be in any physical pain. I placed the back of my hand on his cheek. He seemed afebrile. His breathing was even, although it reeked of alcohol. Was that it...? I felt his cheekbone rise. "No, I'm not sick, Dr. Kitten."

"Levi, you're scaring me..." I shuddered, "Why are you drinking now of all times? It's very important that you're alert tomorrow. I don't want you to get hurt because you're hungover and-"

"Can't I just..." he shifted his head to keep from muffling his voice into my abdomen, "... hold you... for a moment... without you whining...?"

He must have been scared of something, but I couldn't discern what it was. The only other time he was clingy like this was when he was injured. What was he doing...?

"Umm..." I deliberated quietly within myself for a moment before replying. I decided not to reject him. I softly returned his embrace and gently rubbed the crown of his head. His hold loosened as he let out a soft sigh. "Of course you can..." I soothed, "Anything you need, I'm here for you, Captain..."

"Levi..." he corrected, "Right now, I'm just Levi..."

"... Levi..." I repeated. He shuddered slightly and shifted his grip to my harness, making my heart quicken.

He then hummed, the subtle and deep vibrations igniting a sensation that ripped the fibers of my being. "Again."

"What?" He traced his hands up my harness to below the holsters and gently leaned back. He looked up at me endearingly. Something triggered within my chest. My fate was sealed with that face. I was powerless.

"My name," he said, "Say it again." I suddenly felt faint. The dimly lit room started to spin behind his yearning face. The more I stared, the more blue shone through his eyes. The longer I waited, the more he raptured me with the most mesmerizing face I had ever seen.

I couldn't take anymore.

My body could no longer take the rampant surges of foreign sensations he instigated within me with his simple touch...

I raised my hand and pushed his face away.

"Levi." I said monotonously as I turned my own head far from his captivating gaze.


	35. Do You Hear the People Sing?

As Levi and his squad left the area, my team and I were to stay behind and learn the identities of a group of pursuers who planned to attack the safehouse that night. As it turned out, they were members of a company called Reeve's, desperate to raise from their worsening status by any means possible. The bait kidnapping was successful, and Levi succeeded in recruiting the entire company to support our cause, which I later learned to be an uprising against the government and central brigade. As Erwin filled in the more gruesome details, it became clear as to why Levi and the other officers were on edge. A huge gamble was at stake, and no amount of trust in the Commander could deter all doubts completely.

We were on the verge of revolution, and the Scouts were at the forefront.

Even more trouble for me personally was the chance that Leo and I would be forced to become enemies. I knew for certain that he wouldn't fight me. I wouldn't fight him either. What worried me most was who would be most harshly punished if the chance presented itself and we both disobeyed.

What would happen then...?

"Bel." My needless speculation was cut short by Johan in the doorway.

"Yeah?" I looked up from my sketching.

"We're heading out," he said, "Don't forget it's raining."

"Alright. I'll meet you all outside."

The plan was to capture a man named Sanez, whom was affiliated with the wall cult. With the help of the president of Reeve's Company, the plan proceeded without a hitch and our target was in our custody. After locking him up, Hange and Levi returned to the room upstairs where the cadets, my team, and I were waiting.

"You wanna join us, Bel?" Hange inquired with a sadistically sickening grin as Levi tied a white apron around his waist.

"Not a chance..." I grumbled, "My practice is to quell pain, not instigate it."

"I believe otherwise..." Jean complained. Johan and Simone chuckled from the other side of the room.

"I believe the Commander may think otherwise too..." Simone chuckled. They always seemed to find something funny in everything I had to say, but who the hell told them...? I gave Jean a weak crooked smile.

"Are you sure about that?" Hange asked again.

"Yeah," I replied calmly, "I have nothing personal against the guy..."

"Suit yourself..." Levi stated as he grabbed a pair of long rubber gloves, "C'mon Hange. We have to be there when he wakes up." As they left, the cadets chatted lightly. I walked over to Armin, who was laying upon his arms atop the table.

"Hey there," I said, bending over the seat next to him, "How are you doing?"

"I... could be better..." he mumbled.

"How are you feeling?" I reiterated.

"Pretty... gross..." he replied.

"Are you gonna be ok?"

"Yeah..."

"Alright. I'll be around if you need me." I said, giving him a light pat on the head as I got up, "Remember," I met my eyes to his level sincerely and spoke softly, "You're one hell of a man, Armin." He gave a small smile and shied sheepishly back into his arms.

"Thank you, Officer."

I gave both his shoulders a firm and confident squeeze. "There's the soldier you've been hiding." I then walked over to Mikasa. "Tell me if he takes too long to feel normal," I said quietly to her, "You too, Eren. I'll let you two be the judge of that."

"Sure thing, Bel." Eren affirmed.

Mikasa nodded, "... Thank you."

"No," I returned, "Thank you two."

Screaming suddenly resounded from downstairs. Forgetting about the torture and just following my instincts to run to a person in need, I quickly descended to see Levi's fist flying across the man's jaw while Moblit held the chair. His muscles ripped through his shirt as he punched him a second time and went to adjusting his gloves. Sanez had his fingers curled, and beneath his hands the wooden arms were bloody. As he turned his head, I noticed Levi had broken his nose. The sight was horrifying, but something forced me to stay there. Something told me I had to see.

I remained in the doorway, listening to the exchange. Sanez refused to answer all of Levi's questions. Moblit had few notes to take, as the man divulged them in a ranting of loyalty and gratitude rather than the answers we sought. Hange was a nervous wreck, like a carriage missing a wheel that could overturn at any moment. Her voice was skittish and her mannerisms unrefined. It reminded me of how she was when testing the pain thresholds of her previous titan test subjects.

She wasn't enjoying this either.

Levi, on the other hand, was in complete control.

'All men are animals.'

I clasped a hand to my chest in attempt to steady my breathing.

It quickly became clear that the man wasn't going to divulge anything, but the two continued exploiting his pain. When Hange grabbed a couple of pliers and stuck them in his mouth, I jerked away from the doorway and skittered a few steps down the hall. A memory I had suppressed was triggered. I sank to the floor and buried my face into my knees.

"Let's take a break," I heard Levi's voice echo.

"This is bad. I'm starting to pity him," Hange replied. I stood up, hid my face, and handed her the script. Levi took off a glove and kindly rested a reassuring hand on my shoulder. As they filed off with the other prisoner named Ralph, an accomplice of Sanez, I remained near the door to listen for any audible reaction the wounded man may make. We decided to take advantage of the trust within the cult to stage a betrayal. With such iron clad binding, we hypothesized that if one block fell, all others would follow after.

We were right.

The true royal family was confirmed to be that of Historia Reiss, formerly Christa Renz. A meeting was to take place later on, including a couple of Reeve's Company officials, to discuss the young girl's ascension to the throne and an end to this kakistocrasy.

 

* * *

 

After Hange rearranged the prisoners, I left to the top of the tower. It wasn't exactly my turn for duty, but I couldn't be around the others, and I couldn't swallow any breakfast. I worried about my mother. I worried about Leo. He must have his hands full dealing with the rising crime rate of the capitol. I began to wander over the incidents I had little to no time to emotionally entertain. My head began to throb with anguish, so I shifted my attention to the clouds.

It was the same sky I observed the day I graduated, the very day I became an official soldier. The majestic curls of water vapor twisted into the deep canvas of night, like the notes of a somber, but beautiful, nocturne. I closed my eyes a moment and felt the crisp open air sting my cheeks. I didn't think to adjust my cowl against the chill. All I wanted was to feel a minor pain I could tolerate...

My peace was interrupted by Levi's song. Nifa must have returned with another transmission from the Commander. Without bothering to check for a note, I regretfully returned to the main room of the cottage. Everyone had gathered, and the new company member parvenu, the president's son, was giving lip. I made myself comfortable in the farthest corner of the room, away from my team and the cadets. I was in no mood for jokes, but couldn't help being amused by the small grin that appeared on Mikasa's face as the associate challenged the Captain's hospitality.

 

* * *

 

I could not take my eyes off him as he harshly commanded Historia to accept her fate.

'All men are animals.'

I couldn't convince myself to agree with a single word he was saying.

'All men are animals.'

She was just a child... threats were not the correct way to address this...

'All men are animals.'

He rose her into the air.

"Levi!" I called out angrily. He paid no heed to me and dropped her to the floor. Sasha and Armin rushed to her side.

Was no one going to stop him?

My discontent began to reach a peak. I could take no more of this. I could care less about the fate of the world. I wasn't about to remain part of such cruel and illogical means, but standing up to Levi then and there in front of the company representatives would make things much worse...

I left the room and was about to leave earshot, when Jean's voice made me stop short.

"You didn't have to do that!" he yelled. I peeked back around the door and listened to Levi speak. "What do you guys think you're doing tomorrow? That you're going to eat your meals tomorrow? That you'll be able to get enough sleep again tomorrow... Is that what you're thinking? That the person next to you... will still be there tomorrow?” The room remained silent. “I don't think that. And normal people don't think about that every day either. Which is to say: I'm not normal. I'm an aberrant person. I think it's because I've seen too many abnormal things. But if tomorrow, Wall Rose were to be broken, in such abnormal circumstances I can respond faster than anyone. And fight. Even if that hell were to begin again tomorrow. You've seen it with your own eyes. Who can say that it won't be tomorrow? However. As much as we want to prevent this from happening... there are people that want to get in our way. I'm fine playing the role of the aberrant who would murder all of those people. And this may very well require beating people until they are unrecognizable... because I would choose the hell of people killing one another rather than the hell of being devoured by the titans. Because at the very least... not all of humanity will have to take part in it. However... if we were able to hold true authority in this world... then perhaps those who would have died can instead survive... that's pretty good, right?" I peeked ever so slightly around the door, preparing to rush to Historia's aid nonetheless if Levi took his words any further. The girl was sweating bullets, clearly seen from even my distance. Something seemed to flicker beneath her fragile surface. "It's all up to you, Historia," Levi continued, gleering down at her, "Will you follow? Will you fight? They're both fine, so pick one. However... There is no time, so decide now!" My muscles tensed as he knelt to her ground, but I was stopped by a subtle gesture of his, one I've learned meant...

Love.

"I'll do it!" Historia screamed.

She was safe now.

It was time for me to leave before I blew.

Levi's words rang throughout my head as I stumbled down the hall. I identified with his perspective, but it still wasn't right...

It didn't have to be this way... I found myself shaking and my breath shallowing.

I returned to the tower running, suffocated by the principles I was raised with. I didn't want to believe in them. I really didn't. More than anything, I wanted to believe that the world was different, different from the fears that held us back for so many years. I wanted to believe that people were good and fundamentally human.

I wanted to believe my mother was wrong.

But here we were, not fighting titans, but fighting people, people ruled by ignorance and greed, and the only way to fight them...

Was to become less than human.

I winced and grit my teeth.

How could I have fallen for such a ruthless man...? What was becoming of me...? Had I not learned a thing from my mother's experience...? Our experience? He was willing to fall so far... I couldn't agree... not when all of humanity would soon be involved.

I'd rather die...

I'd rather die than live like this...

I can't vouch for a world...

... of people killing each other over ideals...

I heard a noise a length of time after losing track of it and defensively flung a throwing knife in the direction it came.

"Hey! Hey! Team Leader!" Johannes cried out in a panic.

"It's us, Bel," Simone said calmly as she freed Johan's sleeve from the brick.

"Return to your barracks!" I commanded, "That's an order!"

"As your friends..." Johannes began as he rubbed his shocked soldier.

"We can say 'to hell with your orders!'" Simone completed. I breathed a heavy sigh.

"Alright. You can stay as long as you don't touch me," I surrendered as I curled into a ball against a broken canon. Johannes took a seat atop a crate next to me and Simone perched atop a battlement.

"So," started Johannes, "Your inamorato went too far for you with his tough side, huh?"

"No," I replied.

"Well, what were you expecting?" Simone questioned nononsensically, "We're at the forefront of a coup d’état. Asking nicely won't change anything."

"No," I stated.

"No, what?" Simone whined, a bit impatiently, "You're like a child throwing a tantrum. No, you're not mad at Captain Levi? No, you disagree with me?"

"No," I said bluntly as I threw a knife into a crevice, picked it up, and threw it again, "We're not going to talk about this."

"Then don't talk," Johannes officiated, "Just listen." I continued my knife throwing and Simone sulked. "No one is how they seem." I chuckled mockingly, but he ignored me and continued on, "Passion is best undefined, as for all emotions. They're so influential because they're beyond our power. Right now, we're overcome by fear. We can do nothing but tremble before the unknown, but the truth is, we can do so much more. We need to take that ambiguity, and embrace it." At this, Simone perked up from her shoulders.

"He's right," she acknowledged, "We feel stuck, but we don't have to be. We're on the same side. We have to accept all sides of each other, because, even if the Commander's wrong, we're going to go down together."

"Additionally," Johannes went on, "We need to be there for each other when we break, and we need to accept and tolerate what comes of such points..." He got up and kneeled before me. "You need to take that leap of faith, and indulge your passions. Stop deliberating the perfect choice. Stop thinking about the future." He took my hand and shook it firmly, identical to the time Levi and I discovered his true identity. "Live for the insane. It's a power greater than anything. When nothing else makes sense, it does. And it. Will. Save. You." Tears began to fill my eyes.

"And that 'all men are animals' shit you keep muttering under your breath, you're a scientist! You're better than that! You know women are animals, too!" Simone barked with crossed arms, "I don't know where the hell you got that from, but it pisses me off. If you're gonna dehumanize men, you may as well dehumanize women too," she snarled. "We're two sides of the same coin called humanity. Enough of your hood talk."

"I'm sorry..." I buried my face into my hands, "I've been so stupid. I've been chasing ghosts that don't exist..."

"Don't be anything other than yourself, Bel," Johannes comforted, "If you strive to meet all expectations the world may have for you, you're going to let yourself down in the end. I can accurately deduce that was what you're struggling with, right?" I nodded.

"You should've stayed to hear the rest of what he had to say, too..." Simone sighed, "You would've changed your mind about him." Guess she didn't notice I hung back.

"That's true," Johannes acknowledged, "He has more of a way with words than I thought. Maybe it's the subject matter..." Simone threw a handkerchief at me.

"Take some time to cool off. Run your ODM. Bawl like a bitch. I don't care. Just clear your head and get back to ordering us around and doing what you do best."

"You mean ordering you two around isn't what I do best?" I joked as I dabbed my eyes with the corners.

"No. You're horrible. You couldn't convince us to leave you alone."

"Right Johan..." I stood up and pat each of them upon the shoulders, "Thank you, you two."

"You saved our lives," said Simone, "The least we could do was entertain your little temper tantrum." I threw the handkerchief back at her face and jumped off the tower.

"Thanks Simone!" I shouted as I rappelled off the edge of the tower.

"Talk it out with him as soon as you can!" Johannes screamed after me as I rounded the tower. I looped around a second time to give him a thumbs up, and disappeared into the forest.


	36. Singing a Song of Angry Men?

I returned just before dawn, feeling refreshed, but tired and sweaty. The horses were still in the barn, and the inner lights were still on. I still had time. I shook the sweat from my hair, wiped my face, and dropped my gear. The wind kicked up, bringing a delicious morning breeze into my exasperated face. Faint golden rays were about to embark from the horizon and welcome in a new day. I leaned over the edge and closed my eyes to let the first rays of the new day wash upon my face. I took deep breaths.

I could do it. I could face him now.

"Kitten."

I... couldn't face him now. I slumped over the battlement.

"Hey, Kitten," he said as he joined me. He placed a cup of hot tea before me and dropped in a couple sugar cubes. "You left in the middle of a real important debriefing and were out all night. Where the hell were you?" he interrogated firmly as he ironically stirred my cup with deliberate care.

"You didn't... hear me shout out to you?" I asked timidly. He handed me the cup. The breeze turned cold, as I had already cooled down from my run.

"I did," he stated, "What got your panties in a bunch?" I sipped the tea. It was delicious and soothing. I inhaled the fragrance and savored it.

"You have... more colors than the visible spectrum..." I mumbled. He threw his head back and  leaned over the wall. The wind tousled his hair.

... heavenly.

"Do I have to get back to you after asking Hange to translate that shit, or are you willing to water it down a bit for me?" he asked monotonously. I remained leaning forward with my head cradled within my arms.

"The colors you showed back there, " I continued, "Were... surely not the best colors that you've shined..."

"Well, I didn't intend to be a fucking peacock," he replied curtly.

I tried, but I wasn't quite ready. I couldn’t speak in anything but metaphor, as the real words were avoiding me.

I pushed myself from the edge and started walking away.

"Wait, Bel!" he cried, grabbing my arm. I whipped my head back to glare at him. He cleared his throat. "Sorry, I just have a filthy mouth, you know that, but..." I shook him off.

"Goodbye, Captain."

"Medical Officer Vanteon," he growled. I glowered at him from over my shoulder. He was about to use his position of authority to overpower every single one of my objections, like a mother calling her children by their full names. I turned roughly and saluted him, plastering a middle finger over my chest instead of a proudly closed fist.

"Yes. Captain," I hissed. He walked up to me and stared me down. I held my ground without budging. The wind picked up and blew his scent in my direction. I bit my lower lip. Fucking chances...

"I need you to stay by my side," he continued, dropping his gaze ever so slightly from my eyes to the bridge of my nose, "There aren't many people left who have seen me at my worst."

"That's what your problem is?" I argued, "You want to use me as a buffer so you won't have to open up to anyone else?" I was about to turn away again when he caught me by the shoulders.

"That's not it," he stated firmly, "This cause needs you. You're a fresh perspective. We wouldn't have gotten that confirmation from Sanez without your help."

"You're a clever bunch. You would have come up with something else," I argued. He released me, crossed his arm, and looked down as he pinched the bridge of his nose, deep in thought. He was honestly trying to appeal to me. The morning sunshine casted long shadows across his form, darkening his face hidden behind his hair.

"Alright, I get it," he mumbled, then looked back up at me, "You had an objection that I ignored. I'm sorry." I softened my expression and held my arm.

"It's not alright," I said. He frowned.

"Why not?"

"Your method of convincing Historia was wrong."

"How so? Got the job done, didn't it?"

"You're right, but in this case, the end doesn't justify the means." I walked past him and reclaimed my tea. "Pain is the swiftest conditioner, because it is an innate reflex to abscond from pain once it is learned, and runs the most direct neuronal path to the brain. However, subjecting a young human mind to such conditioning can be detrimental in the long term." I looked back at him to check his expression. He seemed to be quietly listening, so I continued. "Pain initially creates instinctive responses. It's evolutionarily beneficial. But in combination with the human psyche, it becomes inhibitive, and stifles our abilities to move forward. You have some painful memories you've suppressed. I'm sure of it." He was looking away, his brows furrowed in thought.

"I hope you have a convincing point that isn't counterproductive, Bel. We don't have the luxury of preparing that far into the future..." I leaned over and blew on his exposed neck, making him jump away. He clasped a hand to it. "The fuck was that, Officer Halitosis?" I smiled playfully at him.

"What do all mammals have in common, Levi?"

“They all shit.”

“Not quite. Birds and reptiles shit, too.  Try again.”

"Tch, I don't know, nipples?" he murmured childishly as he put one hand on his hip and rubbed his neck with the other. I laughed heartily.

"That's true! But what kind of idle mannerisms do we all share? Horses, cat, dogs!" Instead of snapping at me to get to the point, he deliberated for a while. I finished nearly half the tea.

"They all fuck with each other," He said with a snap of his fingers.

"Yes!" I squealed as I grabbed his hand and jumped up and down, "Play! All mammals play! It's because the creativity associated with play is mentally stimulating and can help the individual creatively think around a life threatening situation! Our brains are at their best when we're playing!"

"Uh... huh..." he stared at me with a neutral expression. I calmed down.

"Even though they've been through a lot... the cadets are still children. They may be forced to be adults, but their minds are still childish. When dealing with them, reward will benefit them more than pain, and I'm sure..." I caressed his hand gently and turned my head towards him. The sun was now over the horizon and warming our cheeks, "Nothing will make them happier than encouraging words and acknowledgement from their beloved Captain."

"Please. Beloved?" he scoffed with a flip of his hair, yet he allowed me to continue holding his hand.

"They'll eventually grow to adore you, Levi. Even Mikasa."

"That brat always smirks whenever someone says something that makes me want to kick them in the nuts!" I couldn't help but laugh.

"They'll still adore you, nonetheless," I said, noticing a flock of birds flying into the trees, "And they've grown on you as well, haven't they?"

"Too soon," he said, getting up and retrieving my nearly empty teacup. "I can't make any promises, but I'll keep everything you said in mind, and also..." he wiped the edge of the cup and finished it, "... teach me some more of that... when we have time. Alright?" I blinked, nearly floored by the fact that he just drank from my cup. He wiped it off, but it was still mine and unwashed nonetheless. "Well?" he said, as he licked his lips and contemplated the taste.

"Y-yeah, of course. I'll share anything you want to know."

"Good," he started for the stairs and motioned for me to follow, "One more thing."

"Yes?" I replied as we walked down the dark circular staircase.

"You're not just a fresh perspective to the Scouts. You do that for me, too."

"Sir?"

"Tch, how many times to I have to tell you?" He gently bopped my head with the heel of his palm. "Levi!"

I giggled and tripped, forcing me to stop and brace myself against the wall, "I'm sorry! Levi! It’s a habit!"

"Ugh..." he grunted and led me down by the wrist, "We're similar. It's nice that someone like me... made it this far... and is well..." He meant to give condolence to my mother... my chest warmed at his intention.

I could barely make out the back of his head from the dim light below. It was impossible to read his face. He must have done that on purpose. I shook my wrist free and rose it to his opposite shoulder, giving him a gentle squeeze.

"I'm glad, too. Let's keep it that way, yeah?"

He didn’t flinch, but appeared to just stare at my hand.

"... yeah."

 

* * *

 

As we rode out together on our horses, the team was uneasy. Not only were we going to hand over Eren and Historia to the central brigade, but my team and I were to reconnect with Leo and get some inside intel, granted that Leo was still on our side...

But I was sure the heaviest weight came from the Commander's order to capture Rod Reiss, Historia's biological father. The point of this operation was to overthrow the kingdom's current ruler for good.

We came to a fork in the road, where my team and I were to branch off. I hesitated a moment, then turned to Levi and his squad. "Be safe, everybody." A few solemn nods bobbed in my direction. Levi came over and leaned me towards him by the head. I might have known what he really wanted to say, but knowing him, he was more likely to keep it to himself.

"Stay alive, Kitten." His visage was kind. I reached behind him and pulled his hood over his head to hide our closing in faces.

"Come home safe, Levi." I lightly brushed his hair from his forehead, and turned to leave with my squad.

 

* * *

 

"The security's unnaturally heavy," I said back to my teammates, "Fold your wings." With small nods of agreement, each of us flipped our cloaks to create the illusion of more inconspicuous garb. Anticipating that Leo himself would also be under close watch and heeding his warnings from a few days prior, we decided against calling his bird and prioritized finding him the old fashioned way.

"We're running circles here," Simone complained as we rode through the capitol streets.

"Don't you know any way through?" Johannes inferred, "Did Leo give you any more information about this place?"

I racked my brain for the memories. "There's a uniform closet in that building," I said, nodding my head towards the same building Leo and I had ransacked for underground information before.

"We're going to split up," I announced, "Search for weaknesses in the patrol. No ODM." Each of them nodded and departed.

"The Commander has been arrested!" Simone pulled me behind a building some time after we split up and whispered urgently. My eyes widened.

"What? Are you sure?!"

"I saw it with my own eyes!"

"Where's Johan?"

"He's coming."

"Hey," Johannes leapt down from the roof and handed me a piece of paper, "You need to see this."

It was a wanted poster of Levi. My heart stopped. I crumpled it up and shoved it in my pocket. "We have to pick up the pace. No more deliberating. We rush the southeastern wing head on and make a break for the supply room. Take no lives. Remove and hide the gear," I ordered.

"Umm, Bel?" Johannes began, "I understand things are getting rough, but-"

"Our Captain's in danger, as well as his squad of cadets. Anything else you have to complain about?"

"No, Ma'am."

"On my six, then. Both of you."

"Take it easy, Johan." Simone whispered behind me, "We know what's really at work here."

I shot them a glare, "Enough of your incessant babbling. There are children at risk here. Now be the soldiers you are and toughen the fuck up."

"Ma'am..." Simone affirmed sarcastically.

After hiding our ODM within a nearby bush, we infiltrated the building and acquired the uniforms.

"Continue making efforts not to be seen," I whispered, "They may be keeping better track of their soldiers now."

We came across the dispatch office and searched for Leo's latest assignment.

"There's nothing here," Simone complained as she sifted through the papers.

"Keep looking, " I said.

"Movement in the hall," Johannes warned.

"Fuck," I mouthed just before coming across a document noting a couple of Leo's squad members.

"Leo's squad had a hand in the Reeve's company murders. They're now underground!" I announced lowly as I opened the window, "Let's go."

We retrieved our gear and found the small hole in the corner of the park from our last mission. The underground was hauntingly still.

"Bel, I don't think-" Simone was about to protest.

"Shh." I hushed, sidling myself along the wall. The city was dark. The only torchlight to be seen was along the main stairwells.

"Is this a lockdown?" Johannes questioned.

"No... " I surmised, "There's been an evacuation."

"How do you know?" Simone asked.

"Last time we were here," I began to explain, "We were run over by araged civilians, and armed hitmen, remember?"

"Yeh," Johan nodded, "What of it?"

"Do you really think they rushed out, just for us?"

"You're right. We didn't raise that much hell," Simone acknowledged.

Gunshot.

Johannes jumped in front of me.

I judged the sound by its volume and echo.

"An execution! Quick!" I ordered as we readied our ODM gear. It was a dangerous decision to make in the dark, but something didn't feel right as we came across an illuminated square, far into the corner of the city. Judging from how much distance we had covered, we were well near the edge of Wall Sina's northern Orvud District. Making use of the dim luminance, I signaled to my comrades behind me to land.

The square was filled with people.

Citizens in chains.

Before them was an immense gallows, a guillotine, and the man responsible for it all:

My father.

I led my team to a rooftop with a chimney, to which we hid behind.

"Bring in the next line of prisoners!" A man, presumed to be second in command shouted. A headless body was rolled off the stage and collected by a team of two other men. Nooses were replaced.

"We will continue until someone comes forward with information regarding the murder of our dear, dear Judas," the man continued, "Or someone willingly volunteers to take his place and join the _Bestiarii_." Johan gasped and began to tremble.

"I'll excuse you from this mission, Johan," I said as reached back to lay a hand upon his knee without letting my eyes leave the scene.

"No. I'm staying," he replied, although he continued to shake.

"Here, have some booze," offered Simone as she handed him a flask. He graciously took it and downed the whole thing, much to Simone's chagrin.

"Dude..." she whined.

"Shut up!" I commanded in a harsh whisper. A row of five prisoners was brought to the gallows, including men, women, and children. My father walked up and down the line, then selected a victim to be led to the guillotine. I caught sight of the line of people who were to be next.

Leo and his comrades.

"We're going to fight." I ordered.

"Are you crazy?! We're going to lose!" Simone argued. Johannes shook the flask, intent on swallowing every last drop.

"We're going to execute, him," I said, pointing to my father, "but first, we're taking out the perimeter. Just like before."

"That's not a good idea, Bel," Johan interjected, "We're severely outnumbered, and it's too dark."

"Use it to your advantage," I commanded firmly, "Once the surveillance guard is down, go straight to rescuing Leo and his squad. When you get there, order them to free the civilians and fight off the rest of the actives."

"And where will you be?" questioned Simone.

"I'll be climbing that bell tower," I said, pointing to the large church behind the square, "When you two close in, I'll load a radial smoke round and provide you two the cover to free Leo's company." I counted the number of soldiers around Leo. "They'll bring our numbers to at least eight. Don't be surprised if the civilians join the fight once you free them."

The gallows' floors collapsed, and the guillotine fell. I recognized the golden hair of the little girl I saved in Stohess. I clenched my fists.

"Bel..." Simone complained through gritted teeth. I tossed her my flare.

"Alright. You climb the tower. I have steam to blow." I readied my gear.

"I'm ready when you are," said Johannes.

"Me, too." contented Simone.

"Go."

We each took off in our directions. Spotting a man pacing with a rifle below, I jumped down and strangled him until he passed out, then collected his rifle. The majority of the members must be preoccupied with watching the civilians. I took down three more before reaching the church rendezvous, where I met Johannes. Simone had already started scaling the far side of the brick tower, hidden from view.

"Retrace behind me, just in case, and stop above the tailor shop." With a nod, he raced behind me. I continued to the equidistant position, which coincidentally happened to be nearest to the guillotine.

Leo was chosen for it.

I looked above.

Simone had yet to make it.

His head was placed within the bloodied cradle.

The blade continued to rise.

 Our time was up!

As the rope was released and the bloodstained steel plummeted back into place, I took aim and threw twin ODM blades in its place.

The guillotine stopped.

The convicts took aim and fired.

I jumped for my life and took shelter behind a barricade. The smoke fell and I went straight to releasing Leo. I couldn't get him free without cutting my hand.

"Bel!" he cried out in surprise, "How'd you find us?!"

"Your security sucks," I yelled as I braced myself for the pain and flipped the lunette, "Hurry, free your friends and clean house!" I tossed him a knife and assisted in picking the chained locks. "Here, it's loaded and ready to fire!" I shouted as I handed the rifles to terrified citizens, "Fear is a four letter word! Face Everything And Rise!" I screamed. Their eyes changed as they leapt into the fray.

"Viva la Guillotina!" the soldiers shouted. I ran up the wall and rappelled back onto the rooftop, searching for my target, whom was boarding a carriage and taking off into the darkness. I took out my pistol and fired, but missed as the carriage rounded the corner of the square.

"Johan! Simone! On my four and seven!" I ordered as I took chase. I confirmed the sound of ODM behind me and pressed on.

The darkness made pursuit nearly impossible, as we relied only on the sounds of the horses and remained high near the ceiling to ensure our grapples had something to reach onto. I reached into my pocket, procured a prototype pyrotechnic signaling device, and lit it up. The faint, but visible crackles of light struggled to burn against our wind trajectory.

"Simone!" I shouted, holding out the small fuse, "Toss my signal flare!" I prepared my swing for the catch as the wooden hilt landed into my bloodied hand. As I reached the peak of my last swing, I loaded a powdery mixture into my gun and aimed into the audial path of the carriage.

"Drop!" I ordered as I fired the stream of smoky red light into the darkness, ending into a crumbling wall and illuminating the extravagant carriage. I took aim for the roof of the carriage and latched my grapple. My teammates followed and the carriage entered what appeared to be a mineshaft.

Perfect.

I initiated my second claw into the hardened dirt wall and stopped the carriage. The drag on my feet caused my knees to lock and crack. Pain surged through my legs. Johannes took my lead and anchored the carriage from the opposite side.

It was stuck.

I lit another fuse and threw it into the ceiling near the roof of the carriage to illuminate the cave.

"Simone! Go!"

"On it!" She cried as she crashed through the back window and struggled against the criminals. Just as the carriage made a complete stop, Johannes and I went to her aid. "The leader's getting away!" She yelled as she sliced the groin of an enemy. Johan pushed me through the window. One of the straps to my gear was cut in the process. I winced at the pain that traversed my upper thigh and sprinted.

The tunnel opened up into a large building, where an ambush was waiting.

"Hey there, Snowbelle!" Maura called out as I received a swift kick to the jaw. I unsheathed my blades and proceeded to fight. "Watch out! There's an ambush!" I warned my teammates. I was joined by Johannes and Simone, with Leo and his team following shortly after. I wildly made my way towards my escaping father, who had run to a door in the opposite corner of the room.

Suddenly, the room began to shake. Wooden boards from the ceiling began to fall. Looking away from my prey, I turned around to aid my teammates escape.

"There's an exit over there! Go!" I commanded as my teammates ran past me. After kicking a nearby support beam down upon my enemies, I joined my friends in their escape.

We ran from what could easily have been a mile. Noticing Simone's fatigue, I used the last of my gear's wire to weave a barbed trap and loaded a prototype titan muzzle to close the gaps. Leo and Johannes hung back to ensure my coming.

"I'm good! Hurry!" I shooed as we continued our desperate climb.

"I have important information to share just in case we don't make it!" Johan shouted without as much as suffering a breath. His once timid voice echoed the dimly torched cavern.

"Spill it!" Leo insisted.

"I ran into one of my older brothers! The Bestiarii knew about the Reiss Family and are planning to assassinate Historia! Agents of the noble class are to go through with it!" Johannes shouted as we neared what appeared to be the exit. The steel-framed egress, formerly welded shut, had a small enough opening to jump through. Footsteps could be heard from within, revealing our pursuers' prevail of my barbed netting. I rushed my teammates through first, then went to pulling myself through.

Another profound shaking.

My hips got stuck. Gunshots resounded from outside.

"Bel!" Leo yelled in a panic as he was about to rush back for me.

"Go!" I ordered.

"I'm not leaving you!" He stopped before me and went to lifting the beams, but to no avail.

"You need to protect the queen!" I protested, "The information we have is much more important than my life! Nearly the whole nobility was in on this! Our uprising is in jeopardy!" He took out a knife and was about to slice his chest.

"Don't you dare do that, you idiot! You'll collapse the whole cave!"

"I can save you!"

"And sacrifice the others? Hell no!" I took out my pistol and aimed it to him, "Go! Leo! Leave me the fuck behind!"

"Shoot me, I don't care," he complained. The ground continued to shake. The beam fell heavier upon me. I tucked myself back into the building before it crushed me.

"Do me a favor, Leo," I ordered. He pressed himself against the steel beams and began striking against it. "Knock it off so you can hear me, asshole!"

He stopped, "I'm not gonna transmit your deathwish, Bel! If anything, I'm gonna tell Gustav that it was you who spread cat dander all over his office!"

A trembling smile forced its way upon my face as tears began to permeate my senses. I slid my back down the cold steel, "Tell Levi..."

"The fuck I'm gonna tell that midget anything!" he screamed, "You tell him you're hot for him yourself! I'm not gonna say a fucking word!"

"On second thought... Don't tell Levi anything."

There was suddenly silence. I wiped my eyes, stood up, and dropped my gear. I discharged my weapons as well, and kicked my equipment out in front of me.

I took a deep breath, and rose my hands in surrender as the snide faces connived upon me.

"Hello, ladies," I said bravely. My childhood friends flanked and held me down, wearing disgustingly smug expressions grossly exaggerated by their intricate make up jobs. Jane pulled down my neckline with the end of her fan.

"Whoopsie, left you a parting gift!" she sneered as she pulled my collar lower.

"Uh uh honey, that's not gonna work," Maura said, waving a finger, "We'll get you a nice corset later."

"She doesn't need a corset!" Jane shrilled as she poked my chest with her fan. "A rack like this is gonna sell itself..."


	37. The Words

I lost track of the days, and grew tired of contemplating the room and trying to make a sensible escape plan. I would prefer the Capitol prison over this shithole any day. I had been left starving for who knows how long. They were trying to break me, I knew it, but I was prepared to die there. I started singing my brother's song. The foreign tongue comforted me. The coincidence that Levi chose the melody comforted me too...

Until the door to my prison was finally opened. An older woman with a cane, possibly in her fifties, walked in, followed by Jane and Maura.

"My name is Madame Defarge," she said eerily as she approached me, "My girls have told me a lot about you." She knelt down and lifted my chin with what appeared to be a crochet needle, "We'll have to grow out your hair. Such an unsightly length is unfitting of a proper lady..." she crooned. I was too tired to respond. "We can cover her scarred neck with lace, and her thigh with a nice garter..." She said before getting back up and returning to the door. "Prepare her for the ceremony." She ordered over her shoulder. The two Wallflowers giggled gleefully and dragged me into another room, where I was stripped of my uniform, my pride, and pushed into a shabby wooden chair.

"Please don't... ruin my shirt..." I pleaded as my only request.

"What? This ugly thing?" said Jane disgustedly as she tossed it into a bin. I frowned as my last memory disappeared from my sight.

"What color for her...?" Maura  mused as she rummaged through a large wooden chest in the opposite corner of the room.

"Doesn't matter," said Jane as she tied my ankles to the legs of the chair.

I suddenly wished I were Johannes, so I could die instantly if I chose.

After fitting me into risqué garments, a tray was placed over the arms of the chair.

"Eat up," Maura ordered. I was given a roll of bread, a cup of what looked like broth, and a small plate of dehydrated fruit. I remained still.

"C'mon!" Jane complained, "Would you really rather die?"

I glowered my eyes, "Yes."

A bell rang, followed by the closing of a door.

Then there were footsteps.

"Well?" Maura said irritatedly to Jane, "Go see our customer." With a reluctant jerk, Jane left the room. The walls were thin enough to hear their exchange.

"Good evening, Monsieur," she chimed in an uncharacteristically high pitch, "How can I be of service?"

Maura procured her bladed fan and aimed it at my neck, "Look here, Snowbelle. If you choose death over working with us, you're going to suffer..." she roughly tilted my head back and made a quick swipe. I tensed, as the painful sting grew in magnitude, "... and I won't have enough pity to make skipping out on us quick and easy for you..."

"I'm here to buy a girl," said the client.

Levi.

I was given a ceramic plate.

I could fight back.

"Alright," I surrendered, "I'll eat..." I smiled eagerly, "I like the voice of that man." She backed off and took a seat upon the chest.

"So you finally came around..." she gleaned with a victorious grin.

I tore off a piece of bread and dipped it into the cup, whistling his song as I did so.

"Silently." she spat.

I complied. That was enough.

As her head was turned, I slipped the small plate into my garter.

"Time for your initiation into the Wallflowers," she announced as she grabbed me by the lace on my neck and led me out.

There he was, with a hood drawn over his eyes. When our gazes met as I entered the room, they darkened with fury.

"This way, Master..." Maura crooned as she pushed me towards another room and looped her elbow around his arm.

He immediately procured a blade and slashed at her.

"Don't touch me with your filthy hands," he spat darkly, "I could get dirty."

I took the opportunity to fling the plate at Jane's head, but missed.

Jane laughed maniacally, "Aww! You'd raise a hand to a woman, Little Man?" She readied her fan and took a stance. Maura recovered and did the same.

"You disgusting broods aren't women," he castigated menacingly before rushing forward to separate me from them.

I got dizzy and stumbled against the doorway, where I witnessed Levi single handedly murder the femme fatales.

I wasn't afraid.

He was wearing the darkest expression I had ever seen on him, but I wasn't afraid.

His presence made me feel safe.

Without pausing to clean his blades, he walked over to me. I reached for him and fell into his arms.

"Levi..." I cried as I buried into him, "Where's Leo?"

"Up persecuting the noble assholes and personally supervising the camps." He pulled me back and looked me over, searching for wounds, then grabbed a fistful of lace at my thigh. The sudden adrenaline rush must have aggrevated my wound, because fresh blood began to stain the delicate fabric.

"Fuck Bel... what have they done to you..." he mumbled rhetorically, "Where's your stuff?" I pointed to the previous room and he scooped me up. "Good. You're not leaving here in that." I directed him towards the chest. "Is there anyone else here?"

"The Madame, as far as I know."

"Alright," he turned me around and sliced open the lacing. I reached into the bin and pulled on my shirt. He helped me slip into my pants and reached further into the bin as he steadied me with his other hand on my hip. "Here's your important stuff..." he said as he dropped a small satchel containing my notebook and switchblade into my hands, "... and your... ODM..." his tone dropped in disappointment.

"What is it?" I asked as I kneeled down. Footsteps and a cane resounded from down the hall.

"We're leaving it." He said as he threw me over his shoulder and jumped out the window.

"Wait! It's my prototype! I-" I held on tight as he triggered the gas and made a beeline for the citadel.

"Erwin has a copy of the plans, doesn't he?" he shouted against the winds, "You can rebuild it. I know you can." I merely nodded against his neck and stayed silent for the rest of the ride home as he debriefed me on the current state of affairs, including how Leo "threatened" him into coming to save me as fast as he could, or else he'd spread rumors that he stunted his growth with steroid hormones. I couldn't help but smile.

When we arrived, I immediately washed up and went to Hange, who suffered a gunshot wound to the soldier. I had trained the other medics well, as they had done an excellent job stitching her up. I then proceeded to eat three days’ worth of food and passed out on my bed shortly after.

 

* * *

 

That night, I had resurgent memories of my father. I woke up screaming. My body was trembling. I buried my face into my hands and jolted back up at the sound of my door being flung open.

"Bel!" a worried Levi called out to me, "What was that?" He frantically looked about the room. A knife was in his hand. "Who was here?"

"No one..." I replied.

He continued searching. "A nightmare, then?"

"Perhaps..." I admitted, "Sorry for... waking you up." I apologized.

"I wasn't sleeping," he said, closing the shutter and lighting a candle.

"At this hour? Really?" I asked.

He spun my vanity chair around and took a seat, "Really," he droned, "Who are you, my mother?" I shied beneath my hair, imagining how Levi must have been as a child.

"Props to your mother for being able to deal with you as an actual baby..." I muttered.

"I don't know what you're talking about." He crossed his legs and leaned back into the chair. "I was a model fucking child." A smirk.

"You're... gonna stay? I'm alright, no one's gonna come in here, and I promise I'll be qui-"

"Shut up..." he groaned, "I'm gonna stay here until you're settled, whether you complain or not." He reached back and placed his knife atop the vanity. "Now go the fuck to sleep."

"Umm... Levi?"

"I'm not gonna tuck you in," he snapped. I released a light laugh and lowered myself back into bed, twisting my body in a sensuous manner and playfully running a hand through my hair.

"I was going to ask for a goodnight kiss, Captain."

He riveted me. His stare turned into knit brows and pursed lips.

He then got up and walked over to me, pokerfaced, and leaned over me as he supported himself on the headboard. I squealed and rolled into a ball.

"W-wait! I was kidding! S-stop!" I stuttered, a pronounced blush emerging from every square inch of my body. He rolled me back over with his free hand.

"Wait? Stop? Which is it?" he teased just before jamming his fingers into my sides.

"Eek!" I squealed and curled up again.

"Alright, where is it?" he teased sadistically as he continued to twitch his fingers up and down my sides, "Where's the spot?"

"You'll never find it!" I protested, jumping up and down as he chased me all over the room. He then caught me midair, threw me back onto the bed, and found the spot where I was most ticklish. I giggled uncontrollably as I caught glimpses of a smug smile of victory growing upon his face through my moistened, laughter-teared eyes.

"Gotcha," he said playfully as he continued his torture.

"P-please! Stop! I can't! Take anymore! Levi!" I whined through helpless giggles.

"Do you surrender?" he asked. His movements had slowed, but I was still trapped in his hysteria.

"Yes!" I cried, "I'll stop!"

"Good." He released me and I took a few more giggles to finally calm down and steady my breathing. When I eased myself back into bed, he was reclining with his arms and legs crossed, staring at the wall where I had pinned up some of my sketches and ideas.

"Umm..." I began.

He made a claw of his hand and threatened me, "Initiating your first counterattack, rookie?"

I curled up defensively. "N-no! I was just gonna say I can't sleep with you staring at me and..."

"What?"

"... I can't sleep with the candle shining on me."

He huffed lightly and redirected the candlelight. "Who's high maintenance now?" he joked as he got up and started towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Just gonna grab the shitload I've gotta do, since you're a picky fucking sleeper," he mocked.

"Alright, but don't mess with my stuff..." I yawned, before drifting off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

* * *

 

'Aug!' my brother cried out as I playfully poked at the moles that showed even through his white t-shirt. Giggling innocently, I was swept across his lap, where he returned the gesture and began tickling me until my laughing caught my mother's attention.

'Beau!' she scolded, grabbing him by the collar and dragging us both inside. He grabbed the guitar just before she shut the door, 'What are you doing keeping Bel outside? You're supposed to help me!'

He blew playfully on my stomach, making the trumpeting sound that both tickled me and sounded hilarious, before setting me down, 'Sorry, Ma.' I grabbed his leg.

'Sorry won't make kidnappers change their minds and return her! Be a man!' she disciplined with a light smack to his forehead.

'Mommy, it's my fault!' I admitted, 'Beau was playing my favorite song all sloppy, so I went to stop it!' She bent down and pinched my cheek.

'That was for not following the rules,' she stated firmly, 'Haven't I told you what scary bad men do to cute and pretty little girls like you? Remember, aside from your brother, all men are-'

 

* * *

 

* * *

 

My eyes shot open from my dream.

"So ist es immer, unser Licht ist nur das..." A deep, melodic voice sang softly in a hollow, nostalgic, echo. "Trinken und singen wir, begrüßen morgen..."

Next to me was a profound warmth. A hand was atop my head, and my arms were around...

... Levi.

I squealed and frantically pushed off of him, sending my ass clumsily onto the ground. He looked over at me puzzled. He had a small collection of papers spread across the bed.

"Now you're surprised?" he rose a brow and complained, "You force me into being your pillow and you're the one squealing?"

I got up frantically and straightened out my clothes. "You squealed?"

"I'm surprised it didn't wake you up." I stared at him blankly. He chuckled. "Just kidding. I was just gasping for air."

I was suddenly ridden with guilt. "Why? What did I do?!"

He stretched out the arm I was laying on. "You started moaning, then when I went to check on you, turned out you were crying, something about your brother. I tried to wake you, but you were completely out. Then you grabbed and nearly choked me out like a fucking snare. I've never seen you move so fast." He scooped up his papers, put them aside, then leaned over to retrieve his boots. "Then you started crying out my name and pulled me in. You sure you weren't awake? You weren't just fucking with me?" He tightened the drawstrings. "I'm flattered, nonetheless."

"I... I wasn't..." I shyly fiddled with my hands. "I don't think I've ever done anything like that in my sleep before, either..." I dropped my face into my hand. "I am so sorry, Levi."

"It's fine..." he groaned, "After that and I hummed his song a bit, you stayed still and quiet, like a good little passed out drunk."

I rolled my eyes, then covered my mouth with a hand as I contemplated his voice, and how it sang solely to calm me. I shivered and gathered my courage. He stood up and picked up his papers.

"Umm..." I began, "You have... an amazing singing voice..."

"You should get ready," he said, "Erwin's catching up with some business he's had to put aside. Your promotion's one of them." He opened my door. "Try to look at least half decent," he teased. I guess he wasn't going to comment on my compliment.

"I can't make any promises..." I said. We exchanged small smiles, then he left. His ears appeared to have a tinge of rose, but perhaps it was my imagination. I gathered my uniform and went a couple steps down the hall to my semi-private bathroom. Semi-private, because there were several other bathrooms located closer to the more occupied rooms and most people used those. I propped a chair beneath the door handle, just in case, and turned on the water. I figured out the rhythm of a song to think about to accurately time my showering routine. It was a song Cinnie once sang to Gabriel's piano playing. The time I heard it, it was merely a beautiful melody. The words never meant so much to me as they did now. After hearing Levi sing, I felt the urge, too.


	38. Might As Well Face It

A small ceremony was to be held in one of the grand conference rooms for our fallen comrades since the fifty-seventh, followed by a state-of-affairs meeting and closing with rank promotions. I had finished getting ready rather early, so I mingled with the other troops while we awaited Commander Erwin's arrival. As the group I was talking to branched out, I took a seat upon one of the sofas that lined the room. The atmosphere was wonderful. The entire hall was full of comrades and friends celebrating, not somberly mourning, their loved ones passed and the beginning of the new face of the Scouting Legion. I saw some senior members laughing together. I saw some junior members joking around. I saw the recruits poking fun at each other...

I saw Levi, who caught me in the corner of his eye as he listened to one of Hange's long-winded expositions...

And suddenly, the room seemed to disappear. The rays of the morning sun trickled upon his sleek ebon hair and skin like a gentle dawning mist. The corner of his lips rose ever so slightly as I managed a small wave from where I was.

He was beautiful. I was able to finally admit it to myself. I'd never seen a more stunning man in my entire life...

I should tell him.

His lashes swept in a flutter of a blink as he turned his attention back to my good friend, like a butterfly effortlessly riding the wind.

I think I'll tell him.

"Go for it."

"Wah! Simone!" My comrade was suddenly seated beside me.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" she said, motioning towards the Captain. "Go make him your buff little make-out buddy."

"I couldn't do that to him..." I sighed, not letting my line of sight leave his form, "He's arguably the most important man in the whole military. Besides..." I leaned back with a tinge of regret. "... his heart belongs to humanity. It'd be selfish of me to try and keep it to myself..."

"You talking about his heart or yours?"

"Huh?"

"Ah, Team Leader Vanteon," said the man we'd been waiting for as he made his sudden appearance between me and my paramour.

"Ah, Commander!" I stood up and hastily saluted him.

"Thank you," he replied, "Please return to your seat."

"Yes, Sir." I replied. He then plopped right down beside me, throwing his arm behind me to rest upon the back of the sofa. I must have bounced at least an inch into the air with the offsetting of his weight. Even with a lost arm, the man was still pretty hefty.

"Before we get to formalities, I want to personally thank you, again, for everything you've done for the Scouting Legion, in the very little time you've spent with us. You possess a very remarkable set of skills, and I am thrilled you're on our side." His words heavily saturated the air, making it plain that he was used to speaking quite loudly before large crowds of people. The tone of his voice itself was worthy of leading.

"The pleasure's all mine, Commander," I said stiffly, leaning forward a bit to relieve contact from his arm. "My dream of serving the Scouts was long overdue."

"I see," he said sincerely. Unlike the distant expression he usually wore, as if staring off into the future’s beyond itself, his visage was very kind and soft. "I also wish to apologize for... my behavior on the front."

"You're a fiercely devoted man of principle, Commander. I should be the one apologizing for deterring you from our goal," I said.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, Sir. I understand the value very well, and respect your decisions."

He then rested his hand upon my knee and leaned towards me. "You have my deepest respects, Bel Vanteon."

I was a little off put by his contact and cringed slightly, but answered confidently, "Thank you, Commander."

"Please, call me Erwin-"

"Hey. Erwin." We both looked to Levi, who was suddenly before us. The Commander instantly dropped his hand. "Stop flirting with our new officer and start the meeting. You're keeping everyone waiting." He seemed more ticked off than usual...

"Just paying my respects to this wonderful soldier, Levi, whom saved my life not once, but twice and has instilled within me a debt I may never be able to repay," He said as he stood up, "She reminds me of..." He stopped for a moment and gazed up into the air, breathing in a deep sigh before fearlessly looking the Captain straight in the eye. "Marie." The furrow in Levi's brow deepened at the mention of the name.

Then he was absolutely livid. His eyes darkened like clotting blood.

"You've saved my life before, too, Commander," I acknowledged, trying to levy the uncomfortable atmosphere.

Levi curled his lip in disgust. "More like he's the one who caused you to get eaten. Twice," He grumbled curtly.

"Well then. Let's get started," he said as his loose sleeve brushed aside the steamily mad Captain and made his way to the head of the conference table, causing the rest of the room to instantly shift to his attention with merely his purposeful stride. Before I could get up and join my team at the conference table, Levi had grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down.

"Stay here," he ordered as he threw an arm over my opposite side and elegantly crossed his legs.

"U-umm-"

"No complaining," he said bluntly as he gave my shoulder a firm squeeze and turned away. "Just..." I could see his usually pale skin take on a light, incarnadine hue.

"Stay?"

He looked back at me, his eyes slightly wide. "... Yeah..."

I leaned back into his arm and crossed my legs opposite of he. "Yes, Sir," I obeyed with a warm smile as the Commander began his speech.

 

* * *

 

I hardly heard a word he said.

All I could think about was the beating heart beside me.

The gentle rise and fall of his chest.

The musculature of his arm I could feel even through the supple denim of his uniform.

The scent.

That wonderful scent I couldn't get out of my head ever since he saved me from those titans that stormy morning.

I could have cared less about the world of all humanity being on its brink, about our plan to confront and fight our shifter enemies once and for all.

Hell, the colossal titan could have been coming up on HQ that very moment.

And I wouldn't have cared.

My world was at peace.

He whispered softly into my ear.

"Hm?" I leaned my head into him for sake of better hearing.

"I helped Erwin shave the other day."

"Uh... why are you telling me of such intimate moments with the Commander...?" I whispered back.

"Remember when you smacked him for being an asshole?"

"I... uh..." I replied timidly.

"I smacked him too. With aftershave."

I frowned a bit. "Why...? Why the sudden beef with the Commander, Levi?"

He lifted his forearm and gently twirled my ribbon about his finger. "I... don't really know..."

I closely observed his face as he looked across to the Commander, still absent-mindedly playing with my hair. His eyes seemed clouded, as if the serene blue left the sky for the day and was replaced with troubled clouds.

I didn't like it.

"I... hope you get on better terms soon..." I whispered as I slowly tuned back into the matters at hand, "Even I can understand how close you two are... It's a special kind of... love." He remained silent and unchanged, save for the slight tensing of his jaw as I hit the mark. "The same way you hate nothing more than pointless deaths, Levi, there's nothing I hate more than seeing love die, especially when it deserves to be alive. Your relationship with the Commander is precious."

He froze.

Then dropped his arm and shifted away from me, yet close enough to smack the back of my head with merely a flick of his wrist for exposing him if he so wished to.

I think he did, but I had nothing to regret.

 

* * *

 

"... and that concludes the briefing," Commander Erwin concluded to the group of squad and team leaders. The meeting was coming to an end, and I had left Levi's side to take my place amongst the others. "Bel, you've been officially promoted in rank as a result of Avogadro's passing blessing. I know you've only been with us a short time, but I expect no less of you than I do the others."

"Thank you, Commander."

"Now, let me ask you this once more." He sternly studied my face as he held his hand behind his back and affirmed his commanding stance. "Offer up your heart! Team Leader Vanteon!"

"Yes, Sir!" I shouted as I dutifully shifted into the most assertive salute I could muster. "I prefer the title Medical Officer, though, Commander Erwin!"

"Very well. I appreciate it," he affirmed with a salute. The other heads followed. "Everyone's dismissed!" We began to trail out of the room with Levi coming last. "Levi," the Commander interrupted, "Hang back a second." He closed the door, cutting me off from their following conversation.

"What is it, Erwin," Levi stated no-nonsensically. I pictured him with his arms crossed or a fist on his hip, leaned slightly to his right.

"You and Vanteon have been rather cozy lately." The Commander stated.

"Been spying on us? You creep." Levi retorted. "Sorry for not giving you a spicier show, but it means nothing to me." I almost audibly gasped as the verbal dagger ripped my heart.

"You like to think that you're immune to the stuff, huh, Levi?" The man questioned.

"Are you fucking high on painkillers?" he snarked, "Am I gonna have to confiscate the shit before you get yourself addicted?"

"I could say the same thing to you," he forebode darkly, "I know you, Levi. You're not yourself anymore."

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"You know, your mind's not your own, you shake, your pulse races when you're standing still. You haven't been sleeping and you haven't been eating."

"I've been eating and sleeping just fine. I've just been sick or something lately, Mother. It'll pass."

"You see all the signs, but you refuse to read them: you're in love, Levi!" The Commander had risen his voice. I leaned into the crack of the doorway.

"Bullshit."

Erwin sighed. He must have had his only hand glued to his face. "Levi, you think I don't know what it feels like?"

"I know you do," he retorted, "But I sure as hell don't."

"This is serious, Levi. I can't have you distracted and performing any lower than the best of your ability. We have an extremely important operation coming up."

"Tch. I know that. I've never given my troops less than all my dedication, and I won't fail now just because I have shit buildup or something."

"What you don't know and refuse to admit, is you're in serious danger."

"The fuck I a-"

"Listen! If you keep this up, I will be forced to decide which of you to sacrifice to ensure the most beneficial outcome of this expedition. Since you are by far the most powerful soldier in our league, you will leave me with no choice but to return Medical Officer Vanteon to the Military Poli-"

"You better fucking not!" Levi's outburst seemed to shock all three of us, as the interior of the room remained quiet for several seconds. "I mean, she professionally trained all Nietzsche’s troops, and a good number of them remained! We saved a lot of wounded last time! She's valuable!"

"Preventing injury is the first step, Levi. You know that," Commander Erwin finally spoke in a tone uncharacteristically professional in relation to the subject, "Face it, Levi, and do what has to be done. That's an order. If this is a fling, end it. If this is real, you have a month to sort it out."

There was an angry grunt, then the door flew open in my face. I clenched my voice as I caught the handle, forbid I made a single sound, and cautiously peeked around the door. Stomping swiftly down the opposite end of the hall was a disgruntled mess of a man, whose caved shoulders triggered my instinctive impulse to run to their aid and soothe them. Mid-step, I realized that I had been ordered to my assignments quite a while ago and disrespectfully disobeyed an order to eavesdrop.

Why had I stayed?

Was I worried?

Nonetheless, I shouldn't have been there anyways. I stealthily evaded the Commander's exit and left to my duties.

 

* * *

 

The next few days, Levi avoided me like the plague. Whenever I caught as much as a glimpse of him, he'd disappear faster than I could blink. Each time I visited his office with tea, he wasn't there. Every time I looked to the back of the classroom, all I saw was the empty doorway, absent of his leaning figure.

His office even collected dust.

And no one else seemed to understand where I was coming from when I asked about him.

The Commander began to look at me as if I were a threat.

What was this fresh hell...?

All I wanted... was to be an intimate part of the Scouting Legion and to serve "humanity's spear", as the Commander called it.

"Hello...?" I said as I peeked through the doorway to my mother's room, hoping her mind would be in the present today. She looked up from her needlepoint work and smiled the softest of smiles.

"Mitri~!" she sang out as she held her hands out to me.

I was disappointed, but still couldn't help but smile. "How are you doing?" I asked generically as I accepted her hug.

"I'm doing well," she replied brightly, "And so is Beau! He's all grown up and tall!"

I smiled slightly. Perhaps, I could still find a way to talk to her. "And how's Bel?"

She sighed tiredly, "Snuck out to see that boy the other day..."

I rose an eyebrow. Her mind was obviously somewhere in the past... but how far...?

"She did, did she?" I asked, biding time to rack my brain for memories.

"Yes... that girl..." she sighed again, "Ever since she met him, she's been finding her way back. I keep trying to teach her how dangerous it is to go out alone, but I guess I accidentally gave her a mixed message when I let him watch over her that one day Beau got into trouble..."

I leaned into my palm. When did I ever do that...? When was Beau ever...

"Was he hurt?" I asked.

"Yes..." she replied sadly, "Stabbed..." I could see it. "In the side... we were so lucky..."

I remembered. A very tall man carrying my brother strolled into the house one day. He was bleeding heavily from the stomach.

"Did you find the ones responsible?" I asked.

"Yes. With the help of The Ripper."

"The Ripper?"

"Yes, but don't freak out!" she said, suddenly full of animation, "He's actually an old friend who owed me a favor."

"How?"

"You know..." she said remorsefully, "He had insider info on the Bestiarii... We put our strengths together and made sure Beau was safe from them."

I could hardly believe it. My mother? The Ripper? And this boy...?

"Was the boy able to watch over her?"

"He was..." she trailed, "I was impressed, but not as much as she." She crossed her arms and assumed the authoritative pose she habitually fell into whenever she was preparing to scold me. "I can't have her chasing after this boy! He was being raised by The Ripper, for crying out loud! He was sure to grow into a harsh man."

"I see..." I replied, at a loss for something safe to say.

Why couldn't I remember the boy...?

"What would you say to her..." I began, "If she grew up and found herself in love with such a man?"

She closed her eyes and leaned back, perhaps remembering my father. She was quietly emerged in the deepest of thoughts. I was happy she was taking the time to think about her answer, rather than blurting out the four words that irked me, but also worried...

"I'd tell her..." she finally said, "To make a decision about that sort of man. I'd tell her to ask herself: how important is this man? How important am I to him? How much am I willing to sacrifice for this man, all for the sake of love, even if it turns out he doesn't love me in return? Are the reasons why I love this man worth the pain I will suffer for opening up to him?" She opened her eyes and stared straight at me as tears began to fall from them. "These are the questions I thought of when..." She then choked and found herself lost in her sobs. I comforted and held her heaving form in my arms. "... That's why I left you... I chose my children... I know what I did to you was horrible... but I'm not sorry... I'm not sorry...! I'm not sorry, Dmitri! My love! I'm not sorry!"

Her screaming attracted the attention of the nurses. She was stuck with sedative and I was pried from her arms and told to leave.

I slid down her door.

Buried my face in my hands.

And completed her crying for her.

It was routine.


	39. Finding Beauty

As I rode back to headquarters, I thought of my mother's words. Unquestionably, I was in love with Levi. Somewhere along the lines of service, it happened. Between the experiments, the meaningless chatters, and near-death experiences, I fell in love with a man. A far from simple man who swung from the extremes of brutal violence to masked selflessness. A man of quick and venomous tongue, but capable of lullabies more soothing than death to a suffering soldier. A man of principle miles above his short stature.  He carried the burdens of an equal amount of corpses on a pair of shoulders scarred from enough close calls to make one greet death like a rival to which too many gambles were lost, comrades their poker chips. A man with eyes deep as the ages of adversity that can deliver a gaze capable of instilling newfound confidence equal in unsettling periphescence...

Even more unsettling was...

... I didn't care...

I didn't care whether he returned my feelings or not.

If I was only being used by him, it was fine by me.

He had done more than enough for me. He saved me in every way a person could be saved, and made me strong enough to do so for others.

It was thanks to him, that my dreams could come true.

I would ensure, I would ensure my existence wouldn't detriment him in any regard.

What to do...

What to do...

What would make him happy...

What would make him want to let me back into his life...

I made myself into a housework machine, visiting every room and dusting every corner after working overtime for my students and completing daily training.

This lifestyle was important to me. I wasn't about to let anybody take it from me for any reason.

I decided to end the day with his office. If Commander Erwin were to come in and ask me what I was doing, I was prepared to convince him of my honest intentions in the most professional way possible even if, heaven forbid, he confronted me of my relationship with Levi. Although my own relationship with the Commander was expendable and riddled with setbacks, I had an honestly profound respect for him as well, despite what I heard him say about me.

Hell.

I don't even know about that.

I know nothing of the Commander talking to Levi about how distracting and inessential I am to the Legion and its strongest so-

"Bel?"

I whipped around, nearly losing my footing upon the stepladder.

He was immediately at my side, ready to catch me.

"Levi..."

"What are you doing in my office?"

"Cleaning, obviously... You've been so busy you even let your office collect dust, so I thought I should- Wah!" I was suddenly pulled down from the stepstool by my harness and marched out the door. "L-Levi? W-wait! What's going on?" I demanded as I struggled to keep my balance and pry his fingers away from my belts.

"I... I heard you singing..."

"You heard me singing...?"

"Did you forget that my office is right above your floor?" I shook my head, embarrassed that he had heard me. "Anyways... It got me thinking..."

"... That cats die of starvation in the underground every day?" I snorted.

"That's fucking sad, but no..." He cleared his throat and sighed. "Never mind. Forget it."

"Why are you all dirty?" I asked upon noticing his rolled-up sleeves and the dirt all over his ass.

His ass.

"Tch. Don't remind me of that," he grumbled irritatedly as he effortlessly hauled me along.

"Will you at least tell me where we're going?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Keh! You give me the cold shoulder for days and this is how you treat me for cleaning your-eep!" I squealed as I missed the last step on the stairs and fell forward. His iron-grip on the leather strip on my side caused me to swing around him and crash my upper back into the floor. He was also midstride, and almost stepped on my face.

"Haven't acquired any grace in that time, Kitten?" He still didn't let me go.

"You have the deathgrip of an infant..." I grunted as he dangled me from my hip.

"Well, in that case, I'm not gonna let you go unless you distract me with something shiny and colorful, so why don't you go on and right yourself?" he said with a smirk.

"You're... a... total... complete... asshole...!" I grunted as I strenuously struggled to jump back on my feet from the most awkward position I'd ever been in.

"You're the one who fell."

"If you just told me what the hell your fucking deal is you wouldn't have to drag me!" I contested.

"Touché," he compromised as he dropped and yanked me up to my feet.

I fell against him.

He was pinned against the bannister.

We froze.

I could hear his heartbeat.

... Tachycardia...?

I slowly looked up at him. Although he maintained his phlegmatic self, the mydriasis in his eyes were clear as day.

His lips slightly parted, and I felt myself being drawn to them...

He hissed curtly as he took my hand and continued leading me outside. "C'mon. The sun just set."

I grabbed a torch as we left the door. "Why are we going outside if it's going to get dark really soon?"

"Don't you know what a fucking surprise is?"

I cocked my head and shifted my index finger to feel the inside of his wrist.

His heart was still racing.

... My heart was still racing...

"You never said anything about-"

"I-I meant to say it," his voice cracked. "The fuck was that, Levi?" he asked himself.

I giggled, then a sudden aroma hit my senses.

"Is that..." I began as he pulled me through some foliage a short distance away from headquarters.

"Shh," he hushed as he pulled a few vines aside and guided me through.

Before me was a garden of jasmine flowers, cultivated in the ground as well as a handful of various pots. There was also a small gazebo surrounded by shrubs in the area, which was lit with soothly flickering torchlight.

"A little dove told me that you liked these little aromatic fucks," he stated as he took the lantern from me and set it on the ground. I was at a loss for words. "In a couple years or so, they'll climb the trellis. It's gonna smell amazing in there when it's done." He nervously scratched the back of his head. "I know you like to watch the titans from the wall in your downtime, but maybe you'll like it here, too..."

I leaned my back against a tree.

I felt like I was going to pass out.

"What is it? Got your own tongue, Kitten?" he joked.

"Levi!" I whined, "Why are you wasting all your time on this?" They were coming. "Aren't there countless other things you should be doing?" The tears fell. "What will Commander Erwin think if he knew you had spent all this time with my favorite flowers and... and...!" I buried my face in my hands as my sniffles stifled my words.

"Hey."

"Why did you do this, Levi!? The Commander's gonna be so mad! He's gonna send me back if he found out you spent all this meaningless time tending to these flowers instead of doing paperwork and attending meetings and-"

"Wait, what?" he called out as he walked up to me and pulled my hands from my tear-ridden face. "The only one allowed to make that threat is me! What the fuck did he say to you?! Tell me, Bel! I don't give a fuck if he's the Commander! I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!" He held my hands as he patiently awaited my answer. When his blurry image finally came back into focus, he was wearing a new expression.

It was a different type of anger.

The same face my mother wore when she found out I was being harassed by one of my officers, once upon a Garrison.

The look of protecting someone you loved.

"Nothing..." I confessed, "I... heard your conversation after the ceremony..." He grit his teeth and lowered our hands. "Since you avoided me... the following days... I thought... I thought I was... just a..." I choked as the tears began to come again.

"You're right," he said as he took my face in his hands and wiped my tears with his thumbs. "That's what I planned on doing with you, but..." He looked aside and closed his eyes before looking back and trying to continue, but could no more than mouth soundless words, which looked like curses.

"Levi..."

"Don't you dare fucking say my name right now. You're gonna mess me up!" he bursted, then took a deep breath and exasperated in nearly a single breath, "I've told myself over and over again, 'I'm not going to fall in love with you!' 'I'm not going to fall in love with you!' Then you! You go about your fucking day, fucking blissfully unaware as shit of how amazing you are, despite what you've been through. You fucking phoenix, you! Covered in ash! Beautiful! Covered in blood! Beautiful! Covered in sweat! Beautiful! Covered in rain! Covered in titan spit! ... Covered in...! Shit...!"

He seemed to have tired himself out. I didn't know what else to say, so I followed my instinct.

"I'm sorry..."

He plastered his hands above my shoulders and hung his head. "Don't you dare fucking apologize... the world's a better place... with you in it..." his hands clenched into fists, and his forearms pushed upon my biceps, "I don't know what the fuck's going to happen to me now... but goddamn are you gonna save this world... I don't know how you do it, but..."

"Levi...?"

"Not even Erwin could stop me. The asshole knew it all along! He even got fucking Four Eyes in on it."

"Levi...."

"I couldn't stop. Shit like this never fucking pissed me off like this until now! Now I can't think about anything else but how much I'd regret it if either of us died and I never grew the balls to tell you that when I look at you, all this fucking light blinds the shit out of me! Like I need you! I need you with me always or I'll lose my fucking mind! That I love you!"

"Levi!"

My shouting startled him. I brought my hands to his face. I remembered now. I remembered the boy I confessed to before jumping out the window, so many years ago, in so different a place.

"I love you, too... Monamoo."

His eyes widened with realization. "I knew it was you." He then seized me in the tightest of embraces, as if he wasn’t satisfied with his mere words. His body shuddered, as if he was about to cry. "You even went and made, even if a little, piece of that shithole beautiful... something only you could do... Goddamnit..."

"So did you. You showed up to that tiny shit shack and brought with you the most beautiful thing this world has to offer. I saw you once, and I saw it all. I knew I had to find my way back to you somehow, even when I started to forget."

"Kitten..." he breathed huskily into my shoulder, sending a short burst of warmth throughout my body, a small flicker of a flame throughout a biting night, "You and your fucking words... "

"What about my fucking words?"

"Nothing. They suck," he retorted combatively as he pulled away just enough to rest his forehead upon mine and look down with a face so flustered and red as a flare, I couldn't help but decide to be the bravest I'd ever been and plant a brisk kiss upon his cheek. I expected him to comment on the gross physical contact, but he just stood there frozen, as his hands dropped limply to his side.

"... Fuck..." he finally said. His face remained glued to the ground. I stifled a laugh and brought a hand to my face.

"At least take me out for dinner first, Captain..." I joked. He jerked his head back and glared at me. His cheeks remained full of color. I laughed again.

"Why are you calling me that?" he growled afluster, "No one else is even here! How many times do I have to tell you?! Levi!"

"I'm sorry! Old habits die hard! I'll have to go at least twenty-one days without calling you Captain even once to break it!" I kept giggling.

"Oh, so you want a reason to laugh?" he said with a mischievous smirk, "I'll give you a reason to laugh."

I instantly fell to the ground and squirmed at his mercy the instant he attacked my weak spot with curling and titillating fingers. I laughed and laughed, my giggles adding a cacophonous harmony to the naturally orchestrated crickets of the evening.

"Ahahahaha! Levi! Stop!"

"Do you give?"

"Teeheeheehee! Hahaha! Give what?"

"Give up, you jackass!"

"Your! Hehehehe! Ass is full of jack!" I writhed until my muscles ached and clawed at the dirt.

"Heh, your ass is full of jack!"

"I'm gonna- hahahaha! Yank your fucking cravat- Heeheeheehee!"

"I dare you to try, Kitten."

"I will once you let me go!" I shouted between giggles as I pulled my handkerchief out of my pocket and waved it into the air, "I surrender! I surrender! Retract all troops!"

"Heh heh, I stopped touching you a long time ago." I rolled over to see him nonchalantly sitting back on his rear, spectating my fit of laughter he only had to instigate to keep me going.

I caught my breath and smiled gently, reaching up to lightly touch my fingers to his cheek. "You're a jerk..." I said with a soft smile.

He leaned his cheek into my hand and smiled. "I know."

A wonderful, serene smile that lit his entire face.

"And..." I continued as I savored the nonpareil sight before me, perfected by the flickering warmth of the fire and exotic aroma of jasmine, "... You're beautiful."

"I know." He choked a laugh and moved my hand to his cravat for me to grasp. "So, you surrender?" he said as he allowed me pull on him.

"Yeah..." I smiled as I sat up beside him.

"Me, too," he replied softly as he intertwined his fingers into my hair and gently pressed his lips to my forehead. He lingered for a bit before wrapping his arms around my shoulders and leaning his head against me once more. I felt his breath on my face. It was warm and sweet. His gaze was hypnotizing. His steely sharp eyes broke my heart.

"Levi..."

"Hm?" he answered as he dropped his head onto my shoulder. His forehead tapped the plate of my ODM harness with a dull clang.

"Since we're soldiers, what if... I mean, what do we do if... What will happen to us if..."

"Fuck that." I flinched at his sudden response. "Fuck all the 'what ifs'. Fuck everything." He clasped my face in both his hands and bore his words into me with the firmness of the voice I've loved since first hearing it. "I'm Humanity's fucking Strongest. There's nothing I can't handle."

"Wow."

"What?"

"It's just... as dickish as you are sometimes, that kinda talk is new from you."

"Too bad," he said as he playfully poked my cheeks, "You're mine now. And I'm yours. And we're going to have to fucking deal with it."

"I wasn't complaining."

"Good," he said as he kissed my nose and ruffled my hair, "Now let's head back. I can't stand being covered in dirt any fucking longer."

"Oops..." I said, suddenly remembering that I smeared my grody fingers all over his cravat.

He followed my line of sight and pulled it off. "Here, this is your job now," he said as he handed it to me.

I graciously accepted it as if it were the crown. "Oh, kind Sir! What an honor!"

"Shut up..." He chuckled as we extinguished the torches and walked back up to headquarters. "You've wiped your face with it before."

 

* * *

 

We returned in the pre-dinner bustle. Soldiers were flocked around the dining hall and lively chatter echoed throughout the spacious walls of the castle.

"See you later?" I asked as we came upon the forked staircase that led to our separate quarters.

"Yeah." He affectionately ran his hand through my hair before strutting down the hall to his room. I watched him until he turned the corner, then began walking down my own route.

"Fuck!" he screamed as I was about to step into the shower.

What in the...?

I quickly threw on a robe and ran up the stairs and into his office.

"What is it, Levi?" I asked as I found him bent over in his bathroom, staring down a dark and ominous speck in the corner of his tub.

"Fucker came back..." he growled darkly.

"What did you use?" I asked as I leaned over him to diagnose the filth.

"Everything!" he exclaimed, frustrated. "Baking soda, borax, ammonia, bleach..." he listed as he counted off on his fingers, saving his middle for last to vehemently point at the scum.

"You didn't mix the last two, did you?!"

"Of course not. I'm not that stupid." He then furiously tied a pair of handkerchiefs around his head and armed himself akimbo with chemicals. "But this piece of shit is! You've messed with the wrong man, you disgusting, invasive fucker!"

"Easy there, Spic and Span Handyman," I said as I gently pulled him back by the shoulder, "You need a vinegar and hydrogen peroxide solution to prevent regrowth."

"Are you shitting me?"

"I shit you not," I said with a wink, "Now, go make yourself at home in my bathroom. I'll take care of this."

"Seriously? You know about this shit?" he said rather excitedly as I pushed him out the door. "Vinegar and hy... what the fuck?"

"Hydrogen peroxide." I smiled as he was out of the office with a final shove. "Enjoy your spa treatment, Captain!" I said with a big smile before closing the door.

"Wait!" he protested with a barrage of knocks. "I need my tow-"

I threw his towel and clothes into his face and closed the door. I tried not to giggle.

"Thank you," he said with a cotton-muffled voice, "And my-"

I opened the door and handed him his washboard. He smiled and whipped his towel around my neck as he took it, jerking me forward and placing a sweet kiss atop my head.

"Thank you," he said.

"No, thank you," I replied, "I'll be done by the time you finish, but you'll have to leave it to air out for a few hours, ok?"

"Ok," he said as he slung his towel over his shoulder, tucked his washboard under his arm, and closed the door with a smile. I mirrored him and pulled his first-aid kit from his bottom drawer.

 

* * *

 

I slightly loosened the tie of and pulled the collar of my robe as I walked down the hall to my room, carrying the homemade product in my hand.

The water was still running, so I rapped at the door.

"It's open," he said.

"Ok, here it is," I said as I opened the door and held up the bottle, "Spray this around once a week and make sure you store it in the dark so the peroxide doesn't..." He looked up at me from washing one of his socks. He was fully dressed, barefoot, his hair was still wet as it sent droplets down his nose and...

He was absolutely breathtaking.

"... evaporate..." I finished.

"Oh?" he questioned skeptically as he wrung out his sock and draped it over a rack and took the bottle from me, "Will it really?"

"I'm sure!" I snapped as I turned away and crossed my arms behind my back, "Make sure you wear a mask when you do and avoid wearing clothes with dyes to avoid damaging your colors..." My face was on fire.

"Did you paint this?"

"Yeah. To protect the chemicals from the light... It'll keep the mildew from growing back."

"Really?" He rose a doubtful eyebrow. "Guess we'll have to see, Kitten."

"Umm..." I began, nervously rubbing the back of my neck, "About Commander Erwin..."

"I'll handle it," he said as he tucked the bottle beneath his arm and walked over to me. "Until then, try not to run into him, alright?" he asked with his usual stern face as he adjusted my robe.

"Alright," I said dutifully. He stopped at my collar and softened his eyes as he looked at me.

"Later, Kitten," he said softly as he gingerly brushed my hair from my face with his fingertips.

"Later, Levi…" I said before turning my head to softly kiss the skin below his thumb.


	40. X's and O's (They Haunt Me)

For a short time, we established a makeshift headquarters in the Capitol to aid Historia in her new royal duties as queen. All the soldiers loved being there, especially the veterans, who indulged in the upscale nightlife Mitras had to offer. The rest of us adults busied ourselves with keeping the cadets away from their antics.

But one of us fell victim to the copious amounts of rich alcohol available and brought their drunken self back to cleaning duty with the cadets.

"Look! I'm one of those sexy bar girls!" squealed Hange as she danced provocatively around her mop.

"Me too!" Emma laughed as she joined her.

"Heavens no!" Nietzsche scolded.

"Hell yeah!" Simone countered. The cadets exchanged between gaped faces, snickers, and shaken heads of disapproval.

"Nuh uh, y'all ain't as sexy as me!" Johannes jumped upon the table and clumsily shook his hips. They were horrible. I couldn't stand their lack of refined technique.

"No, no, no! You guys!" I leaned my broom against the table as I demonstrated. "It's in the knees! Bend them! Arch your foot! Raise your wrists and twist them the same way!" Jean's eyes widened as he covered his mouth. Mikasa scanned Eren for signs of reaction. Sasha and Connie started laughing and dancing together while Armin tried to divert Eren's attention.

"Where the hell did you learn that?!" Kant clutched his broom, visibly uncomfortable with the room full of men and women dancing like courtesans.

"My mother taught me."

"Your mother taught you how to dance like a whore?!" Nietzsche blurted out.

"We needed a Plan Z!" I yelled back. He simply pressed his palm to his face and Kant hid behind him.

"Oh wow Bel! You're good!" Hange exclaimed.

"Show me! Show me!" Emma begged. Simone picked me up and put me onto of the table, shooing the others off.

"Ok, look!" I announced as I tucked my shirt into my bandages to reveal my stomach, "Lead with the hip! Follow with the wrists! Isolate! Your shoulders stay back and still!" A handful of soldiers comedically followed while others clapped a beat and laughed with us. Simone, laughing harder than she could control, handed me my broom and I integrated the prop.

Suddenly, everyone stopped and saluted me. I hardly noticed the surprised expression on Emma earlier when she nervously poked at Hange. I stopped.

"What? Guys! This isn't a military salute worthy thing!" I said. Johannes motioned with his head for me to turn around.

Levi stood there with the most dumbstruck expression on his face. I fell off the table and jumped back up into a salute. My broom hit the floor with a hollow knock.

"Indeed it is not..." he finally said as he slowly walked over to me and pulled my shirt down. He pondered for a few seconds, then took hold of my wrist and shouted to the others, "Start over from the top! And don't disrespect the cleaning supplies ever again!" His voice regained its intimidating growl and the others went straight back to work. I blinked a few times, and the forms of Kant, Emma, and Nietzsche revealed themselves as other soldiers.

What... was that?

Levi then led me outside, swung me in front of him, and crossed his arms. "What the hell was that, Kitten?!" he snapped. His cheeks were filled with an unusually warm color.

"I was... leading a core flexibility exercise..." He clamped his hands on either side of my head.

"Don't! Fucking! Lie to me!" he scolded as he pinched my cheek.

"Oww..." I complained as I rubbed the dull red mark he left.

"Don't do that anymore! It's disgusting!" He covered his mouth and averted his face. "... and distracting...!" he mumbled as he covered the bottom half of his face with his hand and looked away, "I'm gonna blame their half-assed cleaning on you, Kitten."

"Have you talked to the Commander yet?"

"No..."

"Levi!" I implored as I tugged the fold of his jacket with both hands, "You have to get back to the terms you were on before you started fighting with him... It's important to both of us! If you don't talk to him soon, you know I will."

"I know, I know..." he muttered as he took my hands. "I'm working on it," he said as he kissed them both and walked away before I could get in another word. I smiled and returned to the room.

"Eren," said Mikasa as she reciprocated my prior movements, "Do you like this kind of thing?" Armin shot me a comedically anxious look.

 

* * *

 

My own anxiety was beginning to get to me. We were in love, finally. Yet we barely saw each other. It reminded me of the time he spent giving me the cold shoulder before taking me to the garden. I found myself going there whenever I missed him too much, hoping he'd appear and we'd enjoy the blooms together. It'd been days before I realized I was conditioning myself to associate my favorite flowers with loneliness. I tried to take detours through the capitol gardens, only to zone into the sweet aromas of rose, lotus, and iris. I even went deep into the forests, but the fresh scents of cedar also screamed him to me.

Those were his fucking scents.

I missed him so damn much.

I was so close to barging into his office and kicking his sweet-talking, soap-smelling, ridiculously attractive ass-

"Bel?"

"Levi!" I was retrieving supplies from the cellar when he suddenly appeared at the door, startling me.

"Levi! It's you..." I started as he marched towards me, his eyes glued to the stone floor, "What did the Commander have to-"

"He knew all along." He cut me off as he rammed his head into the crook of my neck and locked his arms behind my back. "It was his plan all along, too." A nervous laugh. "The shit outdid himself this time."

"What...?" I questioned as rested my cheek on his shoulder and tied my arms around his waist.

"He and Shitty Glasses got together with the other officers and played around with bets and shit to see how long it would take for stuff to happen between us..."

"So that time in the safe house when you called me Officer-"

"Yes!" he cried out, plainly pissed that we were toyed with, then nuzzled into me. "I say we get back at them so good they shit themselves."

I giggled and caressed the crown of his head. He sighed deeply. "Haven't we lost enough time together already?"

I felt him smile.

"You're right."

I relished the silence of the vacant storeroom as we lingered in each other's arms.

"Er... Bel..."

I gently shifted my grip upon his jacket and buried further into his collar. The fresh scent of detergent and faintness of his own musk wafted from his cravat, a scent I loved like no other. "Hmm?" I murmured.

He gently cupped my jaw in his hand and angled my face towards him. He brushed his thumb gingerly against my cheek, sending shivers to erupt throughout my body. "May I... can we..." His lips trembled as he fought his instincts for the words. His eyes were focused on my lips, reflecting both the happiness and terror we were both experiencing in the moment. They glistened with enamor. "Aww, damn it..." He gasped in defeat through flustered cheeks and gritted teeth as he looked away.

I smiled, and gently guided his face back to my consenting gaze. "Please," I stated warmly.

His irises of cloudy morning sky glistened with surprise for just a moment, perhaps taken aback by my deciphering of his wishes and my agreement both.

Then they were closed, and his lips clamped clumsily over my mouth.

We both experienced a sharp inhale from the contact of such intimate parts of our skin. As my body began to lose its mass, my lips found their natural place enveloping his fleshier lower labium. His lips were soft. I had finally been granted the pleasure to discover it on my own, perhaps by a higher power I'd never be able to thank. It was then that I realized the feeling wasn't otherworldly or divine. It was given to me by his mortal self, which was something no god could do.

It was him.

All him.

I was driven into a high by his oxygen. We pressed further into each other. I felt him tremble ever so minorly between my lips, instigating me to purse them into a soft, toothless nibble. He immediately reciprocated and locked his arms around my back as I did so. I wrapped my arms around his neck and we further tilted our heads for a closer match, remaining interlocked for what could have been hours. I lost all sense of time. I lost all sense of space. I lost all sense of everything besides the immense magnitude of euphoria and desire that riveted every material and immaterial fiber of my being bestowed upon me by the smallest, but most powerful of contacts I've ever experienced. I've never felt so safe and peaceful, though my vulnerability had reached a record high. The sensations burned into my soul, and I couldn't imagine a more intense flame than that.

His feel.

His scent.

His taste.

The sound of his breath longing for my air.

We were interrupted by the sudden opening of the cellar door from the floor above. The sound of our parting lips sounded as a detonation of disappointment.

"Vanteon?" The voice of my commanding officer called out. I stepped down into the small genkan that led to the stairs when Levi caged his arms over my shoulders and covered my mouth. "Hmm... not here..." The upper door closed.

I gently pulled his hand down from my mouth. "Levi... That was my officer." His arms shifted into a doting embrace as he tilted his head and pecked a few kisses along my cheek.

"I know..." he admitted as he rested a fraction of his weight upon my shoulders and slightly swayed us back and forth. "But my authority trumps his, and I say, you're busy..."

"You shouldn't make a habit of abusing your privileges, Captain of the Soldiers." I joked as I kissed the inside of his wrist.

"Abuse? I think I've earned the right," he replied with a smirk, his cheek rose against mine.

He was smiling again.

I'd do anything to maintain that smile...

He lifted me into his arms as I turned and we continued our kiss long into evening.

 

* * *

 

The days that followed were saturated in unbelievable bliss. We stole glances from each other during meetings, held hands beneath tables, initiated spontaneous rendezvous between tasks when and where no one was watching. He often joined me in my study to bring me tea, watch, or ask about what I was working on. Whenever he wasn't around, I found myself glancing at the wanted poster of him I had crumpled up and before I knew it, small doodles of him decorated the blank spaces of my work. He had worked his way so far into my wandering thoughts. I had to learn his gait in order to anticipate his coming in, less he see my childish tendencies. I was sure he wouldn't mind, but I wasn't sure I was quite ready for him to know the magnitude of my affections. I was hopelessly smitten with the man. For once in my life, I was happy to be a woman. He'd done so many things to my psyche, I could have mistaken myself for a stranger.  The me from prior was nowhere near as happy.

I began feeling sensations I'd never experienced before when with him.

 

* * *

 

He had grabbed my harness and pulled me into a small space beneath the stairs as I turned the corner one night. Immediately, his lips captured mine and his arms were around me in a firm embrace. The stress of the day drained from my mind nearly instantly as we channeled our passions and desires through our fervent motions beneath the cover the darkness the weathered wooden staircase provided. I wasn't sure what happened, but our tongues had met at some point during the long awaited and spontaneous rendezvous.

"Ah," he exhaled, perhaps as surprised as I was in response to the new sensation as I quickly retreated from his mouth.

I quickly lowered my head and clasped my hands to my face in embarrassment. "I'm sorry...! I didn't-"

"Well..." he began shakily, then cleared his throat, "That wasn't... as disgusting as I thought it'd be..." he said, his expression hidden.

"That's... not consoling..."

"You know I'm not good with words, Kitten."

"I didn't mean that, but..."

"Let's turn this around..." he said as he ran his fingers through the hair at my nape, causing me to shiver and reflexively raise my head to meet him, "Did you like it?"

If my mind could have been visualized, it would have been a huge explosion. His verbal bluntness took me by such a surprise, I couldn't do much else but sit there flabbergasted as I recollected myself upon earth.

"Y-yes..." I finally replied.

"Then that makes two of us," he stated proudly as he wrapped his free arm around my waist and slowly traced my bottom lip with his tongue. After a gentle bite, I was finally reminded that I could move and leaned into him, parting my lips enough for my tongue to curl around his and slide along its length. The motion caused his arms to wrap tighter around me. The compression he formed between our chests magnified the pronounced pounding of our hearts as if we were a single soul anticipating being joined from two. My hold on him also tightened as we explored each other until I began to firmly grip his harness beneath his jacket and locks of his hair. The deep kiss was nothing short of empyreal, as each breath and movement brought each of us higher and higher into an ecstasy of insatiable passion we could only create within each other.

Just as I felt my body couldn't take anymore, I gently closed my teeth around his bottom lip and pulled, my fingers intertwined into his hair, pulling silky locks with my hunger as well.

"Tch," he tutted shortly as we finally separated and our arms dropped into a more gentle hold. "You bit me."

"You bit me first...”

"Touché..." he answered with a coy smile.

The most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

"So..." I began as I began straightening his cravat, jacket, and shirt collar, ruffled by my passionate delirium, "How's that hydrogen peroxide solution working for you?"

His eyes then instantly lit up like a firecracker.

"Come quick! You have to see it to believe it!" he said excitedly as he grabbed my harness and half dragged half carried me up the stairs and into his office. After flinging open the door to his bathroom, he threw me forward and flourished towards his now spotless tub. "Isn't this amazing! Just look at it!"

I released a few chuckles, still out of breath, and caught my balance as I scoured the pearly surface for imperfections. "I knew it was going to work. The molecular compound creates an unsuitable living-"

I stopped midsentence and widened my eyes at the scene before me.

As he held the homemade bottle in his hands...

Levi was laughing.

A light, yet bellowing, tear-inducing laugh.

I found myself staring at him.

I always dismissed my mother's musings of a creator, but I'd never felt so stupefied in the presence of something so wonderful...

"Whew..." he said as he wiped his eyes, "This is the sickest shit to ever hit the fan..."

"I wouldn't say that..."

"Are you fucking kidding?" he said as he wound his arms around my back once more, "This stuff's amazing, Bel."

I smiled as I looked at him. His face, usually clouded with worry and disinterest, was brighter than the sun...

"Umm..." I wrinkled my nose as a characteristically strong odor suddenly hit my senses. "Did you just finish cleaning in here before you kidnapped me?"

"No. I sprayed it this mor-" he held up the bottle to find it partially unscrewed and spilling. "-ning..."

I covered my mouth to stifle a shriek as he spun me around by the shoulder. "Aww..." I sighed, twisting around to better inspect the mark he left. A cold zephyr blew through his open window, causing me to sneeze, much to his chagrin, I could tell.

"Agh..." he grunted as he shut the window. "Sorry about that, Kitten."

"It's ok! It'll just be real clean right there!" I beamed with a reassuring smile.

He stared at me for a moment as his cheeks grew a rosy tint. "Ok. Arms up," he ordered, "We need to let that dry."

"Arms up?"

"Just trust me," he mumbled as he tucked his chin and hid beneath his hair.

"Ok," I agreed, raising my arms above my head. He then lifted my shirt halfway up, keeping my vision concealed. "Eep!" I squealed, suddenly shivering from the cool castle air that stung my midsection. "Levi, what are you-"

"Are you gonna make me push you off the cliff again?" he threatened.

"No!" I affirmed.

"Then just..." he said as he whisked my top over my head and replaced it with his own shirt, "... hang tight." I lowered my arms and he began buttoning me up.

I suddenly felt as if I'd been sweating profusely after an intensive drill. "Levi... are you sure about this...?" I asked nervously as he fastened the last button just above my navel.

"Well..." he said huskily as he took hold of the open ends of the shirt and pulled me forward. "You're more endowed than I thought." I instantly hid behind my hands, feeling as if my heart would detonate if he as much as breathed upon another tripwire. "So this is the real reason why you rejected the shirt I gave you all that time ago." I nodded, still buried in my hands. He chuckled. "You're too fucking cute." I swallowed hard, then took his cravat in my hands, which remained loosely draped around his neck. His bare chest was muscular and firm as ever, free from the confines of the grey button down he usually wore.

Then my face was in his hands and I was pinned against the sink.

We weren’t done.

"There are consequences to being too cute..." he said sensually as he leaned me back and enveloped my lips hungrily with his, hand writhing through my hair and hips pressing into mine. I immediately succumbed to his advances. One hand traversed my arm and laced into my fingers as the other supported both my shoulders, lowering me into a deeper bend.

He then parted a little too soon, and glazed over me with his drunkenly love-struck eyes as he twirled his fingers around the fine hairs at my nape. Deciding to take another leap of faith, I reached up for him and gently pressed my lips to the side of his neck. A playful and teasing nibble followed as I caressed the bristly short hairs of his undercut, causing him to tremble and melt into my arms.

As his breath began to quicken in my ear, he lifted me up without warning and began lining the side of my neck with wet, arduous kisses. His hands raked my back as he firmly held me in place, flush against his body. I bit my lip as his lips gingerly traced and pursed against the scar that had formed on my neck.

He was kissing my scar.

Levi was kissing my scar.

My body erupted.

I threw my head back and I braced myself against the sink as I felt myself weaken. He instinctively caught my head before I hit the mirror and held me as I panted without sacrificing the pressure between our hips. I felt myself trembling all over as he continued his trail of kisses across my collar and down my chest, his hands mirroring the movements of his lips upon my back-

Then he suddenly stopped, already deep into my cleavage. Faint glints of remorse flashed across his face as he stepped back and stood there frozen, as if he were possessed.

"Levi?"

No answer.

"Levi, hey."

None.

"Levi!" Ridden with panic, I took his face in my hands and called out to him. He blinked back into the present and just as quickly dropped his gaze to the floor.

"Shit..." he cursed weakly, "Bel... Bel I'm so sorry..." His voice was ragged as he pleadingly rubbed his thumbs across my knees and apologized for something I couldn't figure out.

"Sorry? Why?" I said as I slid down from the sink and took his hands. He turned and clenched fistfuls of his hair into his hands before I could try to look at his face. My chest lurched. "Levi..." I cooed as I approached him and brought his hands down from wrenching at his head. "Monamoo, what's wrong?"

I gently caressed his biceps as he brought his hands to his face. "Nothing..." he murmured.

"If it's something, will you tell me?" I asked as I nuzzled into the back of his head, allowing his stubbly undercut to tickle my nose.

"Yeah."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"Cross your heart?"

I observed a smile from the back of his head as he leveled his chin. "Cross my heart."


	41. Body and Soul

"Did I hear you say that you ran the OR with open wounds?" Levi disciplined the next night at dinner. He was in much better spirits, and even ate a moderate portion of his rations.

"Umm..." I replied ambiguously as I took a sip of tea and looked away.

"You're a complete fucking dimwit!" He crossed and Hange started laughing.

"Well excuse me, Captain Clean!" I challenged as I put down my cup and swiveled into a normal sitting position, "I get sanitation's important but scrubbing your ass until it flattens is ridiculous!"

"That's a huge-ass exaggeration! At least what I said was a fact!"

I smiled mischievously. It wasn't my fault. He gave me the opportunity. "Was that pun intended?" He narrowed his eyes at me, and I dared prolong the contact as a smug smile adorned my face.

"On your ass." That was all he could say before picking up his plate and starting for the kitchen and after pushing Hange back into balance from her keeled-over laughter.

"So." Simone leaned over to me. "When did it happen?"

"What?" I said before shoveling the rest of my food into my mouth.

"C'mon. You two finally hooked up." I nearly choked.

"No we didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"I'm not talking about this." I said as I was about to get up and leave.

"Who are you kidding? You wore his flag to dinner last night!"

"What?"

"His shirt!"

"What makes you think that was his shirt?"

"You don't wear buttons, Bel."

"Maybe I do now."

"But you came to dinner together, and late!"

"That still doesn't mean anything!"

"He was wearing a different shirt while you were wearing the ridiculously clean and iron pressed button-down he wore to work that day!" I glared at her, but she couldn't help taking every opportunity to prove her sexual literacy. "You hooked up! A man's shirt on a woman's body is like a flag on a conquered fortress!"

"Fine! Yes! It happened! Shut up!" I blurted, thankful we most likely weren't being heard over the combination of Hange's laughter and the other overpowering conversations in the room.

She rose an all too knowing eyebrow. "... How was he?"

"Shut the fuck up Simone."

"Do you have any hickeys? Bruises? Can you walk!?"

"Jesus fucking Christ Simone I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Looks like he needs to step up his game. You're acting like you could be more satisfied."

"That's does it! I'm gonna kill you!"

“Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma’am!”

Just as I was about to wail on her ass, a firm and comforting arm wrapped around my shoulders, "Take it easy, Bel. You're still winded." Simone then put on a huge shit-eating grin that threatened to stretch past the boundaries of her face. I gave up before even contemplating trying to set her straight. "Oh, and DeBeauvoir, stop harassing my Kitten, or I'll kill you for her."

I didn't know whether I should feel embarrassed or proud as he protectively led me away from the hall and out to our new favorite place to be.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few days, the legion was especially busy with reforms. Levi, being the workaholic I knew and loved him to be, took it upon himself to work throughout the day and partake in numerous business outings, neglecting his humanly needs.  I decided to bring his portion to his office and await his return when he had been out for an unusually long time one day.

He slammed open the door and came stomping in long after midnight.

"Levi! What's wrong?" I tried to catch him as he walked by, but his sleeve slipped through my fingers.

He threw a cluster of paperwork upon his desk and dropped into his chair in a frustrated rage. He didn't even seem to notice me.

"Hey, Levi!" I got up and tapped his desk. He looked up.

"Oh... Kitten..." he tossed his head down into his arms, "Come back later... I'm in a... shitty fucking mood..." he grunted.

"Obviously..." I said as I walked behind him and placed my hands upon his shoulders. He gave a jolt. "Relax for once!" I commanded. He yielded as I gently began massaging his jaw and neck. He released built up tension through exasperated sighs and arched against my hands. As I moved to his back and spine, I lingered over the places that felt especially tender and made him softly murmur.

Once he seemed calm enough, I asked him again, "What is it, Levi?" I revisited the spots on his neck, shoulders, and back where he seemed to enjoy being rubbed the most.

"Even though we weeded out all the biggest assholes..." he began, "Those filthy pigs are still clinging onto their money for dear life..." he complained, "I'm trying to help Historia negotiate a project to build a safe house for the orphans created by this disaster, including the underground, and start an organization to take care of and give the brats everything they'd need to live a decent life, but those noble pigs are so fucking difficult... fucking pompous-ass swines...!"

I gently lifted his head and began working on his sinuses. He leaned back into my arms and closed his eyes. "That's wonderful, Levi," I complimented, "I'm so proud of you!" he smiled smugly. "How can I help?" He suddenly jumped up and spun around, causing me to accidentally poke him in the eye. "Levi! What was-?!" He rubbed his eye in frustration, but continued staring at me sternly with the other.

"No!" he ordered tersely, "I don't want you anywhere near those disgusting perverts!"

Really. "Alright, alright! No need to get your balls all twisted up!" I chastised. I then made a turning motion to order him back into massaging position, to which he quickly obeyed after his little outburst. "I'll at least tell you this: get support from the public..." I trailed off. He released a small sigh of pleasure as I tilted his head back into my chest and lightly tended to the tender nodes upon his neck. He showed signs of subtle hypertension and lymphatic strain. "Keep going..."

"This chair sucks..." his vocal cords vibrated profoundly against my fingers, "Can hardly get any sleep out of it..."

"You've been sleeping in your chair..."

"Always do. It's no big deal..." I unfastened a couple of his buttons, slipped off his cravat, and placed it on his desk. It was slightly damp with perspiration.

"Then why'd you kick me out that time?" He rolled his neck to the side, and I dutifully followed.

"Being around you too long was starting to make me nervous." I ran my hands around his collarbones, then slowly down the front of his chest.

"Anything else?" He shuddered. My fingertips detected goosebumps.

"I..." Hesitation. "Actually don't get drunk..." he confessed.

"Huh...? I bent over him and softly cradled his head in my arms.

"That night at the safe house... I was pretending because... I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do... about you..."

"Ah..." I said, remembering how he clung to me that night. I gently kissed the top of his head, "Is there more?"

"You're a good dancer... too good for other people to see..." I tilted his chin and gave him a soft kiss on his nose.

"Why don't you... come lay down... with me... just for a little bit?" I requested shyly as I lightly traced his collarbone. He stared at me for a moment until, suddenly and without hesitation, he pulled me across his lap and pecked playful kisses along my shoulder. I curled and writhed in his arms giddily at his tireless gestures of affection.

"Hehe," he chuckled as he stood up and carried me off to his bedroom, "Alright, but I've gotta go first thing in the morning."

"That's your idea of a little bit, Captain?" I giggled as I reached up to plant a kiss beneath his chin.

"It's nearly three in the fucking morning, Bel," He pointed out as he shut the door behind us with his foot, "Plus..." he said with a sly smile as he placed me down on his bed and towered over me after quickly slipping off my boots and kicking off his own. As his fringe gracefully succumbed to gravity, it became very clear that was, by far, my most favorite angle to view him from. He looked down on me endearingly, the faint candlelight behind him framed his head in a halo of warmth and sanctuary. "I'm your Captain... a little bit's gonna last as long as I want..."

 

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

 

Author's Note:

Hello, All! Thank you so much for reading! I vastly appreciate your support in reading my OC's original story; It means so much to me!

First of all, I'm still actively writing this story! The last few months have been horrible to me for a variety of reasons, and I sincerely hope you will forgive me for letting my updates fall sparsely. That was the least of my intentions, I promise.

I was planning to do another huge update to make up for my absence, then fell into some holes in the plot that have yet to be determined, as they depend on the canon progression. In other words: I've caught up to the canon manga in my planning!

As a result, Sounds of Freedom will meet yet another indefinite pause... I'm very sorry to be saying this.

Nonetheless, this work is still very precious to me, so I will continue writing it. I have been doing so for over a year now!

To make up for this, I will be offering a few things!

During my absence, role-playing on Tumblr (writing with one or two more people and each person controls their own character[s]) has been my greatest coping mechanism. I write there often to further develop Bel's character, as well as my writing skills.  My url is <https://bxlni.tumblr.com/>. There, you can find lots of things including more of my writing (in the form of role plays and drabble requests), as well as a ton of inspirations for and drawings of Bel! You may also send me (and/or Bel!) questions about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING! Please feel free to do so! It's not only fun, but helps me a lot and I love hearing from you!

I will also take on requests! This includes writing requests and drawing requests. To make this fun, please send them to my Tumblr askbox ([here!](https://bxlni.tumblr.com/ask)) with the code word "Shitty Kitty" so I know where you're from and how special you are~!

Again, I am very sorry for not updating as often as I hoped. They will keep occurring until the very end, then I will begin some spin-offs!

Thank you so much for your time and support! I love you all so much and wish you the best of everything!

Sincerely,

~ five_foot_a_b1tch


	42. Leads

"Bel! Bel!" he called out to me as he gently shook me and snapped his fingers in front of my face.

"What... happened...?" I replied groggily as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I was covered and he had put on a clean pair of boxer shorts.

"You fainted. That's what," he said. Though his choice of words were blunt, he was sincerely concerned.

"Did we...?"

"No."

"After all that?!" I gasped, "Aww shit... I'm so sorry...!" I buried into my hands, ashamed that I couldn't handle such an intimate night with him.

"Hey, it's alright," he said as he pulled my hands from my face and rose a candle to check the dilations of my eyes, "I'm actually glad I wasn't the only one with cold fucking feet."

"What if this means-"

"We'll be fine. This doesn't mean anything." He affirmed as he returned the candle to his nightstand. "It's a huge ass fucking deal for both of us. That's it."

I sighed as I clenched the covers to my chest. "You're right..."

"Maybe it's a good thing..." he said as he ran a hand through his hair, "Now's a shitty time for morning sickness... you know?" I caught a small glint within his eye.  It was a sort of glint that came with daydreams of the future.

My heart sank. "It... would've been an ok gamble to take... the chances of that happening are actually pretty low..." I lied, not ready to tell him the grave truth as I traced a small circle onto his sheets.

"Come here," he motioned towards me as he laid down beside me on his back, "Let's try to get in a little nap before I have to go, at least." My eyes were indeed heavy.

"My idea of a nap is your... sleep..." I yawned before snuggling up into the crook of his arm and neck.

"When'd you last sleep?" he asked.

"The day before yesterday..." I confessed.

"Tch. No wonder," he said as he kissed the top of my head, "I'll try not to wake you, then."

"But I want to kiss you goodbye before you leave," I whined in a muffled mutter against his lateral pectoris.

"I'll take care of that."

"But if I'm asleep, then I won't be able to kiss you back," I contested, fighting back a yawn.

"For real, Kitten? You're gonna be this combative even half asleep and naked?" I giggled. "Are you tired or not? Make up your fucking mind..." he groaned.

"Maybe I'll just fall asleep like this," I said mid-yawn as I draped myself over his midsection. "So there's no way you can't leave without waking me up..."

"Who the hell are you kidding?" he replied, unphased by my weight, "I carried you from the hospital all the way to here in nothing but a blanket and you didn't bat a single fucking eyelash."

"I didn't? Must have skipped REM sleep and went straight to N4."

"Alright, alright! If you're still sleeping, I'll wake you up before I go," he surrendered as he cupped his hand around my waist and pulled me back into place.

"Thank you, Monamoo," I said as I dug my arm beneath him to hug myself closer.

"Tch, goodnight, Shitty Kitty."

"I love you too, Levi."

 

* * *

 

The pleasant rays of early afternoon shone through the frosted glass. I rubbed my eyes and stretched my arms over and under Levi's torso.

"You're late..." I commented. He wore a pronounced pout as he continued looking straight ahead, the fingers of his arm beneath my head absentmindedly playing with my hair.

"I know..." he grumbled. "And it's all your fault, you fucking Cuddly Temptress," he pouted. I smiled and propped myself up on my elbow to run a hand through his hair. The silky fibers felt like heaven through my fingers.

"What are you going to do about it?"

He smiled rebelliously and wrapped a hand behind my neck. "Nothing..." The distance between us vanished as he feverishly pulled me back into his arms. " ... yet." The morning heat sunk into the room through the open window, but I would gladly hold him until the end of time, even if he were made of fire.

He may as well have been.

He inhaled deeply into my hair, then buried himself into my neck. I held him for a while longer before deciding to keep him on track.

"Alright, it's now 'yet'..." I said, gently kissing the top of his spine

"I'm not ready..." he whined huskily, maintaining a strong grip on me.

"C'mon, the Queen's counting on you!" I reminded him.

"The Queen's just a little brat who punched me in the shoulder..." he mumbled into my chest, "She'll understand when she gets older..."

I laughed lightly. "She did? Aww. She hurt you?"

"Yes," he exaggerated. I humored him awhile longer. The sun was about to reach its peak.

"Alright," I pat his back, asking him to open the cage he had formed around me, "Time to go to work. Not just the Queen, but all the little brats are counting on you."

"Fine..." he pouted as he rose up from my body, but not before trailing a final line of kisses up my jaw. After he reluctantly got up, I rolled over to sit up over the side of the bed and went to gathering my clothes and equipment.

"I'm going to come with you, alright?" I said over my shoulder to him. There was the sound of him opening a drawer.

"I thought I already told you: you're not going to help negotiate," he stated firmly, "You've helped enough." A pause. "But thank you, really."

"Not for that," I explained, "I'm going to see Leo. By the time we get there, it'll be just past lunch so I'll be able to catch him."

He sighed defeatedly. "Alright, but shower first. You smell too good," he said as he swept up the covers. I took a glance at his collar in the bright light and winced.

It looked painful.

"Umm... Levi?" I said remorsefully as I bundled my clothes to my chest.

"Yeah, Kitten," he said affectionately as he folded his dirty laundry and placed the articles in a basket for the meantime.

"Does it... hurt?" I asked, tapping my own trapezius muscle.

"Oh, this?" he affirmed as he brushed a couple fingers against and examined it in his dresser-top mirror, "Not really."

I ran up to him. "I could put some ointment on and cover it up if you want," I insisted with innocent eyes.

He chuckled and took my clothes from me. "No. This is mine. I like it and I'm gonna keep it."

I continued staring at it as he folded my clothes. I felt so bad.

"Are you sure? I mean, you initially complained about my biting and-" He then swept my wrist and locked me into his arms. His teeth bore into my neck and I wrenched at his back. I felt an intense mixture of excitement and weakness as he suckled my skin and siphoned my worries.

Dead weight in his arms, he slowly leaned me back to help steady my reclamation to gravity. "Understand, now?" he asked huskily after sensually circling his new claim to me with his tongue.

"Uh huh..." I replied shakily. He smirked victoriously, then wrapped me in a towel.

"Good. Now go get in my shower."

 

* * *

 

We arrived at the palace at the predicted time. I descended from our shared horse on the opposite side before he could help me down.

"Meet back here at nightfall, alright?" he said as he led his horse to the visitor's stable, "If I'm not there, don't wait for me alone. Hang around your overgrown friend, alright?"

I crossed my arms. "Your lack of faith in me is insulting, Levi..."

"You can't fight, and you're a poor runner. Worse than Armin," he criticized harshly.

"Ouch..." I cringed, with nothing personal against the small blonde, "I'm still a soldier. I've killed titans. How hard could it be to defend myself from a person?" He raised an eyebrow."... when I'm armed and at full strength..." I corrected. He walked over to me and pulled me towards him by my harness.

"Titans don't act with their dick," he said forebodingly, "And you're a hot piece of ass."

I pushed him away. "God, you've become my mother..." I sighed and pressed a palm to my forehead.

"Tch, that's a turnoff..." he grumbled, procuring his papers from the saddlebag. I suddenly regret my words.

"I didn't mean it like that..." I started, fishing for the correct words to alleviate the situation, "What I meant to say was... thank you for looking out for me."

He blinked, then fanned himself with the papers. "It's a given, Kitten," he stated simply, then traced my jaw with his fingers and gave a swift peck upon my cheek.

 

* * *

 

After parting, I rounded the side of the castle where the live-in MP quarters were and whistled the signal. Leo appeared at the window shortly after.

"That's not our song." he whined childishly.

Oops.

"Sorry, Leo..." I apologized as I pulled at my collar, "It's been awhile."

"Don't worry about it..." he said as he hoisted himself out the window and into the meticulously doctored garden that surrounded the castle grounds, "It was only a matter of time before that midget took over your head." He ruffled my hair and gave me a lighter hug than usual.

"He's not here, you know," I joked.

"But what if he's watching?!" I laughed and threw myself at him. The larger hug felt more like him.

"I need to get into the records one more time," I requested, "There's a new name I have to look up. I'd like to see the list of prison camp deportees as well."

"Yes Ma'am," he said with a salute. There was no need to sneak around or wear a disguise this time.

 

* * *

 

"Madame Defarge!" I repeated for the umpteenth time as we searched the records.

"It's as I keep saying!" he argued back, "We're not gonna get far with just a last name and prefix. Plus, someone's screwed everything up. Everything's out of order for some reason..."

"Pull aside any government ordained military IDs," I said, "This woman was able to sneak at least two subordinates into the Eren retrieval mission without anybody as much as batting an eye!"

"If that were the case, then there wouldn't be any record of it anyways, right?"

"Numbers, Leo. They shouldn't add up. Check the squad numbers before and after the mission for any discrepancies. I'm guessing it would be easiest to sneak into the Garrison's northern regiments..."

I froze as I came across a familiar document. The corners of the paper wrinkled in my hands, which were turning into fists.

"Fuck this!" I threw the document aside and began a tightly fisted strut outside the room.

A deep shade of red filtered my vision.

Leo came after me. "Bel! What is-"

My sinuses cringed in a nasty pinch as I broke into a sprint down the empty halls. "My father visited my mother!"

Completely forgetting the existence of horses, I ran across town to the hospital where my mother was staying. After flinging open the door to her room and finding it empty, I made a break for the haughty receptionist and nearly threw myself over the desk.

"Risa Vanteon!" I shouted urgently, "Where is she?!"

Aghast and stopping herself from making some sort of remark about self-control, she said simply, "They just sent her to the asylum."

I gulped.

"Bel." A hand fell on my shoulder. "Maybe we should-"

I took off again to the farthest corner of the city, where Wall Sina's most mentally challenged residents were segregated to living the rest of their lives in a sedative-rich delirium.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.

"Careful! She's ballistic!"

My mother surrounded by a full staff of nurses struggling to get a strait jacket on her.

"Mom!" I ran to her side and shook her free from their animalistic grips. "Be careful with her! She's scared!" I shouted to them as I caught her in my arms and searched her agonized face for a trace of her.

"Bel! Bel! Where are you?! Bel Baby!" she screamed frantically, looking left and right.

"Mom!" I guided her face to look at me. "I'm here!" I implored. Leo finally caught up to us and stopped dangerously close to my mother's reach of insanity.

She turned from terrified to livid faster than a bullet could leave a gun.

"Faxhalli! I'll kill you!" she shrieked as she lunged past me, pinning Leo to the ground and caging his neck in her newly boney and frail hands. "Where's my baby?! Give her back to me! Now!"

"Mom! Stop! It's not him!" I wailed as I hooked my arms beneath and hoisted her shoulders away from him. As I relieved her of gravity's aid, Leo was able to break free from her hands.

"Hold her still!" A nurse commanded as she brandished a syringe from her pocket and made our way towards us, intending to take advantage of the stiffening hold I had on my weakening mother. Another tear trailed down my face as I reached over her face to grab the opposite side of her head and angled her neck towards the nurse, keeping her eyes covered.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered as the needle sank into her skin and her body fell limp in my arms. Her face, although peaceful, was stained with tears. I surrendered her unconscious body to the nurses as they strapped the jacket around her and rolled her away on a gurney.

Leo and I remained.

I stool there frozen as the wind picked up and began to chill the tracks of my tears.

"Bel," Leo said as he slowly walked up to me, "Let's go. You need a break."

"Not yet," I affirmed as I roughly dragged my sleeve across my face and walked into the building.

"Who authorized this man entrance into the establishment?!" I asked the receptionist as I spun around the sign-in clipboard and pointed at my father's name.

"There are no rules against that man's visitation," The man said blandly without as much as raising his head from his whittling.

I brandished my switch and drove it into the polished wooden surface.

He jumped.

Now I had his attention.

"This man is the abusive ex-husband of Risa Vanteon! How could you let him through?! Don't you shit-stacks do your goddamn fucking research, you filthy pieces of shit!"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am! But there is no record of Ms. Vanteon ever being mar-"

"Listen to me! You fucking-!"

"Bel! Enough!" Leo said as he pulled me back from diving behind the desk and strangling the man, "It's not his fault! Chill!" I could only kick and scream as he continued to apologize to the man as he toiled me out the building. As soon as he put me down on the street, I jerked myself free and stomped down the marbled sidewalk.

"Bel?" he pleaded.

I ignored him.

"Bel."

I continued along.

"Bel!" he reached for me and I slapped his hand away.

"What the fuck do you want?!"

"Now what?"

"Now what?!"

"Listen. I know. Shit's been going down and you're pissed, but you have to slow down for just a moment and think about who you should really hit!"

"Just hitting's out of the fucking question now!"

"I know! But listen to me!" He ran in front of me and held out my knife. "I'm with you, Bel, but you need to get back to being yourself and thinking clearly before kicking ass." I took my knife and looked down, but he wore a soft smile. "You were always really good at that, you know? Scouting our targets out before me... Rolo... Gabe... CJ... and Cinnie returned pranks and stuff... With you on our side, the other squads didn't stand a chance against us... remember?"

My head pounded and my legs trembled, but he was right.

"Forget Madame Defarge," I declared, "We're going to look up the name Faxhalli Gibbot."

"Roger," he said as we walked side by side back to headquarters without saying another word to each other.

 

* * *

 

The sun had already dipped behind the horizon when I caught sight of Leo's first yawn. Pushing aside my feelings of guilt for the moment, I continued flipping through the records of deceased soldiers. I paused for a moment and lowered my eyes as I came across my brother's file. I'd never seen it before, but the same picture that labeled his document decorated the mantle of our shabby fireplace back home.

That same...

... hopeful smile.

I smiled weakly as well as I flipped the page and continued scanning the sparse lines of his report.

Remains?

We were never told he had remains...

The red returned as I slammed the file shut.

"Find something?"

"No," I lied, "I forgot to tell Levi I'm gonna stay awhile longer, since we took the same horse here."

"Oh," he said as I got up and secretly shoved an address into my notebook, "Ok"

I left for the stable, passing by the closed door of the office Levi said he'd be working in.

"Oi!" Levi grabbed my wrist as I was about to pull myself onto a saddle, "What the fuck are you doing? That's not our horse."

I glared at him and gave a few tugs. "How the fuck'd you know I'd be here?"

"Gut feeling. Plus, no one else can stomp the way you can, you goddamn elephant." He still held on as he studied my face. "Hey..." his visage darkened, "I know that look. What did you find out, Bel?"

I choked on some tears. "My father... claimed my brother's remains and went in hiding somewhere up north..."

"And you were going to go up there with no rations, no equipment, inefficient clothing, and a shitty ass switchblade as the only means to defend yourself? Absolutely fucking not! Fucking think! Bel!" I flicked my wrist, forcing him to let go, and went to mounting his horse.

"I have to go!" I protested, "I have a lead! Take him down, and everything else will unravel! It's-"

He grabbed the reins of his horse and prevented me from taking off. "That's not it," he laid a hand upon my knee and looked up at me sternly, "Corpses are nothing, Bel. Once they're dead, there's no value."

I knew he disagreed. No face was more regretful than his after we were forced to leave the bodies of our comrades behind after the Fifty-Seventh Expedition.

"I spent too much time laying around in HQ. This mission's way overdue. I'm still under Zackley's orders to clean this shit up!"

He looked hurt.

My heart wanted to break, but I saw red.

"Where's your friend?! Why didn't he try to stop you?!" he argued.

"You should know me better than that, Captain."

He looked away, then mounted behind me, "Fine. We're going through this together."

We were about to take off when a scream was heard from within the castle.

I recognized the voice.

"Leo!" I screamed, jerking the reins from Levi's hands and nearly running his horse into the window of the room I last saw him. "Leo! Leo!" My eyes darted about wildly. Papers and documents, different from how we left them, were dotted in blood and strewn across the room. I raced out into the hall, looking for my friend.

"There he goes! Get him!" an MP officer shouted from a hallway intersection. A man in a black trench coat was running in my direction, a barreled pistol with a small bayonet attachment in his gloved hands. Rage took over my senses. I brandished my switchblade and charged towards him as I screamed. The man rose the gun.

"You idiot!" Levi hollered as he tackled me into another room. We crashed through the door together and landed in what appeared to be a butler's quarters.

"No!" I wailed as the cloaked man ran past us. Levi pinned me to the floor before I could follow him.

"Leave that asshole to me!" he ordered, "Find Leo! He needs you right now!" I scrambled to my feet as soon as he was off me and we took off in our respective directions. I found an MP and shook him.

"Where's Officer Vicente?!"

"In the atrium down the hall!"

I rushed past him into the said room, where he was being tended to by his squad. He had been shot in the chest.

He wasn't moving.

Why hadn't they started CPR?!

"Out of the way, you shitty good for nothings!" I shrieked as I shoved a squad member aside and pressed my mouth to his lips.

His mouth was filled with blood.

My body shocked with terror.

I flipped my knife and opened his clothes to locate the wound.

I then grabbed an MP's flask, poured it over his body, and balled up my jacket over him.

"Pressure!" I ordered as the timid soldier meagerly pressed his hands upon him.

The asshole was wasting too much time.

I pointed my knife at him, "More! The bleeding has to stop for what I'm about to do!"

"Yes Ma'am!"

Satisfied with his triggered competency, I again pressed my lips to Leo's mouth and began sucking out his blood by the mouthful.

After a couple minutes, a trauma team arrived to transport him to the medical wing, where we fought against time to save his life.

 

* * *

 

I exited the OR hours later and ripped off my blood caked scrubs. Levi was waiting for me outside, casually leaned back against the wall with crossed ankles as if he’d only been waiting a mere few minutes.

"How is he?"

"The rest is up to him."

"I see," he said, "He'll fight. He's a tough guy and has my respect. He managed to wound the asshole, making it easier to take him down." I trudged into the locker room, where I had collapsed the day after Erwin lost his arm. Levi followed after me, regardless of his lack of clearance.

My stomach started to lurch.

I threw myself over the nearest industrial sink and vomited.

"Oi! Bel! You alri-" The steel surface quickly stained with secondhand blood.

Levi's eyes widened in panic.

"Hey! Someone-!" I grabbed his wrist and spat in order to speak.

"It's alright," I choked, "It's... not mine."

I took another splurge. Levi held me and combed my hair back with his fingers.

"Not your blood...? How the fuck..." I turned on the sink to drain it away. I cupped a handful of it and rinsed my mouth. I shuddered and Levi took it over for me. His fingers held the water to my lips. I swished and spat once he removed his hand from my mouth.

"Someone had to clear his airway... then breathe for him..." I gasped as I endeavored to steady my breathing. Levi directed the water to the walls of the sink to wash away all the remaining traces.

"Done?"

"Yeah... I think so..."

He wet a towel and wiped my mouth. I steadied myself against him as I stood back up. I coughed into the towel as he held my arms.

"You sure?"

I removed the towel from my mouth. "Completely... thanks..." I tossed the towel into a bin and began untying the surgical wear. He turned respectfully as I began stripping down my clothes.

"You need any help?"

"No, I'm fine, thank you..." I gathered my vices and discarded the protective gear. "Who was it?" I asked as I stepped in and turned on the water.

"It was that Allende kid from your tribunal." I flung the curtain back. He remained turned away from me.

"How?! He was murdered! Leo and I confirmed the records!"

"Except he wasn't," he said, "The scum looked real different, but it was definitely him." I eased back into the shower and massaged my aching head. The cool water felt nice upon my burning throat, scorched by bloody bile.

"They're not getting away with this," I quickly rinsed my body and stepped out to dry off, "I'm stopping this now."

Levi handed me a pair of fresh scrubs, "We're stopping this now."

I struggled against the oath of medicine, as well as Levi's speech in the safe house tower. I had a choice. I could stand by my disagreement with him. I followed a different philosophy.

But I needed to make the sacrifice.

The world that oath was written in is long dead. The person I used to be before my mother lost her sanity was long dead.

"I'm gonna need your help," I said to him, "I'm waterboarding that fucker."


	43. Dead Ends

We tortured Ethan Allende for my father's exact location. Luckily for us, he was an honorary member acting alone on a vendetta and stayed alive as long as we needed him to be. Soon after, Levi, my team, and I prepared to leave. I fought hard to force the bile threatening to creep up my trachea to stay in my stomach, but there was no time to spend dwelling upon the would-be turning point of my life up until then.

The oath was broken. I wasn’t a healer anymore.

Silent affirmations from Levi as we wordlessly rode up north reassured me that I was none the lesser being for adapting to the demands of our world. He, without a doubt, had reached that point not to long after we first met.

Nonetheless, his composure on the matter was still light years ahead of me, and I respected him for that amongst all other things…

Just as the horses began showing signs of fatigue, Levi extended an arm to signal a halt and I followed suit, my squad close behind.

“Smoke,” he said, and we dismounted and filed out as planned.

 

* * *

 

There was a small resistance awaiting us on the snow covered farm, but it was nothing we couldn't handle. Johan and Simone were tactful as ever, reading my subtlest signals as we took out the armed guards one by one, trusting Levi to scout before us. With everybody that hit the floor, my blood began to boil evermore.

The asshole was here… he had to be… he was so close, and I was so close to finally running my blades through his neck like any other titan that made the mistake of catching me at my worst---

“It’s… abandoned…”

“What.”

I followed Johannes to the entrance of the main building, peeling with crimson rust and looking it could be caved in by snow at any moment. Sure enough, the place was empty.

No note.

No further leads.

We'd been decoyed, and my hands flew to Johan’s throat.

“Bel!”

“You did this!” I screamed as Levi and Simone pried me off him, “You tricked us! You’ve been at it all this time! You lied! You lied, Johan!”

“Enough! We already know he’s clean! Stop grasping straws!”

In the arms of two of my most trusted comrades, I slinked to my knees. The image of Johan’s form grasping at his neck and choking blurred before me as he was joined by Simone.

“Bel…”

I couldn’t let the tears fall.

No.

This couldn’t keep happening. I had to stop.

“Resaddle. Now. We’re heading back,” I ordered, Levi’s hand falling from my shoulder as we both rose to our feet. Without as much as a second look, I retraced our footprints down the snowy lane and made my way down to my horse, expecting the others to follow suit.

While we were out, Ethan had committed suicide and again, rendered void our only other lead.

I then shut myself in at the palace for the next couple days, desperately searching for another sign. Anything to take us somewhere, anywhere. I personally signed up for the crime scene clean up to make sure nothing was thrown out without my seeing it first as well.

 

* * *

 

Levi showed up one day and knocked upon the doorframe.

"Knock, knock," he said sarcastically.

"It's open, obviously." I sighed without averting my eyes from the document in front of me. I had aided some of the MPs reorganize everything after the place was cleared as Levi... supervised. Afterwards, they all left with a "knock yourself out" and I'd been there alone ever since.

"Thought you just needed some time alone, but you're a persistent shit, aren't you," he said as he refilled my teacup and dropped another couple sugar cubes into it.

"Everyone thinks I'm crazy for going through all this shit more than once, but I'm missing something. I'm missing something glaringly obvious and it's the one thing keeping me from putting this all together... I know it... I can feel it in my lack of sanity..."

“You haven’t been sane since you tackled Johan to the horse shit-stained floor.”

I lowered my eyes to the floor. “Does he…?”

He chuckled, then hugged my head with one hand and rested the other on his hip.

"Of course he forgives you,” he cooed, “Who wouldn’t after being given the honor of being strangled by you?” I couldn’t help but smile. The sound of his calm voice began to bring the word “rest” back into my vocabulary. I leaned against him as he lovingly fingered my hair. "Suit up your ODM and come with me," he said.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise, and I won't tolerate any protests, so get ready before I ready you up myself."

With a mischievous glint in my eye, I crossed my arms and tossed my head into the air, ensuring the impression that I was going to remain rooted where I was.

He met my protest with a sly smirk. "Alright, Kitten, you leave me no choice." He bent over me, draped me across his back, and started for the door.

"Wait! My tea!"

"Whoopsie. Can't have that." He backed up and I retrieved my cup. I continued to sip it nonchalantly as I bumped along against Levi's ass whilst he carried me to HQ like a damsel. We attracted some stares that were quickly diverted by his iron glare, all in good fun.

 

* * *

 

The surprise was meeting and picking up children from the underground. Historia had requested I conduct thorough medical exams on each child before sending them off to the surface. I was kept busy, handling groups of kids by the dozen, but I was at ease back in my comfort zone. Levi seemed to predict that. I caught him smile from time to time after each patient left my tent.

"You're looking less and less like shit," he acknowledged as the last child gave me a hug and ran out. His words were slightly slurred, as he was sucking on one of the candies meant for the children. My cheeks flared lightly as I straightened up the charts.

"I'm feeling less shitty..." I sighed, "Thank you... Levi..." He came up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist, finishing his candy with a crunch and discarding the stem to the bin.

"Good, Shitty Kitty... " he said as he took a deep inhale of my neck and planted a kiss upon my cheek, "You belong in places like this, saving people from diseases and shit..." I placed a hand upon his.

"I know... " I admitted bittersweetly.

"What's with the half-ass?" He gently turned me around and guided my chin to meet his eyes.

"I... I want to do more... but-" I looked at the floor defeatedly and thought of my mother, still in a heavily drugged state in the asylum with nothing but her own hug to soothe herself with, and of my brother, whose remains were still in that despicable man's possession.

"Hey, hey, " Levi soothed, "You've done so fucking much, and I know for a fact that's nothing close to all the things you'll do. Give yourself a fucking break..."

"But... I couldn't..." My eyes began to water.

His brow pursed pleadingly. "Kitten..." he cooed as he held me tightly and thought for a while. "How about this..." he said as he angled his lips to my ear, "You've taken down humanity's strongest soldier. That makes you powerful as fuck." His words triggered an immense smile to stretch upon my lips. He cared little for the title he earned, but took pride in it in order to cheer me up for the moment. I squeezed him tightly.

"I love you... so much Levi..." He kissed the tip of my ear, then my head.

"I love you too, Kitten... If this shit's your cup of tea, I drink it too- wait, no I don't." I giggled. He lifted his head for a moment to look away and better choose his words. "If this is your shit, it's my shit- no, that's not it. Fuck..." he groaned. I laughed, enjoying watching him stumble over his own words.

I swear, it was the most endearing thing, his own frustrations aside.

"Got it," he said confidently as he gripped my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes, "Where you feel home, I feel home."

My eyes shot open from my giggling.

Home.

My home.

"Levi! You're a genius!"

"Huh?"

"Our home! We have to go!" I grabbed his hand and sprinted out the tent. "It should be around here!"

 

* * *

 

We ran down the block into a small dwelling built into the wall of what used to be a mine shed. The musky scent of the cramped space rekindled memories. The stench of mildew, however, was new. I pulled my cowl over my nose and Levi pressed a handkerchief to his mouth. He started to tremble.

"Wait, this is dangerous, " he said behind his muffling barrier that separated him from the filth and pulled my wrist back, "We should get out of here."

I pleaded wordlessly with my eyes.

"Tch. Hurry up before this poisons us," he mumbled, letting go of my hand.

"You're free to leave," I said as I paced about the room.

"After you dragged me all the way over here?" he complained as his eyes followed the circles I was walking, "... What the fuck are you doing?"

"Shut up, I'm counting."

"Jeeze..." He tied the handkerchief around his head and crossed his arms, flinching before habitually leaning against the wall by accident. If he had, he would've fallen straight through and gotten up covered in moldy splinters and grime.

I stopped and started digging for the time capsule my mother, brother, and I had buried together years before.

"Hey, careful," he said as he walked over and kneeled down next to me. He deliberated for a moment, then helped me unearth the aluminum box with his bare hands.

"Alright, is that it?" he said as he immediately procured another cloth and went to straight to cleaning the dirt from his hands. He then took the box from me with the handkerchief and wrapped it up.

"Yeah..." I said as I squinted and scanned the room one last time. It felt like something was missing. "Alright, let's go..."

“Hold up a sec.”

“Now you want to stay?”

“Not here, dipshit,” he jabbed, leading me back out into the somewhat cleaner air by my harness, “Over there… I know this place…”

Above the shaft was a modest residence, furnished with a circular table and a couch of higher quality than what would be expected of the city.

“Why are we here?” I asked, scanning about the room for anything remotely relevant to us or anything we were gunning for.

“So… you actually lived in that little shithole below my old place…”

“What?”

He knelt and ran a hand along a baseboard before holding it out to me, palm up. “Switch, please.”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded, digging into my pocket for my precious tool and entrusting it to him. With an elegant flip of his wrist, he jammed the blade into the floor with powerful contrast and loosened the beam, flipping it up and over and returning my sheathed blade before it finished settling atop it’s rotting comrades with a hollow thud. “Is that…?”

“What else would it be? Be honest with yourself, now,” he replied sassily as he retrieved an old canister of dry tea leaves and sat back on his heels to inspect it.

“How in the world… did you get your hands on something like that in a place like down here? That’s a Sina brand, even…”

“Oh, lots of ways…” he said, opening the lid and taking a big whiff of the contents, “This one, I won in an arm wrestling match.”

“There’s someone out there as crazy as you who’d fight for tea?” I teased.

“Not tea: honor…” he paused, “… and his wife.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“I’m not. The shopkeeper claimed to have the strongest arm in town and was so confident in himself, he said he’d give anything in the shop to the person who’d show him up for free, including his wife.”

“Oh my god…”

“I’d let him believe that in any other case, but I’d been eyeing that very thing for weeks and still hadn’t made enough to afford it.”

“You were a thief.”

“I was. I stole his pride and his wife’s ego.”

I nearly choked on my laugh.

“Never change, Monamoo…”

 

* * *

 

When we returned to the makeshift medical station, the crew had already taken down my tent and were getting ready to return to the surface. We were dropped off at HQ shortly after, our findings tucked into Levi’s arm.

"I'll just leave this here..." he stated sassily as he dropped the box onto my desk, allowing the dirt to fly everywhere.

"Really. Levi. Really?" I said monotonously as I swept some of the dirt into my hands and dumped it into the waste basket near the door.

"This is payback for tracking mud into my office." I smiled at the memory.

"I did clean it up, you know," I retorted as I sat down and unwrapped the tin. I froze as the gravity finally struck me. Levi walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

"It's not gonna open itself, you know," he mocked playfully.

"I know that..."

"Well...? Go on. You can handle whatever's in there. And if you can't, that's what I'm here for." I turned my head to look up at him. He gave me a reassuring wink and gentle squeeze. I turned my focus back to the box before me.

"Alright. Here goes." I undid the lock and flipped the lid. It was empty, save for a single letter with my mother's pet name for me written across it in her handwriting.

"Bella Mia..." said Levi in his most sultry, dreamiest voice, "I think I'll stick with Kitten." I couldn't help but smile.

I took a deep breath and opened the letter:

> My Precious Bella Mia,
> 
> I received notice yesterday that your brother passed away. I hope you will forgive me for not telling you the truth after I tell you everything I know about our family.
> 
> If you found your way back here, you must be very lost. I know I wouldn't return here even if it meant the death of me, but you're not like that at all.
> 
> You're brave and strong, braver and stronger than I am now.
> 
> That's how I know you can handle what I'm about to tell you.
> 
> You and Beau have different fathers.
> 
> The man you know is Beau's father.
> 
> Your father is a business man named Dmitri Zeramusky.  Surprise, surprise: he was into medicine.
> 
> I'd rather you not look for him because he has a life and family of his own now, but the decision is up to you.
> 
> Judge me if you want, but you and your brother are both children of love. When Beau's father changed, I was thrown into some bad work. Or, I was sold into it, and he used the money to buy his way into the Surface.
> 
> I was part of an organization of women called the Wallflowers. I was promised that in exchange for my service, your brother could be safe. Our needs were met, for a time.
> 
> Then I met your father.
> 
> At the time, he and his colleagues were out on business. They were working on a mobile medical unit to help us poor folk of the underground. I happened to stumble in front of his carriage on the way home from work.
> 
> From the moment I met him, he saved me in every way a person can be saved.
> 
> We fell in love, and he wanted me to run away with him to the surface and break my oath to the Wallflowers.
> 
> I was stupid. I was so in love, I thought we stood a chance against them. When Madame Defarge, the head of the organization, learned of my secret affair, she ordered me to execute your father the next time I saw him. Instead, I helped him escape and was tortured as punishment.  She burnt my face. Your father went and hired a hitman named Kenny Ackerman to rescue me. After that, I met Dr. Hariss Karr, who reconstructed my face and gave me a second chance at life. That is one of the reasons we don't look much alike anymore.
> 
> To keep us safe, our lives were again flipped upside-down. I faked my death and left your father. The doctor helped me move across the district, where I had you a few months later.
> 
> From there, I'm sure you can piece together the rest of our lives.
> 
> I hope you will forgive me, Bel, but I will always love you no matter what. You and your brother have brought a new light to my life brighter than the surface. I know I always bothered you with my dreams of fine things, but I've lived a just as fulfilling life after having you and Beau.
> 
> It is my wish that you're happy, no matter what happens. You were always very smart, very brave,
> 
> I love you very much, Bella Mia,
> 
> Mom

Levi had brought his cheek close to mine and was eyeing the letter closely.

"Kenny..." he finally said as I handed him the letter, "Kenny knew your mother..."

I remembered how he cried out the name in his sleep and gathered the nerve to ask, "Who... was he to you?"

"He was... my uncle. He became captain of the Central Police and died recently."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that..." I said. He frowned. I decided not to leave him with such a generic response to grief. "What was he like?"

"What was he like? No one's ever asked me that before..." he said as he placed down the letter and made himself comfortable on my meridienne, "Well, for one thing, I must have gotten my social graces off him... he wasn't the friendliest guy, but his taking me in meant the world to a starving kid left to die…" He stretched his arms behind his head and motioned for me to join him. I faced him by leaning against his bent knee and propped my foot up beside his elbow.

"What else was he like?"

"Ah, I don't remember much, but..." he released a long sigh and tilted his head towards the ceiling, "He taught me how to handle knives... how to get along with people... how to talk to people... how to fight... when and how to run ...and how to handle my drink. That was pretty much it."

"Is there a trick to drinking?"

He chuckled lightly. "That's what stood out to you?" He then bent forward and gingerly traced my jaw with his finger. "I don't think even that will work on a misleading lightweight like you... it's probably an Ackerman thing..." My chin naturally lifted to his angle.

"No... it's a Levi thing..." I said with a coy smile. He softened his expression and eyed my lips. My heart began to pound and quicken like a sprinting titan as his hand slipped to the back of my head and gently brought me closer.

I relinquished my trust in him and closed my eyes.

We remained still. His warm breath heaved over my lips. I breathed him in as if tasting real air for the first time.

I had made the decision.

I cared not for what he could do with his power over me.

I wanted him, and he had me completely at his mercy.

I was long past being afraid.

I wasn’t my past, or whatever mess it was.

In that moment, I was just his.

We brushed noses, and my heart lurched with anticipation as the soft sound of his lips parting made me lose my breath.

"Bel!" I dove behind the meridienne as Simone burst into the room. "Levi!"

"She's here..." Levi growled lamentably as he rubbed his cheek where I accidentally kicked him, "The fuck is i-?"

"Johan's been poisoned!"

I immediately vaulted over Levi's shoulders and charged out the door with her.

"How was he poisoned?!"

"Someone attacked him in the barn and forced something into his mouth! The asshole's dead, but Johan trusts you!"

We skid across the foyer and into the garden, where we found him attempting to force himself to puke.

"Sorry Johan!" I cried out. He turned to me with eyes so bright and hopeful, as if he saw the goddess of life...

... just to receive a roundhouse kick to the face.

I spun back around, grabbed his loosened tooth in a pair of forceps, and yanked it out. His gag reflex triggered, he turned, and puked. I observed the tooth in the torchlight.

The mechanism was indeed activated, but it was empty.

There were no signs of fluid exiting the cavity, there was no particulate odor, and as I peeked over my shoulder, I could tell that Johannes was still alive and... responding to stimuli. He would have been dead already.

"Simone."

"Yeah?"

"He's gonna be fine, but take him to the infirmary and do a thorough flush of his system, just in case."

"And you?"

"I'm gonna get Hange and analyze this."

"Alright. C'mon, Johan," she said as she took his arm. He squeezed my shoulder as he passed. The rest of his face said pain, but his eyes said thank you. I reciprocated the squeeze and gave him a sincere smile.

 

* * *

 

I then took a shortcut through the brush to Hanji's quarters, where I found her scribbling away on a titan report. We went to the lab, and worked throughout the night analyzing Johannes' tooth.

"Augh!" I slammed my fists against the surfaced lab table, "We need a fucking loose end! We can't keep taking fire from these fucking suicidal maniacs!"

"Return to the rational, Bel! We can't give up yet!" Hange said as she passed me a microscopic slide. I swiped out the prior one I was examining. We had pretty much discovered nothing, and had hit a brick wall. We had no leads, except that Johannes had a thing for red wine. Why he never shared any was beyond us. Perhaps he was never allowed to leave home with any.

The slide didn't bring any news.

I slumped onto the table, waiting for an epiphany.

My thoughts drifted to Levi. I missed him so much... I wish we had two more seconds to have our kiss...

"Hange..." I mumbled, "Turn down the lamp for a minute."

"No can do!" she sang, "Titan stones come in a single level!"

"What the fuck...? Titan stones?"

"Oh, right..." she said, averting her gaze sheepishly, "Sorry! You've spent so much time in the palace, I forgot to tell you about this awesome cave we found!"

I jumped up. "Tell me! How does the shit work?!"

"Damn, Bel...!" she said teasingly, "You've been spending too much time with the shorty! His language's rubbing off on you!"

I grabbed her collar agitatedly. "He spends too much time with me!"

"My thought's exactly!" She shrugged her shoulders. "Check it, 5'3" L. B.! Your Ackerman's showing!"

I released her and she fell to the floor. "Titan stones." I growled, holding the mysterious illuminate object towards her, alongside an outstretched hand to help her up, "Tell me, please..."

 

* * *

 

After learning about the stones' luminance, we decided to test a few theories. We discovered that the unique wavelength of the stones revealed molecular compositions that were undetectable by normal light. With that information, we were able to improve our microscopes, confirm the walls were made of hardened titan skin, and find trace elements within the contraption in Johannes' tooth that were native to a certain plant species, long outlawed for its toxicity, and cultivated strictly in a certain remote town for medicinal purposes.

A town outside Wall Rose.

Support from my branch was unquestionable. With a vast majority of the crime ring in government custody, the remaining members and the Wallflowers became a non-issue to the higher ups.

In fact, I was formally retired from the mission. My pleas meant nothing. Not even Hange could help me out, because she needed to catch up on her training with Eren.

I wanted to take part in that too... I was left out last time...

I returned to my room, exhausted from the successive all-nighters I'd been pulling with Hange. We definitely contributed immensely to the improvement of our technology, and even bonded just as significantly. The cadets were kind enough to take turns bringing us our meals. I heard from Jean that a rumor had started concerning the relationship between Hange and I, that spending so many nights together had sparked a romance between us, Levi the point of our triangle. We initially humored him for our own fun, but I was only reminded of how much I missed Levi. I had only seen him minimally the past couple of days, but couldn't even speak to him because he was so busy with Erwin.

I so much wanted to join him...

I got up and checked his office, only to find it was empty. My shoulders mimicked the long disappointment of my heavily drooping eyelids.

To this, I trudged back to my room and eased into bed. The moonlight illuminated the back corner of my wall, where I pinned my personal things, so if I ever felt frustrated at my desk, all I would have to do was turn my head, and there was my redraw of Levi's wanted poster. There were the dried shrubberies Leo collected for me. There were the baby titan drawings Cinnie loved the most. There were the portraits of them I had drawn by memory, and even included one of Beau.

There was the long strip of paper where Leo had drawn all the likenesses of our old squad and that of my mother.

My mother.

Her frilly, provocative, much-too-inappropriate-for-her-age skirt.

The face she made behind my future lover's back after she shook his hand.

The way she said she wanted to put him in her pocket.

How excited she was when we went sightseeing with him.

The way she cried when she learned about my first encounter with a real titan.

My sinuses pinched, and my eyes began to water as I thought of her.

As I cried myself to sleep that night, I knew what I had to do.

 

* * *

 

Sometime during the night, Levi had crawled into bed with me. I knew it because I found him completely intertwined into my body when I woke up.

I was so happy to see him. I buried into him with all my strength, as if it was goodbye. He stirred and opened his eyes.

The flutter.

"It's been too long, Kitten…" he said groggily.

"I know..." I brushed his hair from his face. "I missed you so much, Levi."

Without warning, I brought his face to mine and kissed him. It didn't even last a second.

He flashed a look of bewilderment, then quickly returned to his smug self. "What was that for? Feel guilty about fooling around with Hange in the lab?" I rolled my eyes.

"That made its way to you, too?"

"Of course. Everyone in my squad's a teenager."

"That hormonal awkward stage, huh?" I swiveled over the bed and he grabbed my wrist.

"Bel. I know what you're doing. That was a kiss goodbye."

He was onto me. I turned and looked him straight in the eye.

"I have to do this, Levi." He kept a straight face as he combed his fingers through my hair.

"I know..." he said softly as I got up. He then rose to his knees and returned my kiss as his confirmation. "Let's go. Together, since there's not much I can do to stop you..." He averted himself and smiled knowingly. "I see you dragging yourself over there even if... I fucking broke your spleen." He chuckled heartily.

"... That would be real difficult," I started, "First of all-"

"Ah ah ah," he said, putting a finger to my lips, "Let me be the 5% useful, 17% unorthodox, 95% useless as shit angel on your shoulder."

"That doesn't even..."

"Unorthodox. To prepare for any hairballs you might cough up, Kitten, I need to be just as impetuous."

"Levi… what the fuck…” I smiled, then deciphered his lack of suave, “Because we're numbers... that don't quite add up?"

"Sure..." he smirked before pulling me back into a passionate kiss.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t even know what you fucking meant.” I giggled into his lips, causing a contagious chuckle to reverberate from his.

“As long as you figure it out for me, I don’t need to know.” He ran his thumbs in small circles as he rested his hands just below my waist.

“You’re… impossible…”

“I need to be.”

“I love that about you…”

“You know, it wouldn’t hurt if you could lower your expectations just a little bit…”

“Please,” I groaned playfully, running my hands up his arms and giving his cravat a small twirl about my fingers, “As if you’d need me to…”

“Hmm…” he asserted before again grasping his lips upon mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, Dearest Readers! Told y'all I wasn't about to abandon this work~ ;)
> 
> I've got five or so more chapters split but still in need of editing, so I hope to have a good chunk of Sounds of Freedom out to y'all in a more reasonable amount of time. I've since done quite a bit of planning, and hope you enjoy this long overdue chapter until next update! (which will hopefully not take another 8 months dear god I am so sorry my loves~<3)
> 
> Everyone please take care, and I hope you've all been well!!!
> 
> Ciao, my lovelies~!
> 
> Love, five_foot_a_b1tch 
> 
> ( ´艸｀)
> 
> ♡ ~ ヽ(´▽｀)/

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and inquiries in a comment, and/or send an ask/message to my Tumblr, fivefootab-i-tch.tumblr.com, if you prefer. All musings are gladly appreciated! :) You can also find some art/extras/*spoilers* there!
> 
> *The prologue was inspired by the Pixar movie, "Up".  
> **Child Levi's pronunciation came from a song his VA, Hiroshi Kamiya sang. You can listen to it here!  
> https://youtu.be/ncGlfMoZYto


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